


Redux3

by sumomomochi



Series: Redux3 [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Collegestuck, F/M, FTM Dave, Humanstuck, M/M, Other, Trans Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-25
Updated: 2013-04-13
Packaged: 2017-11-10 17:48:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 33
Words: 99,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/469012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sumomomochi/pseuds/sumomomochi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>or :</p><p>In Which Dave Strider Is An Asexual Transsexual Off To Room With His Best Internet Friend John Egbert, Who Is Initially Unaware Of Dave’s Trans Status, While They Both Attend Western Washington University. Co-Starring Rose Lalonde As Dave’s Nosy And Also Identical And Cisexual Lesbian Twin Sister, And Karkat Vantas And Sollux Captor As Particularly Irritating Suite Mates. Featuring All The Trolls As Humans, Jade And Jake As John’s Gun Wielding Genius Cousins, And Dirk “Bro” Strider As The Hardest Character To Write. Also Includes Stupid Pranks, Second Hand Details, A Handful Of Sexuality Crisises, A Number Of Awkward Crushes Of Varying Levels Of Platonic, Flirting With Varying Levels Of Success, Instances Of Sloppy Makeouts, One Polyamorous Relationship, A Handful Of Lesbians, More Bullshit Than True Facts, And A Summary That Is Apparently Too Long.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. MAKE A MAN OUT OF YOU

**Author's Note:**

> So here's the rest of the summary.
> 
> Warnings Include But Are Not Limited To : Shifts In Point Of View, Vulgar Language, Angst, A General Lack Of Political Correctness, Delicate Issues Handled With The Grace And Sensitivity Of A Bull In A China Shop, Terrible Segues, A Number Of Self Indulgent Nerd Games, Short Chapters, Terrible Naming Decisions, And Probably some Other Things.
> 
> And In the End They Pork. Sort Of. At Some Point. Maybe.
> 
> Plus! This can also be viewed on [Tumblr](http://redux3.tumblr.com), where it is two chapters ahead and will contain bonus content :D
> 
> Tags will be updated as things come up, to keep from being all spoilieriffic, but this will be damn porny by the end so.

===> WHO THE HELL ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?

You? You're Dave motherfucking Strider. In a word, you are EPIC. You are the king of cool kids, the pimp daddy of sicknasty beats, the meaning of awesome... and you are totally flipping your shit, because this is it. The big fucking day. The day you and your bro have been driving a week straight for.

The day you've been fucking dreading for half a god damned year.

===> WAIT, BACK THIS BITCH UP A LITTLE.

A'ight, cool. You can understand a little bit of explanation.

So, you suppose this shit starts off when you were just a wee tyke of thirteen. You were a god damned pussy. At school, you hid behind your hair and on the 'net you hid behind fake identity. You straight up pretended to be a boy from fucking _Texas_ for damn near three years, much to your twin's amusement.

She was amused at how long it took you to realize that you _were_ a boy.

Flash forward a couple of years. Freshmen year; the beginning of high school. You went from platinum blond hair straight down to your waist to pitch black feathery spikes befitting your name, clad in your brother's hand-me-downs. You threw punches and insults like they were going out of style, and many a time your bro had to drag you kicking and screaming from a fight in just those first few months alone.

You grew a spine.

Better yet, you grew an identity.

By sixteen, you had settled on a name. You were nearly sent to juvie the first time some douchebag insisted you were Raven after you began going by Dave. You were damn lucky your shrink was willing to come up with excuses for your behaviour.

By seventeen, you were blond again, tall and lean with the same chillax personality you held online.

By the start of your senior year, you were making tentative plans for college with your pesterchum pal, John, the only kid you remained friends with the entire time you were mentally transitioning. He never knew you were a girl to begin with.

===> WHICH BRINGS US BACK TO TODAY.

The big day. The day you move into your dorm at WWU, into the room you'll share with John and the suite the two of you will share with another pair of guys. Provided, of course, that you actually _inform_ the three of them of your status. Part of you almost wishes that you hadn't managed to convince the housing assignment staff to let you do this in person. You had been procrastinating, but looking back, confessing online would have been much easier.

However, you are Dave motherfucking Strider, and Striders aren't chicken shit in the slightest. You're gonna walk through the door marked six-twelve and flop out like you own the damn place.

===> OH, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT. YOUR PHONE JUST BUZZED.

You will take care of the flopping momentarily. Your new text is more important.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at [14:43] ! --

EB : dave!  
EB : are you here yet?  
EB : you've been driving for like weeeeeeeks now man :O  
EB : karkat and sollux are both already here so hurry up  
EB : i'm literally dying to meet you bro!  
TG : chill the fuck out egbert jesus  
TG : just pulling in  
EB : finally!  
TG : gimme a sec to gather all this swag and ill be up

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at [14:49] ! --

===> LET'S DO THIS.

Your bro gives you A LOOK through his totally rad, pointy shades. You reply with a single, sharp nod, pushing your own shades up the bridge of your nose. He hauls your suitcase out from the trunk of his ironically shitty sedan, swinging it out like it ain't no thang, while you shoulder your backpack with the same ease. Together, you make your way up to your new home, the pair of you drawing the gazes of ALL THE LADIES like you damn well should. There ain't no girl out there who can resist the magnetic pull of a Strider, though your bro is as queer as they come and you have no interest in sticking it in anyone, even if you _had_ something to stick in.

Regardless, you make it to your shared suite unscathed, with just the slightest of upped speed to your heart beat betraying your unease. The door to 612 is unlocked, cracked ever so slightly, and you can hear voices in the room. Although, really, you'd have to be deaf not to hear.

"Fuck you, Kay-Kay!" one of your roommates yells.

"In your dreams, dick munch," the other screams straight back.

You nudge the door open, the fight coming into full view. In the blue corner of the ring is a scrawny, glasses wearing Asian kid as tall as you. In the red corner of the ring is a short ass with balled fists and a red face. Sitting backwards in the armchair is John, grinning wide like everything's all rainbows and kittens in the suite.

"Thuck a fat one!" the Asian retorts, scowling through his thick lisp. You feel Bro ready himself to break up a fight.

"Fuck no! I may _have_ a fat one, but there's no god damned way you're getting your ugly ass teeth anywhere _near_ it."

"How about you boys take it somewhere private," your bro breaks in, "The homoerotic overtones of your fight is stifling."

Karkat and Sollux, you assume, both look over. The short one's jaw drops while the Asian's eyebrows raise, and John's grin somehow gets even wider.

"Dave!" he calls, hopping up, "Finally!"

You raise one hand in greeting. "'Sup."

You're damn near knocked off your feet when John tackles you into a hug, bowling you into the door jam.

"Christ, Egbert, tone it down a notch," you wheeze, squirming out of his grip. You hear your brother's sharp exhale of a laugh; you do not need to look over to see his smirk. John releases you and steps back.

"Oh man, Dave, you're so tall!" he says, like you hadn't realized, before he turns to greet your brother with an enthusiastic wave and a, "Hi, I'm John."

Behind John, the short douche crosses his arms in a huff while his other half leans against the arm of the couch. You give each a pointed stare as your bro nods in reply to John, just once, and jerks a thumb towards himself. "'Sup, I'm Dirk."

John is obviously in awe of his COOL.

The short douche pulls a face. "Karkat," he snaps the name like a curse, then tilts his head towards the other, "The lispy fucker is Tholluckths." You can see the spit that flies from his lips as he mocks Sollux's lisp, though he at least wipes away what landed on his chin. Using the back of his hand, but still. At least he has some inkling of manners. Dear Jesus, you sound so snooty. Your sister's faux Victorian sensibilities must be rubbing off on you.

Gross.

Anyways. Back to business. You have shit to get done. Bro closes the door firmly behind the two of you, your suitcase set neatly against the wall. You lean one shoulder against the corner of the kitchenette wall, fingers tucked neatly into your pockets.

"So," you say casually, your tone flat, bored, "Got some shit to lay out straight for y'all afore I settle in."

Karkat rolls his eyes in a way that makes you want to punch him. Sollux exhales and quirks one brow up. John snickers and says, "Lemme guess, you like your beats fast and your bass down low."

"You know it, babe," you deadpan, one corner of your mouth twitching into the barest hint of a smirk, "But that's beside the point. Figured I oughta let ya'll know I'm chromosomally challenged, so y'best know how to knock."

Sollux's other eyebrow joins the first, while John's pull together in confusion and dear, sweet Karkat says, "So you're a chick."

You feel Dirk shift behind you, ready to yank you back by the collar of your shirt if you decide to do anything stupid. However, you've long since learned to keep your cool. You simply flash him some teeth in a mockery of a smile and drawl out, "Captain Shang never said nothing about a dick being important."

John grins as Karkat's eyes narrow. "What the fuck are you talking about." He doesn't ask, he states.

"Dude, you've never seen Mulan?" John asks just as you reply with, "Mulan was the biggest fucking tranny."

John, honest to god, fucking _giggles_ ; "Dude, I totally still remember that epic rant you went on about how gay Shang was for Mulan. We were, what, fifteen?"

" _I_ was fifteen." You remember that; it was a couple days past your birthday and you still hadn't fully realized your status as trans -- everyone thought you were the biggest dyke freshmen year -- and your darling twin had bestowed upon you a DVD copy of Mulan as a passive-aggressive HINT.

That you didn't get.

ANYWAYS.

You're really fucking glad John's taking this whole thing in stride. You almost think you should knight him an honorary coolkid. But then he turns his grin back up to full force and you're all like, herp derp, NOP. John's doing just fine as a HUGE NERD.

EN. EE. WAYS.

Karkat sneers and crosses his arms so hard there's an audible thump. "I still don't have a single fucking iota of clue as to what you fuck wits are going on about."

You count off on your fingers; one, "Swift as a coursing river -- " two, "All the force of a great typhoon -- " three, "All the strength of a raging fire -- " four, "Mysterious as the dark side of the moon. I dare say I hit all these points with flying colours."

"Mysterious for sure," John's grin dims a little, "How come you never told me?"

You shrug, "Never came up," but your words are pretty well drowned out by Karkat yelling, "Again, what the ever loving FUCK are you going on about I still haven't the FAINTEST fucking CLUE."

You're a little surprised when Sollux pops out with, "Let'sth get down to buisthnesths, to defeat the hunths."

You're not so surprised when John continues, belting out the next few lines until you grab him in a surprise headlock to finish off the verse with the song's namesake, "I'll make a man out of you." John squawks out a protest, as if the line was aimed at him (which, you won't lie, it kind of was; your best friend is such a _kid_ ~~even if he's had sex oh god _that_ was an awkward conversation~~ ), while you start in on the second verse. You get all the way through it before John elbows you in the gut, surprising you out of the Grade-A, Macho Man Randy Savage headlock you had him in, and then promptly swings you to the ground.

"Somehow I'll," John sets a foot on your gut, striking a dramatic pose, "make a man, out of you."

You wheeze in turn, "I'm never gonna catch my breath," amused at the irony (and pretty pleased that you'll have at least one sparring partner up here. You knew John was in wrestling and stuff, but damn).

John calls back with, "Say goodbye to those who knew me," and you go limp on the floor for the next line.

"Boy was I a fool in school for cutting gym." Which you totally did.

John sings out Mushu's line but breaks into some pretty serious giggles when Bro jumps in with Mulan's line right after, his falsetto shrill and ironically terrible. You're in no condition to throw out the next line either, but you do, at least, mime swimming. Across the floor. Like a boss.

John recovers enough to continue, starting in on the chorus you quoted earlier, and you jump in as the, well, chorus part while John passionately acts out each line. He tries to continue but he's breathless from laugh-singing and you're trying not to choke on your spit while you roll around on the floor like a doof.

"I am seriously blown away by the sheer levels of _stupidity_ the two of you share -- "

"Do you guyths theriousthly know all the wordths?"

" -- I mean, Jesus Christ on a cracker, you're dropping the eye-cue of the whole fucking building, not to mention -- "

"Why do you know all the wordths?"

" -- fucking _Sollux_ , look at him, you've reduced him to spouting gibberish with -- "

"Jeguths, Kay-Kay, fuck you too."

" -- your moronic fucking improv. This isn't Highschool fucking Musical -- "

John's face is turning an alarming shade of red with how hard he's laughing, backed up against a wall, slowly sliding down to join you on the floor.

" -- and what the _fuck_ did that have to do with anything anyway?"

"I have the Shang Seal of Manly Approval," you tell him, breathless, "And I'm betting you don't. Thus, I am more a man than you, despite my lack of the dangly bits that you seem so very fond of talking about. Tell me, are you compensating for something?"

The way he bristles makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

===> DAVE : BE JOHN FOR A MOMENT

You are now John Egbert and you would have never guessed at how big a dork Dave is. Seriously. Who just breaks out into song like that? Disney song!

Well, besides you, of course.

And he laughs! Like, really laughs!

And he's smart!

And also born a girl? Which wasn't something you were expecting at all, although you suppose it's ironic. You've known him for aaages and he's always totally been the dudeliest dude to ever be a dude. Seriously. And it's not like you wouldn't be, aren't okay with him being trans. You're a Washingtonian, born and raised; there's practically no way you could be a cisexist douche. Okay, yeah, you're not a _Seattleite_ , but Bothell's close enough, and you wouldn't have gotten all weird on him anyway.

You _are_ a little hurt that he never told you though.

===> JOHN : GO BACK TO BEING DAVE

You are back to being Dave, who is still spread out on the floor like jam on toast.

===> DAVE : GET UP AND MOVE IN ALREADY

You stand. Karkat stomps away. Apparently at some point during your impromptu ballad with John, Sollux sat. And also Dirk. Except Sollux is on the itty bitty little couch your suite came with and your bro is on your suitcase. He gives you a thumbs up, a slight amused grin tilting his lips. You nod in reply, all suave coolkid once more (more or less), before he stands and heads back out the door to his car for the last of your shit.

You offer a hand to John, to pull him from the floor. The two of you stand awkwardly in the hall.

"So um," John wiggles his toes against the linoleum, "You're not like, gonna be weirded out by living with us, right?"

You raise an eyebrow, your poker face perfectly in place, even though you're kind of breathlessly panicking again. "No, why should I? Are you?"

He shrugs, "Naw," and shoots you a little grin, "You're Dave."

The worry melts from your heart like ice dropped in fire. "Cool. Let's go dump my shit then."

===> DIRK : BE PROUD

Your little bro is growing up. The thought brings a metaphorical tear to your eye.

===> JOHN : BE EXCITED AGAIN

You get to share a room with your best friend! That is so fucking coooooool!

You don't give Dave's lack of a Y chromosome a second thought as the two of you go to unpack his stuff. You were the first one to arrive, since you live less than two hours away, so you got first dibs on rooms. You picked the one with two separate beds since you're too blind without your glasses to manage bunk beds. You had to find this out the hard way, when, as a kid, you busted open your forehead on your cousins' when you were staying over.

Dave seems to approve of your selection, considering he does a pretty amazing swan dive onto the naked bed first thing.

"Don't worry," he croons, shooshing the mattress, "I'm going to cover you in wonderful, horribad bedding. We will make beautiful ironies together. All night long. Our infamy will haunt the school long after I leave. But it's okay. I will remember you just as you are."

You bust out in another fit of giggles at that because gosh! Dave is a bigger dork than you! Like, yeah, he's pretty much the same as online -- except a little less wordy and maybe a little mumbly? -- but what sounds totally AWESOME online kind of.. sounds really lame in real life. Which isn't a bad thing! Honestly, you were a little intimidated by the thought of finally meeting Dave, since you're a serious dweeb, but he secretly is too so it's okay!

Buuuuuuuut...

"So Raven is your real name?" You ask him, settling on the edge of your own bed with a bounce.

"My legal name, yeah," he replies, his face half smooshed against the mattress. The distinction he makes between "real" and "legal" is subtly blunt because _obviously_ Dave's real name is Dave, duh. Although...

"So that's where raven's quote came from?"

He snorts, "Oh god, don't remind me. That was such a stupid screen name."

"Yeah, like turn-tech-god-head isn't?"

"Dude, you're one to talk, ghosty trickster."

You bust out laughing yourself. You _both_ had terrible screen names when you first met. They were truly awful, but there's no doubt that Dave's was worse.

Not long after, Dave's bro ( _Dirk_ , you remind yourself) comes in to dump a pair of trash bags on Dave's legs, tossing a third at his head. Dave lets out an petulant squawk while he flaps his arms behind him to knock away the bag. As he rolls over, you think you almost can see how he could be a girl, but then he snaps, "Dude, what the fuck?" at his brother with a narrowing of his eyes you can see from behind his shades at this angle and yup. Dave is more of a man than you. No doubt about it.

===> DAVE : UNPACK

And by unpack, you mean basically just shove your shit in the closet and dump your blankets all over the bed. Yup. That's pretty good. You're not too picky. Although you probably will have to make your bed properly before the RA comes by, but whatever.

===> SEGWAY

It's pretty weird to chill with Egbert in real life, you must admit. Not in a bad way, of course. He's been your best bro (besides, you know, Bro) since you were a kid. Since before you were _you_. Your interaction has just always been over the majyyk that is THE INTERNET. Not that the two of you aren't getting along in real life. Things are going SMASHING.

It's just weird.

===> TIME : PASS

It is now significantly later in the afternoon!

===> DAVE : SUCCESSFULLY PESTER YOUR BRO INTO GETTING YOU FOOD

You just did. That is a thing that happened. Apparently, there's a Denny's like, five miles out.

Cool.

Turns out, it's a bit of a shitty Denny's. Which, really, you should expect because, hello, when has _Denny's_ ever been even halfway decent? But yeah. Depressing diner, decent food, amusing company.

You're squished against the wall, sharing your part of the booth with John and his over exaggerated arm movements as he talks. He's so excited about starting classes, he can't wait to see what his professors are like, Dave what's your schedule do we have any classes together, will the music department heads let him play on the pianos even though he's a science major not a music major, is there a film club, he never fucking shuts up, but it's cool. You're rather wordy online, but you mostly keep your mouth shut in real life, just in case that pesky thing called estrogen decides to fuck with your voice. John seems to have the talking bit covered anyway. Who are you to take away the sheer joy he gets from talking about anything and everything?

Besides, you're too busy trying not to giggle like a dork at all the gestures he adds to his words.

===> END CHAPTER


	2. MAN WHO USED TO HUNT COUGARS

===> JOHN : DO SOMETHING

Do something? Do what? You've been in Bellingham for less than a week. You have no idea what there _is_ to do.

OH! You know! You could explore! You might as well, since you've still got a couple days 'til classes start, and it's still pretty warm out.

===> JOHN : PESTER DAVE TO JOIN YOU

"C'mon, Dave," you whine at your best friend, "I'm so boooored! Let's go for a walk!" You flop right across his legs, staring up at him from his shins. He rolls his eyes -- you're surprised at how often he _doesn't_ wear his shades; they mostly live on top of his head, although he refuses to make eye contact with anyone without them, which you think is totally dumb. It's not like you don't know he's albino. It doesn't bother you either, since, you know, you're on your way to being a biologist, and not just of the supernatural sort! -- and turns a page in his novel (that's another thing you were surprised at : he's either reading or doodling or derping around on the internet and that's literally it). You persist, drawing out the vowel in Dave's name 'til you run out of breath, and then start all over again. By the fourth or so time, he gives in with an exasperated, "Fine."

You hop up with a grin, bouncing on the balls of your feet. He shoots you a narrow eyed glare as he slips into one of his hoodies and flips his shades back into place.

"You're too god damned happy," he says.

"Yeah, I know."

Another eye roll.

===> DAVE : TAKE YOUR FRIEND OUT FOR WALKIES

John's such a dork. But you suppose you can humour him. Not like you have anything else to do anyway.

So that's how you find yourself outside, exploring the campus. It's pretty fucking gorgeous, you won't lie. You can't wait for the leaves to start changing for real so you can take some bitchin' photos. Really, there's a bunch of shit you think would make for interesting subjects.

You shoulda brought your camera. Damn.

Whatever.

"So how'd you get to Dave?"

You stutter in your stride; "Huh?" How eloquent.

"You know, how'd you pick Dave?"

"Oh, uh," you shrug, "Just kinda did? Like, David's pretty much the most manly name there is." John snorts at that. "What? It is. Have you ever met a guy named Dave who was a wussy? Fuck no. Dave is a badass's name. And guess what, bro. I'm a badass." Actually, you or your sister were going to be Dave, had either of you been biologically male, but that's a boring reason.

"No, you're a dork," he laughs. You scoff.

"Hell no. I am the biggest badass. All of the badass."

"All of it?"

"Fuck yeah, all of it."

He grins and shoves your shoulder. You half stumble a couple steps over and shove him back. "So what's your middle name?" he asks.

You deadpan, "Badass."

A laugh, "No, really. Mine's James."

"Matthew. It's an unwritten trans rule. All boy trannys have Matthew in their name somewhere."

"Seriously?"

"Pretty much. It's fuckin' weird."

"So of course, you took it ironically?"

"Yup." David Matthew Strider, a badass name for a badass guy.

The two of you are pretty quiet for a while after that, just taking in the sights as you walk from one end of the campus to the other.

You're walking past one of the weird sculptures floating around when John stops to stare.

"Is that guy fucking a bear?"

"What?" You whip around to peer at the sculpture in question. A moment of silence passes between the three of you before you nod and reply, "Yeah. I think he is."

Another long stretch of silence.

Then John says, "Okay then. You artist types are weird, you know."

You laugh at that, taking no offense. It's true, really. Your poor, darling sister has been subjected to more odd poses for you to reference than either of you would care to count (especially when you had to do a self portrait back in high school. You don't think your teacher even realized you didn't use a mirror for that project).

===> DAVE : REVIEW YOUR CLASS SCHEDULE

Yeah, you really should. You took a look when you first got it to make sure it was right, but you didn't bother to really _look_. Actually knowing where all your classes will be taking place would be a thing that is good. So yup. Art classes and core classes are pretty much all you're taking and everything seems to be in order. You're still cross referencing the room numbers with your campus map when John steals your schedule away.

"Aw man," he sighs, "we don't have _any_ classes together!"

You snort and roll your eyes, "No shit. We're two _completely_ different majors."

He sighs and hands your schedule back, "I was hoping we'd at least have core classes together or something. We don't even really have classes near each other!"

You hold out your hand for his schedule in turn. He forks it over with a frown but no resistance.

===> DAVE : POINT OUT ALL THE CORRESPONDING BREAKS

"Look," you tell him, pointing at your schedules, "Neither of us have class Monday, and none of our classes are after four. Calm your tits, bro."

"But I really wanted to share a class with you," he whines back, pouting. You shoot him a dirty look.

"What are you, fourteen? This isn't high school."

He deflates a little, petulant. "I know."

You give his shoulder a shove. "Dweeb."

He shoves you back. "Jerk."

"Psh, you love me." He laughs at that, taking his schedule back in hand.

===> DAVE : BE FUTURE JOHN

But not too far in the future. You are now John twenty minutes from the schedule shenanigans and you are also sitting in front of your computer. Or rather, you are sitting on your bed, with your computer in your lap.

What is it that you are doing?

===> JOHN : SO YOUR BEST FRIEND IS A TRANNY

Wow, that is so far from politically correct, you're amazed! But, well, it's true and you figure you should probably do some research before you're faced with dealing with the greater public. You're pretty liberal in your ideals -- as long as it doesn't hurt anyone, you don't much see a problem with people doing what they feel they should -- but you know not everyone is like you and also there are probably some guidelines when dealing with trans people.

Oh jeeze, that sounded kind of dumb. You just don't want to fuck up and find your best friend some enemies.

Not that he couldn't take care of himself. You're reasonably sure that he could kick your ass, but still. You don't want to have to go out and break some faces 'cause narrow minded douchebags hurt your friend.

===> JOHN : DO YOUR RESEARCH

Most of what you find seems to be common sense, really, but wow, you sort of botched some things with Dave yourself with the whole names thing. You guess you're a bit of an ass for that, jeeze.

You end up finding a lot more information for trans people themselves, instead of allies like you. There's a lot of guides out there outlining all these tiny little differences between the way genders portray themselves -- like the way people hold glass bottles; you had never even noticed that girls and guys hold bottles different, but apparently they do. You're particularly interested in the theories as to why trans people exist, though. Neurological differences and odd levels of natal hormones are so your thing.

You spend the rest of the night reading things on the internet.

===> END CHAPTER

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The statue that is mentioned is called "Man Who Used To Hunt Cougar", which is where this chapter's title comes from. It is usually referred to as "Man Humps Bear". This has been your surprise factoid about Western Washington University.


	3. SMELLS LIKE RAINBOWS

===> DAVE : WAKE UP

The next morning, the first of many where you actually have to get up when you _really_ don't want to, has you buried under a pile of blankets, bleary eyed and what the fuck is that song John's singing?

Wait, singing?

You squirm out of your cocoon of SUITABLY AWFUL BEDDING (an old school My Little Pony pillow case is a recent addition you're rather proud of), poking your head out into world. The shower is running and you are infinitely amused at the idea that John sings in the shower. You shouldn't be surprised; this is _John_ you're talking about after all.

You squint at your clock -- it's barely past seven, you don't have your first class 'til 10 -- and then at the door of your shared room. Guessing you've got at least a couple of minutes before Egbert is done, you fish your binder out from under your pillow (it's still nice and warm, which is fucking amazing), whip your shirt over your head to shrug into your vest, and zip the damn thing up with such ease that you amaze yourself. You pull your shirt back on as well and, just as you're snuggling down back under the covers, well prepared for any early morning hug attacks, you hear the water turn off.

Damn, your timing is amazing, as always.

You're settling your shades on the bridge of your nose as John waltzes into the room, clad only in the towel he has wrapped around his waist. You raise a pale eyebrow at him, quirking it into visibility over your shades, and he laughs nervously, scratching the back of his neck with one hand.

"Oh hey, morning. Didn't think you'd be up yet."

"Shit bro," you find your voice decided to cooperate with you this morning, sounding deep and scratchy with sleep, "I'm always up. If I fell asleep, the void where my swag was would create a black hole. Ain't about to let that happen."

John giggles, "Dave, don't lie. You were totally snoring when I got up; I heard it."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

He laughs a little louder and you return his broad grin with a slim smile of your own. You come to the easy conclusion that his laugh sounds so much better in real life than in your head. You rather like it. It suits him to a T.

"Diggin' your Batman body wash there, Dave."

"Fuck yeah, bro," you nod sagely, "Dollar store special. Smells like fuckin' rainbows too. Can't get any better."

The snort that vibrates through his nose at that is _entirely_ attractive. Just wow. How does he _not_ have all the ladies? Oh yeah, that's right. You're here too. Problem solved.

Anyways.

John shakes his head, grin wide and cheeks flushed with mirth. "I'm done with the bathroom if you wanna take a shower. Should have enough hot water left."

You snuggle back down into your blankets. "Fuck that, I have another three hours 'til class. I'm going back to sleep."

"Have fun with that," he says as he pulls some clothes from his closet and heads back to the bathroom. You won't quite yet; you're not that big in the chest area, but you're not too keen on John accidentally copping a feel and you sure as hell aren't going to fall asleep in your vest. Thus, you wait as he putters about for a good twenty minutes, getting ready to head out, until he actually _leaves_ before you squirm back out of your vest for a couple more hours of sleep.

===> TIME : DO YOUR THING

Time passes in a relatively normal manner. Nothing much of interest happens during this period.

===> DAVE : PONDER YOUR SITUATION WITH JOHN

You find it's a lot easier living with John than you ever imagined. You figured, at some point, he would irritate the fuck out of you for one reason or another but, three weeks into your cohabitation and he... just hasn't. He sings in the shower and occasionally hums while he does homework, but you just give him shit for that --

("Dude, is that Lady Gaga you're humming?"

"Ah, uh, no. It's Katy Perry.")

\-- and watch as he turns pink because _oh god, you_ heard _that?_ so you really can't say it bothers you. He also has a habit of walking around in just the pants to his jimjams but, well, he's not bad looking in the least, so you suppose you don't mind (even if you're jealous of his flat chest and slim, bony hips and the way he has a trail of dark hair all the way up to his navel).

He likes dragging you down to the schools gym on the rare occasion when you're both free from demonic grasp of schooling for a couple hours --

("Dude, I'm a science nerd _and_ a band geek. I gotta do _something_ to appeal to the ladies."

"Whatever you say man. Gimme a sec to change and I'm all yours."

"You don't have to change up here, man. There's a locker room."

"Shit bro, I ain't about to let all you manly men get a glimpse of this fine Strider ass. I'd turn half the campus gay and despite what people might claim, there ain't nearly enough of me for all the poor, hot collage girls who are suddenly without a porking partner."

"Oh shit, wait. Yeah. Good point. Sorry.")

\-- and while you were pretty fucking toned to begin with from sparring with Bro all these years, you're developing muscle in places you never before managed under his tutelage and that fucking rocks. And maybe you kinda like how close he gets when he goes to correct your grip or your pose or the way you move, nudging your body into proper form with gentle pressure and calloused hands. You may not want to fuck him, but you have _eyes_ and you ain't gonna deny that he's pretty damn attractive.

Now, what's killing you is your class load. Jesus Christ, what were you _thinking_ when you decided to go with art as your major? It's like you're trying to run up a building diagonally and you're kind of sick of having to wash your hands and face half a dozen times a night 'cause you keep smudging charcoal all over _everything_ and John won't tell you when you accidentally give yourself a Hitler 'stache.

===> END CHAPTER


	4. NO HOMO BROMO

===> DAVE : BE A GOOD STUDENT

Fuck that. You're deeply involved in a game of Mario Kart 64, busy WHOOPING ASS with Yoshi speeding around corners in first place under your control -- you really should be doing homework instead but whatever -- when John walks in with dinner. The stench of cheap Chinese food assaults your nose and awakens the beast in your belly. Your best bro sits next to you, spreading out styrofoam containers in a smorgasbord of deliciously awful food across the floor. Your stomach growls loud enough for even John to hear and your eyes never leave the screen as you say, "Eggroll me bro, stat," opening your mouth wide.

You half watch him out of the corner of your eye as he reaches down but fuck, Toad's there behind you with fucking shells, gotta dodge that shit. You avoid all three with MAD SKILLZ.

But you don't avoid the glob of sweet and sour sticky catapulted your way. You freeze, teeth snapping shut and fingers gone lax on the controller. Yoshi plows into the grass as you turn to face John, a glob of gelatinous goop dripping off your chin.

"Dude."

John makes a sound that can only be transcribed as _pbfffft_ before he doubles over, laughing into the linoleum. He smacks one hand on the floor as he cackles. You can practically see his PRANKSTER'S GAMBIT skyrocket.

"Not. Fucking. Cool."

You proceed to shove a handful of chow mein down the back of his shirt. The food fight that results ends when the RA is called thanks to how loud Karkat is yelling at the two of you and you're all put on janitor duty for your floor for the rest of the month.

It's worth it. Even if for the rest of the month, you barely get any sleep, it is worth it.

===> STORY : SEGUE INTO A DIFFERENT SCENE

Yup.

===> DAVE : TAKE CARE OF YOUR SHIT

Your phone buzzes with a calendar alert as you're eating lunch with John. You dismiss it without even looking. You know what it's for. John raises an eyebrow. You simply wave off his question.

"Gotta let Bro I'm still alive and all that shit," you lie smoothly, without missing a beat. You don't really need to, but the truth is still awkward as balls to admit.

"Ah, ok," he laughs, "I should probably call Dad up myself. Haven't since like, the first week of school. He's probably turned the house into a confectionary war zone by now." John shudders at the idea of that much cake, and you snort in laughter.

"Shit, he should be sending some of that our way. I'd be down for some sick pastry bombs." John gives you a look that says he thinks you're crazy. You shrug. "Just because you're burnt out on cake, doesn't mean I have to be too, bro."

"Dude, you've never been pied in the face."

"Yeah, but I've had sweet and sour pork slung my way and I still eat shitty Chinese."

He grins. "Point taken."

Soon after, the two of you split, him headed to his bio lab and you, as far as he knows, headed back to your room to maybe get some homework done. Really, all you do up there is grab your book before turning back 'round and head towards the bus stop. Twenty minutes, some light rain, and half a dozen stops down the road finds you in front of the local clinic belonging oh so conveniently to your medical provider. Another fifteen spent waiting in an oddly comfortable chair and you're called back to the injection room, the nurse in charge of your escapades giving you a confused look.

You pull your shirt up around your waist, shove down the edge of your boxers and jeans, and assume the position.

You spend the rest of the day with a barely there limp because god _damn_ , you've a bruise the size of fucking Kansas on your ass now, stupid fucking needle.

===> DAVE : RETURN FROM CLASS

Thank god that's over. Thank god you've got a glorious three days until you have to go back. Your right hand is in a perpetual state of cramping from all the drawing you've done. And wow, Karkat is sitting _really_ close to John. Like, closer than usual. Which has always been creepy-close. It's not like John cares or anything. John's a pretty affectionate guy and that couch _is_ really small.

It's just...

===> DAVE : HAVE AN EPIPHANY

Holy shit, Karkat has the hots for John! That is just... not something you would have ever expected. You like to think your gay-dar is at least halfway decent but. Wow.

Huh.

Interesting.

===> DAVE : CHILL IN YOUR ROOM

That is something you do. You suppose you should let John know, since the oblivious fucker is straight as can be, but it doesn't have to be _now_. You can be tactful. Even though you're sure it would be fucking hilarious to see Karkles' reaction to being called out. He has a class in like, an hour anyway, so it's not a huge deal.

So yup. You head into your room and flop on your bed, looking forward to a whole hour dedicated to just you and your tumblr dashboard.

===> AN HOUR : WASTED ON TUMBLR

That is a very easy thing to do.

===> DAVE : WAIT FOR KARKAT TO LEAVE

You can always tell when he's left. He doesn't slam the door anymore, but the suite drops into a sudden silence without his over zealous fumings. Like just now. You can hear John moving around the kitchen, clinking dishes together as he tidies up a bit. Not long after, he joins you in your shared room.

"Hey," he says, commandeering the end of your bed.

You reply with your usual, "'Sup," and add, "Karkat likes you."

John snorts, "I should hope so. It'd kinda suck to room with someone who didn't like me."

You roll your eyes, turning in your desk chair to look at him. "Naw, dude. He _likes_ you. Did you not notice how close he was sitting next to you earlier?"

"What? No," John scoffs, laughing, "He's just.. like that."

You raise an eyebrow at him. "Dude, his flirting was so painfully obvious, even a fifth grader would have noticed how gay he is for you," you pause, pretending to think, "then again, he flirts like a fifth grader."

"Oh, burn. I'm sure someone's called the fire department to put out the sick flames Karkat has spontaneously burst into." Under any other circumstance, you'd be proud of the deadpan poker face John pulls off.

You scowl. "I'm fucking serious. That guy wants in your pants like a fat kid wants cake."

John scowls right back at you for a moment, before his face spreads into a mischievous grin. "Dave!" he exclaims, "Are you jealous?"

You're taken aback. "What? No. I just don't want some creep mackin' on you."

"Oh man. You totally are!" His knowing giggle makes you flush and you spin back around so he doesn't see. "What will all the ladies think, Dave?"

" _He_ wants to fuck you, not me," you grumble at your computer.

"Dude, it's ok if you're gay."

"I'm not."

"I won't think any less of you."

"Really."

"You don't have to hide it, man."

"I'm not fucking gay."

"Come out of the closet, Dave. I know Mister Tumnus is gonna miss you, but you have to do it."

"I'm asexual, dunkass, now fuck off."

"Narnia's all snow any -- wait, what?"

A muscle in your jaw twitches as you pointedly stare out the window. "I'm asexual. As in, I don't want to fuck anything and, unlike dear, sweet, Karkles, that includes you." You see the kicked puppy look John throws your way and you feel like a total ass.

"Oh."

You kind of get the feeling that he's disappointed, but that can't be right. He's Mister Straight Guy. All the mangrit he has could never in a million years let him have any sort of homosexual feelings. Not even towards you.

"Well," he says, "I still don't think Karkat's gay."

You roll your eyes again and sigh, "Dude, think about it."

===> JOHN : THINK ABOUT IT

There's not much to think about! You're positive that Karkat is straight. You mean, there's nothing wrong with being gay. Who are you to judge who someone else finds attractive? But there's just no way Karkat's gay. He's just so.. tough and angry. There's no way someone like him could be gay!

Okay, yeah, he does seem to be a little fixated on dicks, but there are so many interesting bits of vulgarities involving the male genetallia, and it's not like Karkat means it when he says, "Suck my dick." And he doesn't treat you any different from Dave or Sollux! Well, not really. Mostly, you just brush his insults off whereas Dave and Sollux bite back; they both really like rilling Karkat up, although Sollux tends to let Karkat's anger affect him as well. That tends to be pretty funny 'cause Sollux's lisp gets so much worse when he's not paying attention to it and you can't quite take either of them seriously when they're thpitting insults at each other like they're Sylvester's curse filled cousins. So yeah, Karkat's not _nicer_ to you, per se. You just don't react to him is all!

Even if he _does_ get pretty mean about the movies you like. A lot of them are kinda cheesy, but there's nothing wrong with that! He doesn't have to rag on them, but he talks shit about things Dave and Sollux like too. And if it seems like he bitches about your cinematic choices more than Dave's music or Sollux's lisp, than that's because the two of you watch a lot of movies together!

Though he does seem to sit right next to you more often than not. And usually pretty close, too. But your couch _is_ pretty tiny! It's not like he can really help being that close! Then again, Dave sits next to you a lot, and he never gets quite as close as Karkat does, even when he's sprawled out across you too. Dave's butt is always firmly on the other cushion. Huh.

And he does always tell you when you've got your shirt on inside out (which happens a _lot_ more than you'd care to admit). And when your cowlicks are especially bad. And he did sort of go on a rant this morning about how you should get a haircut since you, quote, "look like a sloppy dumbfuck."

Well then.

Maybe Dave's right? Because when you take a moment to actually _think_ about it, it does kind of seem like Karkat's been awkwardly hitting on you. Sort of. A little?

You sigh. "So you really think he likes me like that?"

Dave nods, "Positive bro. You make his kokoro go doki doki."

You can't help but crack a bit of a grin at that.

===> KARKAT : RETURN FROM YOUR CLASS

Thank fucking god your week is over. You don't know what you were thinking when you decided on just this one random evening class. Past you was such a fucking douchewaffle, carelessly fucking you over like that.

Your hate-rage aimed towards your own self is rudely interrupted by John bouncing out of his room with half grin that betrays his awkwardness over something.

"Oh, hey Karkat. Can I talk to you about something?" His awkwardness levels increase, skyrocketing in a way one would have to be _blind_ to miss.

Fuck your life.

You execute a sigh-scowl combo like a fucking master. "Fine." It's not even worth the effort to deny him. Plus the way he kind of brings his eyebrows together a little in worry is sort of cute.

"Do you, you know," he shrugs a little, "like me?"

You can feel the blush trying to force its way to your cheeks. "You're mildly more tolerable than most douchebags."

He back peddles a little, gesturing meaninglessly with his hands. God, his eyes are so blue.

"No, I mean, do you _like_ me?" The emphasis he puts on "like" makes your tender romantic's heart go pitter patter. Not that you'd admit it, and if anybody tried to call you out, it's the rain. That's a thing that happens enough here. Of course it's the rain.

Anways.

===> KARKAT : TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL

Oh fuck, how? You know you're not the most tactful person out there and you are not that great at expressing your feelings without making a total ass out of yourself and this is something you _really_ don't want to blow because John is cute and funny and you share a fair amount of common interests and he's not a _total_ moron and he's actually _your size_. As in, he doesn't tower over you by half a fucking head like your other two roommates. And your best friend. And your best friend's roommate (theoretically). And everybody else in your DnD group. And basically _every fucking person you've ever fucking met_.

Just. Fuck your life.

Fuck your _life_.

How do you say half that shit without coming across as a total twatfuck?

Apparently you took too long, because John saves you the trouble of talking. "'Cause, 'cause, I mean, I'm not like that!" he says, "Not that there's anything wrong with being gay or anything, I just, I'm not myself and I really don't want anything to be awkward between us 'cause you're really cool and I like hanging out with you and stuff and movie nights just wouldn't be the same without you! I just really don't want you to, um, harbor any false hopes?" Even when he's shooting you down without you so much as saying a god damned word, he's freaking adorable when he starts rambling. "Shit, fuck. I'm really sorry if I'm reading too much into things." The apologetic, half grin he shoots you melts your heart a little. He's got a fucking _dimple_.

Gaah.

"No, it's fine," you shrug, "No big deal. I, I'll back off, sorry."

===> JOHN : WOW, THAT WAS EASY?

Dave was right? You were almost, kind of hoping he wasn't. You still would have made an ass out of yourself, but you wouldn't have really hurt your friend in the process. Not that Karkat really looked _hurt_ , per se, although he does look quite a bit more disgruntled than usual. And you kind of want to hug the grumpiness straight out of him. Like he's a very angry cat.

Although you're reasonably sure he'd have the same reaction as a very angry cat.

===> KARKAT : BE AN OVERDRAMATIC NINNY

The guy you liked just rejected you. The world sucks, your life is over, everyone is out to get you, even your own past self is sabotaging you.

You take solstice in the sweet, sweet embrace of your bed.

===> SOLLUX : STARE AT YOUR BUNKMATE ODDLY

For once, Karkat didn't spew angry word vomit your way the moment he stepped foot into the room. All he did was faceplant into his bed.

You debate the merits of slipping him one of your uppers.

===> END CHAPTER


	5. GHOSTYPEPPER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whoops forgot to post this here Wednesday.

===> DAVE : BE ASKED ON A DATE

"You know, we've never gone to check out that ice cream shop."

You look over at John, staring at him with a raised eyebrow over the edge of your sketchbook. He hasn't moved any, thankfully. You continue working on your homework as you ask, "What ice cream shop?"

"You know," he gestures a little with one hand, but puts it back almost exactly, "That one that was at the school's whatcha-ma-callit?"

"Real specific, Egbert."

He giggles, "The.. oh fuck, what's the word? Ah, the introduction thing?"

"Yeah, and?"

"There was an ice cream shop. Apparently it's really good. I have the flyer somewhere. Wanna go?"

His grin is infections. You can't help to smirk back when you ask, "John, are you asking me out on a date?" You even flutter your eyelashes at him.

"Oh Dave, I've wanted to for the longest time!" He plays along like a champ, "But I've always been worried about you saying no!" _And_ he flutters his eyelashes right back at you, except he looks like a total weirdo when he does it, all posed like a swooning maiden, and you sort of choke on your laughter. Just a little. But it's okay, 'cause John can't keep a straight face either.

Neither of you are successful in fighting off a mutual fit of giggles.

===> DAVE : AGREE TO GO

You figure, why the hell not. You like ice cream. You like ironic bro dates. Ironic bro dates for ice cream are right up your alley.

It only takes a couple more minutes for you to finish up your drawing. You're okay with it being pretty sketchy. It's not like your assignment was asking for this amazing, gallery worthy, hang-it-on-your-wall-at-home figure drawing. Nope. You just needed to draw someone with interesting perspective, so you asked John to pose so you could paint him like one of your French girls and took a seat at the end of the bed. Foot first is a pretty interesting way to draw someone swooning across a bed, in your opinion.

Plus you got to make a stupid reference to Titanic, which is always a plus.

Anyways. The two of you bus out to Mallard's (the flyer John had mentioned found its way into one of his text books, somehow) and check that shit out.

===> DAVE : CHECK THAT SHIT OUT

You approve of the shop. Respectably retro, if maybe a little too white, with a couple of plush, tacky couches mixed in with all the tables and a list of some of the weirdest ice cream flavours you have ever seen.

"Oh man," John says, bouncing on the balls of his feet next to you while the two of you wait in line, "I want them all."

You shake your head. "You'd barf all over the place if you ate _all_ the ice cream."

"Yeah, probably," he laughs, "But they all sound so good!"

You roll your eyes at him, nudging your shades up the bridge of your nose. The two of you are next in line. "Pick like, three or something to try." You've more or less settled on a bowl of the rose flavoured, because then you can text your sister weird, incestuous, vaguely cannibalistic things.

"Aaah, that's so _hard_ though!"

"You know what else is hard?"

He sputter-laughs, putting his hands up. "Woah, Dave, woah. We're in public. Think of the children. Pervert."

You look at him, incredulous. "Dude." He cracks up and the chick in front of you steps away from the counter.

John takes her place in an instant, grinning wide at the girl behind the counter. "What's good here?" he asks.

She smiles back. "Everything."

"Oh man," he turns his grin on you now, "See Dave. I really do have to eat it all. I could miss out on something."

You sigh, leaning one hip against the counter, and the employee tells John basically the same thing you did : pick a couple to try. He rattles off a list, ticking the names off on his fingers.

He tries the chocolate peanut butter -- "Tastes like a Reese's." -- and the rose -- "not bad, but kinda weird" -- and the grape soda -- "Dude, yes." -- and finally, ghost pepper lime, which comes with a disclaimer.

"You know that ghost pepper is the hottest naturally occurring pepper in the world, right?" the girl behind the counter asks, both slim eyebrows raised.

John shrugs, "Sure." You're willing to bet he didn't. She hands over the spoon and he pops it in his mouth. It doesn't take long for his eyes to start watering. He fans his mouth with one hand, as though that would help, and exclaims, "That's really spicy!"

"Really now?" You roll your eyes.

"Dave, Dave, you have to try it too!" and to the girl, "Can he?"

She looks at you and you shrug. She returns a moment later and John has this _grin_ that would fit better on a demon as you suck the ice cream off the spoon. It starts off citrusy -- the lime, obviously -- but holy fuck, does it burn going down. You manage to not fan your mouth like ~~an idiot~~ John, but just barely, and only by pressing your palm against your mouth instead.

"You thinking what I'm thinking?" he asks, that same devilish grin smeared across his face. Someone in your suite is going to really regret eating ice cream.

You reply in your best Pinky voice, "I think so Brain, but this time, you wear the rubber pants."

Even the girl behind the counter giggles. Aw yiss.

"I'll have a cup of the grape soda and a pint of the ghost pepper, please?" John orders.

"And I'll have the rose."

John beats you to paying, batting your wallet-holding hand away with a mumbled, "Dude, I got it," and a bit of a scuffle as you try to shove a couple bills into his pocket for yours. You give up mostly because you're handed ice cream (but also sort of because John's hand against your chest as he pushes you away is kind of awkward).

"So what's hard?" he asks, as the two of you wander off to a table.

"Huh?" Reeeaaal intelligent there, Dave.

"You said, you know what else is hard? So what's hard?"

"Dude, I don't remember," you shrug, "Dealing with you maybe?"

"Hahah, jerk." He bumps into you, shoulder against, well, your arm with how much taller you are than him. You half stumble a step to the side.

"Derp."

"Better a derp than a jerk."

"Pff, you wish."

===> DAVE : BE SOMEONE ELSE

You are now The Mallard's Girl and those two guys are freaking adorable together. First dates are always so fun.

===> JOHN : BE A GOOD STUDENT

You're trying! It's so haaard though! You're just _dying_ to have the prank you set up trigger! It's been _three whole days_ already! The suspense is killing you! Someone needs to eat the damn ice cream already!

You flop on your bed, textbook covering your face, and groan in anguish. You can also _feel_ the eyebrow raise Dave does in response. It practically causes a shift in the whole atmosphere!

"I'm so impatient!" you whine, "It's such a good prank!"

You hear Dave's snort of laughter and the clatter of pencil against pencil.

"Seriously though! It'll be awesome. Someone just needs eat the freaking ice cream already!"

"And by someone, you mean Karkat, right?"

You snicker, "Yeah, a little. I have a feeling Sollux wouldn't fall for it. I'll just have to think of something else to get him instead."

Dave lets out one of his breathy laughs at that. A couple of moments later, he asks, "Blue or green."

You sit up, peeling the textbook away from your face. "Blue, duh!" Another little laugh. You grin. "What'cha drawing?"

"Stuff."

"Real specific," you snicker. He shrugs and flips his sketchbook around so you can see. Obviously, he's not finished, but it's this crazy, psychedelic landscape with mushrooms and clouds and rocks chunked out in pitch black ink. He's started to fill out the horizon with a deep navy blue. "Awesome."

"I thought so."

"What's it for?"

He's settled back into drawing position, mouth open to answer, when Karkat shrieks, "WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK? WHY WOULD SOMEONE EVER --? IT'S FUCKING, DEAR JESUS, IT'S LIKE SATAN JIZZED IN MY MOUTH, HOLY FUCK IT BURNS."

You're at the door in half a heart beat, peaking through the tiniest crack. Dave joins you, standing on his bed to see over your head. Karkat has his entire face stuck under the faucet, gurgling curses as he smacks the counter with one hand. There's a bowl of ice cream next to him, a bloody huge chunk already spooned out. You all but have to stuff your fist into your mouth to keep from laughing.

That was beautiful.

===> JOHN : BE KARKAT IN A COUPLE DAYS

Good idea, because current Karkat is still melting from _ice cream_.

So it is now a couple days later, and also, you are now Karkat. What will you do?

===> KARKAT : DROWN YOURSELF IN YOUR BEDDING

You fucking wish. You have class in a little under an hour, thus, you have to get up. And also Sollux is already up and clacking away at his keyboard like a fucking obnoxious, bee striped woodpecker.

Or possibly a bee's pecker. It's stinger, that is.

Fuck you, it's early. Your insults can't all be winners.

You roll over and call up too your roommate’s bunk, "Do you have to type like a fucking jackhammer?"

"No," he replies, "Do you have to thnore like a chainthaw?"

"Suck a dick."

"Only yourths, Kay-Kay."

You roll your eyes and drag yourself away from the loving embrace of your bed.

===> KARKAT : PROCEED THROUGH YOUR DAY

You get right fucking on that.

===> DAY : BE PROCEEDED THROUGH

Yup :D

===> KARKAT : BE YOURSELF AGAIN IN A COUPLE OF HOURS

You are now you in a couple of hours. You are also pointedly tuning out your DM's nattering as she follows along with you to your dorm. Apparently, as the cleric, it is your job to deal with all the little shit for your group, like coming up with a name and would the group rather go here or _here_. You play DnD to bash fake things in their fake faces with your fake maul and that's basically it. Not that you're not okay with being the leader -- it's not like any of the other moronic dickbags in your group could be trusted with such responsibility without getting you all _killed_. You just don't really want to deal with all the bureaucratic bullshit.

"Fruity rumpus asshole party. That is now our name. Fucking happy?"

Aradia grins and bounces on the balls of her feet. Her chest joins in the motion, reverberating as she giggles, "Sure." You attempt to shoot her the evil eye while simultaneously rolling your eyes. It doesn't work so well. She snorts and slaps you on the shoulder.

Then Sollux walks up and Jesus fuck, he must be capable of unhinging his jaw because, Christ, it just hit the floor. You snap at him, "The fuck are you drooling over, dick hole?"

He completely fucking ignores you, instead greeting Aradia with what he must assume is a suave, "Hey there, gorgeous," but his lisp ruins it and she giggles some more.

"Hey," she replies, sticking out her hand, "Aradia, but this douche," she jerks her head over towards you, "Gets to call me God."

He lets out one of his wheezy, creeper laughs and shakes her hand. "Thollukths. He callths me fuckaths."

"He calls everybody fuckass; don't take it personally."

You give up, sighing in frustration, and stomp into your dorm suite alone, shutting the door firmly behind you. Let Sollux awkwardly hit on your DM. You don't care, just as long as you aren't subjected to being witness.

Twenty minutes later has Sollux waltzing back in bragging about the date he has with Aradia set for Friday. Jesus fuck.

===> END CHAPTER


	6. HOLIDAY CHEER

===> DAVE : BE INVITED OVER FOR THANKSGIVING

You have a feeling you shouldn't be surprised that John's dad invited you, a kid he has never before met, over for a freaking holiday, but you sort of are. Here you were, all set to chill in your dorm while everybody else heads off to stuff their faces with their families, when John popped off with his dad's proposition for a home cooked meal.

You jump on that shit like a junkie on free smack.

"Fuck yeah, sure. I'm down." Who are you to turn away free food? Real food, even, instead of booze and puppet ass. "When we leaving?"

"Oh, uh. Dad's just about to leave, actually," he confesses sheepishly. You raise an eyebrow.

"Awfully last minute there, Egbert."

He nods, "I know. It'll take him at least an hour to get here though, so you still have plenty of time to pack!"

You snort and drag yourself away from the internet to go pack.

===> JOHN : BE EXCITED

You're really glad your dad is okay with you dragging Dave home for the holiday. Thanksgiving break is really way too short to fly off across the country, but there's no way you'd leave your best bro high and dry when he should be spending time with family! Even if, well, it's your family and not his. Besides, you think Dad's a little sad that Jade and Jake can't make it this year. It will only be the three of you, but that's still a lot better than two! And it's the perfect time to introduce Dave to Dad! And maybe you and Dave can have a proper sleep over and everything! Sharing a dorm room isn't a sleepover -- you haven't binged on Mountain Dew and video games so it's doesn't count. You're going to kick Dave's ASS at a number of REALLY AWESOME video games he thinks he's too cool to play.

Gosh, this is going to be fun!

===> JOHN : OH LOOK, A PESTERCHUM ALERT

You are packed, Dave is packed, the allocated time has passed. You check your phone and, sure enough, it's your dad saying he has pulled into the parking lot. You hop up, over excited, and drag Dave along with you. He snorts and struggles and just generally gives you a hard time as the two of you make you way down to the first floor.

You shove Dave into the back seat of your dad's car and climb in after, grinning wide as you lean between the two front seats to say, "Hey Dad!"

The two of you are greeted in return in a proper, fatherly way.

===> TIME : PASS AND ALSO BE DAVE.

~~i c wat u did thar~~

You are now Dave and also currently pulling up to Casa De Egbert. John chatted both your and his father's ears off the entire drive down. You aren't surprised in the least.

But Jesus, the Egbert house is impressive. You shouldn't be as taken aback at this fact as you are, but from the way John talks about his home, you were figuring on something a little more.. cozy than this monstrosity. Although, really, you're one to talk, considering the massive thing you live in yourself. At least your house is off in buttfuck nowhere, whereas John's is one giant among a fucking army of them; row after row of these huge houses with their perfect little front yards and their three car garages stretch out as far as the eye can see, illuminated by porch lights and street lamps, the occasional park interrupting their march. It's fucking creepy.

Anyways.

===> DAVE : ENTER

You follow John and his dad out of the car, towering over both of them. You half feel like you should have to stoop to make it through the doorway unscathed. John gestures out wide as you enter the front room.

"Taduh!" he exclaimes like the complete dweeb he is while his dad flicks on the lights. You would roll your eyes, but you're too busy squinting them against the sudden glare that cuts through your shades.

His house is.. nice. Clean and homey and neatly decorated and pretty obviously a male only household. There are none of the knitted doilies or shitty wizards that grace your own living room (although you do spot a couple of, what are those, jesters? gracing a handful of horizontal surfaces). But Jesus, are there a lot of photographs. How can two people manage to scrounge up THAT MANY photographs?

John's dad (Dadbert? Naw, that sounds stupid) interrupts your thoughts, offering his hand to shake as he says, "Nice to finally meet you, Dave. You've been quite the influence on John."

You take his hand, shaking it as firmly as your scrawny ass artist fingers will allow (fucking hell, does your hand feel tiny compared to his, christ), and return the introductory banter with a smooth, "A good one, I hope. It's a pleasure, sir."

His eyebrows raise slightly in surprise, whereas John's practically disappear into his hairline. Who said you didn't have manners? They may not make many appearances, but they're there and you sure as hell know when to use them.

"The pleasure's all mine," the man replies, giving you a small smile as he releases your hand, "Make yourself at home, son -- " he turns to John then, " -- may I have a word, John?"

You flinch and John stumbles over his words, "Oh, uh, sure!" and the two of them step into the kitchen.

===> DAVE : BE JOHN

You are now John and oh jeeze. This is going to be awkward. You didn't even think about Dave being trans when you asked your dad if he could stay for the holiday.

"Dave is quite the, ah, feminine young man, isn't he?" your father starts.

"Uh, yeah. He's," you gesture and you're probably making a face, "trans. I forgot to tell you."

"It's quite alright. You don't have any issues with it, do you?"

You flail a little, "What? No! Dave's awesome! Do, do you?"

"Of course not. I was just a little surprised is all."

You wiggle your toes and yeah, now you are most definitely making a face. "Sorry." This is just really fucking weird and not something you were expecting in the least. You had just gotten so used to Dave being, well, _Dave_ that what's in his pants is just a complete non-issue with you.

Anyways, a long silence stretches between the two of you. You can hear Dave moving in the next room. Oh fuck, he can probably hear you and your dad too, shit.

And then your dad makes it a whole lot more awkward by asking, "The two of you aren't having any... relations, are you?"

You sputter so hard you actually sort of trip over your own feet despite standing still. "What?" you exclaim, "No! Dude, gross! I mean, there's nothing wrong with Dave, he's a great guy and I love him in a totally platonic, bromantical sort of way but he's Dave and also a guy and Daaaad! Seriously?"

You squish your face into your hands in embarrassment.

===> JOHN : BE DAVE SO YOU CAN LISTEN TO YOURSELF MAKE A FOOL. OF YOURSELF.

You are now Dave and you heard every single word of that conversation. Jesus, _you're_ embarrassed for Egbert strike]and also secretly sort of fluttery inside because John totally spaced on you being trans like it ain't no thing and that is fucking AWESOME[/strike]. And the idea of you and him having sex? Weird and totally not cool. You don't want to think about that ever. You and John share feelings on this, besides the fact that he'd totally bone someone and you just. Wouldn't.

Anyways.

The Egberts return from the faraway land of KITCHEN to find you leaning against the mantle.

You ask, "What gave it away?"

Dadbert (seriously, you need to think of something else to call him; John's dad and Dadbert just.. really don't cut it) admits, "Your voice."

You nod. You're not really surprised. Your range has increased exponentially since you started transitioning, so most the time you don't raise suspicion but you still creep up pretty high if you're not paying attention, and you guess you were too intent on making a good impression to pay attention.

No biggie.

===> DAVE : BE SHOWN AROUND

The Egberts brush your queerness off without batting an eyelash, and take you on an extended tour of the house. Downstairs consists of the living room and the family room and the dining room and the kitchen and Dad's den and there's even a bathroom, yay! Upstairs has John's room and Jade's room, whoever she is, and a guest room, where you'll be staying, and Dad's room and another bathroom yay! Pretty typical house stuff, really.

===> DAVE : CHILL WITH JOHN IN HIS ROOM FOR A BIT

You're a little disgruntled that John's dad was pretty insistent that you take the guest room. It's not like you haven't been sharing a room with John for a couple of months already, but whatever.

Anyways, you ask about this MYSTERIOUS Jade who is supposed to inhabit the next room over. You remember John mentioning her off and on over the years, but nothing terribly major.

"My cousin," John informs you, "She's off in college too, in England actually!" You raise an eyebrow at him, prompting him to continue; "She almost went to Em-Eye-Tee, but decided pretty last minute that it'd be cool to go to an English university, 'cause her last name _is_ English, like, literally."

You raise your other eyebrow at that. This chick bailed on an opportunity to go to MIT for stupid, punny reasons? What the hell? Then again, she's related to the derp in front of you, who decided to go to a backwoods school no one's ever heard of when he could have afforded to go anywhere he wanted, and drag you along for the ride to boot. Not that you're complaining.

"What's she studying?"

"Uh, physics of some sort. Particle physics or something, I donno. Weird sciencey stuff I don't get."

You roll your eyes at that, "Dude, you're a science major."

"No," he specifies, "I'm a _bio_ major. There's a difference. I deal with organic stuff, not weird theoretical things. Crazy space shenanigans are her deal."

You snort and tell him, "You are the biggest fucking dork I have ever met."

He just grins at that.

===> BE THANKSGIVING DAY ALREADY

It is now Thanksgiving day and you are still Dave Strider.

What do you do?

===> DAVE : TEXT YOUR SISTER TO GLOAT

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at [14:12] ! --

TG : happy sacrificial poultry day  
TT : A happy Thanksgiving to you as well.  
TT : I take it you're enjoying yourself?  
TG : shit yeah  
TG : fuck the turkey  
TG : i am literally swimming in a sea of pie and various other delicious confectioneries  
TG : its amazing  
TT : You had better watch yourself, Dave, or with all those sweets, you may end up ruining your lovely figure.  
TG : suck a bag of dicks lalonde  
TG : aint nothin ever gonna spoil this fine ass of mine  
TT : You're well aware of my preferences, brother.  
TG : and you know it  
TG : bluh yeah  
TG : poor mom  
TG : even bro will never give her grandbabies  
TT : Such an occurrence would be absolutely terrifying, so that's really for the best.  
TT : Speaking of Dirk, he decided to help cook today.  
TG : fuck really  
TT : Yes  
TG : fun  
TT : Quite.  
TT : He and our dear Mother have decided to make our dinner from scratch.  
TG : im kinda jealous  
TG : really  
TG : thats gotta be fucking hilarious  
TT : It is indeed quite amusing.  
TT : However, I am not looking forward to the end result.  
TT : Although, as long as the fire department isn't called, I shall deem it a success.  
TG : even if you aint gonna eat it  
TT : Would you?  
TG : hell no  
TG : too busy eating pie  
TG : speaking of which gotta go so i can stuff my face proper  
TG : later bitch  
TT : I hope you choke, brother mine.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has logged off at [14:26] ! --

===> TIME : FAST FORWARD

After Thanksgiving, you're back in the dorms with finals looming ahead and John goes into SUPER STUDY MODE.

It's pretty much the most boring two weeks of your life.

And then you realize, holy shit, finals start Monday.

The next week is spent cramming as much study time into all nighters as you can. You somehow manage to stay awake through all your billion-and-a-half tests.

All John has to say is : "I told you, dog. I warned you."

You just show him the amazing skills you have at dual wielding your middle fingers.

===> SOME MORE TIME : PASS

You fly home for Christmas. You almost wish you could have tagged along with John for the holiday instead. There's only so much you can take of phallic puppets and your mother dumping her martinis all over you. Your chucks have a perpetual, if, thankfully, barely there, stank of vodka.

At least Rose's BATSHIT CRAZY is somewhat tolerable. She just grills you about how you're coping with living in close proximity with a bunch of cisexual heterosexuals. Always tactful in her meddling, that one. You promptly informed her of Karkat's crush on John, which shut her up pretty quick. And you fucking love your sister's cat. Mutie is teh uber kawaiis and one snuggly son of a bitch.

You spend your birthday chilling, bombarded by messages from John as he wishes you happy birthday and smuppets while your brother does the same. Really, you spend the entire break chilling, bombarded by messages from John and stupid phallic puppets by your bro, just because.

You return to university three weeks later with a pair of new CDJs, a new binder, and a deceptively comfortable hand knit sweater (pink, with music notes and, if you squint, kittens).

===> END CHAPTER


	7. JUST ANOTHER DAY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

===> JOHN : PICK DAVE UP AT THE AIRPORT

It was decided that Dave would stay with you the last couple of days of break, simply because you're a whole lot closer to B-ham than the airport is. And also 'cause he's your best bro.

Anyways, you're waiting for him outside the airport in your car, planning on a quick getaway. You also have a bunch of really stupid shit written on the outside of your car in that weird chalk paint stuff, as well as some shitty attempts at Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff. How your attempts can be shitty when Dave's comic is entirely based on being shitty, you're not sure. All you know is that they hardly even resemble the characters. Which is kind of sad, honestly.

Oh look! There's Dave!

===> JOHN : BE DAVE IN THE NEAR FUTURE

You are now Dave and also just now stepping into the Egbert household for a brief layover on your way back to college. You barely manage to drop your shit before John tackles you in a hug, lifting you clear off the floor. That's quite an accomplishment, really, considering you've got to be at least a good three inches taller than him.

"Jesus fuck, Egbert, can't a guy take off his shoes before being assaulted with snuggles? Seriously, my toes are dangling here. Lemme down."

He sets you back on your feet again but gives you a second tight squeeze before actually letting you go. You stumble away in an entirely OVER DRAMATIC fashion to flop onto his bed.

"Sorry, Dave. I missed you though!" He gives you a wide eyed puppy face and you roll your eyes even as you feel a blush claw its way up to your cheeks.

"Aw, shucks, John, I missed you too. Come gimme a kiss, baby; it's been far too long." He laughs at your twangy deadpan and exaggeratedly puckered lips, but totally lays a slobbery smooch on your forehead anyways. You wrinkle up your nose in mock disgust as you wipe your face with your sleeve. "Gross dude."

"You asked for it, bro."

He has a point.

"Anyways," he says, "I thought of a totally awesome prank to pull on Karkat and Sollux."

You raise an eyebrow at his mischievous grin. "Oh really?"

"Yeah." Somehow his grin grows even wider and, quite possibly, a little demonic as he lays out his plan.

"Question is," you say after he’s finished, "how will we get enough packing peanuts?"

The grin that you get in return is positively terrifying.

===> TIME : PASS AND ALSO STILL BE DAVE

It's just before noon. Karkat and Sollux are due back any moment. You and John have spent the entire morning sticky note-ing a sunset, inflating a palm tree, saran wrapping their doorway and filling the floor with a good two feet of packing peanuts. Arguably a sea of packing peanuts. There's styrofoam _everywhere_ and John's grin is wide enough for you to count all his teeth.

The two of you flop onto the couch just as Karkat stomps through the doorway. You lift one hand in greeting, clicking A on the controller in the other to start your game. John is surprisingly calm looking. If you didn't know better, you would have thought it was just any other day, completely lacking in a room full of packing peanuts.

You get, "Shut up, Strider," for a reply to your greeting.

"Jeethze, thomeone woke up on the wrong thide of the bed."

"Hi Sollux!"

"Oh _thanks_ , John. How I fucking _love_ to be completely ignored by your buck toothed idiocy while you dote on that lispy fucker instead. All _this_ humble bastard gets is a fucking _wave_. Not even a wave, just some douchebag raising their fucking hand in my general direction, Jesus cock-sucking Christ!"

John giggles, "Missed you too, Karkles."

You don't need to look over to know how red Karkat's face goes. You know it's practically purple. He _hates_ being called that.

"Fuck you, fuck that name, fuck the god damned _couch_ ; I'm going to bed."

You hear Sollux's weezy snickers in the kitchen and you _feel_ John's Prankster's Gambit rise preemptively as Karkat goes to open the door to his room. There's the sound of tape being pulled away as the door swings open and a flood of peanuts pours over Karkat's feet. There is a moment of silence.

Then : "WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK EGBERT WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG THIS'LL TAKE TO CLEAN UP I'LL BE PULLING FUCKING PACKING PEANUTS OUT OF MY ASS CRACK FOR THE NEXT FUCKING MONTH IS THAT AN INFLATABLE PINEAPPLE TREE?"

"Pretty thure that'sth a palm tree. The thunthet is a nice touch, bee-tee-dub."

John cackled gleefully. You smirk. Karkat rages.

===> END CHAPTER


	8. THE GAYEST THING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So here’s where the SHIPPY FEELS actually sort of start. Not really NSFW yet, but warnings for awkward topless Dave, awkward futa dreams, and awkward boners.

===> DAVE : WHAT'S THIS?

~~Why, it's a vague reference to a fantastically done stop motion film older than you are but still somehow selling shitty merchandise in Hot Topics across the nation!~~

Two weeks into January, it starts to snow. John's extremely excited because HOLY SHIT SNOW, but you're just flabbergasted. You've seen snow before, of course. You live in upstate New York. Snow is a thing that happens there. Quite a bit of it, usually.

You just never thought it would stop _raining_ is all, although apparently, it's supposed to snow pretty often up here as well.

John shakes you awake at three in the morning the night after it first starts, apparently on his way back from the bathroom, and you can count all his teeth with how wide his grin is.

"Dude. The snow's like, a foot deep out there. We've totally gotta go make a snowman army."

And just like that, you find yourself outside with jeans pulled over your jimjams and the jumper Rose made you over your head, watching as John starts rolling snow around for the start of his snowman army. You're not entirely sure _how_ exactly this happened though.

In the end, you simply help John construct one extremely ~~lopsided~~ awesome snow general, complete with a (stolen) bucket helmet and an angry face made of twigs and rocks. You dub him General Vantasshole and John punches you. The two of you cleared half the yard, as John's foot-of-snow was grossly exaggerated. There was maybe three inches. Still, John is absolutely ecstatic. You're just freezing your metaphorical testicles off.

You don't even bother to wait for the door to close once you're back in your room to start stripping. Nobody in their right mind is awake and you're too fucking cold to care besides. You leave your soggy clothes in a heap on the floor, diving under your amazing pile of blankets in only your boxers and tee shirt.

You're just starting to thaw when there's a gust of cold air and John climbs in behind you.

"Shut up," he says, amused, before you even have a chance to open your mouth, "I can hear you shivering from across the room. Scoot over."

"Shit bro, I'm supposed to be the coolest thing in any given environment. Snow is in the environment, thus I must be cooler, so of fuckin' course you can hear me shivering. It's now I express my cool. All the kids are doing it."

Another shudder racks your body and he continues to laugh at you, telling you that you're a dork. You almost argue, but decide against it when his arm bumps against yours and he's so warm it almost burns. Then you can't move fast enough. John laughs as he settles down beside you.

A moment passes. Then :

"Fuck, your feet are _cold_."

"No shit. You dragged me out at three in the god damned morning to play in the snow."

He laughs and snuggles closer, throwing one lava veined leg over the twin icicles you have attached to the bottom of your pelvis and his arm across your stomach. You hope he can't feel how hard your heart is beating, because it's pounding hard enough to damn near crack your ribs, you swear.

"No homo."

"Dude," you turn your head to stare at him out of one eye, "this is totes homo."

"Oh, Mister Strider, ooh. Your fine ass has infected me with the gay. Please, give me your cock. I need it, please." You snort and he dissolves into giggles. After his laughter peters out, there's a long moment of silence before he asks, "Is your shirt glowing?"

"Fuck yeah." It's a glow-in-the-dark jack-o-lantern shirt. You make a point to never actually wear it around Halloween.

"Awesome."

"Yup."

He doesn't say anything else. It doesn't take long for his breathing to even out as he falls asleep. A smile tilts your lips as you roll onto your side and snuggle back into his chest.

===> BE THE NEXT NIGHT

The next night, you end up crawling into Egbert's bed after him. He starts a little when you slide in behind next to him in the dark, but dutifully scoots over anyway.

"What's up?"

You shrug, "Nothin' really," as you scootch over next to him on your side. The shoulder you're laying on ends up squashed outwards as you try to configure yourself into a position where your ass isn't sticking out over the edge of the bed and your tits aren't pressed up against your friend-slash-bedmate. You wind up with one arm crossed over your chest, the other half wrapped around John's, palm to palm. He turns his head towards you and grins.

"Just can't stay away from me, can you, Dave?"

You roll your eyes as he snickers. "You have such a way with the ladies."

"Sure do!" he agrees.

Your voice is perfectly monotone as you mock, "Oh, mister Egbert, ooh." He snorts at that in a wonderfully attractive way he has. And you tell him so.

"Gee, thanks, Dave," he drawls back, "You're so flattering."

"I know, right?"

He laughs, "Shut up and go to bed."

Somehow your fingers wound up laced together. Huh.

===> DAVE : SO YOU'VE BEEN THINKING

Hell yeah, you have. A lot of thoughts have been rolling through your head. Thoughts about Egbert and your pretty obvious man crush on him. You definitely enjoyed the mad snuggles the last couple of nights have contained. You'd be down for some less-than-ironic bro dates. You also know that's never going to happen. Such are the woes you have as an asexual tranny crushing all over your straight-as-can-be best bro.

Then again, you didn't initiate the first round of cuddles, which brings question to John's status as a heterosexual.

===> DAVE : WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, THEN?

Well, nothing. What can you do? Sure, you don't want to fuck the guy, which you guess is sort of a point towards his heterosexuality, but while you're not interested in sex, he is and you're not enough of a douche to date someone like that.

Wow, that made very little sense.

TL;DR : there's no way any sort of romantic relationship would work between you and Egbert, end of story, moving on.

===> DAVE : MOVE ON AND BE JOHN

You are now John and you are also having thoughts along the same lines as Dave. But you don't know that. That Dave is having the same sort of thoughts as you, that is.

===> JOHN : SO WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS

You are pondering the meaning behind your snuggles with Dave. That was definitely a little weird how you just kinda... crawled in bed with him. He was all shivery and it was your fault since you dragged him out for midnight snowmen, and those were your only thoughts on the matter. You just kind of... did it.

And somehow it wasn't awkward. Like, at all. You spooned your best bro and it was fine. Totally fine. 

And really comfy, if you're honest. Dave fits against you pretty well, even when he's the big spoon. And you just really like cuddling, okay? You used to cuddle with your cousins a lot when you were younger. Even now, you and Jade just flop all over each other. It's nothing sexual with her. Or with Dave. It's totally platonic.

Completely.

Yup.

===> NOW THAT THAT'S ALL CLEARED UP

Let's have some time pass!

===> JOHN : SHAKE OUT YOUR UMBRELLA

Phew, it's really coming down out there, isn't it? You hope it dies down before Dave's class is out, 'cause he totally forgot his umbrella. Again. It's sitting over there in the corner in all it's ironic, frilly pink goodness. You laughed so hard when he dug it out of his bag because it's just _so bad_ (and you secretly laugh every time he does remember to grab it, because those are always the days it doesn't rain). You lean your umbrella against the wall, next to Dave's and push the door to your room open.

And there's Dave. And also Dave's boob.

===> WAIT WHAT?

Let's recap.

Dave's supposed to be in class. You opened the door to your shared room without knocking since, you know, you kinda weren't expecting him here.

He, apparently, wasn't expecting you here either, since he's stripped down to just his boxers. He has a towel on his head and he is also mostly facing away from you.

Also-also, sideboob.

===> JOHN : 'OAISDHG'ASD

"SORRY!" You shout, turning away fast enough to give you whiplash, simultaneously slapping your hands to cover your face, as if _that_ would change the fact that you just saw your best bro in all his naked transy glory.

Oh god, this is so awkward.

===> JOHN : BE SOMEONE A LITTLE LESS AWKWARD

Welp, good luck with that, since the only other person in the room is quite possibly _more_ awkward than Egbert. Imagine that.

===> BE DAVE ANYWAYS

Okay, yeah. Let's do that. You are now Dave and you are now also clad only in your boxers and shades. And also-also, you're reasonably sure John's flipping out because he saw your tits.

Well damn.

You drape your towel across your shoulders, hair mostly dry (and your tits now conveniently covered). You are Dave fucking Strider and you will not flip your shit. The 'sup you force out sounds only _slightly_ like, well, like someone who doesn't have your level of cool.

Anyways.

"I'm sorry, Dave, I didn't think you'd be in here, I swear I didn't see anything, I mean, okay, I saw a little, but no nipples, I think, so it doesn't really count?" John pauses in his frantic apologies for half a heartbeat before popping out with, "Wow, you must have really teeny nipples," before promptly slamming his face back into his hands with a wordless noise of despair punctuated with another loud, "SORRY!"

You can help but laugh at that as you turn to face him (or rather, his back). "Dude," you say, as you tug on the ends of your towel with all the suave casualness befitting someone of your level of COOL, "No big deal. Shit happens."

John whines, "Still! I shoulda knocked or _something_!"

You roll your eyes, "And I coulda actually shut the door. Chill the fuck out already; it's fine." His neck is so fucking red. It's pretty funny.

"But I saw your _boobs_ Dave!"

"Jeeze, what are you, four?" you snicker, "Or were all your nerdy conquests of the ladies just stories?"

"No!" he whirls around to face you, and you're not sure how his face can be so red without him passing out. You grin at him and pick the tee shirt you had dumped on your bed this morning. "What are you doing here, anyway?" he asks as you turn your back on him again, dropping the towel on the floor and pulling the shirt over your head in it's place.

"Class got cancelled," you reply, "And I'm naked 'cause it's wet as balls out there, in case you hadn't noticed, and I had the utterly wonderful experience of being soaked through to the god damned bones on my mad dash from building to building like I was god damned Solid Snake. Except without the box cover."

He snickers at that, flopping onto your bed. You join him, plopping your ass between him and the wall with your legs flung across his stomach.

===> BE JOHN

Dave digs his book out from.. where ever he keeps it. Between the mattress and the wall? He thumbs it open and just like that, the awkwardness is gone.

How does he do that?

===> JOHN : BE YOUR FUTURE SELF

You can't be future John right now. He's sleeping.

===> JOHN : WAKE UP

Oh god, you had the _weirdest_ dream. And you're pretty sure it could be considered a wet dream? Even though that was _so_ not something you would ever think to get off.

It was..

Weird.

===> WELL, WHAT WAS IT ABOUT?

Dave. It was about Dave. You're pretty sure it's because you kind of accidentally saw him topless today and you're still pretty much a teenager and he's _cute_ and thinking that is pretty weird in and of itself.

But the _really_ weird part is that he still had a penis! Or, rather, gained a penis?

Basically, you had a really awkward futa dream about your best bro and that is just not cool at _all_ subconscious, seriously.

And the worst part is you kind of have a boner from it and you're totally snuggling him and when he's asleep he doesn't have his guard up so his face is all sweet and you can kind of see cleavage of sorts where his shirt got stuck between his boobs when he crossed his arms over his chest and that train of thought is REALLY NOT HELPING, THANKS BRAIN.

Oh god, what are you going to do?

===> JOHN : TAKE CARE OF YOUR LITTLE PROBLEM

Oh god, no! Okay, sure, you could probably sneak away to the bathroom -- you're on the outside of the bed tonight -- but it would still be really wierd. You'd be jerking off to thoughts of your best friend. Your best _guy_ friend! You know that everybody has homosexual thoughts at some point, but this is _Dave_ you're thinking about. You don't care that he's a guy; you just don't want to creep on him!

Although you've sort of been staring at his tits since you woke up so.

Yeah.

You're not doing too good a job of not creeping on him.

Sigh.

===> JOHN : IGNORE YOUR LITTLE PROBLEM INSTEAD, THEN

You're trying! But, gosh, Dave's being really distracting! Or, um, really, your dick kind of keeps directing your eyes at Dave in inappropriate places. You've seen his sister and they're practically identical and she's very pretty -- oh, wow, she's probably really tall too, since all the pictures you've seen have had Dave too and she's a little taller and Dave's already a freaking giant -- anyways.

This is awkward. Really awkward.

And Dave makes it even worse by mumbling, "Jesus, Egbert, quit stabbing me already, fuck," against your jaw, nudging you with one limp-wristed fist, "I get that you're super gay for me but, dude, seriously. Roll over or something. I'mma have a bruise."

And all the blood that was in your dick rushes to your face as you sputter an apology and roll over. He paps your shoulder before snuggling against your back.

"Shit happens. You have a dick and that means occasionally jabbing people with boners in your sleep. It's whatever."

"It's still weird!" you protest.

"Dude, it's only awkward if you make it awkward. Shut up and go back to sleep."

So you shut up and will yourself back to sleep. You don't recall the dream in the morning. Whether that's because you don't remember or you don't _want_ to remember is a secret.

===> END CHAPTER


	9. NERDS

===> SPRING BREAK TIME

Spring break is boring; John rolls around bored on one coast and Dave does the same on the other and there's a lot of texting of bullshit back and forth. Lets move on.

===> MOVING ON

...

......

Apparently, moving on looks like a series of ellipsis.

===> DAVE : BE LATE

Your first day of spring quarter and you're running late, queue the toast-in-mouth anime cliche dash to class. You blame Egbert, you really do. The fucker doesn't have class today and you were far to comfortable snuggling with him for the first time in ages to get out of bed, thus starting off a chain of events culminating in your being damn near ten minutes late to your first class. Sorry Professor, I just couldn't be bothered to get here on time, 'cause I got this fine ass nerd back in my room with whom I just love to get my cuddles on; I'm sure you know how it goes.

You slide to a halt outside the door and peek in. You don't... see a teacher. Most of your classmates look pretty fucking bored too, mostly just chattering with each other. 

Huh.

Cool. 

You stride in like you own the place, a few hopefuls perking up like you're the one who's gonna start laying out the knowledge like a buffet of brains or some shit. One of the kids up front, a guy you've seen around campus, actually -- he's hard to miss, with his 'hawk and wheelchair -- was fucking around with a deck of cards when you walked in and, apparently, your copious amounts of swag causes him to fuck up and spray them _everywhere_. You have to skip back a couple of steps to avoid stepping on any of them.

"Uh, suh-sorry," he stutters out, starting to gather up the cards. You shrug and drop into a squat to help.

"Ain't no thang, bro." One of the cards you pick up actually looks pretty cool. It's just of some douche in a hood, standing there with a glowing hand like he's a total badass, but you can see the texture of the paint in places and that's pretty fucking neat in a trading card. You hold it up, drawing the card owner's attention. "This guy's pretty fuckin' spiffy, huh?"

"Oh, uh, yeah. That's, that's my Jace. One of my, uh, fuh-friends turned it into full, uh, full art for me. He's done, a lot of my cards," he snickers a little, one side of his mouth curling up into a lopsided grin, "and they're, uh, not always so cool. My, uh, my Mindsculpter, that's a, uh, another version of that guy thuh-there, has a, uh, mini skirt."

"Shit, really?" You smirk a little, handing the stack of cards you picked up back to him, "Bet he fuckin' rocks it, huh?"

He laughs a little louder as he takes the cards in one gloved hand. "Yeah, I, uh, I guess. Pretty, uh, glad I didn't let Gamz paint on the, the real card though. I, I, I could probably, uh, get a little more than usual for some of the cards he does, but, uh, Mindsculpter's going for suh-sixty? I think, and I, uh, don't really know anyone who wants him in a, uh, a mini skirt.

"You're an art major, huh?"

Kid has amazing segues. Must be a result of his sick ride.

"Yup. Dave motherfucking Strider, at your service." You hold out a fist, which he bunps with his like it's the most natural thing in the world for him. You almost think he has some cool kid potential.

"Tav-Tavros Nitram. I think you're, uh, you had classes with one of my fuh-friends."

You flop into the chair next to him, slouched down and sprawled out. Class shoulda started a good twenty minutes back, but the teach still hasn't showed.

"No shit, really?"

"Yeah, Nepeta. She's puh-pretty shy so, uh, I don't think you'd know her. But she's mentioned you and, and you're, uh, pretty recognizable. With the shades and stuff."

"True that. So, Tavbro, tell me 'bout this sicknasty game of yours."

He looks up at you, grin wide with honey brown eyes, and spins his chair around to face you better. You end up schooled in the art of Magic instead of math, the teacher apparently out sick.

===> TAVROS : SPAZ A LITTLE

Oh man. Oh man, oh man. You totally just got somebody interested in Magic. You are SO EXCITED. None of your usual group plays much, and you're a little too awkward to make friends at tournies, _and_ this guy's the epitome of awesome.

SO COOL.

===> DAVE : SPACE OUT

~~That's not your aspect!~~

Whatever the fuck this professor is rambling on about, it goes in one ear and out the other. You are completely absorbed in watching the chick with the cane across the room lick her teeth and sniff her phone. It's seriously a little freaky.

And another thing : who the hell sets up the desks in their classroom in a fucking U-shape at college level? Jesus Christ, if this was a normal room, you wouldn't be transfixed by the love child of Freakazoid and Daredevil over there.

Really, this is not cool. Her shark tooth grin and sharp cat eye sunglasses are turned your way and even though, swear to God, you're sure she's blind, the intensity of her stare is starting to wig you out.

You fly outta there like a bat from hell when the teacher dismisses you.

Outside, you run into Tavros, rolling through the halls behind some haughty blond bitch. He waves at you, changing course. He stops in front of you by popping into a wheelie.

Showoff.

"Uh, hey Dave."

You greet him with your usual, "Sup," and a fist bump. His leather clad knuckles meet yours in a display of TOTALLY WICKED FRIENDSHIP that would have ponies galloping around in a frenzy. The haughty bitch turns around with an impatient scowl, tapping her toes, arms crossed under her tits.

"Oh, uh, this, this is Vriska," Tavros gestures to her, then back to you, "and, this is Dave."

You tilt your chin up at her in greeting and she flicks you a half bored, half dismissive wave that screams BITCH. You catch the faded heart drawn on her palm with the name NIC CAGE smudged in the middle. If she notices the upward twitch of your lips, she doesn't show it.

The shark toothed chick from your class bounces out, tapping her cane like she's spelling out shit in Morse Code just to fuck with the mole people. Bitchface smirks at her with something bordering pleasant.

"Mm, cherries Vriska? You shouldn't have," Shark Mouth says to Bitch Face.

"That's Terezi," Tavros says to you, "We all, uh, play Dee-and-Dee together Thursday nights."

You really shouldn't be surprised at that, considering how enthusiastic the guy is about Magic cards, but you can't help but throw him the deadpan stare of _really?_

He's not versed well enough in your poker face to get the look. You shouldn't be surprised. After all, your _really?_ is just a half twitch and two degrees different from your standard face. He continues, "If you ever wanna, uh, you know, try it, we, uh, we're always happy to host."

You glance at Bitch Face. You have the feeling she wouldn't be exactly happy with you joining, or with anyone joining, really. You shrug in response to Tavros though.

"Eye-dee-kay, bro. Maybe."

"Uh, 'eye-dee-kay'? Really?"

"Dude," you say flatly, "All the cool kids are doing it."

And then Shark Mouth is all up in your face. "Cool kids, you say?" she drawls, "And you're one?"

"This is, uh, Dave. He's an, uh, art major. Like Nepeta."

Her eyes reflect red from the lenses of her glasses and her grin somehow manages to get even wider.

"Dave, huh?" 

The hair at the nape of your neck stands on end and you can feel the goosebumps stippling your skin. She _knows_. You don't know how, but she does and that makes you flip mental tables all over the place.

===> TEREZI : BE AMUSED

That is something you have no problem with. Tavros' _friend_ is very interesting, and the way they practically reeked of nervousness once you started speaking to them only served to make you want to inspect them more.

After all, it's not every day you come across a person of such ambiguity.

===> DAVE : LAMENT

You wouldn't go quite _that_ far, but you will subtly bemoan your unfortunate encounter of the not-passing kind.

"Dude, I keep attracting all these weirdos." You flop face first onto John's neatly made bed. You are received with silence. When you turn your face from the covers to face him, shades askew, you find him staring at you with a deadpan face your brother would be proud of. You raise an eyebrow.

He says, "Should I be jealous?" His voice is perfectly even.

You smirk. "Naw. You're the only weirdo I want, babe."

He grins back, shattering his poker face. "I feel so special."

"You should bro, you should. It's not often that a kid of your caliber is bestowed all this sicknasty Strider affection."

"Gee, thanks." The sarcasm is so thick in his voice, you'd need a chainsaw to cut through that shit. You're so proud. "What kind of weirdos? Should I be worried about your health?"

"Nerds," you moan as you roll over to dramatically swoon. John positively chokes on his laughter.

"Nerds?"

"Nerds. I learned how to play a children's card game today. From a guy who plays dee-in-dee."

"How unfortunate."

"I know, right? I learned all about _Planeswalkers_ , bro. That shit was traumatizing." It wasn't, really. You actually really dug a lot of the illustrations on the cards. "Three of these wierdos, and they all know each other. It was like the nerdiest display of the six degrees of speparation thing," you snort, "You woulda liked this one chick, Vrisker or something. She has as big a boner for Nic Cage as you."

He punches you in the thigh for that, laughing, "Dick."

===> DAVE : BE SOMEONE ELSE AND ALSO SLIGHTLY IN THE FUTURE

You are now future Karkat! You have no idea why.

===> KARKAT : WHAT'S UP?

Fucking ceiling, that's what. _What's up_ is such an idiotic phrase, partially because Dave uses the bastardization _sup_ fucking constantly. You think it's his only form of greeting.

Anyways, you just realized that somehow your fucking bag managed to eat Vriska's dice. You swear to god, they're all eight sides. How does a rogue even _need_ that many eight sides?

Ugh. You should probably return them.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] at [15:02] ! --

CG : WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE SO MANY EIGHT SIDES AND WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY IN MY BAG?  
AG : 8ecause 8ght is the 8est :::;)  
AG : and m88e also 8ecause you're a douche.  
AG : w8t, that looks stupid  
  
  
CG : THERE'S SOMETHING SO UNBELIEVABLY WRONG WITH YOU. WHY ARE YOU IN COLLEGE AROUND NORMAL PEOPLE?  
AG : like you????????  
CG : YES LIKE ME. YOU'RE THE PSYCHOTIC ONE.  
AG : hahahahahahahaha :::;)  
CG : WEIWEIWEI SUCK A DICK. I HAVE YOUR DICE AND I'D RATHER I DIDN'T. DO YOU WANT ME TO DROP THEM OFF OR NOT?  
AG : suuuuuuuure. i'm off class in a8out ten :::;)  
CG : STOP WINKING AT ME YOU CREEP.  
AG : ;;;;)  
CG : A'OUHGDAS'LHGQAEWG

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] at [15:04] ! --

[CG] has logged off ! --

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has logged on ! --

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] at [15:04] --

CG : WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO BE?  
AG : hahahahahahahaha  
AG : viking pro8ably :::;)

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] at [15:05] ! --

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has logged off ! --

===> KARKAT : GIVE A DISGRUNTLED SIGH

You do so, even going so far as to pinch the bridge of your nose in irritation. Why you even bother to deal with that bitch, you haven't a single iota of a fucking clue. Probably because Terezi finds her amusing and you had a bit of a thing with her back in high school. Terezi, not Vriska. John looks up from the coffee table where he's spread his homework.

"What's up?"

You groan, "Fucking douchebag friend." He tilts his head at that, raising an eyebrow to match the way his perpetual smile perks up. Why are all the guys you go for always straight? It's not fucking fair. You go on, "I've got something of hers. Fucking Vriska, I swear to god she does this on purpose."

He perks up a little more at her name."Oh!" he exclaims, "I think Dave was talking about her the other day. A Nic Cage fan?"

"Fucking shoot me, yes."

"Can I go with you then? I'd like to meet her. You know, there's no film club here this year?"

"What a pity." God damnit, John. While you may agree that it's total fucking balls that there is no club to appreciate the beauty of modern cinima, any film club Egbert is involved in is one you wouldn't even jab at with a ten foot fucking pole.

"I know, right! So is that a yes?" He's just too god damn cheerful. How the fuck can you say no?

"Yeah, whatever."

===> JOHN : GO WITH KARKAT TO MEET THIS VRISKA CHICK

Any fan of Nic Cage is a friend of yours! You ramble about your half baked plans to actually start up a for real film club here at Western. There have got to be _tons_ of movie buffs here. Karkat just rolls his eyes and looks suitably disgruntled. The two of you arrive at Viking Hall, where apparently he set to meet Vriska.

And wow, is that really her? She's just. Wow. And she likes Nic Cage? This girl is perfect!

She looks down at both of you -- she's pretty tall, though not as tall as Dave -- and smirks, "Why _hello_ there." She draws out the syllables in _hello_ like she's stretching taffy. You thrust out a hand at her.

"Uh, hi! I'm John, one of Karkat's roomies."

She flicks her blue eyes over to Karkat, raising both of her perfect blonde eyebrows at him for a split second before she returns her gaze to you and takes your hand. Her grip is firm as you shake and she introduces herself: "Vriska Serket, girl disaster."

She raises a hand to brush back some of her perfect, long blonde hair. The side of her hand is pink and puckered, all the way down her wrist into her sleeve, and the shift in her hair reveals similar scar tissue spiderwebbing across the side of her face. Karkat snorts next to you and mutters under his breath, "I'll say."

You're stunned a little speechless at how COOL she is. She might actually be able to match Dave and his bro on the AWESOME SCALE.

Karkat shoves a tin at her with a grunted, "Here," before spinning around and stalking off. You grin at Vriska, giving her a wave and a, "Nice to meet you, I'll have Karkles give you my pesterchum!" before jogging after your roommate. For being such a short guy, he sure can move.

When you catch up to him, the first thing that pops out of your mouth is, "Boy, she sure is pretty!"

===> JOHN : BE KARKAT

You are now Karkat again, and fucking Christ, why does this always happen to you? First Sollux with Aradia, now John with _Vriska_. God _damn_.

"She's a bitch," you assure him, "Don't even go there."

He just laughs your warning off; "I'm a big boy, Karkat. I can take care of myself."

===> KARKAT : BE PESTERED

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at [15:32] ! --

AG : he's a cutie, 8n't he?  
AG : i see why you w8nted him :::;)  
CG: STAY AWAY FROM HIM, YOU CORROSIVE SLUDGE MASQUERADING AS A WOMAN. HE'S A SWEET KID.  
AG : all the more fun :::;)  
  
AG : for you, karkles :::;)  
AG : 8ut if he m8kes the first move........  
AG : i will 8t him up :::;)  
AG : he did say i could h8ve his pesterchum though :::;)  
CG : FUCKING CHRIST, THAT BOY HAS NO BRAINS. ECTOBIOLOGIST. NOW KINDLY FUCK OFF.  
AG : hehehehehehehehe.

[CG] has ceased pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] at [15:35] ! --

===> END CHAPTER

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a couple of things; The card game Tav is playing is Magic : The Gathering, specifically in the EDH format because I'm biased and Standard is boring. Also the "weiweiwei" thing Karkat does is a League of Legends reference. It's like, the Brazilian equivalent of "hahahahah", and it comes up a lot in PVP matches because I guess people give Mordekaiser summoners shit and Brasilian LoLers REALLY LIKE Mordekaiser, so they laugh and say Mordekaiser is the shit. Idk, I don't play PVP so this is all second hand knowledge.


	10. HIPS DON'T LIE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick warning for Vriska being a 8itch, which, hello, Vriska, but covering my ass just in case of wank. Also, both pictures used here were taken by yours truly. ~~Also this chapter seems to really want to be blue. I give up on trying to fix it OTL~~ Wait no, I lied. Never mind.

===> DAVE : NOTICE SOMETHING

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at [18:17] ! --

TG : oh shit i found your glasses egbert  
TG : how the hell did you manage to loose them halfway across the campus  
TG : i thought they were on your desk when i left  
EB : dave, what the hell are you talking about?  
TG : \-- turntechGodhead [TG] has sent you a picture ! -- [accept](http://) // [decline](http://) \--  
EB : \-- you have accepted a file from turntechGodhead [TG] ! --  
EB : \-- [open file](http://i50.photobucket.com/albums/f338/uke_mochi/0303021740.jpg) \--  
EB : ... dude.  
EB : you're weird.  
TG : but theyre totes your glasses  
EB : lol, yeah. I guess they are. have you seen the teeth brick?  
TG : yeah its like six feet away from the glasses one  
EB : really?  
TG : no bro im lying to you the teeth brick is on a completely different campus  
TG : im at wacom  
EB : lol, dork :B  
TG : a dork with a class so later  
EB : k, later :B

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] has ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at [18:26] ! --

===> JOHN : GET DAVE BACK THE NEXT DAY 

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at [18:41] ! --

EB : dude, look! crows :B  
EB : \-- ectoBiologist [EB] has sent you a picture ! -- [accept](http://) // [decline](http://) \--  
TG : \-- you have accepted a file from ectoBiologist [EB] ! --  
TG : \-- [open file](http://i50.photobucket.com/albums/f338/uke_mochi/0303021754.jpg) \--  
TG : dude  
TG : remind me to teach you how to take pictures  
EB : rude! i know how to take pictures! you click the button :B  
TG : wow john im just gonna pretend you did not completly fucking blow me away with your level of picture taking ignorance  
EB : we can't all be artsy fartsy like you dave :B  
EB : and i get the job done. you can see the crow, can't you?  
TG : yeah but you remember the pic i send you yesterday  
TG : that shit had some fanfuckingtastic composition  
TG : gallery worthy bro  
TG : i will teach you how young padawan  
TG : where doing this man  
TG : where making this happen  
EB : haha, whatever you say, dave :B  
EB : it's my turn to ditch you for class to so later :B  
TG : totes

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] has ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at [18:50] ! --

===> DAY : BE THURSDAY

Sure! What happens Thursday?

===> THURSDAY : BE DND NIGHT

Alrigh! DnD even takes place in an apartment, aw yeah.

===> BE THE OWNER OF THAT APARTMENT?

Which one?

===> THE ONE THAT'S ALREADY BEEN INTRODUCED

You are now Tavros and you are also chilling in your apartment with your DnD group while you wait for Aradia to arrive. Bags of chips have been asembled, the cooler filled with ice so nobody has to get up, the dice and character sheets laid out for easy reference. You guys are set!

"So that Dave kid," Vriska says from across the table, "Pretty sure that's a girl."

Karkat snorts in the chair next to you and Terezi snickers in the chair between him and Vriska.

"No, pretty sure Dave's, uh, you know, a guy," you state, "Because, Dave is, most definately, a guy's name."

Karkat snorts again, shaking his head with a knowing smirk. Everybody turns to look at him, except for Gamzee, your roommate slash best friend slash super secret crush, who's staring at his beer bottle like it holds the answer to the universe. That is, the number 42. Which it most definately does not hold. At least, you're pretty sure it doesn't.

Anyways, Karkat raises his hands, palm out, and shrugs, "Not my division."

"There's _no_ way that kid is a guy. Not with that build," Vriska insists.

"I don't think his build, really, has much to do with it."

"There's just no _way_ a guy has hips like that, I'm just saying."

"Well, I didn't, you know, pay a whole lot of attention to his hips so I wouldn't, really, know. But, even if he's not, you know, entirely a guy, if he says he's a guy, he most probably is." Vriska narrows her eyes at you and you grimace, "It's not your, uh, business, anyway."

"Sounds like a choice motherfucker," Gamzee pipes in, "All up being both a bro and a lady bro at the same motherfuckin' time."

"He's interesting, I'll give him that," Karkat begrudingly agrees.

Vriska opens her mouth to continue the argument, but Nepeta bounces out of the bathroom and pounce-hugs her from behind just as Aradia walks in the door with a happy, post date glow.

===> JOHN : TELL DAVE WHAT YOU TALKED TO YOU DAD ABOUT

"So Dad's fine with your storing your stuff at our house for the summer," you tell him, propping your feet up on his thighs. He hums in acknowledgment, his gaze intent on his laptop's screen. Apparently Sollux got him hooked on that one game too. You can hear Karkat in the next room at his desktop, cursing colourfully every time he dies while Sollux cackles gleefully in turn. You'd think he'd be better at playing it than he is, considering he started back around Christmas.

"We should probably start packing," you continue, giving him a nudge with your toes. His mouth quirks up in a smirk and he calls out, "Base," to which Karkat yells back, "God _damnit_ , Strider, there are three fucking bots up here with me, you bug fucking douchewaffle, get back here with your fat tank ass before I fucking -- " he cuts off with a screech and a thump that's either him smacking his face against the desk or throwing his mouse again (three quick steps and the sound of fist hitting arm as Sollux practically chokes on his laughter tells you the latter).

Dave smirk has blossomed into a full fleged grin as he snarks back, "Sorry princess." You wiggle your toes against his leg with a grin of your own. It's a shame he doesn't smile often; he's got a really great one, full of character and even, white teeth, unlike yours, which still looks a little derpy even after years of orthodonty.

"And, uh, if you wanna come back early and chill for a bit, Dad's cool with that too."

He turns his amazing grin on you and butterflies flutter around your chest. He's _pretty_ okay? You've spent enough time around him to get a hang of the whole aestetically pleasing thing. And when he smiles like that, he kind of looks more like a girl. Which is probably why he doesn't do it that often.

Anyways, he says, "Yeah, I'd like that." And promptly goes back to killing things on his video game.

===> JOHN : BE FUTURE DAVE

You have stopped being current John and are now future Dave. You are now also packing up your stuff, which has somehow managed to scatter itself all across the suite. Seriously, you found your water colours in Sollux's and Karkat's room. You don't even _want_ to know how they wound up there. It takes you a surprisingly short time, however, to gather everything into boxes and stuff it all down in John's car. The two of you decided to head down tonight, since you're both already done with classes, and this way you don't have to listen to Karkat bitch about how you ditched him in League of Legends earlier.

John's car strains a little under the weight of your combined things, boxes and suitcases and bags of bedding filling up the trunk and most of the backseat, but cooperates well enough on the drive. You still feel like you should be thankful his house is pretty close and damn near a straight shot down the highway.

It's full on dark by the time you arrive, and the two of you decide to wait until the morning to unpack. Tonight, John decided, is purely for Mountain Dew and video games.

===> DAVE : KICK ASS AT SAID VIDEO GAMES

That is indeed what happens. John _was_ pleased to finally do this whole real-sleepover-thing, but he has since started throwing chips at you in frustration. You can't help that you're such a bamf.

It's staring to get light by the time the two of you pass out on the floor.

===> FAST FORWARD A COUPLE OF DAYS

You are still Dave, and it is now three days in the future. Your things from the dorm are stacked neatly in the Egbert garage, your favourite bits of bedding and all the other various things you'll be bringing back to New York shoved in a pair of suitcases down in John's car. You've spent every moment possible getting your platonic touchy-feelies on with your best bro before you're gone for the summer.

You're going to miss him.

===> THE DRIVE TO THE AIRPORT : BE UNEVENTFUL

That is indeed a thing. Mostly because the author can't think of anything to make it eventful.

Welp.

===> DAVE : BID YOUR FRIEND ADIEU

You go to give John your signature wave, but he does not take that shit. He tackles you, his glasses jabbing you in the neck, and lifts you up with the force of his hug. Shit, you might cry from all this guy love. You stumble away half a step when he finally lets you go.

John's grinning just as wide as usual as he says, "I'll see you later, Dave."

"Yup."

===> END CHAPTER


	11. STUPID SUMMER PESTERLOGS

===> JOHN : PESTER KARKAT

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at [16:23] ! --

EB : karkat!

EB : i'm boooored :O

CG : AND I CARE WHY?

EB : because you're my friend?

CG : I STILL FAIL TO SEE WHY I SHOULD GIVE A SINGLE FUCK AS TO YOUR STATUS OF ENTERTAINMENT.

EB : lol well, probably because dave said you've done nothing but reblog stuff on tumblr since you got home :B

EB : i guess it's pretty embarrassing stuff, from what he said.

CG : THAT FUCKHOLE IS GATHERING BLACKMAIL ON ME? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

EB : i donno about blackmail, but he's definitely been laughing about it.

EB : i finally got him to do voice pesters!

CG : CONGRADUFUCKINGLATIONS, YOUR BUTT BUDDY IS NO LONGER AFRAID OF YOU KNOWING THAT GASP, HE'S A GIRL!

CG : YAAAAAAAY.

EB : dude, karkat, that's a really rude thing of you to say.

EB : there's nothing wrong with being trans.

CG : I KNOW. IT'S CALLED SARCASM, JOHN. LEARN IT.

CG : WHAT DO I CARE HOW SOMEONE ELSE CHOOSES TO IDENTIFY?

CG : WAIT, THAT'S RIGHT. I DON'T.

EB : gosh, somebody's in a bad mood :T

CG : I'VE BEEN STUCK COUNSELING GAMZEE. IT'S BEEN A FUCKING JOY.

EB : what's up with gamzee?

CG : TAV WENT ON VACATION AND NOW GAMZEE'S ACTING LIKE A LOVE SICK PUPPY. I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD I AM GOING TO MURDER MYSELF IF TAV DOESN'T COME BACK SOON.

CG : OR AT LEAST GET ON FUCKING LINE.

EB : that sucks.

CG : YOU'RE TELLING ME.

EB : so they're dating?

CG : WHAT, NO. GAMZEE'S A DENSE FUCKER. THERE'S NO WAY HE COULD MANAGE A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT GOING ON A MASSIVE, HEART BREAKING MASSACRE.

CG : AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON TAVROS.

CG : JESUS CHRIST, HE HAS NO SPINE.

CG : PRETTY MUCH LITERALLY. HE'D LET ANYONE HE DATES WALK ALL OVER HIM.

CG : APPARENTLY HIM AND VRISKA HAD A THING OVER THE INTERNET A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO AND SHE WOUND UP SWINDLING HIM OUT OF LIKE, THREE MIL IN ITEMS ON THIS ONE MMO.

CG : HE'S A LOT BETTER THAN HE USED TO BE, BUT HE'S STILL COMPLETELY DENSE WHEN IT COMES TO OTHER PEOPLES MOTIVES.

EB : sounds to me like they'd be pretty good for each other.

CG : WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF DATING ARE YOU INVOLVED WITH?

EB : hahah, the kind involving trial and error :B

EB : they might not work out but you never know until you try.

CG : NO. YOU KNOW.

CG : SOMETIMES IT'S PRETTY FUCKING OBVIOUS WHEN SOMETHING WON'T WORK OUT.

EB : you're talking about you and me, huh?

EB : karkat?

EB : i know you're still online. you just reblogged a scathing, all caps retort to a troll.

EB : at least, i guess it's scathing. i didn't actually read it.

EB : dave did though and he assures me that it is burntastic.

EB : not actually his words, but you get his meaning.

EB : i'm really sorry i can't return your feelings.

EB : you're awesome and and hilarious and your movie critique is top notch and you are legit one of my best friends.

EB : when you get married, i will totally be your bridesmaid. you don't even have to ask bro :B

CG : WHY THE FUCK AM I THE BRIDE IN YOUR FAKE GAY MARRIAGE SCENARIO?

EB : because i knew that'd get you to reply :B

EB : you're seriously okay with living together again, right?

EB : i would totally understand if you wanted to live with someone else instead.

CG : ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE HETEROSEXUAL?

EB : yeah? why?

CG : YOU'RE TREATING ME LIKE A HELPLESS, LOVESICK DAMSEL.

CG : CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF I AM NOT ACTUALLY AS USELESS AS I SEEM.

CG : SHOCKING, I KNOW. WHO WOULD HAVE EVER THOUGHT DEAR OLD KARKLES WOULD EVER PROVE TO BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF.

CG : CERTAINLY NOT YOU, THAT'S FOR SURE.

EB : lol, no need to get snippy.

CG : OH YES, BECAUSE I AM NEVER SNIPPY.

CG : ARE YOU SURE IT WAS I YOU LIVED WITH FOR THREE SEMESTERS?

EB : you're the one who ate ghost pepper ice cream :B

CG : JESUS DON'T FUCKING REMIND ME. THAT WAS AN ABSOLUTELY HORRIFIC EXPERIENCE AND IF YOU EVER DARE PULL A PRANK LIKE THAT ON ME AGAIN I WILL RIP OFF ALL YOUR TOENAILS AND USE THEM TO DISEMBOWEL YOU.

CG : AND THEN I WILL FEED YOU YOUR OWN ENTRAILS SOAKED IN HOT SAUCE.

CG : GALLONS OF HOT SAUCE.

EB : oh hey, vriska's pestering me.

CG : GOD DAMNIT JOHN, ARE YOU EVEN PAYING ATTENTION TO ME?

CG : ARE YOU READING THE WORDS I AM TYPING FOR YOU?

CG : ARE ANY OF THEM PENETRATING THAT THICK MEMBRANE OF MORON YOU HAVE WRAPPED AROUND YOUR SKULL?

CG : WOULD I BE BETTER OFF TALKING TO A BRICK WALL INSTEAD?

EB : lol, i don't think a brick wall would actually answer.

EB : anyways, my dad needs me so i'll talk to you in a bit.

CG : IS THAT CODE FOR YOU'RE GOING TO JACK OFF TO YOUR PETTY CONVERSATION WITH VRISKA?

EB : dude, gross, lol. i think you've been spending too much time around dave.

EB : but naw, my dad wants me to help him with dinner.

EB : bye!

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at [16:40] ! --

===> VRISKA : PESTER JOHN

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at [16:38] ! --

AG : joooooooohn!!!!!!!!

EB : hey vriska! sorry, can't talk long, my dad seriously just called for me.

EB : what's up?

AG : 8luh, this douche8ag i'm rping with is 8eing dumb >::::(

EB : lol, that sucks.

AG : you're telling me.

AG : 8luh.

EB : but yeah, gotta jet. I'll talk to you when i get back online though!

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] has ceased pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] at [16:40] ! --

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] has logged off ! --

===> SOLLUX : PESTER KARKAT

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at [16:45] ! --

TA : hey kk

CG : OH FUCK, POTENTIAL INTELLIGENT CONVERSATION.

TA : been 2tuck talkiing to eb?

CG : AND THE DOUCHEFUCK CALLED STRIDER HAS BEEN HARASSING MY INBOX ON ANON.

TA : 2ound2 fun

CG : YEAH NOT SO MUCH. I'M GOING TO FUCKING MURDER HIM WHEN WE GET BACK TO BHAM.

TA : heh

TA : wanna get out your frustratiion2 on helple22 miiniion2?

CG : AND BE YOUR CONSTANT SACRIFICE TO BOTS?

CG : SURE, WHY THE FUCK NOT. I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING PRODUCTIVE.

TA : awe2ome

TA : 2ee you iin 2umoner2 riift

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] has gone idle at [16:51] ! --

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at [16:51] ! --

===> JOHN : RETURN TO YOU COMPUTER AND PESTER YOUR FRIENDS MORE

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] has logged in ! --

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at [18:01] ! --

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] is an idle chum! --

EB : hey karkat, i'm back.

EB : did you miss me?

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] at [18:03] ! --

EB : back. 

EB : how's it going with your rogue rp buddy?

AG : faaaaaaaantastic >::::)

AG : his dum8 character was convien8ntly captured 8y the navy

AG : and the 8eautiful marquise has N8 ID8A where he's 8eing h8ld

AG : i do h8pe i can f8nd him

AG : NOT!!!!!!!!

EB : lol, wow, remind me to never betray you in a roleplay. i'd be sleeping with the fishes after.

AG : maaaaaaaay8e >:::;)

AG : is th8t an offer?

EB : naw, i'm not that great. too much science, not enough imagination, lol.

EB : what do you rp?

AG : you know

AG : the awesome stuff

AG : pir8tes and various other 8its of 8adassery

EB : sounds cool :B

AG : of course it is!!!!!!!!

AG : i'm the one who comes up with aaaaaaaall the ideas

EB : lol, of course you are.

\-- tenticalTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at [18:09] ! --

TT : Hello, John.

EB : oh, hey rose.

EB : it's been a while.

TT : That it has.

EB : what's up?

TT : Nothing terribly interesting on my end. How are you?

EB : lol, pretty good. it's been really weird not seeing dave and everybody all the time though.

TT : You miss my brother?

EB : yup. he's my best bro after all.

EB : speaking of dave, how come he's not online?

TT : He is currently on the roof with Dirk, participating in a "strife".

EB : hahah, the sword fighting thing? awesome.

EB : you should video record it or something. dave won't show me his sick moves.

TT : I would rather not. They are quite secretive about their practice.

EB : lol.

TT : I can hold my own against either of them just fine, but I would much rather not interrupt their man session unduley.

EB : wow, you can fight too?

TT : Of course. Dirk was quite enthusiastic about learning when we were younger. Of course, Dave and I, being the younger siblings, had to join as well.

EB : your whole family kicks serious ass! i'm jealous ;B

EB : *:B whoops

TT : Doesn't your cousin have his own television show?

EB : jake? yeah, i guess he does, lol.

EB : i don't watch it much. it's kind of dumb, really.

TT : My brother is quite a fan of it, actually.

EB : dave? really? wow ahaha.

TT : Dirk. Apologies for the lack of clarity. Dirk finds Mister English to be quite fetching.

EB : oh man, lol, really?

EB : XDDD

TT : It is quite amusing.

EB : he'd be really disappointed. jake's waaaaaaay derpy, even more so than me.

EB : and he's really short.

TT : Oh?

EB : i mean, i'm really short and i still tower of jake.

TT : How short are we talking?

EB : like, 5'4", 5'5"?

EB : i'm like, 5'8" and i'm a good couple of inches taller than him so..

EB : and you all are freaking giants.

EB : jake would need to stand on a chair just to make eye contact lol.

TT : That is quite a difference. He doesn't look that short on the telly.

EB : fancy camera angles, apparently. he makes everything look bigger than it really is, which makes for good tv, i guess, lol.

TT : Quite. I would be interested in seeing the two of them meet, if only for Dirk's reaction to the size of his object of infatuation.

EB : dude!

EB : that just gave me the best idea ever!

EB : you guys should come out for thanksgiving.

EB : dad always makes waaaay too much food for us and he likes dave.

EB : and both my cousins should be here this year too!

EB : jade's coming home from college and jake's doing a thing in egypt this fall instead of like, antartica like last year.

EB : you guys should come too!

TT : That is a wonderful offer, John. Thank you. I'm sure my family would quite enjoy that.

EB : awesome :B

EB : i'll ask dad about it later.

TT : Dave has finished with his practice, by the way. He should be online shortly.

TT : I'll leave you to your conversations with him.

EB : you don't have to.

TT : I'm afraid I must. I have a date with a lovely woman who does not much care to be left waiting.

EB : oh! have fun!

TT : I'm sure I will. I'll talk to you again, John.

EB : yup! later.

\-- tenticalTherapist [TT] has ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at [18:33] ! --

\-- tenticalTherapist [TT] has logged off ! --

===> DAVE : LOG ON

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has logged on ! --

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at [19:12] ! --

TG : yo

EB : dave! what too you so long?

EB : rose said you'd be online soon like, forever ago!

TG : dude calm your tits i took a shower

EB : bluuuh i waited for you for like, all day!

TG : yes because the two hours i spent away from the computer here in new york is totally comprable to an entire day on the west coast

EB : yup! you made me wait aaaaaaaaaall day.

EB : you jerk.

TG : you love me anyway bb

EB : yeah i guess :B

EB : so vriska's trying to convince to join her internet pirate crew.

EB : excuse me, pir8te, lol.

TG : john

TG : really

EB : yeah.

TG : i never took you for such a heartless criminal

TG : pirating is a federal offense you know

EB : pfft wrong pirate.

EB : but like you're one to talk, geeze.

EB : how much of your music have you actually bought?

TG : ill have you know i own an entire trunk of lps

EB : lol, you're a dork :B

TG : that may be so but youre a dweeb

TG : better watch out bro

TG : or else the sewer people will rise up and steal you away for their king

EB : loool okay then. whatever you say, dave.

EB : so how was your sword fight? you beat your brother?

TG : me beat that ass kicking machine

TG : yeah

TG : sure

EB : you okay?

TG : yeah fine

TG : got some pretty badass bruises

TG : think i almost broke dirks nose though

TG : he is the sasuke to my non moronic naruto bro

TG : the stereotypical hero to my monologue filled villainy

EB : can't really think of any good similes?

TG : not really

TG : whatevs

TG : point made its all good yo

EB : yeah, i guess.

EB : can't wait for you to come back :BBB

TG : dude dont give yourself an aneurism

EB : lol, yeah, that'd be bad.

EB : but seriously.

EB : two whole weeks without school :B

EB : i'll be able to show you all the cool shit around town.

EB : like the dodecahedron.

EB : it is like, the coolest thing ever.

TG : the dodechawhat

EB : cool things, dave, cool things :B

EB : you'll just have to wait and see :BB

TG : jesus its like bucktoothed-ception all up in here

TG : do you have to punctuate everything with that stupid emote

TG : question mark

EB : yup :BBB

EB : :BBBBBB

EB: ;B

EB : whoops *:B

TG : wow jesus

TG : is this some petty derptstic revenge of the nerds thing

TG : getting your dork on to knock the cool kid down a couple pegs

TG : its not my fault i have all this swag yo

TG : the big man up in the sky just had a whole lot of excess swag on the day of my conception

TG : then bam twins

TG : and the swag was doubled

TG : and then promptly funneled all into me

TG : ye verily

EB : looooooool dave you are such a dork.

TG : no egbert weve been over this

TG : you are the biggest dork

TG : it is you

EB : nope, i fully disagree.

EB : i may be the biggest dork, but only when i'm with you.

TG : aw man im touched

TG : truly flatterd bb

EB : as you should be, dave.

EB : as you should be.

===> JOHN : PESTER KARKAT A COUPLE WEEKS IN THE FUTURE

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at [10:22] ! --

EB : oh man i am so bored!

EB : it's already been ages since class let out and i've done everything there is to be done durring the summer!

EB : except hang out with dave but he doesn't fly back out here for a while yet.

CG : CONGRADULATIONS, YOU'RE BORED.

CG : AND I DO NOT GIVE A SINGLE FUCK.

EB : oh come on karkat!

EB : you're bored too, don't deny it!

CG : I'M JUST FUCKING GLAD THAT TAV IS BACK IN THIS TIMEZONE.

CG : I HAVEN'T THE FAINTEST FUCKING CLUE WHY I ADORE THAT DRUG ADDLED JUGGALO WHO HAS DUBBED HIMSELF MY BEST FRIEND, BUT I DO, AND JEGUS FUCK I AM GLAD I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO HIM WHINE ANYMORE.

CG : INSTEAD I GET TO LISTEN TO *YOU* WHINE.

CG : YAY ME.

EB : lol, you're a dork.

CG : NO I DO BELIEVE THAT TITLE BELONGS FIRMLY TO YOU.

EB : yeah, maybe. dave sure think's it does.

CG : *SIGH*

EB : ?

EB : what's up?

CG : THINGS.

CG : THINGS THAT YOU ARE SO UTTERLY AND COMPLETELY DENSE ABOUT, THERE ISN'T A SINGLE IOTA OF A REASON FOR ME TO TELL YOU ABOUT THEM.

EB : jeeze okay, lol.

EB : say you live in tacoma, right?

CG : UNFORTUNATELY.

EB : wanna hang out?

CG : YOU KNOW, WHY THE FUCK NOT.

EB : cool. i'll start driving.

CG : WHAT.

EB : i'll text you when i'm generally close.

CG : WHAT.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at [10:29] ! --

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] has logged off ! --

===> KARKAT : INQUIRE ABOUT WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at [10:30] ! --

CG : SO YOUR BOYFRIEND HAS, APPRENTLY, LEFT FOR A TWO HOUR DRIVE TO COME HARASS ME IN PERSON.

TG : sounds fun

TG : aint no booty call though

TG : you aint got no booty

CG : GEE THANKS. AND YES, WAY TO POINT OUT THE OBVIOUS.

TG : that you have no ass or that you aint getting any ass

CG : HE'S ALREADY PLANNED A "BOOTY CALL"

CG : OH FUCK YOU.

TG : naw thanks bro im ace

TG : now dish dude whos the lucky lady

CG : OH FUCK ME, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE OBSERVANT ONE.

CG : NEVER MIND. I AM NOT EVEN ABOUT MESS WITH THIS ROMCOM CLICHE. IT *ALWAYS* ENDS BADLY.

CG : EXCUSE ME WHILE I PROCEED TO BASH MY FACE AGAINST THE WALL AS I QUESTION *WHY* EXACTLY I CONTINUE TO PUT UP WITH ASSHOLES LIKE YOU.

CG : FUCKING CHRIST.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at [10:34] ! --

TG : wait what

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has logged off ! --

===> JOHN : INFORM KARKAT OF YOUR IMENENT ARIVAL 

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] has logged on ! --

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at [13:12] ! --

EB : so i set my location as the tacoma dome and i'm about ten minutes away from there. where should we actually meet?

CG : FUCKING CHRIST A LITTLE MORE WARNING WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE.

CG : STAY AT THE DOME. I'LL BE THERE IN TWENTY, PROVIDED THE GLORIOUS BUS SYSTEM THAT IS PEIRCE COUNTY TRANSIT DECIDES TO COOPERATE.

EB : sorry, bro! i will next time.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at [13:14] ! --

EB : and i'm happy to pick you up where ever you're at.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has logged off ! --

EB : damn.

===> DAVE : ASK JOHN WTF HE'S DOING, SINCE HE IS NOW ONLINE

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] has logged on ! --

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at [13:12] ! --

TG : so a little birdy tells me youre on a brodate with karkles

TG : im hurt man

TG : i thought that was our thing

TG : are you cheating on me john

TG : cmon egbert i thought what we had was special

TG : you broke my poor tender heart bro

TG : shattered it to pieces

TG : kicked up a breeze and whoop

TG : there it goes

TG : man youre ignoring me too

TG : im crying man

TG : sobbing into my matress

TG : alternatively my sisters cat

TG : whichever seems more pathetic

TG : probably the cat

TG : yup the cat

TG : youre turning me into a lonely cat tranny

TG : cats gonna be traumatized bro

TG : thanks bro

TG : now i know that its all these kitties who love me unconditionally

TG : i hope you can pay for muties pdsd therapy

TG : also i think karkles insinuated that were gay for each other

TG : either that your youre like boning my sister or something

TG : which isnt actually possible because shes a lesbo and youre like way the fuck far away

TG : or do you have a mistress you havent told me about

TG : someone who makes your kokoro go dokidoki

TG : i thought we had no secrets bro

TG : your secrets

TG : you need not withhold them from me

TG : you have my axe

EB : oh shit, dave! sorry, i was driving.

EB : also why do i have your axe?

TG : jesus finally

EB : omg dave you are such a dork.

EB : and why would you think karkat thinks we're gay for each other?

TG : hold on ill copypasta the choice bits

TG : TG : that you have no ass or that you aint getting any ass

TG : TG : now dish dude whos the lucky lady

TG : CG : OH FUCK ME, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE OBSERVANT ONE.

TG : CG : NEVER MIND. I AM NOT EVEN ABOUT MESS WITH THIS ROMCOM CLICHE. IT *ALWAYS* ENDS BADLY.

TG : im guessing that text barf roughly translates as "YOU GUYS ARE GAY FOR EACH OTHER BUT YOURE TOO DUMB TO REALIZE IT"

EB : lol, he watches way to many romcoms.

EB : it's not like two people can't be best bros without any romantic feelings popping up.

TG : yeah but other things pop up with you

TG : spoilers

TG : im referencing your dick

EB : OMG DAVE FUCK YOU OKAY GOSH!

EB : THAT WAS ONE TIME!

EB : AND I WAS SLEEPING!

===> QUICK BE SOMEONE ELSE IN THE NEARISH FUTURE!

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering terminallyCapricious [TC] at [13:20] ! --

CG : OH MY GOD.

CG : I CANNOT GET OVER HOW GAY MISTER JOHN "I'M NOT A HOMO" EGBERT IS FOR STRIDER.

CG : I DO NOT EVE HAVE WORDS FOR THIS.

CG : UGH IT'S DIGUSTING.

TC : sOmE MoThErFuCkErS AlL Up AnD GoTtA GeT ThEiR FeElS On wItH OtHeR MoThErFuCkErS WhO ArEn't aLwAyS WhAt tHeY'Re eXpEcTiNg.

CG : WELL IT'S FUCKING DUMB THAT HE'S ALL OH SORRY KARKAT I DON'T WANT TO SUCK ANY DICK BUT YOU'RE STILL TOTALLY GREAT LET'S JUST BE FRIENDS.

CG : EXCEPT HE TOTALLY WANTS IN STRIDER'S PANTS.

CG : YOU'D HAVE TO BE *BLIND* NOT TO SEE.

CG : AND IT'S FREAKING OBVIOUS THAT THEY LIKE EACH OTHER.

CG : OH GEE DAVE'S MY BEST FRIEND HE'S SUPER GREAT I'M GOING TO SHARE A BED WITH HIM LOL NO HOMO.

CG : STRIDER'S A LITTLE LESS OBVIOUS BUT IF YOU ACTUALLY PAY ATTENTION, JOHN IS LITERALLY THE ONLY PERSON HE ACTUALLY TOUCHES ON A REGULAR BASIS AND HE IS ALL FUCKING OVER HIM.

CG : IT'S DISGUSTING.

CG : AND THAT'S NOT EVEN MENTIONING HOW THE FUCKER COMES TO HANG WITH ME FOR A CHANGE AND HE'S ESSENTIALLY IGNORING ME IN FAVOUR OF TEXTING HIS BOYFRIEND.

CG : AND I JUST KNOW IT'S DAVE.

CG : HE HAS THIS LOOK OF...

CG : FUCK, LOVE. THE LOOK OF EVERY HEROINE IN EVER ROMCOM WHEN SHE GETS NOTICED BY THE GUY SHE LIKES.

CG : IT IS RIGHT THERE. ON HIS STUPID FACE.

CG : QAOSHDGDAHG[OISHEGA

TC : WoAh mAn, CaLm yOuR MiRaClE SeLf bRo. No NeEd tO WoRk uP InTo a mOtHeRfUcKiNg tIzZy. YoU GoT SoMeOnE OuT ThErE ReAdY To hEaP Up sOmE WiCkEd lOvE On yOu jUsT LiKe yOuR BrO.

TC : YoU JuSt gOtTa fInD HiM LiKe hE FoUnD HiS :o)

CG : YOU ARE SUCK A HIPPY FUCKER.

CG : OH FUCK ME HOW DO I WORD.

CG : YOU ARE *SUCH* A FUCKING HIPPY.

TC : YeAh mAn :O)

TC : NoW Go gEt yOuR ReLaX On :O) \-- terminallyCapricious [TC] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at [13:26] ! --

===> RETURN TO WHENCE YOU CAME

EB : OMG DAVE FUCK YOU OKAY GOSH!

EB : THAT WAS ONE TIME!

EB : AND I WAS SLEEPING!

TG : and you were poking me in the ass with your dick

TG : das pretty gay bro

EB : dfsaoghiagagoh you're an ass.

TG : hmm yep

TG : that i am

TG : even karkles noticed

TG : after all he refered to me as your booty call

EB : adfoahg i am just so confused by that.

EB : but yeah karkat's here so i'll talk to you later.

TG : yep

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at [13:31] ! --

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] has logged off ! --

===> BACK TO THE FUTURE

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] has logged in ! --

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at [19:02] --

TG : so how was your date bro

TG : everything you were hoping for

TG : dish yo

TG : give me all the deets

EB : yeah it was pretty cool.

EB : there was this pizza place he dragged me too that was freaking amazing.

EB : not quite as great as uncle peteza's, but still pretty awesome.

EB : you miss me? ;B

EB : *:B whoops

TG : naw bro you totes meant that wink

TG : i will take that wink and tuck it away

TG : gonna save that shit for a rainy day.

EB : .....

EB : wow, the lameness of your rhymes never ceases to amaze me.

TG : dude fuck you

TG : that was some classy shit right there

EB : lol.

EB : but yeah, it was pretty neat. i'll totally have to feed you some peteza's pizza though.

EB : it is the best fucking pizza, dave, you don't even know.

EB : ask jade. she's had both legit italian pizza and real brooklyn pizza and she still prefers pete's.

EB : that is how good it is.

TG : fuck no bro

TG : nothing can beat real fucking pizza

TG : that floppy dominos shit you got on the west coast

TG : pales in comparison

TG : shits its greasy metaphorical pizza pants at the meer thought of real pizza

TG : fucking blasphemey bro

TG : blasphomey

EB : yeah, yeah.

EB : don't knock it 'til you try it, okay?

EB : i promise, it's really good pizza.

EB : we can grab some and go camp out on the dodecahedron when you're over.

TG : sounds like a date bro

EB : but of course, sweetheart :B

TG : dude you are such a queer

EB : ahahahahaha whatever dave.

===> END CHAPTER

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Caught up with [tumblr](http://redux3.tumblr.com) and the end of the first part. And also the end of my backlog *cough* should be able to start posting new chapters in a couple of weeks, and it'll be worth the wait because there's smooches! And drawings! :D


	12. X2 SEXUALITY CRISIS COMBO

===> REDUX3

===> CHAPTER TWELVE : X2 SEXUALITY CRISIS COMBO

filler

===> JOHN : BE FLOPPED ON

You are not surprised. Ever since you crawled into bed with Dave after dragging him out to make snowmen that one time, he's gotten really affectionate with you. Not like, in a pervy way or anything. It's kind of weird since you've literally never seen him touch anyone else for an extended period of time, but it's also pretty cool that he's totally fine with you touching up on him. In a totally platonic fashion. Not in a pervy manner at all. Completely bromantic. That's all. At least the two of you are already up in your room. Your dad is cool with Dave and all, but you're pretty sure he still thinks you guys are getting it on.

ANYWAYS.

Dave barely takes the time to dump his bags before he drapes himself across you, shades skewed and jabbing you in the neck as he presses his face into the meat of your shoulder. He gives a dramatic sigh, limp noodle arms sticking out willy nilly behind you.

"Tough day at work, honey bunch?" you ask sweetly, patting his back.

"Naw, baby cakes. Just missed you is all."

You don't know why that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, but it does, and the way his breath ghosts across your collar bone makes your stomach do a pretty spectacular back flip. You wrap your arms around his shoulders, hugging him properly, fingers brushing across the short hair at the nape of his neck. "Missed you too," you reply, "Your shades are stabbing me, by the way."

The soft puff of his laughter against your neck as he pulls away gives you goosebumps. He rests his forehead against yours instead, his shades still a little crooked on his face. This close, you can see through the lenses. His eyes are closed, pale lashes fanning out against equally pale skin, and he has an adorably sweet little smile tilting his lips. 

He makes this tiny little questioning noise in the back of his throat when you cup his cheek, tilting his head back the smallest fraction. Your noses bump together just before you press your lips to his.

filler

===> DAVE : BE KISSED?

Yup, that is definitely a thing that is happening. You do, in fact, have John "Not Homosexual" Egbert attached to your lips. By his. Your lips are touching his in a way that is most definitely a kiss. A kiss that he started. A really soft, chaste kiss. That's also pretty nice.

filler

===> DAVE : KISS THE BOY

Okay, you can do that.

filler

===> JOHN : HOLY SHIT, IS HE KISSING YOU BACK?

He is indeed. Dave "Sex Is Gross, KTHNXBAI" Strider is totally kissing you back.

Awesome.

Sort of? You're not entirely sure what kisses mean to asexuals. For all you know, he could be kissing you like you're his bro. Which is totally not what you mean by your kissing. Even though you kind of don't really want to think about what exactly you mean by your kisses.

His hands slide across your neck, and he kisses you again in such a sweetly innocent way that makes you kind of feel a little guilty and, okay, yeah. This is probably definitely not a you're-like-a-brother-to-me kiss. Bros don't kiss more than once. You think. Not like you actually _have_ a brother, but. Yeah.

The two of you share maybe three more little kisses before he steps away, and the way his fingertips linger against your jaw makes you shiver.

He still has that tiny little smile on his lips when you manage to peel your eyes open. You bite your lip. You swallow hard. You sound really stupid when you go, "So, um," and promptly trail off because really, what are you supposed to say after you kiss your best dude-friend?

But then Dave's smirking at you with his wet, freshly smooched lips as he snarks, "Hell of a welcome back, there, Egbert." Then he licks those lips, a miniscule touch of his tongue against them and very suddenly your pants feel far too tight.

You manage to sputter, "I'm gonna go grab some food, you want anything," without making a _complete_ fool out of yourself, even though you don't quite wait around for an answer.

Down in the kitchen you debate the merits of dropping a tray of ice down your pants.

filler

===> JOHN : BE YOUR NEXT-DAY SELF

You are now John one day in the future. You and Dave are chilling in your room, you at your desk and him curled up on your bed, a veritable pin cushion of various pens as he doodles. His shades have take up residence on top of his head, doubling as a hairband to keep his bangs out of his face, and his red eyes are intensely staring down at the sketchbook in his lap.

He is the poster boy for albinism. He lacks melanin so completely you can see the blue of his veins wriggling along the back of his hands. He's been talking about his family some, since you mentioned your idea on having a joint family Thanksgiving this year.

"Is everybody in your family really albino?" you ask, a little dumbfounded.

He shrugs, "Varying levels, yeah. Me and Rose are the worst, with the freaky eye thing. Dirk just lacks melanin in his hair, mostly, and Mom's as white as a funeral lily -- "

"Calla lily, I think."

He snorts and flicks his eyes up to yours, raising a pale eyebrow. You shrug, flushing a little.

"What, Jade was pretty big on botany a couple years ago."

He shakes his head, "Yeah, whatever, man. If you say so."

"You know Dave," you muse, stroking your chin like an evil genius, "The red eye thing is really rare..." he hums and nods; "And so's a set of identical twins."

"And?"

"And your mom's like, the premiere genetic researcher."

He rolls his eyes and laughs, "Yeah, I know all about the science boner you have for my Mom's research. What's your point?"

"Dave," you ask seriously, narrowing your eyes at him, "Are you genetically engineered?"

He snorts again, sputtering into a full out laugh. "What ever gave you that idea?"

"Dude, it totally makes sense!" You jump him then, stealing away his sketchbook. He squawks and squirms as you attempt to grab a handful of the bottom of his shirt, positively shrieking with laughter when you run into a ticklish spot. Which you continue to tickle until he starts kicking at you. "Your belly, man, just let me see your belly!"

"No way -- " a gasp and a snort, " -- you freak, get off me."

You catch hold of his shirt with a grin of triumph and lift it as he arches away from you. He most definitely has a navel. And also boobs.

You're sort of frozen staring at his chest, his flushed face half in your view behind the tent you're making with his shirt. He's panting and, and oh geeze his nipples are hard and absolutely tiny and all at once you realize you're staring down a mostly shirtless Dave from between his thighs.

"Yup," you say, voice strained as you very carefully pull his shirt back down, "You're normal." Then you hop up and trip over your feet in your haste to get to the door, "I'm gonna go see what Dad's making for dinner."

Dave's voice sounds a full three octaves higher than usual when he squeaks out, "Yeah," coughing before he continues in a more normal tone, "Sounds good."

You escape the room and oh gosh that was awkward, you really can't go downstairs like this. You duck into the bathroom across the hall, fully intending on sticking your head in a sink full of cold water. Instead, you end up nudging your crotch against the lip of the counter, gasping as you automatically grind against it.

Oh fuck.

Hormones, you tell yourself, it's just hormones. You're not that far out of puberty and seeing a pair of naked boobs is bound to get any normal guy hard. Even if they're the kind you don't normally go for. And it probably doesn't help that you haven't much had an opportunity to jerk off while at school. You haven't had sex for even longer -- not since before you graduated high school. And the last pair of tits you saw were, wow, Dave's actually.

Huh.

Well, then. It's not going away and you're probably not gonna get another chance to do this anytime soon. You fumble at your jeans, shoving them and your boxers halfway down your ass to grab hold of your cock. It doesn't take you long to set up a good rhythm, which is good 'cause you really should linger in here too long, and you firmly keep your mind from wandering. Just you and your dick and your hand on said dick. That's all. Yup.

~~Except Dave and his nice smile and his tiny boobs and his solid, athletic body writhing under you keeps coming to mind, oh god.~~

And ~~you remember the way he licked his lips after you kissed him silly, all cool confidence and unintentional sex appeal~~ then you come, oozing out over your knuckles.

Oh fuck, you think you just jerked off to your best friend.

filler

===> JOHN : TAKE SOME TIME TO PONDER YOUR FEELINGS

Feelings? What feelings?

Oh. Those feelings. The ones about Dave.

You really aren't sure. Those feelings are not really something you want to think about. They're not _bad_ , but they're not really something you're comfortable with either. Like, at all.

Except you really did like kissing Dave. His lips were kind of chapped, but really soft, and he was really _innocent_ , like he'd never been kissed before, and it was super fucking sweet.

And you kind of really want to molest the crap out of him. You want to _more_ than molest the crap out of him.

And that's kind of a problem, 'cause he's really not into that. You're not even sure if he's gay. And you're not gay. At least, you're pretty sure you're not gay. Does liking a guy who's also sort of a girl make you gay? It's not like he's got a dick.

Maybe you're just bi?

filler

===> JOHN : CONSULT AN EXPERT

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at [15:17] ! --

EB : jaaade!  


GG : joooohn!   


GG : what's up? :)  


EB : how'd you know you were bi?  


GG : oooh  


GG : are you having a crisis of sexuality? :O  


EB : no!  


EB : kind of...  


GG : lol  


GG : um well  


GG : i had crushes on boys and girls so  


GG : once i knew what bi was it was totally obvious  


EB : bluh.  


EB : that's no help DX  


GG : D: sorry  


GG : do you have a crush on a guy tho?  


EB : um..  


EB : yeah.  


EB : but it's complicated.  


GG : is he straight too? :O  


EB : he's....  


EB : bluh.  


EB : idk if ok to tell :T  


GG : :?  


GG : tell me what?  


EB : *siiiigh*  


EB : this is all so difficult D:  


GG : tellll meeee!  


GG : pllleeeaaaaaase?  


GG : pretty pretty please? :O  


EB : the guy i like is also sort of a girl?  


EB : if that makes sense.  


GG : huh?  


EB : he's um, trans.  


EB : so...  


EB : yeah.  


GG : ooooh that makes thing difficult!  


EB : you're telling me ;T  


EB : *:T  


GG : lol  


GG : uuuuum idk what to tell you john  


GG : sorry  


EB : it's ok.  


GG : if it's any consolation, nobody will think any less of you!  


EB : lol i know.  


EB : i'm just all...  


EB : bluuuuuuuh DX  


EB : idk :T  


EB : i don't want to like him for the wrong reasons, you know?  


EB : so i don't want to think that it's cool to like him because he's really a girl.  


EB : shouldn't his junk not matter?  


GG : hmmm  


GG : do you think you'd like this guy if he wasn't trans?  


EB : ....  


EB : idk :T  


EB : maybe?  


EB : you wouldn't think he had a girl body just by looking at him and he's really cool and stuff.  


EB : so I guess I would?  


EB : maybe?  


EB : bluuuuuuuuh DX  


EB : this is haaard!  


GG : lol  


GG : just do what you're heart tells you to?  


GG : it sounds like you like him for him so...  


EB : yeah :T  


GG : can i ask you a question now?  


EB : sure?  


GG : is it dave? :O  


EB : ........  


EB : what gave you that idea?  


GG : it so totally is isnt' it?  


GG : i didn't know he was trans!! :O  


EB : um i've got to go now  


GG : lol  


GG : you so like dave!  


\-- ectoBiologist [EB] has logged off ! --

GG : i'm gonna tell hiiiiiim!!  


EB : don't you dare!  


GG : nice offline status there coz ;D  


EB : bluuuuuuuuuh DX  


\-- ectoBiologist [EB] has logged on ! --

EB : you suck.

EB : but seriously, please don't tell him.  


EB : it's  


EB : i donno :T  


GG : lol, okay  


GG : i'll be nice :3  


GG : but you have to tell him sometime!  


GG : i bet you guys would be so cute together ;DDDD  


EB : you rabid yaoi fangirl, you.  


GG : oh gosh you figured me out X3  


EB : *DRAMATIC EYEROLL*  


GG : dork :B  


EB : yup :B  


GG : oh fuck it's midnight D:  


GG : gotta go DX  


EB : early class?  


GG : naw i've got an early hike bluh DX  


GG : can't wait to be hoooooooooome  


EB : sooooooon!  


EB : night :B  


GG : later :B  


\-- gardenGnostic [GG] has ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at [15:42] --

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] has logged off ! --

===> JOHN : CONSULT THE OTHER EXPERT

Bluh. You were really hoping Jade would be able to help.

Siiiiiigh.

filler

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tenticalTherapist [TT] at [15:55] ! --

EB : so um  


EB : i have a question.  


TT : Hello, John.  


TT : Do feel free to ask.  


EB : so  


EB : uh  


EB : i kissed dave.  


TT : That seems to be a statement rather than a question.  


EB : i know.  


EB : but i really don't know how to phrase the question without it totally being obvious that i'm asking about myself.  


TT : In regards to Dave, your kissing him, and your sexuality, I presume?  


EB : yeah.  


TT : Do you want to have sex with my brother?  


EB : um....  


EB : ......  


EB : yeah?  


TT : Is that a "Duh, yes, of course, who wouldn't?" sort of "yeah" or an "I'm not entirely sure if that's really how I feel" sort of "yeah"?  


EB : a little of both?]  


TT : I see.  


TT : Well.  


TT : I presume he kissed you back, as this is the first I've heard of such an event.  


EB : yeah.  


TT : It's not uncommon for asexuals to engage in, as Dave would term it "sloppy makeouts". I suggest you talk to him about your sexual interest, or, at the very least, inform him of your interest.  


EB : bluh.  


TT : You're a nice boy, John. A little dumb, but nice.  


TT : However, if you hurt my brother in any way, shape or form, I swear I will murder you in the most greusome, time consuming fashion I can think of.  


TT : That is, if Dirk doesn't get to you first.  


===> DAVE : WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH EGBERT?

He's staring at his screen like it's about to eat him.

filler

===> JOHN : PRETEND THAT THIS NEVER HAPPENED

Yeah. You're just going to do that. Not that you didn't enjoy what you did with Dave. You just don't want to deal with all these FEELINGS and their IMPLICATIONS. And the implications of your feeling's implications. You're just really confused and uncomfortable with this whole situation and the way it's messing with your head. You just want to...

You know, you're not quite sure what you want to do either.

So you're not going to think about it. You're just going to do it. Whatever it is.

But maybe later.

It's probably just a passing homo crush resulting from your lack of nookie. Yeah, that sounds about right. Besides, a passing homo crush won't endanger your life, expecially if you don't act on it!

filler

===> DAVE : PESTER YOUR SISTER

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tenticalTherapist [TT] at [17:12] ! --

TG : so johh kissed me  


TT : My, how to the point. Quite out of character for you.  


TG : do you feel that rumble lalonde  


TG : thats me rolling my eyes with such ferocity that the whole world quakes  


TG : you just caused me to throw another tsunami at japan  


TG : are you happy sister  


TG : are you  


TT : Entirely. I take it that your matter of factness is a result of "FEELINGS", all caps for your ironic benefit, that you do not understand?  


TG : i liked it  


TG : and before you break out the vibrator thats as blunt as i currently am   


TG : my phrasing things as such is an effort to save myself from the slimy tentacle clutches of your psychoanalysis as much as humanly possible  


TG : fuck all if i want to draw this bullshit out  


TT : Understandable.   


TT : Might I ask when this occurred?  


TG : what the kissing  


TT : Precisely.  


TG : like three days ago  


TT : And what made you decide to tell me now?  


TG : been over this i liked it  


TT : Liked it as in kissing him was enjoyable or liked it as in you suddenly wish to copulate?  


TT : Dave?  


TG : thinking  


TT : And you haven't used the past three days to think?  


TG : fuck off jesus  


TG : the former  


TT : So you are not interested in, as you might put it, sexing him up?  


TG : nop that shits nasty  


TT : Well then, I don't see what your dilemma is.  


TT : Dave, you do realize I can see that you're typing, correct?  


TG : god damn youre a pushy bitch  


TT : I'm afraid that's my motivation for everything involving you, dear brother, to be pushy and nosy and irritating until you give me the reaction I want.  


TT : You should know this already.  


TG : why do i even bother  


TT : Because I'm most likely the only one even close to comprehending your problems. Now tell me what's wrong, baby brother.  


TG : i am technically the older sibling so suck it  


TG : and let me type while youre at it  


TG : fuck  


TT : You're the one rising to the bait, Dave.  


TG : what if he wants to fuck me  


TT : Oh, I see. You haven't talked to him about this?  


TG : of course not me and him had this big ol discussion over dinner and everything  


TG : we decided to run away to mexico and elope  


TG : your invitation should arrive in the mail shortly darling sister  


TT : I take that as a no?  


TG : im just going to go hang myself with my dick harness  


TG : fucking christ why do i deal with you people  


TT : Because you love us.  


TG : ugh  


TT : Regardless, I can't presume to know John's feelings on the matter, so I'm afraid it's up to you to talk to him yourself about such things.  


TG : cant you just do your freaky mind read thing  


TT : You mean, build a hypothesis on his feelings regarding you and him in a sexual relationship based on what I understand of his personality and emotions?  


TG : yeah the freaky mind read thing  


TT : I'm sure you could guess at his feelings better than me, considering you've shared a his company, presumably, almost constantly since last summer.  


TG : that would require me to know what the fuck being horny is like  


TT : Not necessarily. It simply requires you know your friend.  


TG : im guessing he does  


TG : hence why im completely flipping my shit over here  


TT : Metaphorically, I assume. Can't risk ruining your cool kid reputation.  


TT : Yours is a logical conclusion. John is a young male with a healthy level of sexuality sharing a room with someone who is physically female. Have you slept with him?  


TT : Specifically, shared a bed with him while sleeping?  


TT : I take your silence as a yes.  


TG : he started it  


TT : He's not family, Dave. You may be unintentionally giving him mixed signals. I understand that it's hard not having access to the level of affection you're used to but that doesn't mean you should abuse your friendship with John.  


TG : hes had every opportunity to deny the snuggles and he hasnt  


TT : Is that so? How can you be sure?  


TG : because his dads ushered me off into solitary confinement via one of the guest rooms and he sneaks in like he's god damn batman  


TT : Well then, it does very much seem like he's interested.  


TT : Are you going to continue to share his bed?  


TG : idk man  


TG : he hasnt made any passes at me besides the whole im going to devour your face with mine thing  


TT : And you enjoy it.  


TG : no shit  


TT : Am I wrong to presume you have a crush on him, then?  


TG : he is the jellyfish to my dory  


TG : complete with the stinging backlash  


TT : I'm sure if you were to discuss your feelings with him, and his in turn, the two of you could come to a reasonable agreement for expanding your relationship.  


TG : yeah sure  


TG : because theres totally a middle ground between having sex and not having sex  


TT : It all depends on your personal limits. There may be acts that pique his interest that you'd be comfortable with participating in. There's more to having sex than penetration.  


TG : you say this as though you havent been spewing sex theories out of your mouth flap since we were in middle school  


TT : Some things beg reiterating.  


TG : consider this topic sufficiently reiterated  


TT : So you will discuss this with John?  


TG : nop  


\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has logged off! --

===> ROSE : COME TO A CONCLUSION

You are now Rose Lalonde and you have concluded that boys are stupid. Not that you haven't known this for years now, but your darling brother just serves to compound the thought.

You suppose observing how this situation pans out will, at the very least, be amusing.

filler

===> END CHAPTER


	13. ATTACK OF THE DERP TWINS

===> DAVE : WAKE UP

It's the first morning since you've been back at Casa De Egbert's where there hasn't been freshly made breakfast confectioneries when you and John finally shuffle downstairs sometime around noon. John informs you that his cousin's layover flight was delayed, his phone practically pressed against his nose as he squints to make out the message without his glasses. The two of you are forced to fend for yourself. 

You end up eating ice cream as John reheats last night's leftovers. You are so totally the pinnacle of adulthood.

A couple hours later, John jumps up excitedly at the sound of a car pulling into the drive. You only just manage to gain your feet yourself when he bursts through the door to the garage. His exit is quickly followed by loud shrieks and you decide it's probably safer to stay where you're at.

===> DAVE : BE WRONG

Yeah, being safe in the living room is totally not a thing that happens and terrifying, lift-you-off-your-feet hugs from people who are freaking tiny are. It seems to be something that runs in the Egbert family, result in you being swung around with your toes just barely grazing the carpet by someone with lots of hair and even more boob and all you can do is clutch at their shoulders and hope you're put down soon. And John, the asshole, is cackling, leaning heavily against the archway between the kitchen and the living room, completely ignoring you bro-kinesis filled with silent pleas for help.

When you are finally, _finally_ set back down, you stumble back a small number of steps and shove your shades back up your nose. "Jesus Christ, I know I'm famous and all but warn a guy when you're gonna go get your fangirl on and glomp 'im into the next fuckin' century, okay?" Although, considering your first in-real-life meeting with John, you really shouldn't have been surprised. This shit's like a sex swapped moment of deja vu.

She laughs, a big, wide sound to match her big, wide grin, and damn, she is a cutie. She'll be fun to draw in comparison to John; the same body language but with a drastically different body type.

"Sorry -- " you're sure she's not sorry at all, "I totally see why my cousin has kept you all to himself though. You're a cutie."

If this meeting had gone down over the 'net, you're sure that would have been phrased with a few exclamation marks and a number of winking emotes. As it is, you get a pair of neat, dark eyebrows waggling at you from somewhere around nipple height.

"I so totally did not keep Dave to myself, Jade, you dirty liar! You guys just don't really have anything in common!"

"Like you could know that!"

"He's been my best friend for like, ten years, so I think I would, jeeze."

You're swept up in another hug, caught _yet again_ off fucking guard, and you're going to murder John for laughing at the surprised squawk that sneaks out. And this girl, you fucking swear, barely comes up to your armpits so how the _hell_ is she lifting you so easily?

"I still maintain that you've been hiding him away, John, because you're an asshole."

And then John's dad tells Jade off for cursing and she sets you down once more with a sheepish apology aimed at him and holy fuck, you've never seen a familial relationship so drastically different from the one you share with your own siblings.

===> DAVE : CONTINUE TO BE HARASSED

Well, maybe not harassed. You are no longer being hauled around like you're a grossly oversized puppy. Cousin Jade is, in fact, upstairs unpacking and John is simply lounging on the couch next to you while you flip through the channels on tv to find something to mock.

"So what do you think of Jade?" he asks as you methodically make your way through each and every channel.

You shrug. "She's exactly like you, 'cept with huge fuckin' tits."

John snorts and gives your shoulder a shove. "Wow Dave, thanks."

"No prob, bro. Any time."

"But seriously, you don't mind her, right?"

"Yeah, dude, it'll be nice to snuggle up on that plush rack. Ladies always have the best cuddle power." You take a moment to raise an eyebrow at the over excited infomercial announcer before adding, "Except Rose. The brain to tit ratio is so off with my darling sister."

John snort; "Oh my god, Dave you are such a perv."

"Naw man, I just know what I like."

"And that would be my cousin's tits, especially compared to your sister's."

"What about tits?"

You can't help laughing hard enough to shake the entire fucking couch, despite it being mostly silent, as Jade plops down on the couch to your left while John flops back with a melodramatic groan.

"Does Dave like me better than you, John?" Jade asks, very nearly leaning over your lap to better waggle her eyebrows at your best bro.

John whines back, "Oh god, Jade, you suck. Shut up. He does not."

You are stuck between two tiny, adorable dorks who are literally arguing over whom you like best. Fuck yeah, your life is awesome.

===> BE FUTURE JOHN

Your cousin sucks. You love her dearly, but she sucks. It's been like, two hours since she and Dave met and he's already cuddled up against her. It took like, four whole months before you got to cuddle with him! You're not _jealous_ or anything, you just think it's really dumb! You have _never_ seen Dave so affectionate with anyone else, so it's weird! That's all! It's just grossly out of character for your best friend.

You kind of wonder if he's maybe _trying_ to make you jealous? Naw that can't be. It's not like Dave likes you back or anything. Not that you like Dave! In a romantic sense, at least. He _is_ your best friend and all and yeah, you sort of keep having these really awkward less-than-platonic feels for him too but that's just because he's hot and you're in need of a girlfriend.

Wait, you did not just call Dave hot.

Oh fuck, you did. You are so lucky that this is just internal monologue and not actually being said out loud because there is no way Dave OR Jade would let you live down calling Dave hot. You mean, objectively, he is, there's no denying it but --

Gosh this whole thing really got away from you, didn't it? Fuck.

Welp, why don't we come back in a couple of days.

===> JOHN : SHOW DAVE THE MOST AWESOME PLAYGROUND EVER

Oh fuck yes! Logan Park is only the most awesome park in the whole entire _world_ and Dave so has to see it.

And ironically play on it too, of course.

You aren't going to tell Dave where you're going; you're just going to stuff him in your car. In fact, he's sitting pretty unassuming over there, chilling out on your couch. You grin. This is going to be fun.

===> DAVE : BE KIDNAPPED

Oh god, what the actual fuck? Did John really just throw you over his shoulder? Are you seroiusly in the fireman hold?

Why yes, actually, that is indeed a thing.

Once more, what the actual fuck?

"Jesus fuck, dude?" You snap, clinging to John's back like you're a god damned spider monkey.

"Shoosh," he laughs at you, carrying you out the front door, "This will be awesome. Trust me."

You have a feeling this will be very bad. That feeling grows when he dumps you in the back seat of his car. You sit up and lunge at the door just as he goes to close it after you. You scowl at him through the glass; he sticks his tongue out at you. You roll your eyes and pop the handle to get out.

The door doesn't budge. You tug at the handle again. It still doesn't open.

The child lock is on. He put the child lock on.

That bastard.

===> DAVE : CRAWL UP TO THE FRONT SEAT

This car is fucking tiny and you're not quite sure if you'll fit, but you damn well will try.

You end up with your ass against the roof and both hands on the dash to keep you from face planting, one knee wedged between the seat on the center console and you are most definitely stuck. John is laughing at at you, doubled over against the open driver's door, and you conclude that he is an asshole and should go gargle a bag of dicks. The entire bag.

It takes an epic level of contortion and and even more awesomeness but you do actually manage to make it to the front seat. You buckle up, your pokerface plastered firmly in place as John continues his fit of giggles, sliding into the driver's seat next to you.

You grumble, "Yeah, laugh it up chucklefuck. Guess who's not gonna get snuggled tonight. Fucking dick."

Your grumbles only serve to make John laugh harder, his face against the steering wheel. "Oh my god, Dave, you are suck a dork!"

You give him a side-eyed glare.

===> JOHN : GET YOURSELF UNDER CONTROL

You manage that soon enough, backing out of your driveway with a grin. That was, without a doubt, the funniest thing you have ever seen Dave do. He is all limb and doesn't fit in your car terribly well to begin with. Him trying to crawl between the seats was like watching kitten trying to jump up onto a bed that's a little too tall, except exactly opposite. Because Dave was trying to maneuver in too small a space. 

Point is it, he failed epically at what he was trying to do and it was hilarious, and now he's pouting and okay. Your best friend is quite possibly the most adorable six-foot-something, gangly dude in oversized shades to ever exist. You kind of want to pinch his cheeks and coo at him, but you suppose you've laughed enough at his expense for the moment.

So you drive off, weaving through the back roads until you hit Canyon Park, through the light and up the hill. Dave raises one eyebrow at you as you pull into the parking lot.

"Dude, no offense to your taste or anything, but we've already done the whole ice cream parlor date thing, and that is totally not an ice cream parlor. That is a frozen yoghurt shop. If you've taken me out for frozen yoghurt, I am so breaking up with you."

"Naw, dude," you laugh, throwing your car in park in front of the building. You point to the door next to the yoghurt shop; "We're getting pizza."

Dave replies with just a deadpan stare, his one eyebrow still raised. You shrug.

"I told you we'd come here. It seriously is the best fucking thing you will ever put in your mouth." And a truer statement has never been uttered. Uncle Peteza's is the shit. Dave rolls his eyes, shaking his head ever so slightly. He may be skeptical now, but soon he will be a true believer.

You pop out of the car to go pick up your order, Dave trailing along after you. You recognize the guy behind the counter -- how can you not, he's like, eight feet tall -- as one of their main delivery drivers. He smiles at you -- you think you went to high school with his sister. You could be wrong but he seems to be a little more familiar with you than you are with him -- and you're pretty sure Dave is gawking. Finally, he knows how you feel.

Your order is passed on to you swiftly; you already paid when you called in earlier, and you are free to leave practically as soon as you arrive. And then it's off to Logan park while Dave bitches about his thighs getting sweaty from the pizza boxes in his lap.

===> JOHN : ARRIVE

You park, the lot empty -- it's almost dark and on a school night to boot -- and circle around to the passenger side of your car to liberate Dave from the sweaty clutches of hot pizza. He continues to bitch, peeling his jeans away from the twigs he calls legs with two fingers and a grimace. You just laugh as you lead the way from the parking lot to the park proper. It's pretty late in the day, and the middle of the week to boot, so you're really not surprised to see the playground deserted. The dodecahedron stands front and center in all it's twenty-sided glory. You wedge the pizza box into the rope matrix comprising the insides of the dodecahedron at shoulder height and start your wiggling climb towards the top.

You can't wait 'til Dave get's over here to join you. You have a bit of difficulty climbing to the top of the dodecahedron since you've got pretty wide shoulders, but Dave is all limb and while he's about as skinny as your average six year old, he's about three times as long. There's no way his fight to the top will be anything but _hilarious_.

===> DAVE : JOIN YOUR BRO

John's atop a monstrous spiderweb of rope and red lacquered pipe, stuffing his face with a slice of pizza as chill as can be. The thing looks fucking terrifying; you have no idea what asshole approved this as appropriate for children.

But then, shit's only fun if you're almost dying.

You scale the outside in no time flat, not even bothering to try and worm your way through the ropes like you saw John do. You're practically taller than this thing to start with. John scowls at you and mutters something suspiciously like, "Killjoy," under his breath. You give him a dead pan look; you are aware of his pranking ways. The he nudges the pizza box with the side of his shin; "Pizza. It calls to you Dave. Eat it."

You roll your eyes and pick up a slice. You are not nearly as particular about your pizza as you've lead John to believe. You're surprisingly fond of Little Caesar's greasy cardboard excuse for pizza; You were graced with too much monetary status. You should have been born trailer trash.

But the pizza? It's actually really fucking good. Like, John wasn't fucking kidding, this pizza takes the metaphorical cake. What you thought was plain cheese was naught but a lie, a layer of peperoni hidden just below the surface like the tastiest ninja ambush ever imagined.

You scarf down two more slices in short order. John laughs at you and you flip him the bird with greasy, sauce splattered hands. 

"Told you."

The other pizza is even better.

===> DAVE : FINISH THE DAMN PIZZA

Gladly. You almost feel sick from all the pizza you have ingested. This is quite possibly the best not-date ever. You're a good ten in the air, balanced on a collection of cleverly knotted ropes, and the veiw. Is of the rest of the park. Even with the sun setting behind you, casting the sky in pinks and reds that blur into indigo blue and highlighting the evergreens you face in gold, it's pretty simple. This is nothing like one of Karkat's romcoms.

But the park is quiet, the empty, almost dusk of a September school night, the air still warm from lingering traces of summer. You're actually comfortable in just your tee shirt and jeans, which is a little surprising. The two of you aren't talking, and the only real noise is the sound of the occasional car driving past.

It's nice, you ain't gonna lie.

John's next to you, sitting one rope higher so he's actually _taller_ than you for once, and you want to kiss him. Your stupid crush on him hasn't gone away, especially not after _he_ kissed _you_. It's really stupid. Really, really stupid.

You do it anyway.

He's not expecting you to mash your face against his and you might as well be a total fucking noob when it comes to actually initiating kisses because of how much you suck at it. He wobbles precariously on his perch, his hands slapping down on the metal bars for balance, causing the whole freaking playground to hum out vibrations. You pull away, stance wide as you stradle empty air, the soles of your chucks bending around the rope under your feet.

You shove your fingers into your pockets. "Sorry."

John shrugs and grins at you, the half grin with furrowed eyebrows he gives when he's worried or anxious, saying, "It's, uh, I mean, I don't -- " You guess you make a face at that, because he flails at you and jumps about three decibels when he continues with a hurried, "It's fine, it's fine! I just wasn't. You know. Expecting that and, uh. I guess, I really don't get _why_ you want to kiss me?"

Your heart is beating too fast, your chest tight with panic because now is when the love struck protagonist would passionately declare their feelings but the last time you dated someone whom you weren't paranoid just wanted in your pants was eighth fucking grade and so you can't even choke out a simple _I like you_ so instead you shrug and say, "Kissing doesn't have to be a sexual thing, bro. And I guess your face is pretty kissable."

"Gee thanks Dave. I suppose you're face is pretty kissable too." You give him a deadpan look, which makes him frown. "What? That is like, a direct quote from you. That is a thing you said, and you said it to me, you jerk. Besides you kind of suck at kissing."

He's pouting, intentionally being a jerkass and you can only assume it's because he has fuck all idea of what's going on too, which is kind of comforting. You have no idea how to reply to his dissing on your smooching skills, so you just say, "Fuck you too, bro."

But he just laughs at that, fidgeting with the rope he's sitting on and Jesus fucking Christ, it's like you've regressed back to like, thirteen.

"You could. Practice, if you want."

You whisper, "Okay," and lean in.

It's much better this time, John actually aware of your oncoming face, so everything goes pretty smoothly, and you really hope John doesn't notice how hard you're trying to keep your breathing even because you are still totally flipping right the fuck out. You like kissing him though, like the press of his lips against yours, like how he's hesitant and how only your lips are touching, nothing else. It's nice, you're not gonna lie.

You suck on his bottom lip a little. You don't know why; just sort of seemed like the right thing to do, and he sucks in a sharp breath. You back peddle, really fucking glad for your shades because they hide how your eyes are blown wide, and ask, "You okay?"

"Yeah, I just, uh." His breath smells like pizza and his eyes flick down. You follow his gaze, landing on his crotch where there's a suspicious lump in the front of his khaki shorts.

Oh.

"It's fine! It'll like, go away. Eventually. I mean. If you want to keep going, I can ignore it?"

You shrug, "Naw, it's cool. Sorry. For uh." You gesture at his crotch while back away.

"No! I should be the one sorry, jeeze. I mean, wow, a boner from just kissing, go me." He scowls at his crotch and you're pretty glad he's distracted because you are totally blushing.

"Karkat was right; we are so fucking gay for each other. He's going to be even more of an insufferable prick when he finds out."

John grimaces. "Yeah. We should like, not tell him."

"Yeah, no. Informing Karkles that I smooched your face on top of fucking playground equipment at sunset is not a thing that is going to happen."

"Oh my god, when you put it like that, I don't think he would even _believe_ us. That is just. Way too cliche. Holy shit."

You settle onto the bar opposite from him and snort, "Yeah. Too coincidental. You been planning this?"

"What no? I mean, the pizza and playground parts, yeah, but I was totally not expecting anything, like, untoward. You know I'm not that kind of girl, Dave." He has the audacity to bat his eyelashes at you and you can't help but bust out laughing.

"Holy fuck, you are a total flaming queerbag. No seriously. You shit rainbows and sparkles, don't you?"

"Oh my god, Dave, rude! You are such a jerkass!" But he's grinning brilliantly wide.

"Dude, John, the English called and it is my dutiful pleasure to relay to you that they want their fag back. Eye-dee-kay how you got it but it is theirs so give it back. No finders-keepers bro."

John doesn't even have a reply to that, partially due to how hard he's laughing. He's actually doubled over in laughter; you've never before seen that happen, and fuck, you're sort of overwhelmed by all your FEELS for this guy again. This shit is going to end up totally problematic.

But then he's gesturing you back over, flushed and grinning and a little out of breath, and when you get there he tugs your face to his, whispering, "You're dork, Dave," before he kisses you, except it's a little less kissing and a little more grinning like total morons into each other's mouths.

===> END CHAPTER

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uncle Peteza's is totes real. And delicious. If you're ever in the north Seattle area, google it. (The other pizza mentioned is the Meatza. It is a carnivore's wet dream).


	14. HOW DO I LIVE WITHOUT YOU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh gosh, lots of notes to start this off. Because DAVE MUSIC HOLY SHIT. Excuse me while I spazz out a little. So uh. A bit of a lecture. I'm biased so personal headcanon is that Dave mixes happy hardcore (aiosdhfas all my DJs are local Seattle DJs IT IS SO HARD TO FIND THEM ON YOUTUBE GOSH. Check out [Bouncy](http://www.youtube.com/user/djbouncy/videos?flow=grid&view=0) though; he's badass though I don't actually have any of the tracks he has on youtube oAo) with a bit of [this](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYhCdyh5DjM) for flavour, and the songs Dave samples in this chapter are [Dealer](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hvz2_Smxm1Y) by S3RL and [How Do I Live Without You](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Olo8gzgpC4) by LeAnn Rimes. I am very sad that I haven't found someone to mix this for me oAo
> 
> Unrelatedly, Redux3's [tumblr](http://redux3.tumblr.com) is still a thing that exists, and tends to be updated first, so.

===> DAVE : DRIVE

Actually, you aren't, since your car is on the opposite side of the country. You will have to settle for riding shotgun in John's shitty little Nissan. That doesn't mean you won't commandeer control of the radio though. You've spent more than enough time listening to John's music over the last couple of weeks. You will stand for it no longer. You swap out his ipod for yours.

He makes a distressed noise, but you waited until he hit the on ramp for I-5, effectively rendering him unable to properly protest. You hover between playlists, hesitating over what you'll pick. In the end, you settle on one of your hour long mixes. The car is filled with with the fuzzy _zthiip zthiip zthiip_ of a record played through that starts this track before the wobbling base builds then drops, exploding into kawaii desu happy hardcore. Sticky sweet lyrics cooed by bubblegum soprano skim along the heavy beat, skipping along with the synthesized scratches, _kiss, kiss me baby, like sunshine and honey_ and you know there's a list of hard shit, the words for the drugs warped beyond recognition, built into the base line, and _I'm you're pill provider; get that shit inside ya_ buzzes over the sugar pop kandi kid anthem. 

John can't contain his giggles. "Dude, Dave, you listen to the girliest music."

You hold up a finger, cocking an eyebrow. "Just wait, bro. I got something special for ya in this track."

It's about twenty minutes into the track that John concedes that, yeah, this is pretty good music, even if it's making his ears bleed rainbows. You dutifully remind him that he's spent a large amount of time kissing you since you rolled back into town. He promptly shut up.

About ten minutes after that, the base peters out, leaving the tinkling of a toy piano's ivories to plink out the melody, before your bubble pop kandi girl comes back in; _How do I live without you / I want to know / How do I breathe without you / If you ever go?_ and then the bass drops again, sample lyrics warped and bounced to the beat and John groans and smacks his head against the back of his seat. You grin; It gets better. This is where the call back from earlier samples starts rolling in, a duet between your rainbow sweetheart and whomever the fuck S3RL samples for his lyrics.

 _I'm your pill provider_ layered over _how do I live without you_ ; _Cocaine, ecstasy, dope, crack and GHB, how do I live without you_ ; _Ice, speed, ketamine, nitrous and heroin, how do I breath without you_ ; _mescaline, DMT, mushrooms and LSD, how do I, how, how do I_.

"You have completely corrupted my childhood."

"I'm not sorry at all."

"You are totally a jerk and I have no idea how you managed to find something this horrifically perfect. It's like a train wreck and I hate you."

You snort, "Find it? Fuck that bro. A Strider makes his train wreck mash ups. Unlike Betty Crocker, I do this shit from scratch."

John spares you a glance, blue eyes wide and impressed. "Wow, really?"

"Duh."

"Wow, you've gotten a lot better since the last time you force fed me your stuff."

"Gee, thanks asshole."

"No really! This is actually good! And we were like, fifteen the last time so it is totally excuseable that your techno sounded like a Linkin Park ripoff."

"Ouch, bro. I am hurt. Linkin Park? Really?"

He cackles, "Yeah man. That is exactly what your old stuff sounds like. I mean, it wasn't _bad_ but I never really got into the whole angsty, must listen to Linkin Park on full blast in my headphones deal."

"Yeah, because you're a freak."

"Fuck you too, Dave," you hear the smile in his voice as you scowl at his dash, "And you've actually got lyrics in your music now! That's pretty cool, even if that is totally not LeAnn Rimes singing in that part."

"Yeah, couldn't find a good sample."

He looks over at you, pulling his gaze from the road for just a couple of seconds, and grins. Your heart flutters and damn him for kissing you. "Where'd you get it then?"

You shrug, "Recorded it."

"Woah, no shit, really?"

And this is why you waffled. The amusement that came with ruining the big theme from the shitastic movie your best bro loved all through early puberty with drugs does not outweigh the awkward of this conversation. You shrug again; "Yeah."

"Aw man, so this is you singing?"

You shrug again as you turn to look out the window. He nudges you with his elbow.

"C'mon Dave, don't be like that. You're really good. You sound super cute. It's sort of disgusting."

He's laughing at you and calling you cute and you would punch him if he wasn't driving. What a dick. Damn him for kissing you; no snuggles _or_ smooches for him. Thankfully, the track has migrated out of that particular section and John drops the subject. 

A good twenty minutes later, you're stuffing a twinkie into your mouth and you can tell John is watching you out of the corner of his eye. You lick the leftover stickiness off the tips of your fingers and John bites his lip.

"So what do ya wanna do about this whole," you gesture between the two of you, " _thing_?"

"I have no fucking clue." You've unintentionally caused his mood to do a full one-eighty; thrice damn him for fucking kissing you. He clicks the radio's volume down some. "What about you?"

"I'm cool with whatever, bro." He's biting his lip again, eyebrows furrowed, and you think you would rather talk about pretty much anything other than this. You're pretty sure he feels the same way. "D'ya wanna just, keep it quiet and go with the flow?"

You, honestly, don't give a shit who knows about your thing for John. Well, besides John, you guess. You mean, it's pretty obvious that you're into him -- you fucking kissed him and John's a total moron but he's not _that_ stupid -- but you've managed to skew things so it seems platonic. Which it's not, not exactly. You don't want to fuck him, but you're starting to think you want to date him, and you get the feeling he more than reciprocates.

And that scares the shit out of you. Dating someone who wants in your pants scares the _shit_ out of you. So you are entirely okay when he shrugs and mutters, "Yeah, sure."

And that's the end of the conversation.

===> DAVE : WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU AN ART MAJOR?

Fuck, this year is even worse than the last and it just fucking started. You totally just want to go home and stuff your loft full of snacks and your sister's cat and just never leave again. Ugh, you can't wait for Thanksgiving. Even the Egbert's guest room would be better. Because then you wouldn't have class.

But you suppose your campus apartment is pretty sweet. It's nice having an actual kitchen. And an actual living room. Even though it took you like, two weeks to find someone with a truck so you could get a couch.

(And the door to yours and John's room is kept firmly closed so that Karkat doesn't see how you've dumped one of the mattresses straight onto the floor.)

John's already taken up residence on your shared bed when you come home from your last class for the day, and you promptly flop down next to him. Karkat is forever insisting that the two of you don't have to spend all your time in here (which you don't. You picked up a totally sweet drafting table that you shoved into a corner of the living room. You are out there plenty) but in here you can get your snuggle on.

So you do. You plaster yourself against your best friend slash crush and watch him pour over his biology text.

"How was your day?" he asks you softly, turning the page in his textbook.

You shrug, "Not bad. Pretty sure the girl I was paired with in one of my classes is an aspie."

"A what?"

"Aspergers? Autism?"

"Ah. How'd you know?"

"Dirk. He's on the spectrum so I'm pretty used to it. We spent most of the afternoon info dumping about art supplies. Nice change of pace from the way my bro jizzes himself over screwdrivers."

He snickers, "Aw, man. You're cute when you talk about your brother, mister I'm an aloof douchebag."

You punch him in the ribs and snort. "You're a jerk."

He giggles into your hair and says, "Yeah, yeah. Your art class?" You hum affirmation. "You draw anything cool."

"Yeah, we were supposed to draw each other. Finally a teacher gets something other than your ugly mug."

"Asshole." He laughs the word and you'd kiss him if it didn't require you to move. You should kiss him anyway; it's been a while, but you're a chickenshit so you don't.

You disprove his statement of your being an asshole by returning pleasantries; "How was your day?"

"Boring. Thinking of participating in no-shave November. But I don't think my dad would approve of me with a face full of fur."

You give him a look over your shades. "Yeah, I don't think you could rock the whole facial hair thing."

He snorts; "Jerk."

"Yeah, yeah. So, I finally figured out who your cousin reminds me of."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah. I mean, besides you, of course. The two of you are like fuckin' identical; it's creepy, not gonna lie." John snickers. "Dude, seriously. It's weird. But that Bear Grylls wanna be who's all over Discovery right now? He and Jade are totes twinsies."

John makes a face, his torso shuddering, before he sputters into laughter. Big laughter. Obnoxious laughter. The kind of laughter where you can't breath, or, in this case, John can't breath. You frown at him while his face steadily turns red. He slaps his thigh and gasps, "Oh my god."

"Dude, what the fuck."

John keeps laughing. And laughing.

"What the hell is so hilarious about that?"

"Dude, Jake is my other cousin!"

"You're shitting me."

"No! It's totally true!"

"And he's going to be there for Thanksgiving."

"Yup!"

"My bro has a crush on him."

"I know! Rose told me! That's what started the whole joint family Thanksgiving thing."

"You are a devious asshole."

"I know!"

===> DAVE : BE YOUR LATER SELF

You want to touch John's dick.

You're cuddled up to him, as is pretty normal, head on his shoulder while he watches some stupid Youtube video on his phone (despite his laptop being, you know, two feet away). He's in just his boxers, as has also become your norm, and you just really want to touch his dick. You're not interested in sex, not by a long shot, but you're curious. You've never really seen one up close and personal, let alone touched one, besides your own which hardly counts because it's rubber.

And it's right fucking _there_.

You wonder if it's squishy. It looks squishy. Or, at least, the bulge in John's shorts looks squishy.

John snort-laughs at the video he's watching, and you realize you've been very intently staring at your best bro's dick.

You are the biggest creeper, it is you.

But you still want to touch it. And Rose would give you all sorts of shit if she knew.

===> DAVE : GO WITH JOHN TO PICK UP YOUR FAMILY FROM THE AIRPORT

You're on your way to the airport, all the way from Bham, in John's shitty little car and it's like, two in the morning the night before Thanksgiving. You are still unsure if this weekend is going to be hilarious or awful, but John is totally psyched and his happiness is infectious.

You're practically bouncing when you climb into the backseat to settle between your sister and your mom, vacating the front seat for your taller, broader brother, and Mom leans forward to pat John on the cheek, slurring, "Thanks for the ride, honey."

John grins back over his shoulder as he pulls out from the loading bay, "Welcome, Dave's mom."

Dirk snorts in the front seat. Mom reaches over John's shoulder, offering her hand. "Roxy, sweetheart. It's a pleasure."

You facepalm as John awkwardly shakes her hand. "Dude, Mom, don't flirt with my friends."

"I'm not _flirting_ , Davey, I'm being _nice_."

"You are so totally flirting. Stop, it's gross, okay?"

"I'm not flirting! This is flirting!" And she comes after you, lips exaggeratedly pursed, and you squawk, falling back into Rose as you try to get away. You fail horrifically, and your mother plants a sloppy, wet smooch on your cheek. John's laughing in the driver's seat and you shove at his shoulder.

"Hey! No abusing the driver, Dave!"

"Shut up, John!"

"I didn't say anything!"

"Fuck you! Quit flirting with my mom!"

"I WASN'T! GOSH!"

Mom shooshes you, laughing, and Rose nudges you back into your seat proper as she grins. Both of them rest their heads on your shoulder once you're upright, Rose looping her arms around yours with a half hidden yawn. You continue to scowl, embarrassed by your family's antics. John glances back and grins. You flip him the bird.

"Fuck off, Striders get all the bitches."

John snickers as Mom snorts and pats your knee. "Missed you kiddo," she says.

===> JOHN : DIRECT TRAFFIC FOR SLEEPING

Wait, what does that even mean? Your no longer driving, and even if you were, you have no idea how to actually direct traffic. Although you suppose, now that you've pulled into your driveway with a car full of Dave's gorgeously albino family, you should probably figure out how, exactly, the sleeping arrangements should go. Everyone piles out of your car and you direct them in through the front door. Jake texted you earlier this evening to let you know he'd crash on Jade's floor tonight, so the guest room is free.

Inside, you're faced with a trio of people you barely know and you, rather than your dad, get to play host. Dave's no help either, having face planted onto the couch the moment he got here.

"So uh," you start, "Make yourself at home? Dad'll probably want to give you guys the full tour in the morning, since it's kind of, you know, really freaking late so I guess I'll just like, show you where to sleep?"

Dave calls, "Dibs," from his place on the couch, not moving an inch.

"I guess Dave and I will sleep down here, so that leaves my room, the guest room, and the bed in the den."

"Guest room," Dave's brother says, and you kind of wish he would put his sunglasses back on because he has this super creepy intense stare and you're reasonably sure he doesn't actually blink.

"I suppose I'm alright with your room, John, unless you and Dave would rather use it instead."

Dave makes a non-committal noise muffled by throw pillows and you shrug; "It'd be ungentlemanly to have a lady sleep on the couch."

Rose gives you a knowing smirk, and you're not sure if that's just how she smirks or if she actually _knows_ something. 

"Alright then," she says, then their mom goes, "Guess that leaves me with the den," and winks at you. You really hope she's not actually flirting with you because that would be really weird, especially since you've seen one of her kids basically naked ~~and also kissed him but that's besides the point~~.

"Uh, yeah. I'll show you that now I guess," you grin at her, sheepish ~~and awkward because you kissed her _kid_ on the _mouth_~~ ; this whole excellent host thing is so not your shtick. "Dave, be helpful and show your siblings upstairs, okay?"

He mumbles into the cushions, words that might have been "fuck off" or "fuck no", or something otherwise involving the word "fuck". You sigh and poke his leg where it's hanging over the arm of the couch.

"C'mon, don't be an ass. The pull out couch takes for ever to set up."

Dave sighs dramatically and rolls to the floor. You watch him climb the stairs, his siblings following, and all three are absolutely silent and ghostly as the fade into the dark hallway upstairs.

"I had such pretty babies," their mom murmurs happily, cheek in hand.

You snicker, "Yeah. I don't know how Dave doesn't have like, a fanclub or something."

"Maybe he does, and no one's thought to invite you." She smirks and you swear you're not actually blushing. Then she wraps an arm around yours and says, "Now show me to my room, handsome."

You sputter and blush harder and she cackles, loud enough to make you flinch. Her laughter only lasts for a couple of seconds, though, and you're a little amazed at how she's so different from all her kids.

She lets go of you once you hit the den, and you work quick on getting her set up, scooting your dad's desk back so there's room for the pull out bed. She whistles at you, long and low, and you think you might turn permanently red from embarrassment. The couch goes a little easier, in that your best friend's mom doesn't hit on you as you pull it out. Your dad had already stacked clean linens down here -- always prepared, your dad -- and you get the bed made in no time.

"Wow, hospital corners and everything, huh?"

"Uh, yeah?"

"Cute. Hope you've rubbed off on Davey. That poor boy couldn't properly make a bed if his life depended on it."

"Yeah," you chuckle. Dave is definitely not that great at cleaning, "I usually make the bed though, so it's not a big deal."

She hmms as you unfold the bed spread, tucking it in at the bottom with the sheets.

"It get's pretty chilly, so if you need another blanket, let me know. And, uh, there's a bathroom at the end of the hall. Dad's usually up pretty early, and he'll probably make breakfast so," your words peter off and you awkwardly shrug, "Is there anything I should tell him about like, eating habits?"

"Nobody's allergic to anything and honey, all Dave did when he was home over summer is whine about missing out on your dad's food. It'll be fine."

"Ah, uh, okay then," you step towards the door, scratching at the stubble growing in along your jaw awkwardly, "I guess I'll see you in the morning."

"John," she says, sounding actually sort of serious. You stop in the doorway. "Thank you for sticking with Dave after he came out to you. Having a friend who's never doubted him has been really important."

"No problem? I wasn't going to be a total dick to my best friend so," you shrug.

"Still, thanks."

"You're welcome, and uh, goodnight, Ms. Lalonde."

"I _told_ you, hon, call me Roxy."

"Right. Roxy. Night."

"Night kiddo."

===> JOHN : FLOP ON TOP OF DAVE

You can do this. Dave has returned to his post, taking up the entirety of the couch with his long limbs, though this time he's face up. You flop across his chest, one knee on the couch, your face pressed against his neck.

"Dude," you whine, "why didn't you warn me about how flirty your mom is? It's weird!"

"Well, it was your idea to have my family over for the freaking holiday."

"But nobody told me how much your mom would hit on me. Dude, she freaking _whistled_ at me. Like, I pushed back my dad's desk and she _whistled_! Your mom, Dave, _whistled_ at _me_!"

He snickers into your temple, "Think we've established that."

"No, dude, you don't understand. Not even any of the girl's I've actually dated have hit on me that hard. And! She thanked me for basically not being a raging douchebag to you! Like, what does that even mean?"

You can feel the vibration of his chuckle; "It means you're a decent human being and my mom likes you. Calm your tits."

"My tits are calm, Dave. The calmest."

Dave snickers again. "Dude, my bro is so going to flip out when he learns he's slept in the same bed as your cousin."

Wow Dave, great segue. "Jake? Yeah, your brother has a crush on him, right?"

"Yeah, how'd you know?"

"Rose told me. 'S what started the whole idea of you guys coming down for Thanksgiving. We went over this, remember?"

Dave laughs some more and gosh, you really like the sound of it.

"So my bro's thing for the next crocodile hunter is really what made you want us over? Thanks dude. Totes flattered here."

You grin against his jaw. "I totally would have invited you anyways."

"Yeah, sure. I am totally offended right now. You have offended me greatly."

"Shut up, Dave," you laugh, snuggling closer. He wraps his arms around your shoulders and this might be the gayest thing you've ever done. Besides, you know, kissing him. But that's besides the point. Your guy love just can't be beat; There's nothing gay about it in your eyes.

Okay no, that's a bit of a lie. Your amazing broship with Dave could totally be construed as really freaking gay, but you just can't help a good reference to Scrubs.

Dave shifts and you're jabbed in the chest with something hard and zipper shaped.

"Dude, are you still wearing your vest?"

"No shit. Public space, yo."

You prop yourself up on one elbow to stare him into submission with a deadpan look of _really_. He scowls back, his pink eyes matching your gaze. You frown harder at him and he gives in, glancing off to the side.

"I know," he says, shrugging, "It's just.."

"Yeah I know; you're an idiot who doesn't think things through," you snicker at him and he shoves your shoulder, "You're gonna wind up being a mountain of blankets anyway, so it's not like anyone will notice. Or, you know. Care." Your forehead bumps against his, noses touching. "Except maybe Jake. I don't know if anyone's told him, but he's kind of oblivious so he might not even realize you're trans."

"Wow, you sure know how to comfort a guy."

"Yeah shut up," you snicker, "I'm gonna go get some sleeping bags real quick."

You go to stand, but he pulls you right back, fingers looped in the collar of your shirt, to press a quick kiss against your lips. You probably end up with the doofiest grin on your face as you wander out to the garage, but Dave's face is practically glowing with how hard he's blushing, so you guess you're even.

He hasn't kissed you since the last time you were home.

===> END CHAPTER


	15. 2HOTT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO APPARENTLY THE CODING FOR THIS CHAPTER ENDED UP BORKED AND I DIDN'T NOTICE UNTIL LIKE JUST NOW?? A couple of paragraphs worth of content got eaten BUT IT'S FIXED NOW SO.

===> JOHN : WAKE UP

That is indeed what you are doing. At some point in the night, you ended up half out the sleeping bag you wrapped up in, and it's the morning chill that wakes you. You're betting Dad is going to make bacon, which is why it's chillier than usual down here. You scoot the rest of the way out of you sleeping bag, stand, and snag Dave's hoodie from the back of the couch on the way to the kitchen.

You were right. The back door is open and your dad stands at the counter, stirring cream into a trio of coffee mugs, and there is a literal slab of bacon sitting on the counter.

"Mornin' Dad," you say brightly, plopping into one of the chairs at the breakfast table. He shoots you a smile over his shoulder and pulls out another mug for you.

"Good morning, son. You're up early."

"Hmm, yeah. Cold," you chuckle, shrugging. You dad shakes his head, smile still in place, as he pours you a cup of coffee. He places the mug in front of you with a soft _tnk_ and you wrap your fingers around it's warmth. You wiggle your toes against the hem of your pjs and say, "Thanks."

There's a skittering of claws against the wood in the front hall and you brace yourself for impact. You manage to not spill your coffee when your cousins' dog shoves his head against your chest and you skritch his chin while Jake greets your dad and claims his own cup of coffee. He snickers and raises his fingers around his mug at you in greeting.

"Thanks, Uncle Jamie," Jake says as he pushes through the screen door. Bec pulls away from you a heartbeat later, obediently following Jake out the door.

"Don't forget the leash this time, Jake," your dad calls after him.

"Ah, bullocks." Jake leans back in, reaching over Bec to snag the leash chilling out next to the mail bin.

"And a coat."

"It's not that cold!"

You snicker at the deadpan glare Dad gives Jake, who scowls and gives in, tromping back into the house to grab his jacket from the hall closet. He makes a face at you and Dad on his way out that has you sniggering into your coffee.

"How was the drive, John?" your dad asks, pulling out pans for breakfast.

You shrug, "Not bad. Kinda surprised everyone fit in my car though. Everyone in Dave's family is like, super crazy tall. Think he's really happy to have them here though."

"That's good."

"And thanks for letting them come over."

"It'll be quite nice to have a full house for the holiday again."

There's a steady succession of thunks down the stairs and then Dave squawks and snaps, "Jesus, good morning to you too, those are my _feet_ you're sitting on."

It's Jade who laughs -- you shouldn't be surprised; Dave's family is comprised of ninjas -- "Yeah, well, you're taking up the whole couch!"

"Yeah, well, you could sit on the other one, jeeze." Dave's pouting, you can tell, and you can't help but grin at it.

"Come on! Just scoot over already!"

"No. 'M sleeping."

"Dave! Don't be a jerk!"

"I'm sleeping!"

"You are obviously not sleeping, brother." Wow that was Rose. You didn't even hear her come down.

"Ow, fuck, Dirk, get off me you fatass."

"I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave." Omg did Dave's brother _really_ just quote A Space Odyssey?

"By the way, I've texted Mother to inform her of this waking procedure -- " you think Dave mumbles something at his sister, " -- This isn't _our_ house; I'm sure she'll actually get dressed before coming out."

You have to stuff your fist into your mouth to keep your laughter muffled. You can hear Jade snort and gasp with her own giggles and Dave's still grumbling under his breath, up until you hear his mom -- _Roxy_ , you remind yourself -- join what you assume is a dog pile on Dave.

"Ow, fuck! Mom, get off."

"No, Davey, I just want to cuddle. You _love_ to cuddle!"

"Ow! That was my _tit_ you just elbowed!"

"Shoosh, sweetie. Don't deny the mommy cuddles."

"Mom, I swear to god I will pee on everything you hold dear if you don't get the fuck off me!"

Dave's yelling now and you don't think you've ever seen him this worked up. It's freaking hilarious. You are absolutely dying into your half empty cup of coffee and you can hear Dad's chuckles over the sound of bacon frying.

"He is quite a fan of cursing, isn't he?" Dad muses. You shrug. You don't think Dave can really help it at this point, but it is pretty funny, you guess. Your dad looks up and smiles. "It's going to be quite a handful between him and Jake. Will you see if anyone else would like some coffee? And take Jade hers?"

"Sure." You trade your coffee for Jade's and shuffle out to the living room. Dave's still whining at his mom, palm smooshed against her cheek to keep her duck face away from his, a hilariously scandalized look on his face. His mom is flopped out on top of him, doing her damnedest to cuddle, while Dirk and Rose both sit primly on the edge of the couch, pinning Dave to the back, hands folded in their lap and looking very Children-Of-The-Corn, while poor Jade sputters into her knees, folded over in laughter. It is a picture completely painted in weird. This, metaphorical ladies and gentlemen, is your best friend in his natural environment.

Spoilers : Dave is a huge dork.

Not that you didn't know that already, but wow, he is even sillier when around his family.

"Jesus dick, John don't just stand there, fucking save me!"

You set Jade's coffee on the table next to her with a barely suppressed grin; "Are you admitting to being a damsel in distress, Dave?" He shrieks and you think me might be genuinely upset and so you sort of feel bad that it's really fucking funny. "But there's fresh coffee if anyone wants some?"

Roxy chirps, "Ooh, coffee!" and both Dirk and Rose stand to help their mom off their brother, which would be really freaking wierd out of context, now that you think about it. Dave flops back, free from the torment that is his mother, scowling. He's still red in the face, unattractive blotchy triangles of pink on his cheeks. You lean over him, one arm braced on the back of the couch, and you poke him, square in the forehead. He pulls a face at you and you snicker.

"You're really adorable around your family, Dave," you tell him with a wide grin.

"Shut up. I'm not cute," he snaps back, rolling over, "I'm manly as hell." He yanks the blanket across him, practically over his head. This reignites your giggles, and Jade makes a wet sputtering sound. You look over, red from laughter, and Jade's pinching her nose, coffee clutched in her other hand.

"Oh my god, did you squirt coffee out your nose?"

She nods, eyes squeezed shut. "Oh jeeze, that was really gross!"

You just laugh at her and plop into the space Dave vacated when he rolled over. Jade sets her coffee back on the table and swoons dramatically across Dave's legs. Dave grumbles at the two of you, "Dave down two, attack of the derps."

He squirms behind you, enough to pull his face away from the couch, almost dislodging you from your perch.

"And Harley -- " you wonder when Jade told him her middle name, " -- stop violating me with your hairclip. It is far too pointy for my poor, virgin asshole."

Jade hops off the couch, punching Dave in the leg, and laughs, "That is nasty, Dave!"

"Says the broad who tried to peg me with a hairclip."

"Ooh Mister Strider, ooh," Jade deadpans. Dave wiggles until he can sit up, and you automatically lean back until you take up the space he vacates (Dave stays leaned up against your shoulder, and his back is warm against your arm).

"Just be sure to use lube next time, Harley."

Jade bumps into Dave's bro as he wanders back from the kitchen, coffee free. He sits heavily on the loveseat, your sleeping bag sliding to the floor. Dave looks over at him, his cheek pressed against your shoulder, and says, "'Sup?"

Dirk shrugs, pulling his feet up onto the couch to sit cross legged. Dave rolls eyes, muttering, "Whatever," under his breath before he climbs off the couch, trailing blankets. He heads off to the bathroom, scooping up his bag on the way.

===> DAVE : GET DRESSED

Well, you're _trying_ , at least, but you're in just your vest and boxers, toothbrush hanging from your lips, and you're texting your brother instead.

TT : I was just offered coffee by an attractive, well dressed man in a fedora.  
TT : I do believe I am swooning.  
TT : Fucking all over the place, swooning.  
TG : dude if you get it on with johns dad i will never forgive you  
TT : I didn't say I would, just that I was offered coffee by an attractive, well dressed man in a fedora.  
TT : I hear you sighing in there.  
TG : dude quit texting me while im naked  
TG : its creepy  
TT : Well, it's not my fault you haven't finished getting dressed.  
TG : you only started texting me after i left  
TG : to get dressed  
TG : which you knew because you watched me leave  
TG : dude if youre having creepy incestual thoughts  
TG : please go after johns dad instead  
TG : you have my full blessing if hitting on me is the alternative  
TT : Yes, Dave. I am hitting on you.  
TT : Dave.  
TT : Dave.  
TT : Darling brother.  
TT : Dave, please be mine.  
TT : I still have some of those sweet heart candies from Valentines day.  
TT : I am pulling one out just for you.  
TT : It says 2HOTT.  
TT : 2HOTT Dave.  
TT : Please baby don't ignore me.  
TG : i am going have egbert poison your pancakes  
TT : I am not surprised.  
TT : Although, honestly, I am not sure if I'll even manage to eat them.  
TG : ugh fine  
TG : if its what you need come at me bro  
TT : I'm sure I'll manage.  
TG : i know  
TG : lots of people though and jesus dick if the egberts are anything but noisy  
TT : Indeed.  
TT : Quite nice to look at, however. I can see why you have a thing for your friend.  
TG : oh god is it really that obvious  
TT : No.  
TT : Not to me at least. Rose and I talk, bro. We go out to this swanky coffee shop in the middle of Manhattan with her lesbian designer girlfriend and said lesbian designer girlfriend's bffsie, whom, I should note, is a total queen, and we gosip about your lovelife.  
TT : Your standard Queer As Folk fare, really.  
TG : i am surrounded by homos  
TT : You really are, Dave.  
TT : Are you done yet? Your friends keep trying to talk to me.  
TG : youll sit on me next to someone you dont know for like twenty minutes but you cant manage a bit of conversation  
TT : Exactly.  
TT : Also, you might want to take an actual room tonight. I could see your nipples.  
TG : omg shoot me

You very pointedly log out.

===> JOHN : GET MORE COFFEE

Dave's mom -- Roxy, is sitting on the counter, watching your dad cook, chatting away while your dad flips pancakes and the bacon sizzles. They seem to be hitting it off, which is great, in your opinion. You join Rose at the table, stirring creamer into your second cup.

"Your father quite nice," Rose notes, and up close, with out her make up, she looks so much like Dave that it's kind of creeping you out. You tell her this and she laughs, and her laugh is way different from Dave's. That's good, you suppose. Not quite as identical. Though, you know, they are identical twins.

"We've all made introductions in here," she tells you, sipping from her cup. Her coffee is black, you notice. Gross. "And your father has agreed to making blueberry pancakes. I dare say Dirk will be quite pleased. He's a fan of blueberries."

You smile at her; "You guys are really cute when you talk about him, you know."

She sniffs, "I'm not cute. I'm dapper as hell."

You snicker and then the front door bangs, announcing Jake's return. You hear Bec woof, one of his quiet woofs that still booms through the house, and Dave shrieks.

Everybody starts and you scramble out to the living room. Jake and Jade are both trying to pull Bec away, chiding him for being a Bad Dog, but Dave. Dave is backed against a wall, knees locked, face red under his shades, with Bec's furry snout shoved between his thighs, and you collapse into the door frame with laughter.

"Jesus Christ John, don't laugh, save me from this thing!"

Bec is almost bigger than either of your cousins, and definitely stronger, and all you can do is laugh and tell Dave, "Bec's just a dog."

"This is not a dog. This is a furry, white, spawn of Satan and it is violating me with it's _face_."

You just laugh harder. Dave whines, pulling himself up on tip toes as he tries to push Bec's face away. For all everyone's efforts, Bec stays right where he is, butt wiggling happily. You double over from how hard you're laughing, sputtering out apologies to Dave.

"Bec, bad dog," Jade scolds, louder, while Jake hugs the dog around the middle in effort to pull him away, "Bec, I will get the newspaper if you don't stop!"

Bec's butt stops wiggling. Jade growls his name one more time and he drops down, laying at Dave's feet.

"Good boy, Bec." Jade's still scowling at her dog, who gives a hesitant wag of his tail and looks up at her mournfully. Dave hasn't pulled away from the wall; if anything, he seems to be shrinking further into it, while Jake sits on the floor next to Bec, chortling under his breath.

"Seriously, what the fuck is that thing?" Dave snaps. You hear Dad sigh in the kitchen and you gasp down air and wheeze out another round of laughter.

"Just a dog, mate," Jake answers, "And forgive me for being an arse, but are you a boy or a girl."

You think you might actually pee yourself with how hard you're laughing, still, as Dave gives Jake a pinched mouth scowl. His shades hide his eyes, but you can still see his eyebrows dip, pull together.

"Boy. And the last thing _that_ is, is 'just a dog'."

"It seems 'just a dog' to me, brother," Dirk calls from the couch, chin on his knee. Dave flips him the double bird and skirts around Jade, where she knees next to Bec, scolding him.

You gasp and sputter, "I think I am _literally dying_ ," and Dave turns his middle-finger-wielding powers on you, which, really doesn't help the situation. You end up sliding to the floor, which seems to be a common occurrence among everyone today, and watch Dave flop onto the love seat next to his brother while Jake pops back to his feet to extend a hand to them.

"Golly, I haven't actually introduced myself, have I?" he says, while you snerk and the Strider brothers raise eyebrows over their shades in perfect harmony. Your cousin continues; "Jake English, at your service, good chaps."

Dave slaps his hand into Jake's, grasping wrist for an epic hand clasping, and you can see Jake beam.

"Dave," your best bro says, "and this is Dirk."

Dirk, for his part, just raises his chin in greeting, hands repetitively smoothing out the knees of his jeans.

"A pleasure, lads." And then your cousin does his dorky imaginary hat-tip thing and bounces off towards you (and the kitchen), Bec's leash in hand. Dad calls out that breakfast is done half a heartbeat later and you watch Dave take his sweet ass time getting off the couch while you regain your feet, laughing as he tries to give the impression that he really doesn't care about the food.

(You know he does. You're pretty sure that if it wasn't for you, Dad, and Karkat, Dave would eat nothing but shitty Chinese and pizza.)

(Thank god Karkat can cook; you would be so tired of shitty Chinese and pizza.)

===> JOHN : PARTAKE IN YOUR DAD'S AWESOME BREAKFAST

You haven't had blueberry pancakes in years! They're not actually your favourite kind -- you're more of a chocolate chip pancake kind of guy -- but it's a nice change of pace. Your dad went all out too; bacon and sausage and hash browns and fresh made whipped cream for the pancakes. You can tell that Dave's surprised at the spread, having never been around for any big events. Dad directs everyone towards the dining room, passing off a plate full of delicious as they past while Rose neatly sets the table.

You wind up with the plate of bacon. It takes quite a bit off effort to actually stick it in the middle of the table, rather than at your spot. Rose has commandeered the middle chair on one side of the table, so you take the chair opposite of her and Dave sidles in to your left. Dad will take the head of the table, like always does, and will probably insist that Dave's mom will take the other end, like a proper gentleman, so you figure the Stri-Lals will all end up on one side. Dave's bro seems pretty uncomfortable with new people; he didn't seem to have much of an issue when he dropped Dave off at the start of freshmen year, but then, you suppose, it had just been you and if Dave talks about you like you talk about him, you don't think you would have really counted as new people.

And, you remind yourself, your best bro's bro has an awkward crush on your cousin, who takes the chair to your right.

Everyone settles into chairs (and you were right; your dad fussed about Roxy sitting at the other end instead of next to him) and the passing of dishes commences.

It's. A pretty uneventful breakfast, really. Lots of thank-yous and this-is-really-goods while Dad beams from all the praise and Jade rambles about how much different UW is from her school in Europe to Jake, who asks her which sights she got to see. Halfway through, though, Dirk apparently has an epiphany, dropping his hands onto the table hard enough to rattle the dishes and startle everyone into silence. Well, your part of the party, at least; Rose, Dave, and Roxy all keep eating like nothing happened. The sweeping gesture he uses to point at Jake almost knocks over the pitcher of juice.

"You're Jake English," he says, completely deadpan. Your cousin looks thoroughly confused.

"Er, yeah. Did I not introduce myself as such?"

" _The_ Jake English."

You can help snickering as Jake nods dumbly. Dave punches you in the thigh under the table while Dirk's arm droops. He pulls back into himself, shades pointed at his plate, and he blushes _exactly_ the same way Dave does, all blotchy triangles of red down his cheeks. He mutters an apology and Rose paps him on the shoulder.

"So, uh, I guess we have a fan in our midst, hmm?" Dad says, only for Dave to pop back with, "Dude, you would not even _believe_ the magnitude of John's science -- " oh god, Dave please don't say boner, " -- crush on my mom."

Roxy perks up in her seat; "Ohmigod, _really_?"

And you find yourself in a science menage a troi with your cousin and your best friend's mom.

(You get the feeling no one else at the table cares about what you're talking about.)

===> DIRK : TELL YOUR BROTHER HE'S A DICK  
TT : I know that it's always better to do this face to face, darling.  
TT : However, given the circumstances, I really don't think anything but pesterchum is available.  
TT : And I'm afraid I must request you return my sweethearts.  
TG : dude wtf  
TT : You are a complete assface for not informing me that I would be in the company of Jake fucking English and I am thusly breaking up with you.  
TG : no dude its not my fault  
TG : rose started this shit  
TG : and it was johns idea to not tell you  
TG : hes a pranking master bro  
TG : cant deny him and his big baby blues you know  
TT : Placing all the blame on your boyfriend and your sister, Dave? Classy.  
TG : fuck off  
TG : you would have totally pussed out if you had known hed be here  
TT : Perhaps. Still, I would have much appreciated a heads up.  
TG : spoilers you slept in his bed last night  
TT : I am going to murder you in a truly grotesque fashion.  
TT : They will never find your body.  
TG : <3  
===>  
EB : dude, i think your mom is hitting on my dad now too :T  
TG : ahahaha  
EB : shut up dave. you're not actually laughing.  
TG : no bro trust me im laughing on the inside  
TG : in case you havent noticed my moms like perpetually a fourteen year old  
TG : just be glad jades too rugged to be harassed into like hair braiding and shit  
TG : idek  
TG : whatever it is pre teen girls do at sleep overs  
TG : thats my moms favourite sort of activity  
EB : wow okay?  
TG : shes just naturally flirty it doesnt mean anything  
TG : if she actually means it ill eat my shoe  
TG : the left one just so were clear  
TG : rose has been trying to convince mom to go on dates for like three million years now but as far as i know shes been date free since kindergarten so  
EB : wow really?  
TG : yeah took her vows to my dad super seriously  
TG : though she apparently missed the whole til death do us part bit  
EB : huh. okay.  
EB : it's still weird.  
TG : yeah whatever  
TG : are you actually paying attention to what youre doing  
TG : i will not tolerate any burnt food bro  
EB : ahah shut up dave :B  
TG : no seriously pay attention to what youre doing  
EB : yeah okay, i see how it is. you just don't want to talk to me, huh?  
TG : yeah you got me bro i am sick of your face now get back in the kitchen and make me dinner

You can hear John sniggering in the kitchen as your mom flops onto the couch next to you, apparently done turning the Egberts into awkward turtles with her incessant flirting. She flings an arm around your shoulders and leans into you.

"Hey honey," she says, bumping her head against yours. You both watch your siblings fuck around with yarn, Rose knitting while Dirk balls yarn for her, silent but for the clack of metal needles. "So Johnny mentioned last night that you're still no good at housework."

Your mom's grinning; you just roll your eyes.

"He makes up a great bed, though I bet he makes a better bed warmer, huh?"

You flush and shrug out from under her arm, glaring; "We don't -- "

It's your mom's turn to roll her eyes, interrupting you, "Yeah, sure. You know I'm not bothered. You've always been very affectionate. I just want to be sure everything's okay. He may be your best friend but I will fuck that boy up if he hurts you."

You groan and relax back into the couch. "It's fine. We're not _doing_ anything." You pointedly neglect to mention all the kissing. You don't think she's buying the _nothing_.

"Sure. Just be safe, kiddo. You still on your meds?"

You make a face -- "Yeah." -- and you're reasonably sure this whole sex talk Mom's insisting on is even more awkward this time around. Mom kisses you on the forehead and you make a face at that too.

"Just making sure. Me 'n Rosie are always down to giving pointers too, if you'd like."

You bury your face in your hands, muffling yourself when you whine, "Mom, just go away."

She snickers and kisses you again, the top of your head this time, but you feel the couch shift as she stands.

You phone buzzes in your pocket not long after.

TG : So you and your friend. You two actually doing it?

You throw a couch cushion in retaliation, Dirk catching it with ease and you are _so_ going to punch the smug grin off his face. You grumble and flop face first back into the couch.

You get barely a reprise from family frustration before Jake comes trotting out with a box held over his head.

"Who's up for a good walloping in a game of risk?" He says, loud and cheerful, as he drops the box onto the coffee table. Dirk flinches at the noise, while you mime shooting yourself in the head, to which your sister just waggles her eyebrows. Mom's the first to plop on the ground by the coffee table.

"Dibs on pink!"

Jade bounds from the kitchen just in time to claim green, while Jake takes blue. You and Dirk are both forced to join. It's the Lord Of The Rings edition of Risk. Dirk ends up wiping the floor with all of you.


	16. EVERY DICK IN THE ROOM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO SOME OF THE CODING IN THE LAST CHAPTER FUCKED SHIT UP AND MADE SOME THINGS DISAPPEAR? Coding is not my forte, but it's fixed now so please reread the last chapter oAo

===>

You and John are asked to do the first round of dishes while food cooks not long after you finish metaphorically licking your wounds from the sick board game beat down Dirk dished out. You pull yourself to your feet and give Dad a half assed salute and a "Yeah, Dad," that has your brother smirking. John already has the dishwasher loaded, a stack of pans still in the sink from breakfast, when you join him, pulling out your phone to answer the inevitable text from Dirk.

TT : You seriously call him "dad"?   
TG : yes shut up fuck you doing dishes   
TT : Well. No need to get snippy.

"My brother's an ass," you mumble to John when he raises an eyebrow at you. He grins and you can help but quirk your lips in a smile back; you'd kiss him but there are people everywhere and you really don't want to suffer through another conversation like the one you had with your mom.

"So dinner's almost done," John says, plunging his hands back into soapy water. He bumps his hip against yours, the two of you as close to shoulder-to-shoulder possible with your height difference. "Dad has Jade sent to commandeer someone to help her set the table. I'm betting it'll be Rose again, so your brother will probably be stuck with Jake doing dishes after we eat."

As if on queue, your phone buzzes in your pocket just as Jade and Rose cut through the kitchen. You ignore your brother, stepping out of the way for Jade and Rose to gather dishes.

In no time, you're back at the dining room table, configured the same as you were for breakfast, shoulder to shoulder with John as Dad circles the table with a bottle of wine. You and Rose share a look over the mashed potatoes, mirroring each other's expression perfectly (you think John sees; it seems he's pretty weirded out by you and Rose together, which is kind of hilarious, you're not gonna lie).

Dirk comes to the rescue seconds after Dad finishes pouring a glass for Mom, stealing it away with a muttered, "Thanks."

And then Mom says, "Thank you, but I can't leave Dave alone with the sparking cider. He'll drink all of it, and then he'll get sick, and _then_ he'll bitch the rest of the night."

You flip her the bird behind Dad's back and she counters by blowing you a kiss.

You're antsy as shit to get started, jonesing for your tryptophan high, politely waiting for Dad to resume his seat at the head of the table.

"Thank you all for joining us this Thanksgiving," Dad says, beaming.

"And thank goodness none of my teachers have an accent this year!" Jade pipes. Three heads of black hair and one of salt-and-pepper turn expectantly towards your sister.

"Oh," she says, both eyebrows raised, "That is a thing we are doing. Uh, hm. I am quite thankful for not having to order take out this year."

Dirk gapes, mouth opening and closing like a fish, until Rose nudges him and he simply raises his glass. You can see the look of _oh fuck_ in his face. Rose nods and adds, "The wine is quite lovely as well."

Mom snickers, "I'm thankful Rosie doesn't have to remember to order take out."

"And I," you say, "Am so freaking thankful that Rose doesn't have to order take out. This looks awesome. So thanks," you grin at John and his dad, "for having us."

John gives this awkward little laugh; "Thanks for coming, I guess."

"And I am thankful that my adventures have taken me close to home. And for meeting new people."

Dirk sputters, choking on his wine, as Jake double-pistol-winks in his direction. You and your twin share a look as Dad, again, thanks everyone for coming -- "It's so nice to have a full house again." -- and Dirk whips out his phone. Yours buzzes in your pocket rapid fire as you ignore him in favour of food.

Once you've mostly served yourself, your sister and your mom tag teaming Dirk's plate while he's distracted, you pull out your phone to answer.

TT : Oh my god, I cannot even.   
TT : Holy cock sucking Christ, did he really just wink at me?   
TT : And "showed me the guns". He winked at me while doing gun like hand gestures.   
TT : Was that really AT ME?   
TT : That was flirting, correct? Like, actual normal human being flirting.   
TT : What does that even mean?   
TT : He is so utterly moronic in real life. I think I find it rather endearing. Except I really can't tell if he's actually hitting on me or just a dweeb.   
TT : I still hate you. Why is everyone you know attractive?   
TT : Damn it Dave, find ugly people to know. At least then I wouldn't alternate between staring inappropriately and avoiding eye contact completely.

You're fighting laughter and John peeks over at where you're holding your phone. You tilt the screen towards him.

TT : What do I do now? I can't be like, "Hello relative of my baby bro's boyfriend, you are attractive, may I suck your dick?"   
TT : I think I would enjoy sucking every dick in this room.   
TT : Don't you dare show this to your boyfriend.   
TT : Oh fuck me sideways you're actually showing this to your boyfriend.   
TT : You remember how I promised to kill you and hide away the body?   
TT : Yeah, that is still a thing I plan on doing.   
TT : You are a terrible person. Bad Dave, worst bro.   
TT : Fuck you seriously stop.

John has his fist stuffed against his mouth, his face red with suppressed giggles, and Dirk is still typing furiously at you.

TT : I am going to pee on everything you love. Except perhapse your boyfriend. I am not actually into watersports.   
TT : I will pee on your bed, Dave.   
TT : I will pee on your bed when we get home and it will stay that way for months.   
TT : Because you will still be here.   
TG : dude just shut up and eat   
TG : promise egbert seniors cooking is worth it

Your brother frowns at you from across the table, his eyebrows pinched down over his shades. You shrug and follow your own advice.

"Oh my GOD," your mom exclaimed through a mouth full of turkey dinner, "Dave, honey, marry into this family. Immediately. Or you, Dirk. Really, I don't care who marries who as long as this is a reoccurring event."

"Goodness," Dad say, obviously flustered, "You all are more than welcome to join us again."

"Wonderful! Though I dare say our house would be a little more suited for Christmas. It actually snows in New York."

John bounces in his chair at that, turning to his dad, "Aw man, a real white Christmas, Dad! Can we?"

You snort into stuffing; "Dude, what are you, four?"

And then John turns back to you with the most serious expression you've ever seen on his face, "Dude, Dave. There has only been one Christmas I can remember where it actually snowed. One Christmas Dave. One. And that Christmas? Was ten years ago. Ten years, Dave. I didn't even _know_ you then and all I want for Christmas is to shove snow down your shirt."

His complete deadpan makes everyone at the table laugh.

===> ROXY : BREAK OUT THE BUFFY

GLADLY. You've only been waiting for this for like, ALL YEAR HOLY CRAP. Not even being across the county will impede your Thanksgiving tradition, and since the two families here will become one, damn it, you're gonna share the Buffy.

You herd all the children into the living room, winking at James, and season four materializes in your hand.

You end up on the love seat with James, watching fondly as your children pile up on the couch with his, Dave all but on top of his friend, with his legs splayed across those of his siblings. The dvd is set to run, Dave directing John's sister who's name you cannot for the life of you remember -- they all have J names; Jane, maybe? -- to the correct episode. You, honestly, end up watching your children more than the show.

"They're quite happy together, don't you think?" James murmurs to you. You hm questioningly back to him, glancing over. He clarifies, "John and Dave. John insists there's nothing going on between them, but I think he just doesn't want me to be uncomfortable with the idea of him being romantically involved with another man."

You chuckle, "I don't think they're actually _together_ yet, but I've money on them getting together by Christmas."

"Oh dear," James laughs, "Dare I ask with whom you have this bet?"

"Rosie. She thinks they'll continue floundering 'til summer."

"Hm. I think the real question is when they'll tell us."

"Ohh that's not fair though! Especially if Rose is in on the bet. Dave tells her _everything_."

"Yes, I suppose you're right. I have a feeling we'll be the last to know."

"Last to be told. They're not very subtle." You think Dave's dozed off on his not-boyfriend.

"So how much is it to get into the betting pool? I'm thinking spring. It's a good time for new love."

===> DAVE : WAKE UP

Oh fuck, did you really fall asleep?

Why yes, yes you did. Such is the price of delicious turkey dinners. No one has really moved though, your siblings content with their lap blanket made of your legs, though John grins at you when he notices your open eyes.

"Dude finally!" he says, "I've had to pee for like, an hour, but I didn't want to wake you."

You mumble halfheartedly and drag yourself into a sitting position so John can get out from under you. You flop back into his place after he leaves and sigh, "Mm, ass warmth." Your sister snickers from the vicinity of your knees.

"Alright," Dad says as John migrates back, "Time to clean up, kids."

Jake climbs to his feet and grins at your brother, "I'm afraid your with me this round, chap."

You almost feel sorry for Dirk.

Almost.

You text him :

TG : this is where you flirt back bro   
TG : hes about as dense as you   
TG : should work out great   
===> JOHN : RECLAIM YOUR ROOM

"Dude it's gonna be so nice to sleep in a real bed again."

You laugh at Dave, who has flopped out on your bed, "You say that like it wasn't your idea to sleep on the couch."

"Yeah, well, fuck you."

Snorting, you drop onto the bed next to him, laying back so you're shoulder to shoulder with him. You laugh again when you see how screwed his shades have gotten.

"You're gonna bend the shit out of those, Dave," you tell him.

He shrugs, "They're like, three million years old already. What do I care."

"Aw man, it was my idea for you to pick up aviators. I'm super hurt, bro."

He smacks you in the chest, awkwardly, given his face down position, and then just doesn't move his hand away.

"Yeah, and how many pairs of glasses have _you_ gone through since then?"

"Dude that is totally not a fair comparison! _Mine_ have _prescriptions_ and they change a lot okay?"

He snorts, his thumb rubbing circles over your heart. It's disgustingly sweet. You don't have the heart to do anything about it.

"Hey, Dave," you murmur. He hums, utterly relaxed next to you, his thum still moving over your breastbone. You whisper, "You're drooling."

He makes this wet slurping noise to suck saliva back into his mouth, the hand on your chest going to wipe at his lips and you laugh.

"Dude, that was so totally attractive."

He smirks, his arm flung across your chest, elbow under your chin while his wrist rests against his jaw. He waggles his eyebrows at you, exaggeratedly, as he says, "I know right?"

You deadpan, "Ooh mister Strider, ooh." He grins full out at that, one of his rare, real smiles and your heart skips a beat. You tell him, "You're pretty."

"Dude gay."

"Yeah, whatever," you huff, "It's your fault, you and your whole artsy fartsy thing. I spend too much time around you."

"Sure." You think he wiggles closer, but that might just be your imagination. "So you gonna kiss me or what."

You roll into him, nudging him onto his side like you, and snicker against his lips, "Gay."

He just kisses you. You're okay with this.

===> JOHN : THINK ABOUT THE KISSING THING

It's definitely pretty weird to make out with Dave, if you think about it. Which you are. While you kiss Dave, in fact, which is actually kind of douchey but you're way used to kissing being a sexual thing and it's not sexual with Dave so you kind of want to make a point of connecting this sort of sloppy make outs to a lack of boners.

Which may or may not actually be working.

You're trying, okay! Like you said, you're used to kissing leading to sex.

And it's pretty obvious that this is just how Dave rolls. Like, he's way more affectionate with his family than you had thought, even more so than you are with yours, and his family is just. Really affectionate in general. So you're not surprised that kissing is a platonic thing for him. You're pretty sure Roxy kissed everyone in the house today at _least_ once, and while you haven't actually _seen_ Dave kiss anyone else, that doesn't mean it hasn't happened.

(There is, however, a small part of you that hopes you're the only one Dave's kissed, because you're a selfish asshole like that.)

(Who is still having issues with the whole separation of lips and dicks.)

(You are sort of uncomfortably hard.)

(Oh god, please don't let Dave notice.)

===> DAVE : TOTALLY NOTICE

You lean against John and yup. That is totally a dick digging into your hip. John arches against you, stuttering an apology, and you snicker against his lips.

You get why it's called a boner now. It almost hurts where it's pressed against you with absolutely no yield -- nothing like your own dick, which isn't surprising since your dick is fake.

"Hi Dave," John breathes against your lips.

"Hey," you whisper back. You can't help the smug grin plastered across your face.

"So uh. I've got a hard on."

"I've noticed."

"It's kinda. Really not helping the whole platonic make outs thing."

You snicker, "It's fine -- " sort of; there's a part of you kind of flipping out over the idea that _you_ get him hard, but he doesn't need to know that " -- and I kind of get it so," you trail off and shrug, inadvertently shifting against him. He gasps when your hips press harder against his.

Okay maybe you don't want to go here yet. You've spent a fair amount of time thinking about his dick in a very platonically sexual way but going that far is still kind of fucking terrifying and your sister is in the next room.

You scoot back.

"If you wanna go take care of that, you can," you tell him, gesturing to his crotch.

He blushes dark and assures you, "No, I'm okay."

"Mm, good. 'Cause I'm comfy as shit."

"Dude at least take of your shades."

"Naw, too comfy."

He laughs, "You're a dork," and takes them off for you. When he rolls back from setting both your glasses on his side table, he presses a kiss to your forehead. It's disgustingly tender. You snuggle up to his chest and pass the fuck out.

===> JOHN : CHECK IF DAVE IS ACTUALLY SLEEPING

You squint at him in the dark; he does look like he's asleep so you roll over, aiming to sneak off to the bathroom. You're still uncomfortably hard, even though it's been like, half an hour since Dave passed out. You have the blankets half off you when a round of giggles sound from Jade's room and you inwardly curse. Your cousin is really bad at knocking, even after four years of dorm rooms, and she'd be loud enough to wake the whole neighborhood if she wound up walking in on you jerking off in the bathroom, and then Dave would be awake which would defeat the whole purpose of actually leaving the room to jerk off in the first place.

You groan and pull the blankets back up.

Maybe you can just wait it out? You may still be hormone laden but it has to go away _eventually_ , right?

It doesn't.

You're not sure if it's because Dave's pressed to your back, breath soft against your spine or what but it's starting to REALLY FREAK YOU OUT.

Maybe it's because you've spent the last who knows how long thinking about your boner and how Dave caused said boner and the times you've seen him topless and Jesus _Christ_ you are a terrible friend.

Especially since you figure you might as well just take care of it here. It's not like Dave will wake up. He regularly sleeps through both his alarm and Karkat's yelling.

Still, you bite your lip and move slow, hand trailing down your chest, so you don't jostle him. You kind of regret actually wearing pjs to bed now, the extra layers frustrating to deal with, but you do manage to get your dick out without being murdered by Dave so you guess that's a plus. And, fuck, it's a relief to pay yourself some attention. Being pressed up against Dave while you kissed was complete fucking murder, his sharp hips fitting against yours freaking amazingly.

The added shameful exhilaration at maybe being caught makes your toes curl and you don't take long, not with Dave plastered against you, before you come into your hand, and you realize you hadn't thought of what to do when you got to this point.

You fish around on the floor with your clean hand for the shirt you wore today, using it to wipe clean your fingers before you wiggle out of Dave's embrace and step out to the bathroom. Thankfully, you run into no one on your way down the hall. You clean up and head back to bed.

===>

You're startled awake by Bec barking. You disentangle yourself from Dave, guiltily adjusting your morning wood as you very pointedly don't look at him, and shrug into a hoodie. Bec's quieted down by the time you get to the top of the stairs. Jake's got his big ass military duffel slung over his shoulder, his fingers buried in the fluffy fur around the scruff of Bec's neck as he squats in front of the dog. Dad's standing near by with a travel mug, presumably for your cousin. He spots you and smiles.

"Good morning, son," he says, drawing Jake's attention to you as well, "Will you go wake the girls, and Dave, please?"

"Uh, sure," you say, returning Jakes wave before you head back to your room. You poke Dave first, since he'll take the longest.

Well, you don't poke Dave, actually. You strip the bed of blankets entirely, making him squawk and curl up in on himself.

"Jesus _dick_ it's cold," he whines, trying to crawl under the pillows for warmth. You snicker and steal them away; there's only two on your bed here, versus the pile he has on the bed you share in Bham. He whines some more; "You are a terrible fucking person, John, I hope you know that."

"C'mon, get up," you laugh. He does, squinting at you with bed head and his over sized sleeping shirt twisted around his torso and he's just so damned pretty. You look away and strip off your hoodie again, tossing it towards him.

"Jake's about to head out," you say, digging a clean shirt out of your closet. You grab a pair of jeans for good measure and change with your back still to Dave. "Everyone's required to say goodbye."

"It's too freaking early for this."

You look back at him, intending to tease him for how he keeps whining, but you're sort of distracted by the way he's in just his underwear and your hoodie, so pale in the morning light. You do your best not to blush as you zip up your jeans.

"I've got to go wake up the girls now so," you peter off with a shrug and flee the room.

===> DAVE : GO SAY GOODBYE TO THE BEAR GRYLLS WANNABE

Okay you can't really say that anymore. Yeah, he's a Bear Grylls wannabe but he's a pretty okay guy. You are, however, going to go back to bed immediately after, so you only bother pulling on a pair of pj pants before you wander out. Your brother seems to have the same plan as you, except he's foregone putting on any other clothes.

Mom's too busy snickering into her coffee as Jake ogles your brother's shirtless and sculpted torso.

"Jesus Christ, Dirk go put on a shirt."

Your brother looks at you in a way that would be dubbed "owlish" if only he wasn't wearing his ridiculous anime shades and says, "Okay," before he turns back to the room he crashed in. You sigh and step off the stairs.

Jake breathes, "Golly," and your mom laughs harder.

By the time Dirk comes back (now wearing a plain white polo, the popped collar absolutely hilarious paired with his too-short My Little Pony jimjams), John, Jade and Rose are downstairs too, and Dad is making Jake promise to keep himself in North America around Christmas.

You find the way Jake perks up when Dirk walks back into the room way too amusing.

"Of course, Uncle Jamie," he says, and his grin is most definitely aimed towards your brother. You don't think Dirk notices. "I'd be quite larchymose were I to miss another occasion such as this one. And could I bother you all for your pesterchums?"

You think that's directed at your entire family, but he's still speaking directly at your brother. Dirk nods stiffly as Mom happily starts writing down all your handles for him.

You're not terribly surprised when hugs start going around. Dirk, however, is hella surprised when he ends up roped into one, Jake wrapping his arms around your brother. The sheer level of shock on your brother's face is absolutely hilarious, especially when Jake lifts him off his feet, despite being a good foot shorter.

The karma from laughing immediately bites you in the ass as you're next to be subjected to the MANGRIT HUG FROM HELL, except yours is worse since Jake is eye level with your tits. And by eye level you mean his face is in your cleavage as he attempts to squeeze the life out of you.

Your mom and Rose each hug him delicately, bent practically double, and as Jake leaves, he throws another double-pistol-wink in your brother's direction. You think Dirk swoons on the inside and his pants start singing "I won't say I'm in love."

===> JADE : TEXT YOUR BROTHER   
GG : poor bec misses you already :(   
GG : he keeps whining and staring at the door :(   
GG : my poor doggy :((   
GT : Well gosh now i feel like a total arse for leaving him :(   
GG : yeah   
GG : you're a total buttface for leaving us already!!   
GG : we're eating all the leftover turkey without you!!   
GG : in fact i think i'll take a picture of the delicous turkey sandwitch i'm eating right now!!   
GT : Sod off its not my fault ive work.   
GG : yes it is :o   
GT : I really would have stayed longer if i could. I think i right fancy that strider chap.   
GT : The older one i mean.   
GT : Though i think i might have chatted him up a bit hard.   
GT : He didn't seem all that interested :T   
GG : lol i wouldnt be so sure :D   
GG : his pants sure seemed interested after you left!!!   
GG : oh fuck wow that really did not come out right orz   
GG : his phone started playing sappy disney love songs after you left and dave said something about an ai and dirk just turned pinker and pinker   
GG : i did not know there were that many silly disney love songs but its been going off all day   
GG : its really funny!!   
GT : Really?   
GG : yup :3   
GT : Blimey!   
GT : Well arent i quite the tosser fuck.   
GG : well at least you have his chumhandle   
GG : go talk to him!!   
GG : and maybe be even MORE obvious at christmas :3

You waste no time showing Rose your brother's text, who in turn shows Dave and the two of them share identical looks of deviousness. It's pretty awesome.

===> JOHN : SHUT THE FRONT DOOR

"Okay," Jade claps as your dad leaves to drive Dave's family back to the airport, "We are totally going to have a sleepover now and -- " she points at you, " -- you're gonna like it."

Dave doesn't even look up from his phone as he deadpans, "Only if you paint my toenails for me, Harley."

"What colour?" She waggles her eyebrows at him.

"What colour, pah. I want a different shade on each nail, yo."

Oh my fucking god, this is really your life?

Though you must admit it's probably a good thing that Jade's decided to harass you and Dave, since it's been pretty awkward for you to be around him alone since you, you know, sort of jerked off to him last night.

"What about you, Johnny," Dave says, duck-facing at you, "What colour do you want your nails?"

You laugh, "No, I am so not going to let you paint my nails."

Dave shrugs, "Suit yourself, loser. Start with the worst pink you got, Harley."

Jade really does end up painting his toenails. Yours get painted too, Dave straddling your knees while he does it. You end up too busy trying not to pop a boner to really protest.

(You suppose it's a pretty nice shade of blue, at least.)

===> END CHAPTER


	17. REALLY DISCONCERTING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas. Have a chapter where I earn that explicit rating.

===> JOHN : RETURN TO YOUR FLAT

"Sweet baby Jesus, that had better be enough leftovers to feed an army you two asshats are carrying or so help me god I am going to flip my shit."

"Jesus Christ, Karkles, calm your tits. We brought lots of fucking leftovers."

"Oh fuck yes. Freaking Kankri _insisted_ he do most of the cooking because it would have been _misogynistic_ for Kurila to do it, despite him not having a _single clue_ as to what he was doing. Our turkey was so bad. _So bad_." He takes the paper bags Dad filled with Tupperware from yours and Dave's hands and continues his rant, "I swear to god I am going to tie his fat ass to a chair over Christmas. He is _not_ gonna fuck up the ham Dad ordered. D'you think it'd be too far to gag him too? I swear to fuck he's only shoved his head further up his ass since I've been away at college."

He starts shuffling food into the fridge, popping open each container to see what's in it (and occasionally scooping some out onto a pair of plates).

"I think he actually pissed of Mitzy this time. I know Dad's fed up with his shit but there's no way Kanny realizes."

"At leatht you got to go home, Kay-Kay," Sollux grumbles as he takes one of the plates, not even bothering to heat it up.

"Believe me, it was the biggest fucking mistake of the year," Karkat snaps back, shoving his plate in the microwave, "And that's saying something."

Dave snickers, "Glad you all enjoyed yourselves." Karkat glares at him.

"If you guys want, I'm sure Dad'll be okay with you guys coming next year too?" you offer. The more, the merrier, after all.

===> SOMETIME LATER

"GOD DAMNIT JOHN WHY IS THE SHOWER FILLED WITH TOAST?"

You are the best at pranks, it is you.

===> DAVE : TOUCH YOUR BEST BRO

You've been thinking about it. Quite a bit more than you probably should. Not in like, a pervy way, or, well. Okay. Sort of in a pervy way. But not in an I-want-to-ride-your-dick-like-a-mechanical-bull sort of way. More of an I-really-admire-your-aesthetics, you're-my-best-friend, you're-the-only-one-I-think-I-could-ever-do-this-with, let-me-touch-you-all-over sort of way. Which is still really weird. You guess not totally unheard of -- there are plenty of asexuals out there who still get their hands a little dirty, whatever their reason. And just because you're an ace doesn't mean every one in the world is too, and..

Okay, yeah.

You guess you kind of love Egbert in a more-than-platonic way. You like cuddling up to him. You like his warmth, the way he smells of soap and fresh air, and how his hair sticks up with the most god awful cowlicks in the morning. And you really just want to touch him all over.

So you kind of do. Why the fuck not?

You start of slow, timid, skimming your fingers across the side of his rib cage. He mumbles something about tickling as he fumbles sleepily for your hand, pulling your arm across his chest entirely. You snuggle against his back, thumb stroking his chest. You get a gentle squeeze just below your elbow, his thumb mimicking your motions.

He says, "You're adorable, Dave -- "

"Bite me."

"Shoosh. You're arm is all lumpy and weird against my back, so there."

You snort against his spine, squirming to pull your arm out from between the two of you, where you have it wedged between his back and your chest. You end up sticking it under your pillows and his head.

"Better?" you ask. He shimmies over until the two of you are pressed flush against each other. 

"Yeah."

You're not exactly uncomfortable with this turn of events. It's not like he hasn't seen you topless, even if it's always been awkward and accidental. It's just weird. It's weird feeling your boobs pressed up against someone else. But you suppose, out of all the other someone-elses it could have been, John's a pretty alright person to be in this situation with. You puss out on doing anything else though.

===> DAVE : BE FUTURE YOU

You are now Dave exactly one day in the future. You are, again, spooning with Egbert. Starting to touch Egbert in a not entirely platonic fashion was is a lot less nerve wracking this time. You get your arm around his waist, palm against his belly, without any hesitation. Or complaint.

John, you decide, is a big spoon. He's shorter than you, yeah, but thicker than you as well and it's kind of awkward trying to spoon him. It's not _bad_ , it's just... not the same. You're a sundae spoon. Big spoons just do not fit very well in sundae spoons.

Then again, every time you're the little spoon, you end up with your feet sticking out the bottom of the bed. Nobody's perfect.

But anyway.

You trace the line of his hip bone, all the way down to the waistband of his boxers. You stay there for a long moment, waffling. The warmth of his skin soaks into your palm.

You decide to just take the plunge; dive in and if he punches you, so be it. You drop your hand lower, fingertips skimming across the bulge in his shorts. He's not hard -- you really shouldn't be surprised -- but that's fine. You really don't want to fuck him. You're just kind of interested in how an erection actually feels. Pure curiosity.

Ugh, you feel like you're justifying your interest. You have no real motives for what you're doing; you just kind of want to. And so you do. You run your fingers along his dick, too light to be sexual, too often to be accidental. He stiffens up under your touch; you can feel it. It's an odd sensation.

"Um, Dave?" he whispers. You hear embarrassment in his voice.

"Yeah?"

"You know what you're doing, right?"

"Of course not. I haven't the faintest clue." You roll your eyes.

"Well, um. You're kind of. You know. Um, Dave? That's my dick. You're touching it."

"Yeah." Obviously, your sarcasm was not scathing enough.

"Kind of a lot."

"I know."

"I, um. Kind of like it?"

"I noticed."

"A lot."

"Really?"

"Yeah. It's weird."

"Do you want me to stop?"

He takes a long moment to reply; "Not really?"

"Okay." So you don't. He's really hard now, wow. And he's hot against your hand. Thick and heavy. You trace the V under the head with the tip of one finger, defined even through his underwear.

He's breathless when he asks, "Why are you...?"

You shrug; "Why not?" You really don't have a reason.

"Do you want me to, uh, touch you back?" His dick throbs in your hand with his words, but that might have been from you giving him a gentle squeeze.

"Naw."

He sighs, "Alright." His tone speaks volumes. You just don't know what it's saying. You're not sure if you really want to think about it either so you just give him another squeeze, harder this time. The way his breath hitches at that makes you all warm and fuzzy inside. You press your palm firmly against him, sliding down, back up, then back down again. The side of your hand bumps against his balls. They're squishy and weird, soft and pliant, kind of like your boobs, you think as you skim fingers over them and down the inside of John's thigh. He sighs again, his hips rocking ever so slightly with every breath. When you return your hand to his dick, it arches out to meet you and John sucks a breath through his teeth.

It's kind of cool that you can make him react like that. You alternate between barely-there touches and firm, squeezing strokes, taking in every little noise he makes, every tiny shift of his body against yours. You like it. You like that he's so reactive. It's neat.

When your thumb catches in the fly of his shorts and you skim across bare flesh with bare flesh, he gasps. You slide your entire hand in, marveling at the feel of his dick. It's like you're touching the magma hot love child of velvet and silk, that's how soft the skin there is. You just want to run your fingers all over it, memorize every bit of it, from the taunt line of tendon just under the head to the wiry contrast of hair down at the base.

Your fingers slide through wet at his tip, your eyebrows raising at the feel of precum. It's slimy and a lot cooler to the touch than you were expecting, but it makes the skin on skin contact a lot smoother. John's got his face pressed into a pillow. You wrap your fingers around him again, giving a gentle pump of your hand. He makes a small noise in the back of his throat that does funny things to your stomach.

"You okay?" you ask.

He nods against the pillow, his words muffled as he replies. "Yeah, just getting close."

"Oh." You continue stroking him, pulling him through the fly of his shorts, jerking him off. Like this, it almost feels like you're jerking yourself off, except John keeps squirming, shifting his hips in time with your hand.

He me makes another choked sound and covers your hand with his, squeezing your fingers tighter around his length for one stroke, two strokes, three more before he stops your hand, keeping your fingers closed around the head. He bucks into your combined hands, breathing hard, until you feel his dick twitch hard and stickiness ooze over your fingers.

Neat.

===> JOHN : FREAK OUT A LITTLE

Holy crap, Dave just gave you a hand job. You just _let_ Dave give you a hand job. You just let _Dave_ give you a hand job and you came all over his hand and his hand is still on your dick, smearing your spunk everywhere as continues to fondle you a little. And you really liked it.

You _really_ liked it.

Holy crap. Holy fuck. That is not good. That is the opposite of good. You are not supposed to like getting a hand job from your best friend. Your best _guy_ friend, even if his hand is slim and gentle, even if he has boobs and those boobs are pressed against your back, even if his breathing is slow and even like he's just about to fall asleep. That's not good. That's bad. Oh fuck. Just, fuck.

"Dave?" He hums against your shoulder blade. "You can stop," you tell him, "I'm done. There's not much else. Unless, um, you, you want.. to?"

You feel him shake his head. "Naw. 'M cool."

"I don't mind. Returning the favour. If you want."

He laughs a little, hand withdrawing from your crotch. "Really," he insists, "I'm fine." He wiggles his fingers in the air and you feel his frown before he goes to wipe his hand off on his shirt.

"Dude! Nasty!" you squirm away from him, rolling over. He's making a face at his newly soiled shirt.

"There was a lot more than I thought," he admits with a frown.

You can't help but snicker, "That's so gross, go change."

Even in the dark, you can see him blush in awkward embarrassment as he kicks off the blanket to crawl towards the end of the bed, where he scavenges another shirt. He strips off his soiled one right in front of you and there's about ten seconds of totally topless Dave as he better cleans his fingers on the shirt. Even post-orgasm and with his back turned, you feel a spark of lust find it's way to your groin while your eyes make their way up and down Dave's naked torso, taking in his slim ribcage, his narrow waist, the slight swell of his hips and the shifting of his shoulder blades as he slides into his new shirt. Your dick wants in that like nobody's business.

Which makes you feel awful. You really shouldn't be having any thoughts what-so-ever about fucking him senseless. He's your best friend. He's asexual. He's a _guy_. You don't like guys. There's nothing wrong with being gay, it's just not for you. There has never been any other guy you found sexually appealing and you absolutely refuse to let yourself like Dave like _that_ because of the way his body is. It's not his fault he doesn't have the right parts! Genitalia doesn't make someone a man or a woman. Dave's a guy, through and through. Dave's a _guy_ and an ace and you're not gay.

And you really sort of wish you could just punch yourself in the dick right now, 'cause these thoughts aren't going away.

===> DAVE : PONDER

You're starting to freak out a little. And by a little, you actually mean a lot because jesus fucking christ, you're scraping John's spunk out of the creases of your knuckles where it dripped across your fingers last night and it is REALLY DISCONCERTING.

You totally jerked your best friend off last night and you are really unsure what that means. It's not like _you_ got off on it, though you found it quite enjoyable. And he sure got off. Holy shit, did he get off. He got off all over your hand, with this assortment of breathy sounds and a lot of squirming.

It was cool. You liked it.

You think you might like to do it again.

And that's the part that freaks you out. You are so utterly stupid for him and you want him to be happy, except you don't want to have sex and he does.

You don't know what to do.

===> JOHN : PONDER

You are starting to freak out a little. And by a little, you actually mean a lot because jesus fucking christ, you keep remembering how Dave had his hand down your pants, on your _dick_ last night, at the most inopportune times and it is REALLY DISCONCERTING.

Your best friend totally jerked you off last night and you are unsure what that means. It's not like _he_ go off on it (as far as you know), but you think he liked it _somehow_. And you sure got off. Holy shit, did you get off. You got off all over his hand with his tits pressed against your spine and his lips on the back of your neck.

It was hot. You liked it.

You think you might like to do it again.

And that's the part that freaks you out. You love Dave, yeah. He's your best friend and you want him to be happy. You don't fully grasp the concept of, like, platonically doing stuff you've always thought of as sexual (and did Dave even mean _last night_ platonically?), and he doesn't even want to have sex. But you do.

You don't know what to do.

===> JOHN : PESTER ROSE

Sounds like a good idea. She's bound to know more about this than you.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tenticalTherapist [TT] at [15:12] ! --

EB : so i was thinking...

TT : Hello, John.

TT : Don't strain yourself there.

EB : you know how heterosexuals tend to have some sort of homosexual encounter?

EB : and lol, fuck you.

TT : Yes, I know of it, and no thank you, you're not my type.

EB : yeah, i know. but if you ever want to *eyebrow waggle*

TT : I am reasonably sure that my brother would take quite the offence to me sleeping with one of his friends, especially his best friend, regardless of the circumstances and his own feelings.

EB : woah wait, does that mean dave feels things?

TT : Presumably. The thought is indeed quite amazing.

TT : But back to the matter at hand. Yes it is indeed perfectly normal for an otherwise straight person to have the occasional homosexual experiance or feeling. Are you asking for personal confirmation of your sexuality?

EB : what no, i was thinking that since that all is a thing that happens, do asexuals ever have sexy feels?

TT : Sometimes, yes. There are varying levels of all sexualities, asexuality especially so. 

TT : Some aces have absolutely no sexual interest at all, even in themselves, such as Dave. There are others who are perfectly comfortable in masturbating but have no urge to participate in sexual acts involving a second party. 

TT : Furthermore, there are asexuals who will have sex with someone they love as an act of trust and affection as well as asexuals who will take part in a sexual encounter out of abstract interest; graces and gray aces, respectively, if my memory is correct.

TT : And then there is demisexuality, which I personally feel belongs more in the asexual spectrum than anywhere else, which is the label applied to those whom only have sexual interest in someone they have an emotional bond to.

EB : wow, neat!

TT : It is a rather fascinating subject.

EB : how can you tell which is which?

TT : From an outside perspective, I presume?

EB : yeah.

TT : May I ask why you're so interested in this topic?

EB : uh, well...

EB : there's this girl karkat plays dnd with that he thinks has a crush on him but tavros says she's an ace and that got me wondering.

EB : and you're a lot better than google when it comes to stuff like this.

TT : Your personal psychological encyclopedia. I am quite flattered.

EB : lol.

EB : thanks a ton for answering btw.

TT : You're quite welcome.

TT : In regards to "telling which is which", it depends on the persons involved, particuarly the asexual. The only way someone would know if an asexual was comfortable with masturbation is if they told you. 

TT: Graces and demisexuals who thought they were strictly asexual often don't realize they're alright with a more intimate relationship until it gets to the point where the idea of sexual activity is brought up, whether by themselves or their partner.

TT : Gray aces, I presume, proposition someone they're comfortable with for a sexual activity out of nonsexual interest.

TT : With your friend and his suitor, likely the only way to know for sure before entering a relationship is for him to ask.

EB : hahah, yeah.

EB : don't think it'll ever really come up though, 'cause i'm pretty sure karkat's straight out gay.

EB : speaking of which, how's the girlfriend?

TT : Your skills with conversational segues are absolutely amazing, John.

EB : thanks.

TT : And she is quite well, thank you.

TT : How is my darling twin?

EB : he has his nose buried in a sketchbook.

EB : and also, he's got a huuuge smudge of charcoal all over his face.

EB : he hasn't noticed yet.

TT : And you don't plan to tell him.

EB : of course not!

EB : it's really funny when he finally realizes

EB : oh wait.

EB : he's just about to rub at his eyes.

EB : aaaaaand there we go.

EB : ahahahahahaa

EB : oh shit he's coming after me

EB : i shoudln't hav elavuged

EB : save me rooose

EB : saaaave meeeeee

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] has logged off! --

===> END CHAPTER


	18. KITSCHY AS FUCK

===>   
EB : so i'm looking at a pair of bright pink pj pants with sparkly snow flakes and i'm about 90% sure dave will think they're hilariously awful but they're girl pjs and they come with an itty bitty tanktop with snow princess on it and i REALLY want to get them for him for christmas coz it'd be funny but i'm not sure if it'd be   
EB : you know.   
EB : okay.   
TT : I'm sure he'd understand the joke. It's perfectly ironic for him to be a "snow princess".   
TT : And the pink would look absolutely terrible with his eyes, which makes it even better.   
TT : Are there rhinestones?   
EB : tons of them.   
TT : Go for it. The worst that will happen is he doesn't wear it.   
EB : but if he doesn't wear it, it's not funny!   
TT : Worse case scenario, John. More likely than not, he'll prance around in them all morning and we will all be subjected to his hairy chicken legs sticking out the bottom.   
EB : haha yeah, probably.   
EB : there's no way the pants would be long enough if i get a pair that stay on his ass.   
EB : bringing them up to the register now! don't tell dave!   
TT : My lips are sealed.   
===>  
EB : OH MAN DAVE  
EB : it's super balls not having you here :I  
EB : my bed is so cold without you.  
TG : i see how it is  
TG : you only want me for my hot bod  
TG : also gay  
EB : yes dave all i want from you is for you to warm my sheets  
TG : kinky  
EB : hehehe shut up :B  
EB : but seriously i am way too used to having someone else in bed with me.  
TG : do i gotta stage an intervention bro  
EB : no dave you just have to marry me is all.  
TG : promise we can have rose petals and a chocolate fountain and i am yours  
TG : and doves  
TG : can we do that whole rice throwing thing  
TG : shits kitschy as fuck  
EB : yes dave. we can do the rice throwing thing if it'll make you happy.  
EB : anything for you bb.  
TG : okay i think this has officially entered the territory of gayest convo i have ever been involved in  
TG : which is really saying something considering i am related to two of the biggest homos in the world  
EB : ahahah fuck you dave.  
TG : nop thats cool  
EB : seriously quit making me laugh! all i wanted to do was angst dave, and you've ruined that with your making me laugh.  
EB : not cool bro.  
EB : not cool.  
TG : shut up you love me  
EB : yeah whatever :B

Your name is Dave Strider and you are so utterly stupid for your best friend.

TG : if its any consolation im bored as fuck over here   
TG : dont have to worry about chilly sheets though   
TG : got myself a bitchin electric blanket   
TG : and sometimes i can convince mutie to stay in my loft with me   
EB : oh! i am super psyched to see your room too!   
EB : i'm betting it's so not as cool as you say it is.   
TG : dude no my room is the coolest   
TG : there is no place on earth more radical than my room   
TG : youve seen all those stupid hipster posts on tumblr with the beds in like   
TG : closets or some shit idk how people even do that   
TG : with the built in bookshelves and the fluffy bedding and the gauzy curtains and shit   
TG : i literally have that   
TG : with perpetual christmas lights and everything   
EB : you are such a liar dave.   
TG : no way man   
TG : youve gone and done it   
TG : i was thinking of maybe allowing you to grace my super sick pad with all your dorkyness   
TG : but no   
TG : guess what bro   
TG : no loft for you   
TG : you are not allowed   
TG : i will post a sign and everything that says no girls allowed   
EB : hahha you are such a jerk dave.   
TG : not even joking broski   
TG : you are sleeping on the floor   
TG : you dont even get the couch you get the floor   
TG : couch is fully reserved for mutie   
TG : mutie gets all the couch   
TG : all of it   
EB : wow dave i'm hurt!   
EB : but i guess it's okay since you'll be on the floor too.   
EB : i am going to snuggle the fuck out of you.   
EB : ......   
EB : ......   
EB : okay never mind that was really gay.   
TG : dude i am laughing so hard at you right now   
TG : so hard   
EB : yeah, well.   
EB : your mom.   
TG : oh man sick burn   
TG : hold on   
TG : yep okay   
TG : my mom is now also laughing at you   
TG : how do you feel bro   
EB : like you suck total butts :I   
TG : yeah whatever   
TG : again you still love me   
EB : nope i have rescinded on my allowing the whole rice throwing thing.   
EB : there will be no rice at our wedding. none dave.   
TG : aw man youve gone and broke my heart   
EB : none at all.   
EB : unrelatedly, my dad wants to know what your family likes so he can get started on christmas shopping.   
TG : dude you guys dont have to do that   
EB : yeah well, try telling my dad that.   
TG : we like food   
TG : specifically his cooking   
TG : all he needs to do is bring his happy ass over and cook for us   
TG : i think my mom might actually be tempted to marry him herself just foor that tasty fucking food   
EB : hahah, noted.   
EB : but seriously, everyone over here is fussing over what to buy for presents for your family and it's sort of starting to drive me nuts   
EB : so do me a favour and give me a hint?   
TG : uh sure i guess   
TG : mom likes retro video games and really stupid gaudy shit   
TG : you know rose shes super pretentious and gothy   
TG : dork likes mlp   
TG : wait fuck dirk   
TG : you know dork is pretty fitting too   
TG : hes gonna be super awkward during the whole gifting thing so its no biggie if you dont get him anything   
EB : jade wants to know which is his favourite pony.   
TG : i should not be surprised   
TG : rainbowdash   
TG : he also likes fluttershy but i think thats mostly for shipping purposes   
TG : i do know he thinks twilight sparkle needs to go gargle a bag of flaming dicks or something equally disgusting   
EB : good to know?   
TG : i guess yeah   
TG : so dont buy him one of those or else hell like light it on fire or something idek   
EB : ahaha okay, duly noted.   
EB : what about you? what do you want for christmas?   
TG : just you bb   
EB : ahaha gay.   
TG : i feel like here is where i should do that ridiculous double-pistol-wink thing your cousin pulled   
EB : ahahahaha please don't. that's so dumb.   
EB : but seriously, what do you want for christmas? my family wants to know.   
TG : if anyone buys me art supplies i will cry   
TG : and not in a good way i have literal tons of the shit   
TG : i do not need anymore charcoal pencils   
TG : i could literally go swimming in all the charcoal i have   
EB : ahaha okay, no art supplies.   
TG : idk i like dead things so like bones or shit thatd be cool   
EB : gross but okay?   
TG : fuck idk seriously   
TG : you know me just like   
TG : idk im sure whatever it is itll be great you guys are crazy hilarious   
EB : dude are you embarrassed?   
TG : fuck no you just put me on the spot okay i cant think of anything i want   
EB : no you are so embarrassed. its no big deal buying you shit.   
EB : its because we're loaded, isn't it?   
EB : you don't have to be ashamed dave. i know you're not a gold digger ;B   
TG : dude if youre loaded than were like mega loaded   
EB : we are the loadiest, it is us.   
TG : dude what the fuck does that even mean   
EB : i have no idea.   
EB : shit apparently i have to go christmas shopping with everyone else.   
EB : so i'll talk to you later :B

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] has logged off ! --

===> DAVE : HOLD THE YARN

Technically, yes. That is what you're doing. You are also napping. You are the best at multitasking, it is you.

"Dave, if you do actually plan on sleeping the entire time John is on a plane, you should remove your vest."

"Gee, thanks mom," you grumble, but you do wiggle out of your vest. Without removing your shirt, like a boss.

An hour later your phone buzzes across the table.

EB : dave. hey dave.   
EB : guess where i am :B   
TG : sure aint in kansas anymore   
EB : hahah nope. we are officially in new york.   
EB : dad's gone to go get the rental car and then we'll pick up jake.   
EB : and then we'll be on the way to your place!

"Either someone has replaced my twin with a poorly programed robotic look alike or you are completely smitten with your best friend."

"I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about," you reply without missing a beat, texting John back with a simple :

TG : sweet

You spend the next two hours fussing around your room, picking up all the dirty laundry you've amassed and digging out the trash from your loft. You even dust your collection of dead things, because your babies are awesome and they deserve it. At one point, Dirk wanders in -- Rose tattled on you, no doubt -- he stares at you sarcastically and in an I-know-why-you're-doing-this way. You, at least, rest assured that you feelings for John are not overly obvious. You know your twin spilled the beans to your bro.

And then they're there. Here. Whatever. The point is your best friend is currently down in your foyer, along with his wonderfully obnoxious family, and cake is in your future. You vault over the stair's railing halfway down.

John and Jade chorus a startled, "Oh my god, Dave!" as you land, perfectly you might add.

(Dirk mutters something that sounds suspiciously like, "Show off," as he walks by, pointedly ignoring your guests in all his socially awkward glory.)

You raise your hand in salutations two seconds before John scoops you up in a bone crunching hug. Jade bounces over with a, "Me too, me too," and you're passed from one tiny, attractive, bubbly person to another.

Undeniable proof that Strider's get all the bitches.

You help them drag in all the luggage after you peel yourself away from Jade and commandeer Rose to help with the grand tour. She waxes poetical over the mishmash of Victorian and 90's Ultra Modern architecture, the sweeping details and geometrical floor plan. You supplement her words with quips about _here's where you faceplanted the first time you and Dirk strifed_ ,and _here's the ironically bronzed vacuum that still works because your brother is a crazy genius_. More often than not, your comments result in snickers.

(Rose whispers, "You can stop preening any time now, brother," as if that's what you're doing.)

You help get Dad settled into your guest room, since it's buttfuck late, even by Washington time and leave Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum with your twin, so you can cart Tweedle Dumber off to your room.

John is completely and obviously in awe of your room when he sees it in real life. You smirk smugly and refrain from saying, "Told you so."

"Holy shit wow, Dave, your room is so cool!"

You watch him make the rounds, snooping through your room because, "wow everything is so neat!!!" and your room here is nothing like the room you share with John at Western. You ninja up into your loft, resting your chin on the railing. He ends up back in front of you, peering up to grin at you. When he makes to climb up with you, you smack at his hands and shoo him off.

"Told you, bro, not allowed."

He pouts at you and you almost give in. He did promise to snuggle the fuck out of you.

"Come oooon, please?"

"Nope."

He grins and climbs up onto your dresser anyway, tall enough with the boost to peck you on the lips.

"Bribery will get you no where, Egbert," you deadpan. He breathes a laugh against your lips and kisses you again.

"Still not letting you up," you tell him.

"Shut up -- " another kiss, " -- and submit to you bro smooches."

You laugh and shove him back by his face. You allow one more snicker filled kiss before telling him to go turn on your tv. He does and the two of you play shitty video games until you pass out.

===>

The numbers on your alarm clock are a red blur when you wake up, half tangled in your blankets, with a John pawing at your back. Your best bro flattens himself against you, pressing his lips against the nape of your neck where your shirt doesn't quite cover. You make a half asleep, unintelligible noise, and then he shoves his dick against your ass and you spew out the first thing to come to mind.

Which happens to be, "Put that thing back where it came from or so help me." You don't even think about it. Not until John is practically suffocating himself in your pillows to muffle his laughter.

"Oh my god, Dave!"

You end up laughing at how hard he's laughing, which makes him laugh harder, and this whole stupid mobius reach around goes until you shove him into the notch where your mattress doesn't quite fill the loft.

(Except he just laughs harder at that, so you beat him with a pillow and end up in an ironic, impromptu pillow fight that lasts until Rose literally calls you from the next room to tell you to shut the fuck up.)

===> END CHAPTER


	19. PRELUDE TO SCULPTED DOUCHE ABS

**=== >**

Rose side eyes you in the morning, pursing her lips at you over the rim of her coffee cup.

"Dear brother, if you insist on having raucous sex at three in the morning, I would greatly appreciate you, perhaps, considering going someplace besides _directly above my fucking bed_ to do so."

Your mother wheezes in laughter, practically collapsing into the fridge with the coffee creamer clutched in one hand.

"That is so not what we were doing, Rose!" John screeches as Mom shuffles over to you, wrapping her arms around you for a warm, motherly hug.

"I'm so proud of you, baby," she croons into your hair. You bury your face into your hands.

"It was a pillow fight, I swear!"

"Is that what you're calling it, John?" Your sister's in on the hugging action too. You can feel her smirk as she presses her nose against your temple. Dirk silently completes the trifecta, emerging from god knows where like a god damned ninja. Your entire family is now circling you in one huge yay-you-had-sex-except-we-all-know-you-didn't-so-we're-going-to-make-you-extremely-uncomfortable-because-we're-douchebags family snuggle. John's half whimpering, half hysterically giggling behind you.

And the coup de gras comes in the form of John's dad saying, his voice perfectly even, "I trust you boys used protection."

You mumble, "It's too fuckin' early for this," into your palms.

You spend the rest of the day loudly proclaiming that your tender blossom has yet to be plucked, that your virulent maiden hood is still unspoiled, that that your chastity is uncompromised. You regurgitate basically every synonym for virginity you can think of.

(Rose politely defines "virulent" for you and you politely inform her cootch is probably more noxious than yours. She punches you when no one is looking and you make a note to not drink anything she brings you for a while.)

Thankfully, it starts snowing in earnest sometime in the afternoon and distracts the gullible.

**=== >**

"You really weren't exaggerating when you said no one in your family cooks," Dad says, rooting through the fridge -- it's not like your kitchen is empty of food, it's just all mostly instant, boxed things. You shrug from your spot on the counter, knocking your heels against the cabinets. You're pretty sure he's kind of irritated at how you're sitting on the counters, but it's your house and he probably also thinks it's rude to tell you off.

"Would you perhaps be willing to guide me to the grocery store, then?" he asks instead. You shrug again and slide off the counter.

"Sure."

It takes fifteen minutes more than usual for him to make his way through the snowy rural streets that lead from your house to the main road. He visibly relaxes once he reaches the main road into town. You find his Washington driving-in-snow anxiety hilarious; John's just the same, leaving you to drive when it snows in Bham.

As you near the bright spot in the flurry of snow that marks town, he asks you, "Did you and John actually have sex?"

You double take at his pointedness and sputter, "No."

"It's perfectly alright if you did. The two of you are consenting adults. I am just wondering if I should refresh my son on safe sex."

You facepalm -- Rose is the biggest cuntwaffle for ever insinuating you and John had sex. You may have jerked him off, and he may have had a hard on last night, but you have not had sex. No sex has or will happen.

"I'm sorry if I'm being overly forward," Dad adds, "But you and he often make sexually charged jokes at each other, combined with your sister's complaint this morning..." He trails off and you are absolutely mortified.

"I'm more likely to get beaned in the face with a toilet seat from space than have sex," you mumble. You can't believe you get to have this conversation again. Lucky you.

"You shouldn't be ashamed of your body, Dave," he tells you quietly, and you groan.

"I'm not, I just, I'm ace. Asexual, like sex is stupid, why would you want to have sex?"

"Hm, well. You're young. You might change your mind."

You stare at him, completely unamused. "No," you say, "Take a left here."

**=== >**

"Hey Dave?" Jade whispers, leaning in towards you. You look up from your computer, cocking an eyebrow over your shades. Her big green eyes flick over to the other side of the room and back to you, "What in the world is Dirk doing?"

You look over to him -- he's folded into the chair he likes best, with Cal squished under his armpit, and he's on his computer, like you are.

"Probably getting his rocks off trolling the fuck out of some loser," you tell her. He's cooing at his computer, his typing fast and repetitive versus stuttering and hard, so he's probably actually coding, and immensely pleased with himself to boot.

"Are you sure?" she looks worried, but they've apparently spent a lot of time talking, so you're not surprised; "He's really. Twitchy."

You glance back again and yeah. He's rocking, but it's the slow, steady, back and forth kind, not his sharp, I'm-going-to-punch-something jerky movements.

"He's just a wierdo," you tell her. She frowns at you, mouth pinched in. "Means he's happy, don't worry about it."

And then John bursts out with, "OH MY GOD LOOK AT ALL THE SNOW."

You snort and John folds double over the back of the couch, all up in your business.

"Dave," he whines into your side, "Dave, come play in the snow with me."

"Is there like, totally three feet of snow like last year in Bee-ham?" you ask him. He groans and thumps his thighs against the back of the couch, jostling you.

"Come ooooon."

"Naw, I'm plenty chill on my own. Don't need any help with that."

"Dave, please? Your yard is so big."

"Thanks, hadn't noticed."

He unfolds from around the couch and dumps his chin on your shoulder. You deadpan an "ouch" because that actually fucking hurt and he snickers an apology, followed by, "I'll let you stick your cold hands on me afterwards."

"Dude, gay."

"Yeah, but tempting." He waggles his eyebrows at you. "I'll give you my piece of whatever cake Dad's making."

"You're gonna do that anyway."

"You don't know that. Maybe I'll give my share to someone else. Maybe _I'll_ eat it."

Jade interjects, "I will happily take that extra cake off your hand!"

"See! Jade knows. She's totally gonna go play in the snow with me too. Right?"

"Yup!"

"See! You should totally come too, Dave. It'll be fun."

"Totally fun."

You're being double teamed to go out in the fucking snow, jesus dick. You grumble and pointedly stay exactly where you are, inside and warm.

"Dave, I will literally drag you out with us, don't think I won't."

You don't get a chance to snark back, because he grabs your laptop from you and literally fucking drags you backwards off the couch.

You wind up being carried to the door, bridal style, in just your jimjams. Jade bounces up to follow John and Rose, the traitorous bitch, _opens the fucking door_ for him. You shriek in a very unmanly fashion at the cold and do your best Mutie impression, trying to claw your way over John's shoulders to get the fuck away from the cold air and the cold ground and the _cold fucking snow that's landing on your bare fucking skin_.

"Jeeze, Dave stop struggling, I'll drop you."

"If you drop me, then I can go back inside!"

"Nope, I'll just scoop you up again." The asshole is laughing at you.

"I don't need to be so chill I get hypothermia, asshat." He just laughs harder. You whine, "Can I at least get actually dressed?"

"Yeah, sure. I need to, too."

You grumble, "At least you have a fucking coat. And shoes."

Jade's just in the door when John starts carting you back, lacing up her boots. She give you (or maybe John; you can't quite tell because he's still carrying you, the Hodor to your Bran Stark, fuck.) a thumbs up. You continue with your fantastic impression of your sister's cat, taking what John dishes out patiently because he will end up putting you down and then you will exact your revenge.

(He carries you up the stairs too.)

(And then into your room.)

(He carried you all the way up to your fucking room like he's Prince Charming.)

When you get to your room, he sets you down and closes the door.

"You're cute when you're angry," he tells you, leaning up on his toes to kiss you. You almost don't kiss him back, but you're a loser with a hugely homo squish crush on your best friend.

"So you were being a dick because you _like_ me."

"Haha, no, I wasn't _flirting_ , gosh. It's just funny how you get all shrieky."

"You are actually a four year old, aren't you? You are four and a huge asshole."

He laughs and kisses you again, "Hurry up and get dressed, stupid."

You stick your tongue out at him but shuffle away to put on something more substantial than a teeshirt and flannel pjs. Something more substantial than _just_ your jimjams at least. Like fuck you're going to take off your already warm clothes.

**=== >**

"I can't do this," your brother sighs as he drapes himself over your back. You're squashed forward, your tits practically shoved into your bowl of mac and cheese. "Also," he adds, "That smells godly."

You stab some noodles and stick them in his face; "Want some?"

"Fuck no, that shit tastes like literal ass. It is a deceitful temptress and I will not fall for it again."

You snort and mumble, "Suit yourself," around a mouthful of shitty boxed mac and cheese, "One of my roomies makes a wicked baked mac and cheese though. Bet it'd be worth the equally wicked shits."

He shoves your face toward your bowl with a grimace and you choke on your laughter and also your lunch.

"But seriously," he sighs, flopping dramatically across the counter, "what even are feels? We just don't know."

"Dude why are you even asking me? I've the homos for my best friend," you gesture with your fork, "Who's straight."

"Rose is busy talking to her girlfriend," he croons the last word, pouting at you from the crook of his arm. You roll your eyes. "All I want to do is suck a tee-vee star's dick. The universe is conspiring against me to keep this from happening."

"Woe is you, bro."

"Woe is me."

He stares at you expectantly. You casually finish your lunch, ignoring him, but he just doesn't let up.

He even shuffles after you when you go to ditch your dishes in the sink.

And then when you wander over to the fridge for some sweet, sweet aj.

"Okay, dude, seriously. Like, wear a shirt less often or something, your man crush seemed to dig your sculpted douche abs."

"Really?" Insert kawaii desu anime sparkles. You roll your eyes and heave a deep, soul wrenching sigh.

"Your glorious, naked musculature makes your television boyfriend's kokoro go doki doki."

"He is not my boyfriend though."

"Suck his dick, be the boyfriend -- " wait, " -- That doesn't even make sense, never mind."

"You don't make sense."

"Your _mom_ doesn't make sense."

And from the hallway, Mom calls, "I heard that!" and Dirk snickers at you.

**=== >**

The sound of a car pulling up the drive, surprisingly, overpowers John's anti-cake whining. Rose hops up with a grin, walking to the door in a way she'd describe as "brisk" and you'd describe as "excited as fuck".

"Someone seems to have replaced my twin with a poorly programed robot," you call after her.

She returns, "Fuck you."

There's a sharp knock and Rose pulls the door open just as Mom returns from the kitchen.

"Kanaya, dear, it's so nice to meet you," Mom says, "Wow, you are super hot."

"Mom!"

Rose's mythical girlfriend comes into view and you whistle, "Nice going, Sis. I'm almost jealous."

You and your twin seem to be incapable of liking anyone who isn't ridiculously attractive. Jade bounces excitedly at your feet and you tie off the (ironic) braid you were working on so she can hop up and greet the newest addition to your house.

(She's a lot like her dog, which is kind of hilarious. You like her a lot more than her dog though.)

"Hi, I'm Jade," she says, "I like your headscarve."

You now know why she and Dirk get along so well. They have about the same level of tact.

Rose has gone thin lipped and pink though her cheeks. You haven't seen your sister this flustered since she first came out. She snaps, "Can't a woman take her coat off before you all start harassing her?"

"No, it's fine, I don't mind," Kanaya says, holding her hands up pacifying. She really is quite pretty. You kind of hope she'll be up to modeling for you.

Rose hangs up her girlfriend's coat and shoots metaphorical brain lasers your way. You take that look to mean "don't be a dick".

"Let me give you the grand tour, love," your sister tells her girlfriend, arm around her waist to walk off away from everyone else.

You're a dick despite your sister's twin-esp warning; "Don't do anything I wouldn't."

"I am so sorry, this was such a bad idea. Everyone in my family is obnoxious."

Sweet, sweet revenge.


	20. PICKLED PUNKS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck almost forgot. This chapter references stuff that goes on in the DirkJake bonus ~~porn~~ content located [here](http://redux3.tumblr.com/post/43092180318/happy-valentines-day-have-5k-of-dirkjake-porn).

===>

Kanaya's phone rings. She starts, surprised, before digging it out of her purse, rolling her eyes when she sees the caller.

"His royal highness beckons, my love," she says, leaning in to peck your sister on the lips. She swipes the phone unlocked and answers. She doesn't even get a greeting in before a tinny voice filters loudly through the speaker.

"Oh my _cod_ Kan, you would not even _believe_ the bitchfit my ma just threw over my shoes," the caller throws on a shrill falsetto, "Eridan, don't you dare wear _heels_ to the family Christmas party, do you _want_ to give yer grandfather a heart attack?" His voice falls back to normal with an angry _tsk_ , "An' they weren't even heels. I _was_ going to wear my nice, violet winkle pickers, which, yeah, do have a bit a' heel, but I'm fuckin' _short_. My baby sister is taller than me, so a _course_ I'mma wear shoes with a bit a height to 'em. But _apparently_ the clicking of a nice, solid pair a shoes is too _feminine _. _God forbid_ I give my dear ol' granddad an aneurism because I like nice clothes."__

__"Wear the pinstripe suit, dear, the one I just finished -- "_ _

__"I _am_ , jus' with the 'lectric purple waistcoat an' you can't _see_ the corset, which gives me im _pec_ able posture, so really ma should _encourage_ me wearin' it. In fact, Cronus should really get fitted for one too. Lord knows he needs it. Ain't no one in the family who slouches more 'n him._ _

__"An' now that I can't wear these winkle pickers, I gotta reconfigure my whole outfit _and_ Elly's -- I got her this turbo fab little black thing that's jus' the right level a teenagers-don'-actually-know-how-to-dress-well while still actually bein' halfway fuckin' decent -- "_ _

__Kanaya gives up on actually holding a conversation and turns on speaker phone. Not that everyone couldn't hear before._ _

__"I was even gonna let her borrow a pair a my heels -- the little shit's got feet like a fuckin' mammoth -- but nope. Gotta figure out a _whole somethin' else_ 'cause my ma's inferiority complex means I can't look better 'n her."_ _

__You do your best not to laugh._ _

__The caller sighs heavily, rattling the phone's speaker._ _

__"What's Elly's dress like?" Kanaya prompts._ _

__"Strapless empire waist fallin' 'bout mid-thigh made a this sparkly chiffon. Boring but not bad."_ _

__"If it's not too big through her shoulders, have her wear your velvet crop jacket, to match your waistcoat. Black tights if she has them, and black flats so you don't have to wear anything with height yourself."_ _

__"I'm still gonna, Kan, I don' give a fuck. Even when everyone else is _sittin'_ an' I'm not I'm hella short." He yells away from the phone, "Gimme a gosh darned minute okay?_ _

__"Ugh, sorry Kan. I should just fuck 'em all and go down wearin' a gown and blow 'em all outta the water. All this fussin' over my way a dressin' is gettin' on my last nerve and I honestly just don't _care_ what they think anymore."_ _

__"But you're abysmal at packing and there's no way you'd get all your stuff out of their house when they kick you out."_ _

__"Yeeaaah." This is better than a soap opera. You think that is the most dramatic sigh you've ever heard._ _

__"Fuck I shoulda been dressed like, ten minutes ago. Suit's probably gonna be easier at this point anyway. Got too much purple to properly match shoes to a dress without a couple  
days a notice."_ _

__"When in doubt, wear black."_ _

__An undoubtedly manly chuckle rings through Kanaya's phone speaker, "That's the plan, hon. But I gotta go. Later darlin'."_ _

__He hangs up without giving Kanaya a chance to reply and you raise one eyebrow. "You're friends with Miss Gay Texas?" you ask._ _

__"He's from Georgia, actually," Kanaya says with deadpan you'd applaud, tucking her phone back into her purse. John and Jade burst into laughter at the way she drawls "Georgia", copying the queen's accent and you look at your sister. She lifts her hands, palm out, and shrugs._ _

__"Oh hush. You love him as much as I do," Kanaya tells her with a wry smirk._ _

__You snicker at the way your sister tries to come up with a retort while still maintaining the stupid aloof act she decided to adopt. Jake wanders out of the kitchen and says, "There's hot chocolate if anyone's interested," to which John and Jade both hop up with excited "yes"es. You drape yourself across the warm spot John vacated._ _

__"You have my complete permission to fuck the shit outta my twin, by the way," you tell Kanaya and Rose throws a pillow at your face._ _

__"You say that as though I haven't been," she snarks back as she glides to the kitchen as well._ _

__You grin at your twin, "I like her."_ _

__"I'd hate to see how you'd act if you didn't."_ _

__"Oh come on, he's not being _that_ dumb," John says, ever your rescuer. He hands you a cup of the hot chocolate and drops onto the couch next to you. His arm automatically drapes behind your shoulders, across the back of the couch. "Besides," John adds, "you did sort of suggest that me and him had sex the other day so it's sort of fair."_ _

__Jade and Kanaya snicker and Rose gives you A Look. You shrug and roll your eyes. It's not like you can help John being totally gay for you._ _

__ ===> _ _

__You're on your third terrible Christmas movie, this one chosen by John, and you're half asleep in his lap. Granted, it's like, three in the morning or something and Jade's already passed out on the floor (your sister and her girlfriend bailed on you at the end of Rose's movie choice) so it's not like anyone is around to see. But it's still a little weird. John's been stroking your jaw for like, the last twenty minutes and you're not quite sure what to make of that._ _

__You don't whine when you ask him, "Can we go to bed already?"_ _

__"This is such a good movie though!"_ _

__"Dude, I can only take so much Tim Allen prancing around in a fat suit before my eyes start bleeding. Let's go to bed."_ _

__His thumb stills against your neck and he looks down at you. The light from the tv lights up his glasses so you can't see his eyes past them, but he smirks as he asks, "You gonna make me sleep on the couch again?"_ _

__You roll your eyes, "No honey, you can come to bed with me. Just as long as we go now."_ _

__He pretends to think, or you assume he does, before he grins and paps your shoulder. "Sure! Lemme wake Jade too, so she can sleep in an actual bed."_ _

__You roll off him so he can get up and pad off to your room._ _

__This time you get to watch as he climbs into your loft with you and you almost have him stop halfway up so you can draw him or take photo reference or something because _damn_. He really puts his mangrit to good use sometimes._ _

__He catches you staring and waggles his eyebrows at you. "Like what you see?"_ _

__You just roll your eyes and huff a sigh in return as he hauls himself the rest of the way up._ _

__"You totally like what you see," he snickers, bumping his nose against yours as he leans into you. You tilt your face to give him a quick peck._ _

__"Naw dude, you're fugly as shit."_ _

__He laughs at that and kisses you again, his hand coming back up to touch at your jaw. You don't mind so much, even when his fingers trail down your neck so he can thumb at your collar bone. It's sort of nice, really, though his warm hand against your skin is making you nip the fuck out. You should like. Turn up the heat in your room, or wrap up in blankets or something, jesus christ you're practically cutting through your shirt._ _

__His hand slides down your chest a little, palm brushing over your tit. You make a face, but he pulls away immediately, sniggering a little._ _

__"Woah, hi there," he says to your chest. And then he fucking pokes you. Right in the tit._ _

__"Ow, fuck." You smack his hand away and cover your abused flesh with your own, pressing it flat against your ribs. "Leave my unauthorized chest boners alone."_ _

__John snorts and shifts his hips. You raise your eyebrow._ _

__ ===> JOHN : HAVE YOUR OWN UNAUTHORIZED BONER _ _

__Yeah. That is definitely a thing. It's a pretty obvious thing too. Your pj's really do not tame your boner well._ _

__It's sort of standing out really awkwardly and Dave's staring at it. You were doing a pretty good job of ignoring it while you were kissing but then you accidentally touched Dave's boob and went from a kissing-is-nice semi to a full blown hard on in the time it took you to realize that was a nipple you were feeling._ _

__And Dave's staring at it, which really doesn't help, for some reason. You think you should say something, but all you get out is, "Uh," followed by a nervous laugh because wow, Dave is really hot and he's staring at your dick._ _

__He looks back up at your face and even in the dark you can see how hard he's blushing. He says, "Can I watch?"_ _

__"Wh-what?"_ _

__Dave shrugs and looks away. "If you jerk off, can I watch?"_ _

__Holy shit. You find that way hotter than you probably should._ _

__"Um, okay? Why not watch porn though?" Wait, fuck. You actually agreed. That was not what you meant to do. Dave pulls a face and shrugs again._ _

__"Porn's gross."_ _

__"So instead you ask your friend to jack off for you."_ _

__He snickers at that, covering his face with one hand. "Okay yeah, point taken. At least I'm not going to be surprised by like, more chest hair than a woolly mammoth."_ _

__He too has a point. You've never really watched any gay porn -- you didn't even know Dave liked guys like, aesthetically or however -- so you don't really know how often that sort of thing happens, but you're always sort of weirded out when the porn your watching involves an extra hairy dude. Especially when they shave their junk._ _

__Your boner deflates a little with all the talk of other dude's boners, but then Dave bites his lip and _shit_. He's sort of unfairly pretty._ _

__"You don't have to if you don't wanna," he tells you all of a sudden, his words falling out in a rush, "but I'm curious and I _like_ you so it's less weird than trying to slog through porn and shit."_ _

__"No, it, it's okay," you give another awkward chuckle, "just kind of weird."_ _

__You settle back against his pillows, half slouched, and inch your pants down. You glance back at Dave, who watches you intently. You swallow hard and whip out your dick. You figure you have no reason to be shy; after all, he's jerked you off before._ _

__Wow, you know, put like that, this whole thing sounds really strange. You should probably be really questioning what you're doing here, but Dave is apparently the exception to every rule out there. Especially with the way he's leaning forward, one arm planted between his knees for balance. It pushes what little boob he has together, and with his nipples still hard through his shirt..._ _

__You kind of feel like a massive douche staring at his tits but he has his eyes glued to your dick and if he feels any shame about it, it's definitely not showing. You, on the other hand, feel like you're burning through with embarrassment._ _

__"That it?" Dave asks, "D'you just like, pull your dick out and then contemplate the meaning of the universe?"_ _

__You laugh and your dick arches up into your waiting hand; "Yes, that is _exactly_ how I jerk off."_ _

__He grins at you and you give your dick a squeeze._ _

__Mostly, you try to ignore him and pointedly focus on your hand on your dick. You actually don't do so well. Instead of focusing on _your_ hand, you somehow keep trying to think back on the way Dave's hand felt on your dick instead. It really doesn't help when Dave lays down next to you, his head on your shoulder and his body plastered to your side. His breath on your neck is both distracting and sort of really exciting._ _

__You think a couple of times he wants to say something, but he never does. Every time, the wet sound of his lips parting makes you shiver._ _

__One of your arms is trapped against your side, pinned there by his body, and you fist those fingers around a handful of your pants, breathing hard through your nose. This is nothing like the time you jerked off next to him while he slept, before you knew what your dick in his hand felt like. Then, the excitement came from thinking he might wake up and catch you in the act. Now though, you're thrilled by the idea that he could be touching you, but he's not. And it's not because he doesn't want to, or, you guess, mind touching you, but because he's decided he'd rather watch you touch yourself._ _

__You think maybe you're a bit of an exhibitionist?_ _

__He touches the tip of one of his fingers against the head of your dick as it slides through your grip, slick and shiny with precome._ _

__Shit._ _

__"Could you push my shirt up?" you ask him, barely above a whisper. He does so, mumbling a, "Yeah, sure," and you bite down on your lip to keep from groaning at the feel of his hand sliding up your torso. His fingers skate back down your skin after he's shoved your shirt up around your ribs and you just._ _

__Fuck._ _

__Your hips twitch up when you come, oozing across your fingers to drip onto your stomach. You breathe a moan and shudder as Dave presses his lips to your shoulder._ _

__"Huh," Dave says when you're done, mouth moving against your t-shirt, "It doesn't go all at once."_ _

__"Uh. No? Why would you think it does?"_ _

__"Well it's not like I'm exactly equipped to know dicks squirt like arterial spray."_ _

__"Oh my god, Dave, that's so gross, go away. Get me a towel and go away."_ _

__He snickers and peels himself away from you, crawling to the end of the bed. It's a bit of a deja vu moment, but he doesn't strip off his shirt. Instead, he plucks a handful of tissues from a box wedged between a stack of books and the wall and returns to your side. You mop of the mess you made on your stomach._ _

__When you're done, he offers you his tiny loft garbage bin and snuggles down in his nest._ _

__"That was cool," he says, "Thanks."_ _

__You're not sure what to say to that._ _

__ ===> DAVE : WAKE UP _ _

__You will get right on that._ _

__Maybe in a couple of minutes. You're pretty damn comfy right now. Egbert makes a freaking awesome bed heater._ _

__You continue to snuggle your best bro for a couple of minutes before giving into your bodily demands. You greatly require a piss and some breakfast. And coffee._ _

__And motherfucking presents._ _

__John grumbles when you climb over him to get out of the loft, pulling the blanket over his head. You swing your feet out onto the dresser under the opening in the lofts railing and poke him in the head._ _

__"Wake up, loser."_ _

__He makes more disgruntled, half-asleep noises and you grin, putting on your vest before shuffling off to the bathroom. You pull the shirt you slept in back over your head as you go. Holidays are firmly designated as jimjams only in your house._ _

__Downstairs, you find Dad already in the kitchen, working on breakfast. Or rather, brunch; the microwave informs you that it's a little before noon. He's wearing slacks and a horrible Christmas sweater, bad enough that you choke on your coffee when you actually see the front as he turns to greet you. You think it lights up._ _

__Kanaya's also up, helping Dad cook, and you find it really funny that your twin's girlfriend is bonding with your boyfriend's dad._ _

__Wait, fuck. Where did that come from? John's not your boyfriend._ _

__You find it funny that your twin's girlfriend is bonding with your best friend's dad, who she has no reason to impress. There we go._ _

__(They're both fully dressed and thus against dress code, but you don't have the heart to tell them to change.)_ _

__Everybody else migrates to the kitchen in short order, just in time for the oven to ding and relinquish delicious baked goods, and your house goes from "early morning quiet" to "it's fucking Christmas" clamor. John's still extra excited over the fact that he's having an actual white Christmas (which you could probably make into a dirty pun, considering last night, but whatever) and his excitement is infectious._ _

__You've got a hot, home made cinnamon roll and a stack of presents with your name on 'em._ _

__Fuck yeah._ _

__ ===> _ _

__There's a lot of knitted items and books passed around, unsurprisingly. Jake gives everyone really strange knick knacks from all over the world (you got a totally sweet engraved bone, which probably doesn't actually count as a knick knack, but Jake assures you it came from a souvenir shop in New Zeland). Your bro gets a handful of old school Ponies courtesy of Jade and somehow Dad managed to find an ancient magazine featuring the 1987 arcade world champs, which makes your mom cry as she shows everyone the picture of her sixteen year old self featured within, draped over the Space Invaders machine in hot pink leg warmers._ _

__Then Jade passes off her present to you and you top your mom's reaction to the vintage gamer magazine. You now have a tiny fucking _fetus in a jar_. It's a bouncer, sure, but it's the size of your hand and a fucking _fetus_ in a _jar_. You shriek like a prepubescent girl at a Beiber concert and run upstairs to stick it with the rest of your babies. Its jar fits nicely on top of the one holding one of Mutie's brothers._ _

__You're still grinning like crazy when you return and hug the fuck out of Jade._ _

__"How did you even find one so small?" you ask her, eyes wide. You've only ever found late term pickled punks, which are cool, yeah (you have two), but the itty, gross, alien looking thing she got you is so great and you've really _never_ found them so young._ _

__"I had it custom made," Jade says, shrugging like it's not a big deal. Which it totally is. You sort of wish you had kept it on you so you could look at it some more._ _

__And then John chucks another package at your face. You just barely manage to catch it. John says, "Chill out dude."_ _

__"But it's so cool," you stress, wrestling the ribbon off your present. For being so squishy, it's proving quite difficult. You get it off and fling it at his head. The wrapping paper yields and reveals white snowflakes on horrific pink. John waggles his eyebrows at you and you snicker at the terrible jimjams he apparently deemed ironic enough for a present._ _

__He was right. They're terrible. There's _rhinestones_._ _

__You figure you might as well put them on. You're already wearing the sweater Rose knitted you (which, this year, is actually this really awesome military style jumper, rather than a hilaribad abomination)._ _

__They don't fit you at all. They're too short and a little too loose around your hips but they're just so god damned _bad_._ _

__They're perfect._ _

__ ===> _ _

__John and Jade are being good children, picking up the mass amounts of wrapping papper litering your living room. Mutie helps, pouncing between bits of paper like he's a kitten again. It's cute. It's also pretty cute how John keeps having to scoop him up in one hand, because Mutie keeps wrecking his nice, neat pile of paper scraps._ _

__Mutie ends up with a bow on his head, courtesy of Jade, which makes him tear off like the angriest motherfucker._ _

__Dirk's still wedged into his corner of the couch, staring at the blank tv screen. You sidle up to him and hand him your headphones. It's pretty quiet now, for all the people still in the room, so you're free to share the sick beats you mixed for your bro. You get the track set up on your ipod and say, "Merry Christmas."_ _

__You wait until he he's done fussing with the headphones, squinting for the tiny L and R on them so he has them in the right way 'round, before you hit play. You pass your ipod over to him too, in the end, so he can adjust the volume himself. The track name is pretty unassuming, so you don't have to worry about your surprise being given away._ _

__You settle back so you can watch his reaction._ _

__The first forty seconds or so has him with his standard blankface, eyes downcast behind his shades as he listens. And then he smirks, just a little, and you fight your own grin. That would be where you snagged the line Jake says at the beginning of each episode of his show._ _

__And this would be the bass drop._ _

__Dirk's head dips a bit with the influx of bass, which you can almost hear yourself, and he's still got his little grin. You're pretty fucking chuffed he likes the track so far._ _

__It's got to be closing in on a minute and a half now, where shit _really_ goes down. It's completely obvious when it does, because Dirk's eyebrows steadily raise over his shades, his mouth pressed into a thin line as his face turns red._ _

__You snicker as he just gets redder and redder. All the samples you took from his favourite show seem to have had the desired effect. He looks at you with his thoroughly freaked out face and whispers, "That is exactly what he sounds like."_ _

__You just about die laughing._ _


	21. SUPER MANLY SEX APPEAL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up for mild consent issues.

===> JOHN : HAVE YOUR JIMMIES RUSTLED

Oh jeeze, Dave's doing it again. And by "it" you mean he's sort of casually shoved his hand down the front of your pants. Again. And you are thoroughly embarrassed at how quickly your body reacts to the stimulus. Again.

You suppose you had been hoping it was a one off experimental thing for Dave, which is, you keep telling yourself, why you let it happen the first time (not counting how he asked you to jerk off for him because that was so totally, obviously out of no homo curiosity) but oh god his fingers are long and rough with callouses but unbelievably gentle as he fondles you, like he thinks your dick'll break if he's not careful. It's pretty cute, really.

And it's thoughts like those that you really shouldn't be having.

===> JOHN : QUIT HAVING THOSE THOUGHTS

You're trying! But Dave is pressing his lips against the back of your neck in tiny little kisses as he runs his fingertips up and down your length.

"Dave?" you ask, your voice cracking like you're fifteen again, in the midst of your very first handjob. He hums against your neck, the sound content. You lick your lips and press on; "That's my dick, Dave. You're touching it. Uh, again."

You can feel the way his lips quirk up in a smirk before he retorts, "Isn't that what you said last time?"

Is it? You're not sure. You guess you could have phrased your confusion similarly, but that's besides the point.

His voice is so soft when the next time he speaks you almost don't hear what he says when he murmurs, "Did you want me to stop?"

You really, really don't. His hand feels so nice, teasing you unintentionally. You shake your head and whisper, "No."

At that, he wraps his fingers around you fully. His grip is firm, but not quite firm enough, and you guiltily wish you could fuck him because there's no way he'd be anything but tight and hot and _amazing_. Instead, you get to fuck his hand, which, really, you shouldn't complain about because it's still pretty awesome in it's own really awkward way.

You wrap your own fingers around his, correcting his grip, squeezing him tighter around you. He makes a confused noise _right_ into your _ear_ and fuck, that was hot.

You barely manage to croak out, "Tighter."

His fingers clamp down, squeezing you in a deathgrip for a second before loosening just a little and _there_. That is perfect, right down to the way his thumb slides up to rest under your head.

"Doing everything like last time," he mumbles, stroking you with a steadily weaker grip.

"Hadn't gotten off as recently last time," you mutter back.

He snorts, "What, you don't jerk it in the shower?"

"No, gross! Why? Do you?"

He laughs at that, "Fuck no."

You're a little disappointed. The thought of him all wet and soapy with a hand between his thighs and his lip between his teeth to muffle his moans was a good one. Definitely an idea your dick approves of, judging by the way it throbs in his grip.

He returns to just running the tips of his fingers against your erection after a moment, tracing the shape of it with gentle touches.

"Tease," you hiss, fighting the urge to simply roll over and shove your tongue down his throat, to grope at his ass as you grind against his bony hips. He just shrugs and you're positive he's got a self satisfied smirk plastered across his face.

You really need a girlfriend. All this sexual frustration is making you go weird.

In the meantime, you guide Dave back into jerking you off, keeping your hand over his to guide his motions.

===> DAVE : QUESTION WHY YOU'RE DOING THIS

There's no reason to. You know why; it's fascinating and... nice. Intimate in a way that John enjoys but doesn't weird you out.

You should probably just ask him out. Then again, asking someone if they wanna go steady while your hand is down their pants is probably not the best way to go about it. Welp.

===> DAVE : CONTINUE WITH WHAT YOU'RE DOING THEN

Yup, that is a thing you will do.

You prop yourself up on the elbow belonging to the arm that is not currently being used to fondle your best friend's junk. He turns his head just far enough to peek at you with one too-blue eye and then his dick flexes in your grip and you give him a squeeze in response and holy _shit_ the way his eyes roll back at that as he gives a shuddery moan is just.

Wow.

Awesome.

You can't help the pleased grin that spreads across your face as you lean a little further over him, migrating from behind him to his side instead.

===> JOHN : CORRECT DAVE'S GRIP AGAIN

You do so, rolling onto your back. You keep your hand on his, on your dick, keeping it moving the way you want it as you watch him watch you with your half blind, half closed eyes. The pad of his thumb presses against underside of your head just right and you breathe another moan.

And then Dave licks his lips and shifts his hips next to yours and the way his thighs rub together has his boxers to riding up and oh _jeeze_.

You buck into your combined hands, flesh catching on flesh, and curl your toes into the sheets. Dave squirms around more, rising to his knees, and the angle of his arm has the elastic of your boxers biting into your hips so you shove them down as best you can with only one hand, and Jesus _Christ_ , Dave's biting his bottom lip and focusing on you so intently. You reach up with both hands to grab the front of his tee shirt and drag him to you. He drops your dick in favour of splaying his sticky fingers against your hip as he squawks in surprise but that's okay because seconds later you've got your fingers in his hair and your tongue halfway down his throat and fuck, it's so nice.

You retrieve your tongue from his mouth, biting at his lips instead. Dave makes a muffled noise that sets your blood on fire and you fumble for your dick. He's panting and trembling in your lap and fuck, nothing has _ever_ been hotter.

You come hissing a string of obscenities to Dave's teeth.

===> DAVE : REWIND

You are now Dave exactly one minute and forty-three seconds prior to John's orgasm. You are also currently very surprised at the sudden ferocity John displays as he grabs hold of your shirt and pulls you down, which, honestly, sort of freaks you out.

One minute, thirty-eight seconds prior to John's orgasm, you are really freaking out. You're not sure what you were expecting when John started to pull you over, but it was definitely not a round of one sided tonsil hockey while he simultaneously (and thankfully, unsuccessfully) attempts to rip out half your hair. You swing one leg over his to keep from losing your balance like you lost your cool, and just when you finish processing the fact that your best friend's tongue is mapping out your esophagus, he pulls away to chew at your lips instead. Your gasp is muffled behind your teeth, and one minute, thirty-four seconds prior to John's orgasm, he groans into your mouth as he fists his dick.

One minute, twelve seconds prior to John's orgasm, panic hits you and you freeze. John undulates under you, writhing and rocking his hips as he mashes his mouth against yours and you do your best to keep your breathing under control.

Forty-one seconds prior to John's orgasm, his grip in your hair tightens and you realize you're shaking.

Thirty-six seconds prior to John's orgasm, he starts chanting "fuck" like it's a Hail Mary and he must reach a certain number of them before he attains rapture.

Twelve seconds prior to John's orgasm, he chokes on a moan and you finally manage to close your eyes while you wait it out.

Three seconds prior to John's orgasm, he arches up far enough that his knuckles brush your stomach as he jerks off.

And then he comes, drawing out the vowel in one last curse like he's pulling taffy and you open your eyes.

Six seconds post orgasm, John sighs and starts to relax.

Nine seconds post orgasm, he hums contentedly, sliding his hand from your hair, and you swallow hard.

Ten seconds post orgasm, his mouth spreads in a lazy grin and his eyes open.

===> JOHN : OPEN YOUR EYES

Oh man, so much effort is needed for that. You're exhausted from how unbelievably hard you came and so very content in your bliss. You're dimly aware of how you're grinning against Dave's lips, how he's breathing hard against yours in turn. Just wow.

You suppose you should actually look at him when you offer to return the favour, so you open your eyes.

And you are immediately confronted with wide, milky blue on red eyes set in a face so pale every freckle is cast in stark relief.

Fuck.

Belatedly, you realize that Dave wasn't trembling in want, but in fear. He was shaking and panting and wound tighter than a bow string because you terrified him. Your stomach drops and all the contented warmth you had chills. You feel sick.

Dave is the first to speak, licking his lips before he says, "Enjoyed yourself then?"

Then apologies are pouring from your mouth as fast as your tongue can wrap around the words, and if he weren't still straddling your hips you would have bolted for the opposite side of the room faster than the speed of light so you wouldn't have to be reminded of how fucking hot it is to have him hovering over you.

"I am so sorry. That was completely fucked up, and, and _fuck_ , I'm sorry. I really am -- "

He closes his eyes; colour has returned to his face and he doesn't look like he's about to puke anymore.

"Oh god, does that count as rape? I just totally -- "

He snickers.

"Fuck you, it's not funny!"

"Yes, you totally violated me by macking on me after I went to jerk you off, how can I ever get married now," and then he kisses you, light and chaste and on the lips before climbing off your lap and telling you to go clean off your "nasty, spunk covered crotchal region."

Wait, wait, what?

===> JOHN : BE THE OTHER GUY

You are now Dave Strider three minutes, forty six seconds after John's orgasm and the pair of resulting freak outs.

Which begs the question, why aren't you still freaking out?

Simple. You guess you're pretty okay with what happened. You weren't expecting it and it surprised the fuck out of you and yeah, you'd rather John didn't go that aggro, but John enjoyed it right up to the point where he noticed you flipping your shit and so it's cool. Because John liked it, and he liked it a _lot_ , and you are so unbelievably stupid for him so you don't mind.

Things that you now know are okay : smooching John full on the mouth while he comes.

Relatedly : sitting in his lap while he does so is still kind of weird.

Good things to know.

===> DAVE : GO BACK TO BEING JOHN

You return to being John, holed up in the bathroom in just your sticky boxers, clutching your phone in hand like it's a lifeline. Or maybe like a lifeline you're too stupid to notice is actually a knife, and a very sharp one at that.

EB : rose.  
EB : oh god rose.  
EB : i fucked up.  
EB : in a big way.  
EB : i totally forced myself on dave.  
TT : I beg your pardon?  
EB : kissed him! with a lot of tongue while his hand was down my pants and without like asking him if it was okay first.  
EB : i'm an asshole.  
EB : and now he's being all creepy stepford wife like i totally didn't stuff my tongue down his throat.  
EB : aosdhgaga'd  
TT : Well then, I would assume that Dave is perfectly fine with this turn of events, considering you're still conscious and have the ability to text me at a god awful hour about how you acquainted yourself with Dave's stomach via you're tongue.  
EB : that's the wrong "you're".  
EB : oh man, does that mean you're going to kill me now? because you totally lost handle on your crazy awesome grammar.  
TT : John, what time is it?  
EB : like, midnight?  
TT : Which means it's what time for me?  
EB : ..... oh.  
EB : sorry.  
TT : Not as sorry as you'll be if it turns out Dave didn't enjoy, or at the very least accept, your actions. It is, after all, possible that he's waiting for the best possible moment to exact his revenge. I would watch your back.  
EB : i am so screwed.  
TT : Yes you are. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going back to bed.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] has logged out at [00:21]! --

===> JOHN : CONTINUE TO FREAK OUT

You really don't feel any better about what just happened. In fact, you might feel a little worse, because, seriously, that was really, really, REALLY bad.

===> JOHN : TEXT SOMEONE ELSE

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at [00:21] ! --

EB : jade?  
GG : yup? :3  
EB : oh thank fuck.  
EB : ao0gdha'dg  
GG : you okay? :?  
EB : i totally just completely violated dave and now he's acting like it's totes the coolest thing that ever happened to him and rose is pisseed because i both woke her up and voiolated her bro and i think one of them is going to kill me.  
GG : woah :O  
GG : okay then  
GG : so you and dave had sex and he liked it and now you're freaking out why?  
EB : we didn't have sex!  
EB : he has like, this fascination with my dick, idek and he went to jerk me off and i somehow decided that kissing him would be the absolute best thing because he just had this FACE and then he looked like he was going to puke and then he went all pokerfaced again but like a creepy stepford wife.  
EB : and then i went to ask rose for help but she's three hours ahead of us so she was asleep and also i violated her brother and she was really ominous!  
GG : :T  
EB : i think it's her professional opinion that i am going to die.  
GG : well....  
GG : you like him right?  
EB : i don't know.  
GG : i think you like him :T  
GG : and im pretty sure he likes you too!!  
GG : maybe you just scared him with your super manly sex appeal? :D  
EB : yeah, sure.  
GG : or maybe you should just  
GG : you know  
GG : talk to him  
EB : but he's going to kill me jade!  
GG : oh shut up  
GG : he is not going to kill you  
GG : youre just a big wussy!!  
EB : i am not!  
EB : oh shit, i think he's at the door.  
GG : :?

===> JOHN : UNLOCK THE BATHROOM DOOR

Yeah, okay, you guess you can. The lock is really easy to jimmy open anyway so even if you don't, he could still get in. You really hope he hasn't spent the time you've been hidden away to find something sharp and deadly.

===> JOHN : JUST OPEN THE DOOR ALREADY

Yeah, you do that. Dave's just chilling on the other side, leaned up against the wall across from the door. His arms are crossed over his chest, hiding where his boobs would be, and he has one hip cocked out, ankles crossed, shades in place. There are, however, no immediately visible objects that are either sharp or deadly, or any combination of the two.

Still, to be safe, you ask, "You're not gonna kill me, right?"

He snorts at that, "Naw."

"And you're not gonna let anyone else kill me, right?"

That has him actually cracking a grin. You, yourself, relax a little.

"Naw, I get it. Hard to resist this fine Strider ass, huh?"

You snicker nervously, "Pfft, oh my god, Dave, you are such a loser."

"Yeah, yeah, pot, kettle, the whole shebang. Let's go back to bed, okay?"

You do so, and Dave curls up against your back as usual, one arm slung across your chest, so maybe you aren't going to be murdered in your sleep.

"Just," he says, quiet in the dark, "Just give me a little warning next time."

===>

GG : john?  
GG : john is everything okay??  
GG : youre actually talking to him right??  
GG : because you guys are totally super cute together  
GG : come oooooon!!!  
GG : answer me john!!!! :O  
GG : a9ohgag  
GG : you suck butts john  
GG : i hope you know that  
GG : you had better let me in on all the deets in the morning okay????  
GG : youre not allowed to sink my ship!!!!  
GG : gosh!!

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at [00:43] ! --


	22. REALLY HOT GIRLFRIEND

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uuuugh ao3 y u hate meee???? oAo This should be the actual chapter this time. Heads up for SUDDENLY VRISKA.

===>

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] at [14:24] ! --   
EB : hey vriska.   
EB : wanna go see a movie sometime?   
AG : may8e   
AG : it depends   
AG : are you asking me out on a d8???????   
EB : uh, yeah, actually. if you're interested, i mean.   
AG : suuuuuuuure i suppose i could 8e :::;)   
AG : i'll 8e free at 8   
EB : sweet! i'll see you then :B   
===> DAVE : BE DISGRUNTLED

John just does not want to shut up about how he's dating that bitch Vriska. Seriously every other word out of his mouth is about her; it's all Vriska this and Vriska that and Jesus dick, you don't _care_. They've only been dating since this morning but you are already so over it.

So it's with a scowl that you detangle yourself from your vest without taking off your shirt (like a boss) while being told all about his date with Vriska. Or rather, aaaaaaaall.

Crazy eight obsessed spider bitch.

John's already in bed when you toss down your binder and step over. You give him a deadpan blank face as you wait for him to scoot over. He doesn't. He just grins at you and says, "Aw man, I've got a girlfriend now, bro."

Yeah. Okay, that's right. Whatever. You shrug and turn around.

===> DAVE : BE THE OTHER GUY

You are now John Egbert and you have totally just had the terrible experience of hurting your best friend with a single careless phrase.

Shit.

You feel terrible.

Fuck.

He's walking away, his shoulders hard and square, and you can't get the face he made when you denied him snuggles out of your head. You saw it for maybe a split second but now it's literally all you can see. He looked so hurt.

You roll over to your side, propping yourself up on one elbow to watch him crawl into his own bed for once. He doesn't spare you even a single glance. Not one. Nothing, class dismissed. You flop down with a sigh, curling up around the pillow Dave usually uses, watching as Dave buries himself under blankets.

You're a dick.

===> JOHN : STARE AT DAVE LIKE A LOVE SICK PUPPY

What, love sick puppy? No, you're dating Vriska now! Sure, you really like Dave; he _is_ your favourite person, after all, but he's _Dave_. He's your best bro, and while, yeah, he is totally hot and you really like cuddling with him and you _really_ liked the occasions where he jerks you off, he's... Dave. He's Dave and you can't date Dave because he's a _boy_ , no matter what his chromosomes and narrow waist and freaking adorable little boobs say. Dave is a boy and you are straight, and so you can't date Dave, end of story.

But... you suppose there's nothing wrong with cuddling your asexual friend ~~who sometimes gives you handjobs~~.

===> JOHN : GIVE IN

You give in. You've been sharing a bed with Dave for... woah, a whole year now. Why are you ~~denying yourself~~ stopping now? There's really no point in it.

You cross the room, practically silent. You can't even hear Dave breathing, but in the yellow glow of the street lamp outside, you can see the movement of his chest. You hesitate halfway up the ladder, for some stupid reason.

He's asleep. Without you. And you kind of want to run back to your own bed and pretend that it didn't hurt to realize that.

But you don't. You instead pick up the edge of his bottom most blanket and climb in behind him. Even as he scoots over, he bites out, "Thought you had a girlfriend, Egbert." There's venom in his voice, even though he's half asleep, and you cringe.

"Couldn't sleep," you murmur back, your lips brushing the nape of his neck, "And it's not really a big deal I guess."

His sigh is half muffled by pillows, but he snuggles back against you.

===> DAVE : BITCH

"Wait, John's _actually_ dating Vriska?"

"Yeah, that's what he said." You're not terribly happy with this whole situation. Karkat gapes at you.

"John's _dating_ Vriska. _Vriska_?"

You scoff. It'd probably be more accurate to say you're really fucking upset with this situation.

"Oh my _god_ , what a moron. Just, wow. I really hope he doesn't actually _like_ her because Vriska is fucking _terrible_ at anything even remotely _resembling_ a healthy relationship."

Karkat thumps the back of his skull against the couch with a massive eyeroll and you sink a little further into the cushions yourself. You're not pouting. Honestly, you're not even giving any indication that you're bothered by John's choice in dating material.

You are actually bothered. John's a great guy and he deserves so much better than that bitch. Then again, it's not like you're any better.

Karkles sighs hard through his nose and grumbles, "I really hope he doesn't pull the same shit Tav did, jesus dick I cannot deal with that sort of shitstorm again." You raise your eyebrow at him and he idly flips through the Netflix queue. "They had this on again, off again bullfuckery going on through most of high school. It was dumb."

"Tav dated _Vriska_?"

"Yeah, and it didn't end well. Seriously, why did you decide our instant queue _needed_ Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus?"

"Because Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus is the shit, duh." You really hope the... distress, worry? The whatever you're feeling doesn't show on your face.

"You have the shittiest taste in movies," he tells you.

"Yeah, look who's talking," you snap back and he snorts.

"Hey, fuck you, Fifty First Dates is gold and Adam Sandler is a comedic genius."

"I beg to differ. Adam Sandler has been absolute shit since he got married."

"No, you're just too wrapped up in your machismo to appreciate how god damned adorable his recent shit is."

"Did you actually pay attention to Click? If you tell me that shit was funny I will punch you. Even Christopher Walken couldn't save it."

Karkat stares at you, his eyebrows drawn in angrily. He spits, "It was fucking _hilarious_."

"No, I refuse to accept this. You do not know comedy, my friend. Come," you jerk the controller away from his grasp, "let us embark on an adventure into actually fucking decent stand up."

The two of you scowl at each other for a moment, but Karkat gives in.

"Okay, fucking _fine_ , but I will require glorious amounts of snacks if I'm going to put up with whatever limp dick wannabe you decide to throw on." He stands and stomps off to your kitchen; "Do you want anything?"

You make a non-committal sound as you throw on Bo and are rewarded with one of Karkat's Ben & Jerry's.

(You're betting he's figured out your thing for John.)

(In the end he agrees that Bo Burnham is literal comedic genius with _amazing_ linguistic abilities so you suppose it's okay.)

===> JOHN : DO SOMETHING

Do something? What is there to do? You're just doing what you do pretty much every night : getting your snuggle on with Dave. Nothing out of the ordinary, no siree. You didn't pop a massive boner the moment Dave rolled over and wrapped his arm around your waist. Nope, that's not a thing that happened. And he's totally not stroking his thumb along the waistband of your boxers. Of course not. Why would he?

And you most _definitely_ did NOT just moan his name. You have a girlfriend.

You have a _girlfriend_.

You. Have. A. GIRLFRIEND.

===> DAVE : STOP

You don't want to, you really don't. You _like_ fondling Egbert's junk like a drunken teenager. It's fun. You don't particularly want him to fondle you back, but you enjoy touching him. And he enjoys you touching him.

And he has a girlfriend, so you stop.

Even though it was _your name_ he moaned and your touch he wants as he whispers, "Please," against the top of your head, you stop.

You stop and you ignore the way your eyes sting with jealousy.

===> SO JOHN, HOW IS DATING VRISKA GOING?

Oh man, it's going great! In fact, you have a date tonight, and you're pretty sure you're going to get laid! Like, really-really laid, instead of just ending up with Dave's hand down your pants. Which is something that still really confuses you so you're just not going to think about it!

Instead, you're going to think about your smoking hot girlfriend!

Oh man, Vriska. She is. So great. Like, the greatest. She's crazy and also sort of mean, but really, she's a big softy once you get to know her. A softy with teeth. And, did you mention that she's hot? Because that is so totally a thing.

Now _her_ hand, you are totally okay with thinking about down your pants.

But you won't have to just think about it, because you have a date tonight!

===> JOHN : PROCEED THROUGH YOUR DATE

Can do! Pretty standard date stuff; dinner, movie, sloppy makeouts in the back row of the theatre, the like.

Naw, the big thing happens when she asks you back to her apartment. She says she's got the whole thing to her self with some very convincing eyebrow waggles.

Oh. Fuck. Yeah.

===> JOHN : GO BACK TO VRISKA'S PLACE

Happily! And with a bit of an awkward shuffle. You're just really excited, okay? You haven't gotten laid properly in like, a year and a half and knowing Dave has lady parts when the two of you are basically attached at the hip has left you with some weird thoughts that you're not going to think about anymore because, again, really hot girlfriend. Everything is totally cool now.

There's a whirlwind of clothes being removed starting the minute you get through the door, until the back of your knees knock against her bed and you fall on your ass. Vriska is right there in front of you, down to her bra and panties. They're lacy and almost see through and she is just.. so your type, with the tits and the ass and the full curvy figure. Just, unf.

And fuck, not only does her underwear match, it's this amazing gorgeous cherry red colour you didn't even know you loved so much, a colour that Dave would love too, you're sure, and maybe it's a trick of the light but you think she has freckles and gosh, her scars look really cool now that you can see them all the way.

And when she straddles your hips, she does it perfectly, without any of the awkward stumbling that Dave has.

And when you place your hands on her waist, she smirks at you and nudges your hand down, so your fingertips breach the waistband of her panties and wow, she is so totally the complete opposite of Dave. It's pretty cool.

Her flesh dimples under your fingers, pliant with womanly softness, not like Dave's ultra lean self, and she rocks her hips down onto yours. She bends over to kiss you too, as you grind together, and you grin against her lips. So awesome.

So totally awesome.

"John," she croons, drawing out your name with a pout. A porn star's pout -- did you mention your girlfriend is hot?? You can see the mischievous quirk at the very corners of her mouth and you grin even wider.

"Hey," you say, like a complete and utter moron, but it's okay because her lips slide into a smirk as she slithers down your body. She keeps eye contact the entire time.

Even when she presses those devious lips to the front of your underwear.

You think you may just implode. When she pulls you from your boxers, you hiss a curse, giggling nervously, and her eyes are still on your face, which is this weird, times two combo of REALLY HOT and REALLY AWKWARD.

Your girlfriend is really hot and gives really great head, wow. There's no way Dave could even begin to compare. One point to Vriska.

(One point? Who are you kidding. Vriska has all the points. All of them. She's a girl, and you like girls, so she automatically has more points than Dave, no matter what.)

(But wow, Dave giving head would be pretty hot, maybe? He'd have none of the cool confidence Vriska has, but he has really nice lips and. You're not going to follow that train of thought, actually. Nope.)

Instead you're going to think of Vriska's panties. Wow they are awesome. They are extra awesome since they're on your girlfriend.

(They'd also probably be really great on Dave -- he has boxers of a similar colour and gosh you really like panties.

You are very pointedly going to pretend that you are not thinking of your best friend wearing your girlfriend's underwear.)

(You are also going to pretend that it was Vriska who made you moan like that, and not Dave-in-panties.)

(You're so going to Hell.)

(In fact, you're pretty sure they have a level of Hell just for people like you and you will be subjected to the image of Dave in lacy panties while demon's laugh at your boner for all of eternity.)

Maybe if you were a more active participant...

===> JOHN : FLIP THE TWO OF YOU OVER

Well, you can't exactly do _that_ since you're on the bed and Vriska is between your knees on the floor. You do, however, sit forward and coax her up. She licks her lips, the movement so sexually charged you think you might have actually seen sparks. You kiss her. Hard. You relish the way her breath hitches in surprise before she moans into your mouth, her fingers gripping your shoulders.

You ease her onto her bed and take to memorizing her body -- Vriska's mouth, Vriska's neck, Vriska's part-behind-the-ear-that's-always-super-sensitive-no-matter-who-you-are, Vriska's collar bone, Vriska's boobs, Vriska's narrow waist, Vriska's belly button ring, Vriska's panties.

"So you gonna fuck me or what?" she gasps, squirming under your lips and fingertips. You look up at her, at the way her back is arched and her chest is heaving, the way her arms are thrown haphazardly and the way she stares down her nose at you.

All you can see is Dave.

Fuck.

===> JOHN : FOR THE LOVE OF GOD IGNORE IT

Yeah. You are very forcefully pretending that you can't get your trans and _ace_ best dude friend out of your head while you're trying to have sex with your really hot girlfriend. And you _are_ going to have sex with her, not Dave.

She's already pretty wet when you press your fingers into her, the crotch of her panties tickling your knuckles as you keep it pushed out of the way, and she gasps and moans in really great ways (but you find yourself preferring the way you figure Dave would refuse to make noise out of embarrassment). She's wet and you're hard and _dating_ her, so when she whines, "Hurry up!" you hurry the fuck up. You let yourself enjoy the way her chest presses against yours, bouncing with the force of your thrusts, and the way she clutches at you and begs you to fuck her harder, faster. You even enjoy the way she drags her nails down your back.

You don't enjoy her over the top moaning or the way she obnoxiously calls your name as she fakes her orgasm.

You will yourself to finish and press your lips to her throat to keep the name on the tip of your tongue behind your teeth.

Shame rolls over you when see Vriska's self satisfied smirk, and when you peel the spent condom off your wilting dick. You shimmy back into your underwear, lie next to her in her too-narrow bed, and cuddling does not come easy.

"You're not half bad," she informs you. You figure it's supposed to be a joke so you force a grin and tuck your cheek against her shoulder.

All you want to do is go home and wrap up in Dave. Getting laid was supposed to _fix_ things, but fuck if it only made things worse and you have no idea what you're supposed to do now.


	23. LIQUID COURAGE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops I forgot it was Wednesday. Heads up for the recreational usage of drugs and alcohol, leading to poor decisions, consent issues and John being a dickhole.

===>

Your phone chirps, loud enough to gain your attention, but quiet enough not to disrupt your lecture. It's your ringtone, not a text notification, and it chirps again as you fumble to get it out of your purse. Who in the world could be calling you?

Much to your surprise, it's your brother. You accept the call, raising your phone to your ear, and sit in silence for a couple of seconds.

"Rose?"

Dear lord, your brother is crying. You murmur, "Yes. Hold on just a second, alright?" before you lean in towards the boy you're currently sharing a table with, asking him if he could please watch your things for a couple of minutes -- "family emergency." -- and stride out of the lecture hall with great purpose, your phone held to your ear as you listen to your brother's quiet sniffles.

Halfway down the hall, you step into the restroom, a unisex, single stall affair, thankfully, for some privacy and ask, "What's wrong?"

His answer is nothing more than a miserable keen; you don't think you've seen your brother this upset since he came out as trans. Even when he figured out his last girlfriend was using him to act upon bi-curious notions, he was more pissed than upset.

You swear to god, you don't care if John is his best friend or not, if that boy did anything to hurt your brother, you will end him.

You make quiet, reassuring noises into the phone, wishing with everything you have that you were there with him instead, because you're brother is absolutely terrible at dealing with things, and if he's actually _called_ you...

He hiccoughs; "I love him," he says, his words strangled by sobs, "I love him so much and he just, I, I should have told him. You were right. You were so fucking right, and I am such a god damned idiot and there's _nothing_ I can do now. How the fuck am I s'pposed to compete with her? I mean, Jesus Christ she's hot. She has tits and she wants to bone him, like, who wouldn't? He's gorgeous, he's so fucking gorgeous, and I'd give anything -- " his voice cracks and he cuts himself off with a whimper.

"I'm sorry," you whisper; You know this feeling well, "This happens more than I'd care for."

"But he--"

"You're his best friend and he is very affectionate."

There's a long stretch of silence between the two of you, static making all the conversation.

"I jerked him off," your brother whispers, his voice cold and empty. You think he's stopped crying, if only for the moment, "Before Christmas and basically during Christmas and then a couple weeks ago -- " you remembered that; John texted you freaking out afterwards. " -- He was really into it."

His words peter off and you can't think of anything to say.

"He still sleeps with me."

You close your eyes and sigh, "This is really fucked up."

He laughs, "Tell me about it." You think he's crying again.

"How long?" He gives you a questioning warble and you clarify, "Has he been dating this person."

"Couple weeks. They had sex. Really good sex, judging from the scratches on his back."

"Wow."

"Yeah."

"Are you alright?"

Another laugh, just as bitter. "No."

"Is there anything I can do?"

"It's fine. He's, he's straight, you know? Probably a better fit than I could ever be."

"Don't say that."

"'S true though. Like, why would he actually want to date _me_?"

You sigh. "It's not my place to actually say anything, and I wouldn't normally but -- " you sigh again " -- he does like you. I think he has for quite a while, since summer, at least."

"Yeah, right."

"Shut up, Dave. I do believe that he likes you far more than he's comfortable with, and he has no idea how to proceed, because you are male, trans, and ace. Romance, especially involving sexual urges, with someone like you, would be like navigating a minefield. I am assuming he's dating this woman as a way to avoid his feelings for you."

"Did you not hear me when I said she was hot? Like, Jesus. Why would he go from _that_ to _me_? I have negative sex appeal. The idea of sex _literally_ makes me puke -- "

"But you enjoy masturbating him."

"Dude, don't even. Clinical terms make it sound way gross."

You smirk, "But you do enjoy it?"

"Yeah. 'S cool I guess. _He_ likes it though and it's fucking amazing to watch. Just, Jesus Christ."

"So it's not like you aren't able to engage in some sexual acts."

"Yeah, s'ppose. Doesn't mean anything'll happen."

"You are a complete idiot."

"What the fuck? Aren't you supposed to be comforting me? Jesus, I've been stupidly in love with him for a _year_ and a fucking _half_ and nothing's happened. Nothing _will_ happen because, yeah, I'm a complete idiot who feel head over fucking heels for his _straight_ best friend. I'm fucking stupid for him and nothing is going to ever come from it, and I'm such a loser that I'm just going to keep pining over him like this, fuck!"

"But you haven't told him about your feelings, have you?" You hear him open his mouth to retort, but he says nothing. "There's your problem. You haven't said anything, so he doesn't actually know you feel the same."

"Fuck." The word comes quiet, sharp as knives, and he sounds miserable again.

"You know I'm right."

"I.. fuck. Fuck. I am such a fucking moron." You nod, even though you know he can't tell. "Jesus Christ, and the winner of the most idiotic loser award is me. Save your applause 'til after the speech folks, and really what the _fuck_ was I _thinking_?"

You don't press him, waiting through his string of frustrated noises patiently.

"I told him it was platonic."

"That. I, wow. That is the complete _opposite_ of telling him you have feelings for him."

"The complete fucking opposite. God damn, I fucked this up royally. How do you even recover from this sort of bullshit? Jesus, it's no wonder he's dating Vriska. I _literally_ told him I have no interest."

He gives a deep sigh and it rattles through your phone's speaker. Your lips twitch into a smile. At least he's actually figuring things out.

"What do I do now?" he asks, sounding as far away from the sobbing mess you answered your phone to as possible. Then he sniffles.

"Tell him. And probably wait for him to pull his head out of his ass as well."

Another sigh from him. "Yeah, suppose."

"Are you going to be alright now?"

"Yeah, eventually. Shit's balls though."

You do actually smile at that. "Tell me about it. Too bad we're not at home. I would have taken much pleasure in feeding you ice cream whilst you wallowed in your heartbreak."

"Gee, thanks."

"You're very welcome. I should probably get back to class, but don't hesitate to call me again. I'm here if you need me."

"I know. Thanks sis."

"You're welcome."

The two of you mutually hang up, and you check your make up before you head back to your lecture, which, by now, is almost over.

===> DAVE : KNOCK

The laughter inside Tavros' apartment cuts out as the sharp rap of your knuckles against their door rings through. You hear something about cops, muffled behind walls, before the door actually opens and Gamzee flashes his fucked up awful teeth at you in a grin.

"'Sup, motherfucker," he says to you, flinging an arm around your neck to drag you in. His arm rest comfortably around your shoulder, the crazy bastard a head taller than you, easy. There's a pair of guys you don't recognize on the couch, Tav in his wheelchair, and the distinct stank of pot in the air. You raise a hand in greeting.

"Hey Dave," Tavros calls out, grinning. Gamzee steers you to the couch yourself, pushing you in between the two already there (whom you are assuming are more his friends than Tav's considering the sheer amount of ICP gear they're decked out in).

"Skitz," says the one to your left.

"Spazz," says the one to your right.

You shouldn't be surprised, given Gamzee, that these are the juggalos' names.

"They, uh, they're visiting. From Seattle," Tavros clarifies uselessly. Gamzee drops his bony ass onto the corner of the coffee table right next to Tav, adding his knife sharp elbow to the armrest of Tav's sick ride.

Jesus, you'd have to be blind not to notice how much they like each other. Why the fuck aren't they dating? It's dumb, really. You may have to have a talk with Vantas about this. Then again, you're one to talk, what with the whole fiasco with John. But you're here to take a break from that so.

===> DAVE : GET FUCKED UP

You don't intend to. You figured you were just going to chill with one of your bros. And your bro's roommate slash care taker slash romantic interest by proxy. Nope. Instead, you've got three juggalos passing you booze and drugs and why the fuck would you deny them?

Barely midnight, and your shit is wrecked.

Yup.

===> DAVE : GO HOME NOW

Yop. That is a think you'll eb doing now. You're prety fuckin gglad thtat your appartemtn isnt' that far off just this hilll jegus crap what wehre the contractors thinkign when they dsigned this shit?

You reeeaaly don't want to stop to puke in the bushes right by your palace. That whoduld not be cool. At all. You arelady redecorted the bathroom at Tav and Gamzee's.

You're a little amazed that you actually mange to get all the way up to your htird frlor appartment withojt completly fucking up . You also manage to get throughr the doror and into yur chared bedroom with John wtihout knocking shit over anw hawking everyone else up. Until you trip and fall onto John that is. He wakes up prety well at htat.

===> JOHN : BE FLOPPED ON BY DAVE?

Yup, that seems to be what woke you up all right. You roll over under his weight, onto your back, and he slides around with you, winding up between you and the wall, his legs splayed across yours in a way that must be uncomfortable. He squirms to get under the blankets and, wow, he kind of smells awful, what was he doing?

You roll a little more, knocking his legs into a reasonable position with a nudge of your own, and flip the blanket over him for real. He snuggles in close, which is pretty cute, even if he does smell a bit like ass, and kisses your throat which is also pretty cute, even if his shades are stabbing you a little.

"Hey Dave," you whisper, plucking his shades off for him. You have to roll back over to get them safely onto the side table and he follows you, clambering on top of you to straddle your hips. He's fully dressed still, you notice, shoes and everything. His red eyes are intense, even in nothing more than second hand street light, and your dick twitches as he shifts over you, shrugging out of his hoodie. It puddles behind him, across your knees and immediately he goes to the hem of his tee shirt. He sways so bad as he yanks it over his head, you have to grab him and pull him back, your hands on his hips.

You have the biggest boner right now, holy crap. This is not a feeling you should have in regards to one of your friends. This is _not_ a feeling you're allowed be having about _Dave_ , even if he's jerked you off and you totally liked it. You have a _girlfriend_.

You think you may be dreaming.

And then Dave leans in, propping himself up with one arm while the other fights with his pants and he hisses, "Fuck me, Egbert."

You sputter, confused. You are definitely dreaming. He repeats himself, his breath hot against your neck as he starts shoving his pants down and Jesus Christ, you thought you were hard before. Before has nothing on _right now_ and you have a feeling you should be glad you're laying down with how quickly you got so hard.

And he doesn't stop. He's in such a rush to take off his pants, he gets them tangled around his knees, falling flat on top of you. His weight knocks the breath out of you and you inadvertently slide your hands over his now naked ass -- completely on accident you swear! -- and you have to ask, "Dave? Dave, are you _drunk_?"

He hums, lips against your jaw, and murmurs, "Jus'a bit of liquid courage," as he manages to kick his pants off completely, shoes and all. Immediately, he starts on yours.

"D-do you want to?" He gives your dick a tight squeeze, pulling it from your pj's and you gasp.

"You want to. You deserfit," he slurs, clumsily trying to position himself over you, "'M so fuckin' strange an' fucked up but you don' care 'n I love you, man."

"Dave, it's okay, you don't have to." Your dick slides against the fork of his thighs and you have to bite back a moan. You want to. You want to, you want to, you _want_ to. You want to fuck your best friend, your trans friend, your ace friend, DAVE.

You want to fuck Dave. More than anything, you want to fuck Dave.

Oh my god.

===> JOHN : FLIP OUT ABOUT YOUR REVELATION LATER

Yeah, at this point it's nothing new but you should really save it, because Dave has no idea what he's doing. You should really be wearing a condom. Definitely.

You bat Dave's hand out of the way, taking over. If he's so insistent, you might as well do a good job. He protests but the way you brush the tips of your fingers against his, uh, bits shuts him up pretty effectively. In fact, he freezes entirely. You probe him a little deeper, parting his lower lips and he's... not wet. At all.

"Dave," you sigh, pulling your hand away from his crotch even as his returns to yours, "You're not even wet."

He snorts, sarcastic, "So? I'm 'n ace. I don't _get_ wet," all the while he tries to wrestle your dick into place. You are so fucking glad his coordination seems to be fucking terrible while drunk; for all his effort, the only thing he's managed to do is smear your precum all over his thighs.

You just wish your dick would stop thinking this is the hottest fucking thing.

"Dave, stop." He doesn't. Fuck, he doesn't. He jams you in at the right place, _finally_ , and though he's too tight and dry as a fucking desert, it takes all you have to choke back your moan because Dave motherfucking Strider is on your dick, fucking Christ. You hiss, "Stop, Dave, stop, stop, please stop," while you curl your toes into your sheets.

"Why? You want to." He presses down, the very tip of your dick pushing in. Your arms tremble as your hands squeeze his hips. You should stop, you _need_ to stop, this is such a bad fucking idea, but you can't help hesitating, and you feel like such an ass.

And then he whimpers. He whimpers like he's terrified. He whimpers like he's humiliated. He whimpers like it _hurts_ and you shove him away. He lands on his ass at the end of the bed, still between your knees.

"My dick wants to," you snap at him, yanking up your pants, "My dick wants a snug home in that pretty little cunt of yours, but I don't, because I'm not a selfish moron. I fucking love you and I'm not going to take advantage of you -- "

"I started it!"

" -- and do you have any fucking idea how much it would have _hurt_? Do you have any idea how _fucked up_ it would have been? For fuck's sake, I'm not gonna rape you!"

"But I -- "

"No buts!" You're yelling now, "Just because you started it, because for some God awful reason, you think you _owe_ me, doesn't make you any less unwilling!"

You can hear Karkat and Sollux moving in the next room now but you're too focused on Dave to care. He doesn't try to retort to your rant; he just sits there staring at you with the most heart wrenchingly pitiful look on his face and you feel like such an _asshole_ for yelling at him.

Then he sobs, tears rolling down his cheeks, trails of wet to match the smears you left between his thighs.

"Oh God, Dave, I'm sorry."

He hiccoughs, then burps, lurching off the bed to vomit into the garbage can. He sobs harder as you climb towards him, pulling him into a hug. You ignore the fact that he's naked and smelly and has puke dripping off his chin to hush him and squeeze him tight.

"I'm sorry!" he cries, his voice higher than you've ever heard it before, "I'm sorry. I'm such a fuck up. I just want to be normal, I want to be like _you_ , you're so handsome and sweet and perfect and I'm drunk and covered in _puke_ and just... just _dumb_ , John, I'm dumb."

"It's okay," you tell him, "I understand. Shit happens. It's okay, I promise, Dave, it's fine and you're wonderful just the way you are."

"But I puked! I was gonna fuck you but I puked. In your bed, John. I puked in your bed."

You can't help but giggle, "I think you got it all in the trash. It's fine. And I can wash my blankets if you did." You urge him up, "Let's get you clean too, okay?"

He sniffles, "Okay."

He stumbles to his feet and you follow, draping a blanket over his shoulders. You guide him out the door and glare daggers at Karkat as the two of you make your way to the bathroom. Karkat actually takes a step back, eyes wide and eyebrows raised. Dave hunches in on himself as you pass.

"Don't," you warn Karkat. He shakes his head vehemently and backs into the room. You get Dave into the bathroom, kicking the door closed behind you. You ask him, "Do you think you can take care of your self now?"

He whimpers, "No."

You mentally key smash; how is Dave so cute when he's miserable and covered in puke?

===> JOHN : IGNORE THAT AND TAKE CARE OF DAVE

You tug the blanket from around his shoulders. It drops to the floor without any issue. Dave just stands there, sniffling, as you pull the zipper of his compression vest down. He shrugs out of it, now completely naked and he, wow. He would be absolutely gorgeous as a girl. You can't help but give him a good once over.

Um, twice.

===> JOHN : QUIT BEING A PERVERT

You can't help it! He's just. Wow. Just wow, okay?

But yeah. It's time to get Dave into the shower. The sooner you wash the puke from him, the sooner you can drag him back to bed and -- not for anything perverse, gosh! -- make sure he's actually _alright_. You help him into the tub to sit, adjust the shower head so it doesn't spray everywhere, and turn on the water. He yelps, "That's fucking cold!"

You laugh, "It'll sober you up," but you crank the hot water up more. He shivers until the water heats up fully, draping his torso over his knees. You can still see the curve of his breast and the wiry patch of blond between his legs. You stay pointedly _outside_ the tub, with your pants still on and everything. You really don't think Dave needs any access to your boner right now. You don't really trust yourself to be able to keep your hands off him if he started something again.

You shampoo up his hair and run one soapy hand over his chest to clean off the wost of the vomit. You should probably get between his legs as well but that kind of doesn't seem like a good idea in your present situation. You hope the running water and leftover soap will be enough.

"You know, you should pro'ly get in here too," Dave mumbles, pointing at your chest. You look down and yeah. He's right. You got pretty nasty too.

"Um, yeah. I'll..." you frown, "I'm still pretty hard."

He rolls his eyes. "Dude, I just tried to impale myself on yer dick, okay? I don' care."

You don't know why you blush so hard when you shuck your shorts to step in with him, but you do. The shower curtain suffers a bit as you hastily yank it shut.

Your crotch is like, eye level with Dave's face, which is really awkward and kind of also really hot, jesus christ, especially with how his hair is slicked back and his wide, pale eyes and the water running down his neck and --

Dave goes after your dick again, like you were worried he would. You step back, your feet squeaking against the wet tub. You lose your balance, but manage to keep your feet, smacking your elbow against the shower wall.

"Dave!"

"But you're hard!" he whines, like he has to do something about it.

You shoo him away, wash as fast as humanly possible and then get the fuck out of there. You're back in your pj's before Dave even regains his feet. Which really wasn't hard since Dave's still apparently REALLY fucked up. You help him out of the tub and then wrap a towel around him.

===>

You set Dave onto the bed, turning to his side of the room to find him some clean clothes. By the time you dig out a clean pair of boxers and a tee shirt that you're reasonably sure has been washed sometime in recent memory, Dave has flopped over and passed out. You decide not to wake him, not even for clothes. Instead, you climb into bed with him, pulling the covers over both of you.

===> DAVE : WAKE UP

You wake up with a fleet of jack hammers in your head and rancid, maggoty ass filling your mouth. In a word, you feel like utter shit. But at least you're warm, snuggled up with John. You groan, pressing your face against John's shoulder and --

You ache. Your _crotch_ aches and you're completely buttfuck naked. You have no idea why.

You back peddle, flailing out away from John and, unfortunately, off the bed entirely.

Oh god, what did you _do_ last night?

===> JOHN : WAKE UP

Dave peeling away from you and the thump of him landing on the floor that results startles you from your sleep. Dave's sprawled out on the floor, eyes wide in panic.

"Dave? You okay?"

"We fucked."

The two of you stare at each other for a long moment until you finally croak out, "You don't remember."

Dave goes pale, curling in on himself with fingers pressed against his mouth. "We did. Fuck. _Fuck_ \-- " He looks like he's going to be sick.

"Dave -- "

"Oh fuck, fuck, shit god damn titty _fuck_ \-- "

"Dave!"

He continues to hiss panicked obscenities and you think he might start hyperventilating.

"Dave! Shut up!" He snaps his teeth shut and looks up at you with eyes glistening wetly. You sigh, "We didn't. I swear to God, we didn't, we really didn't -- " he opens his mouth to reply " -- a lot of shit happened, okay? But we didn't."

He doesn't say anything for a long time, a single tear dripping over his lashes.

"We didn't," you reassure him one last time, you voice soft.

"What happened?"

You flush. You flush _dark_ and you feel your dick twitches in your pj's. "Well, uh," you start, scratching your nose nervously, "You came home _really_ drunk and kind of, uh, threw yourself at me? Because I guess you think you owe me, or something, but I stopped you and then you puked so I stuck you in the shower but you passed out before I could get you dressed again and, and oh fuck. I wasn't wearing a condom! I mean, I didn't come or anything but I still, there was, there was _contact_." You're freaking out now. This is in no way good. At all. 

But Dave laughs. Nervously, almost forced sounding, but he laughs. "It's no big deal."

You flail at him. "It is though! Oh jeeze, what if I got you pregnant? I know it's not really all that likely but what if, Dave? A virginal birth is totally ironic, I mean, I'm assuming you're still a virgin, but that's not a good thing! Like, at all. Oh jeeze."

Dave's face is completely flat as he says, "I have meds to take care of that."

"You.. have a morning after pill?"

He flushes, "No, fuck nuts, I'm on birth control."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

The two of you say sorry at _exactly_ the same time, which cracks you up for some reason. He gives you a watery half-grin as he pulls one of the blankets off your bed. There's another long, awkward silence.

"So, um, do you really feel like you owe me?" you ask eventually.

He shrugs, "A little, I guess."

You frown. "How come?"

Another shrug, "No idea. It's really dumb."

"Is, um, is that why you, you know..?" You are such a wussy; just say it! "Uh, jerk me off?"

He snorts, "Nope." 

"Ah. Okay."

"Yup."

"So, uh, why do you, then?"

"Jerk you off?" he snuggles deeper into the blanket, bringing one edge of it all the way up to his nose. You can see his toes wiggling under the fabric as he shrugs and mumbles, "It's fun, I guess. Kind of a power trip, too, making you go all dumb and gooey -- " you snort and he thumps his forehead on his knees " -- that sounded stupid. You like it and I like that you like it. There. That's all."

He's blushing, his ears tinged pink. Your stomach does weird things at the bottom of your gut.

===> JOHN : BE SOMEONE LESS AWKWARD

Well, that sure as hell isn't Dave at the moment. You are, instead, now Karkat and you are also making pancakes from scratch because that's just what you _do_ when your stupid, dumbfuck best friend gets your stupid, dumbfuck roommate shitfaced and then lets said roommate wander around making an ass out of himself and waking you and your _other_ roommates up at an ungodly hour. You have already sent Gamzee a text telling him you'll be over later to rip him a new one. For now, it's time to make sure Dave doesn't end up with a grief filled hangover. Hence the pancakes. And also the tomato juice you made Sollux go out and get. You know that it has been scientifically proven that tomato juice doesn't actually cure hangovers, but it's always worked for you and you figure, at the very least, it'll hydrate Dave while also providing nutrients AND gross retribution for waking you up in the middle of the fucking night.

Dave and John both shuffle out awkwardly about halfway through your breakfast-making frenzy. You shoot Dave a particuarly nasty glare, which, surprisingly, he doesn't return. All he does is narrow his eyes a little at you (which might actually be because of the kitchen's light) when you were expecting a full out bitch fit since you did see him vulnerable and mostly nude last night and the friendship the two of you share is based off of mutual snark and asshattery.

Anyways.

===> KARKAT : TELL YOUR DUMBFUCK ROOMMATE TO SIT DOWN

You point at the chair at the end of the table with your spatula, the one with the bottle of tomato juice front and center. "Sit your ass down," you growl, flipping a pancake with more force than strictly necessary. He sits. John sits with him.

"Thanks for breakfast, Karkat," the bucked tooth wonder says brightly, as if everything is fucking kittens and sunshine and his _best bro_ didn't come home and puke on him last night as well as try to jump on his dick, not necessarily in that order. You roll your eyes.

The stack of pancakes grows from a lopsided hill to a full out fucking mountain, and it's not long before you dump the last one on a plate, flicking the stove off, and drop the plate on the table in front of your friends with a clatter.

"Drink the fucking juice, Strider," you snap, "And don't ever fucking let that shit-filled ass-faced clown con you into drinking again." You stomp away, grumbling, "Jesus, some people just have no fucking sense."

===> DAVE : DRINK THE FUCKING JUICE

You do. It tastes like tomato-y ass, although tomato-y ass is a lot better than rancid, maggoty ass. You chug it as fast as you can, not stopping until you drain the bottle, not even when you start dribbling down your chin. You pull the newly empty bottle away from your lips with a shuddering, "Bluuh!" and wipe at your mouth with the back of your wrist. And then your neck with the inside of your wrist. John snorts and passes you a paper towel.

"Are you really okay?" he asks.

You shrug and pick up one of the pancakes to nibble on. "Was pretty fucking noisy last night, wasn't I?"

John snorts, rubbing at the side of his nose. "Actually that was me."

"What, was I that good?"

"Don't kid yourself, Strider," Karkat snaps as he crosses back into the kitchen, coffee cup clutched in his hand, "Though I wouldn't be surprised if half the complex was now aware of your crotch's level of attractiveness."

You gape at John, who has his face buried in one hand.

"I do believe the wordths Jay-Ee uthed were "pretty little cunt"," Sollux helpfully adds from the living room.

"Oh my _fucking_ god."

John has the decency to, at least, look thoroughly embarrassed.


	24. GOOD LUCK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops been neglecting updates here. This chapter contains a non-homestuck character as part of a pesterlog and since I'm too lazy to edit the css code, he's just black. However, on [tumblr](http://redux3.tumblr.com/post/45894820031/whoops-i-forgot-today-was-wednesday-this-chapter) the pesterlog is fully coded for maximum prettiness.  
> Also John's kind of a creep here so..

===> JOHN : REPENT

You spend the rest of the day wrapped around Dave. By lunch, he's stopped freaking out over last night's close call, but he's still miserably hung over, so you're happy to coddle him. You coddle him extra hard every time you remember how badly you wanted to fuck him, treating him like a prince to make up for how horrible you feel.

So you adjust the blinds and fetch him more juice and reheat pancakes and do everything in your power to not actually think about how much what happened last night upsets you.

Or how you hardly considered the fact that you are already dating someone when faced with the opportunity to have sex with Dave.

When the two of you finally go to bed, you pull him close to you and drop kisses along his temple.

===>

Ironically, Dave's become a lot more comfortable being topless around you in the weeks since his drunken escapades. He doesn't bother slinking off to the bathroom to get dressed if you're still in the room, doesn't even bother turning away from you most times.

It's increasingly frustrating. Having sex with Vriska only compounds the issue.

So you watch Dave get ready for class, half asleep and stealthily fingering your morning wood as he runs through his morning exercises. You watch as he pats talcum powder against his chest and remember the way he slid his fingertips up and down your cock, watch him wiggle into one of his vests and bounces slightly to settle in. You watch like a creep and think of how he looked stradling your hips with his hand on your junk and you don't even care anymore.

You're sexually frustrated constantly now and it's really starting to piss you off.

So when Dave leaves, you decide, fuck it. You still have about an hour before you have to leave for your first class and you're going to spend that time jerking off.

Your imagination automatically sticks to Dave and this time, you let it, following the line of thought involving Dave and panties. You can feel like an asshole later. For now, you're going to let yourself imagine Dave in lacy panties. Cherry red ones, the kind made from a wide band of lace that would wrap all the way around his slim hips, abstract floral pattern blood bright against his pale skin, a wedge of matching cotton disappearing between his thighs.

You imagine him flopped out across your shared bed, and you enjoy the idea of him pairing sexy underwear with one of his usual tshirts, because that is so totally something he'd do. His shirt would ride up, exposing a strip of his bony hips and his taut, muscular stomach between stark white cotton and carmine red lace. You'd be able to see through the panties, of course, being lace. You'd be able to see the freckles spattered all over him, even where the sun doesn't shine, and his pale gold pubic hair, left au naturel.

If he were here, you'd kiss him silly, pinning him to the bed with your body. You'd kiss him silly and your kisses would leave him gasping for more, squirming under you in a hesitantly eger way you think he’d have. His hands would be balled into fists and pressed against your chest, him not knowing what to do with them.

He's so fucking adorable and it's great.

But he is adorable in ways that make you want to sex him up, and so, in your head, that's what you do. In your head, that's what he _wants_ you to do, so he'd only arch against you when you slide your hands up his shirt, touching over his ribcage, cupping his breasts. He'd moan as you'd fondle the flesh, quiet and shy. He'd pant as you slide your hands back down, squeaking out his cute little peeps as you run your fingers across a ticklish spot.

You would kiss his belly, skim your teeth over the sharp points of his hipbones, suck on the skin wrapping the iron muscles of his thighs. He would, in turn, squirm and quiver, his blush bright, his eyes half lidded, his lips parted and shiny pink. You would run the flat of your tongue along the inside of one thigh, licking a stripe clear up to the red lace of the panties your mind has supplied for him. His breath would hitch and --

Your own legs quiver as you imagine pressing your lips against his crotch. He'd probably cover his face with his hands, shy and awkward but oh so aroused. You'd be able to taste him right off the bat, his panties already soaked through and he'd want you so bad.

He would moan, of course, as you kiss and suck at him through the cotton. His thighs would frame your head as he draws his knees up and you would be able to hear the crack of his toes as he curled them against the sheets. You would just pull the crotch of his panties to the side, too eager to take them off properly, so you could dip your tongue into him. He'd moan your name at that, pressing his hips toward your face.

Oh god, you hope he would. You want that, to hear your name falling from his lips with desperate, sexy need. You want it almost more than anything.

Your hand speeds up, Dave's voice ringing out with your name amidst the inevitable string of curses as, in your head, he comes on your tongue. You would give damn near anything to be able to turn your fantasies into reality; you want him so bad.

Shit.

You want him so bad.

===> JOHN : JUST ADMIT IT ALREADY

Yeah. You really should already. Who do you think you're fooling anyway? Thinking about him while you jerked off really sealed the deal; you like Dave. As in, you like-like him. You more than like him. You want to hold his hand and kiss him and also fuck his brains out. You've wanted to for months and you've spent all day trying to convince yourself otherwise to no avail.

And you also already have a girlfriend.

Fuck your life.

===> JOHN : YOU'RE A DUMBASS

Yes. You know this. You are the biggest dumbass, it is you.

Again, fuck your life.

===> JOHN : FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO

You really can't continue to date Vriska when you have all these FEELINGS for Dave. It feels like you're cheating on her. Or, if you're really honest with yourself, it feels like you’re cheating on _him_.

You're cheating on both with the other and no one has any idea except you. Because you're dating Vriska, not Dave, so how could you be cheating on him? And while you haven't, uh, _done_ anything with Dave since you started dating Vriska, the two of you still tend to sleep in the same bed and he ends up crawling inside your brain all the time, at the _worst_ times, and more often than not it's the thought of _him_ that makes you hard, not Vriska.

It's not that you don't like her or anything. You really do! She's a lot of fun to hang out with and watch movies with and she's gorgeous and she likes Nic Cage too! Even if she's sometimes kind of mean. You feel bad about just sort of ditching your relationship with her. Even if it wasn't much of a relationship. You just sort of hung around with her more and occasionally made out and had sex and.. okay, yeah. Mostly you just made out and had sex.

Gosh, you're a terrible boyfriend, aren't you?

===>

You bring out your phone to send a couple of texts.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] at [15:54] ! --

EB : hey vriska.  
EB : can we talk a little later today?  
AG : joooooooohn, we're talking now :::;)  
EB : lol, yeah.  
EB : i meant face to face.  
AG : i suppose.  
AG : i'll 8e at viking hall for lunch after this suuuuuuuuper 8ORING class of mine.  
EB : um, okay.  
EB : i'll see you there :B

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] has ceased pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] at [15:59] ! --

Oh man, typing that smiley made you wince. You really hope you aren't setting her up for thinking you want to take her on a big date or something. That would be bad and you would feel like a bigger ass than you already do. Which is saying something, 'cause your assitute is probably approaching the size where you'd eclipse the sun or throw the Earth of kilter or something.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at [16:01] ! --

EB : hey dave  
EB : a;iosudhgaeroiahgs  
TG : as much as i adore your stylistic keysmashings there is no way i can derive any information from them  
TG : not even with a hey dave tacked on first  
TG : gotta be specific bro  
TG : otherwise i cant be getting my friend on  
TG : wow that sounded dumb  
EB : and kind of awkward too lol  
EB : but um  
EB : i think i'm going to break up with vriska  
TG : dude i thought she was like the one or something  
EB : hahah naw, we're still in college.  
EB : how many people do you know that stayed with the same person they met in college?  
EB : not a whole lot  
EB : it's not that i don't like her or anything  
TG : but  
EB : but what?  
TG : jesus egbert  
TG : i am rolling my eyes so hard right now  
TG : they are turning in a counter clockwise direction  
TG : hard bro  
TG : because of how utterly fucking dense you are  
TG : shit  
TG : best be calling up all the science journals  
TG : because ive just discovered the densest thing in the world  
TG : spoilers  
TG : its you  
TG : you are the densest thing  
EB : gee dave  
EB : thanks  
EB : i'm sure my dad will be so proud of me being added to the periodic table  
EB : you just made my day  
EB : *DRAMATIC EYE ROLL*  
TG : oh shit capslock  
TG : you are totes the most serious  
TG : fucking batman serious  
EB : shut up dave  
TG : stop laughing jesus  
TG : how do i even get my fantastic research noticed  
TG : youre the science geek  
TG : tell me  
TG : ill be sure to thank you first when i get my nobel prize bro  
TG : promise  
TG : pinky swear  
EB : daaaaave  
EB : i'm trying to be serious gosh  
TG : dude youre missing like, three as up there  
TG : youre gf would be disappointed  
EB : oh yeah  
EB : that was the point of me texting you  
TG : youre really gonna go through with it  
TG : question  
TG : not statement  
TG : so you know  
EB : dude, using punctuation isn't that hard  
TG : fuck no bro  
TG : do i look like rose  
EB : lol yeah  
EB : kind of :B  
TG : shut up egbert  
TG : so you like her but  
EB : PPPPFFFT OMG DAVE LOL  
EB : OMG I AM LITERALLY ROLLING AROUND ON THE FLOOR  
EB : LOOOOOOOOOL  
TG : wow okay  
TG : punctuation one  
TG : me a googol  
TG : its cool  
TG : theres nothing wrong with liking her butt  
TG : its a pretty fine butt to look at  
EB : oh gosh, dave! you perv XB  
TG : what  
TG : im an artist  
TG : im allowed to notice the aesthetically pleasing  
TG : i dont want to fuck her  
TG : thats your deal  
TG : whoops no it isnt  
TG : you wanna break that shit off  
EB : *eye roll*  
EB : yeah, wish me luck  
TG : good luck bro  
TG : youre probably gonna need it  
EB : your faith in me is so touching dave.  
TG : you know it  
TG : oaisdgha prof is looking at me for all the answers  
TG : my genius is needed  
TG : later

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at [16:13] ! --

You're not quite sure how talking to Dave about breaking up with your girlfriend ended up with you almost peeing yourself in laughter, but it did.

~~Reasons why you love him : he makes you laugh so fucking hard for no good reason.~~

===> JOHN : CHECK THE TIME

It's only a quarter after. Vriska's class doesn't get out for almost another fourty-five minutes. You've got a lot of time to waste.

What are you going to waste it with?

===> JOHN : THINK OF SOMETHING TO DO

You suppose you could go on pesterchum's random match up chat client for a bit. There might be someone interesting there. That's how you met Dave, after all, and you could use the distraction.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] has connected at [16:23] PST ! --

\-- wiltedSoul [WS] has connected at [16:24] PST ! --

EB : oh cool, someone in the same time zone.  
EB : where are you from, dude?  
WS : Little college town in California.  
WS : Nice place.  
WS : For people who like sun, anyway.  
WS : You?  
EB : lol.  
EB : little college down at the very top of washington.  
EB : for people who like rain.  
WS : Heh.  
WS : Don't care too much either way myself.  
WS : Takes both to make the flowers grow, etc etc.  
EB : haha not in washington.  
EB : there's only, like, three days of sunshine a year ahaha.  
WS : But you still get flowers, right?  
WS : The sun's still shining.  
WS : Even if the clouds obscure it.  
EB : good point  
WS : So, Mr. College Town.  
WS : You a college kid?  
EB : yup.  
EB : in my second year.  
EB : almost third, now, actually. wow.  
EB : you?  
WS : Not me.  
WS : I run a noodle shop.  
WS : Disappointed my ritzy family.  
WS : But I was always a disappointment so.  
WS : I'm happier here than I was there.  
EB : lol, i see.  
EB : i can understand that.  
EB : i'm supposed to take over a company, but i'm studying biology insead.  
EB : it's a lot more fun.  
WS : Everyone's got their passion.  
EB : yeah.  
EB : what sort of noodle shop?  
EB : all i can think of is like, spaghetti and stuff.  
WS : Nah, Asian noodles.  
WS : Few other things, too.  
WS : DJ on Thursdays.  
WS : Not the greatest but he keeps people coming through the door.  
EB : sounds like fun.  
EB : what sort of music?  
WS : Mostly modern dance stuff.  
WS : Bit of Kpop.  
WS : I don't understand why girls these days are so obsessed with it.  
EB : lol i have no idea either.  
EB : my buddy dave loves it too though.  
EB : it's really funny.  
EB : though he probably only ironically likes it.  
WS : Heh.  
WS : Sometimes he opens the floor for kareoke.  
WS : That's always amusing.  
EB : hahahah  
EB : now all i can think of is dave singing.  
EB : thanks XD  
WS : Hey, you never know.  
WS : Might be pretty good at it.  
EB : oh lol, he'd probably be a crazy high soprano or something.  
EB : or he's just really, really bad without the help of auto tuning.  
EB : the closest he's ever gotten to around me is a heartfelt rendition of a disney song.  
EB : good times.  
WS : Heheh.  
WS : Most I've ever sung was for a surprise birthday party.  
WS : We got Elliot on the piano and everyone sang a four-verse 'adult' version of the birthday song.  
WS : Lost our accompaniment halfway through because he was blushing so hard.  
EB : ahahaha oh man.  
EB : that sounds great!  
EB : I kind of need that.  
EB : idk who has a birthday soon  
EB : but i need it.  
WS : Oh, it was hilarious.  
WS : I'm pretty sure everyone thought Lavi and I were high out of our minds.  
WS : Was Christmas time, too.  
WS : So we just transitioned to dirty carols afterwards.  
EB : hahahah that sounds awesome!  
WS : I don't think Allen ever forgave us, either.  
WS : Pretty sure Neah busted something laughing, though.  
WS : Ever since then he plays the melody when he wants to be annoying.  
EB : oh man.  
EB : you wouldn't happen to be talking about neah walker, would you?  
WS : The one and only.  
WS : Unfortunately.  
EB : has'ogihasdgha omgomg  
EB : excuse me while i just kind of flip out a little over here  
EB : i fucking love him  
EB : he's such great a pianist  
EB : dave made fun of me for aaages for the giant homo crush i apparently had on him when i first heard him play  
EB : apparently i talked about him more than all my shitty movies  
EB : which is really saying something  
WS : Hate to burst your fan bubble.  
WS : But the guy's a right douche offstage.  
WS : An amusing douche, mind.  
WS : But a douche nonetheless.  
EB : hoadhga i must sound like a total creep.  
EB : lol, i really shouldn't be surprised  
EB : i don't mind douches though.  
EB : all three of my roommates are huuuuuge douches.  
WS : He's almost as bad as my parents.  
WS : And that's saying a lot, really.  
EB : i take it that's a bad thing?  
WS : Mom wasn't too bad.  
WS : Dad was the sort of controlling, sexist dick who insists that girls can't have hair shorter than shoulder-long.  
EB : gross.  
EB : there's nothing wrong with short hair.  
EB : it's a lot more manageable  
WS : Which in retrospect probably contributed to why I chopped it all off.  
EB : and a lot of girls look really cute with short hair!  
  
WS : Yeah, definitely.  
WS : I borrowed my best friend's pants when I was ten so I wouldn't have to wear any more dresses and never looked back.  
EB : hahaha, sounds like dave, 'cept i think it was his brother's clothes he stole.  
EB : oh shit  
EB : fuck  
EB : why is there no undo button on the internet  
EB : oh god  
EB : apigdhoa'ghag  
WS : Um, okay.  
EB : oadih'gag I'm stupid.  
EB : the biggest idiot, i is me.  
EB: don't mind me.  
WS : Well, I was about to say "Yeah, that's exactly how it is."  
WS : But alright, geeze.  
WS : Don't give yourself a fit.  
EB : what?  
WS : Chill.  
WS : It's not like 'there are other trans people in the world' is a weird concept or anything.  
EB : oh  
EB : um  
EB : well, i feel like an even bigger asshole now.  
WS : It's no problem.  
WS : Most people don't notice it either.  
WS : Online or in person.  
EB : uh, so you pass really well then?  
WS : Yeah.  
WS : Most of my close friends know.  
WS : It's kind of hard to pretend otherwise when my childhood friend flips his lid.  
WS : Can't really blame him.  
WS : The last time we'd seen each other, I was a blond girl.  
EB : lol.  
WS : Seven, eight years changes a lot.  
EB : i guess, wow.  
EB : can i ask uh, how you knew?  
EB : if that makes any sense?  
EB : i mean, you don't have to answer if you don’t want to.  
EB : i can understand that.  
WS : Sure, but I don't have an exact answer.EB : dave just gives me a blank look every time i ask him.  
EB : because he's a buttface.  
EB : thanks :B  
WS : It's just... I dunno, something you feel.  
WS : It started when people used to describe Yu and I as "those two girls" when we were kids, I think.  
WS : He was really girly looking even before he grew his hair out halfway to his ass.  
WS : I think his jawline is the only evidence that testosterone even touched him.  
WS : Anyway.  
WS : I always got way more pissed off at the remarks than he did.  
WS : Which is saying something considering his temper back then.  
WS : But he never really cared about his appearance much.  
WS : My parents always wanted me to be the perfectly dressed little girl, you know?  
WS : I was so envious of him, being able dress however.  
WS : That was the first thing we really fought about, I think.  
EB : yeah, understandable.  
WS : We argued all the time, but we didn't fight the way he did with other kids.  
WS : Until the day I clocked him one.  
WS : I don't really remember how it started, actually.  
WS : But I remember his face afterwards.  
WS : "I thought girls didn't hit people."  
WS : That's what he said.  
WS : I told him that I didn't want to be a girl.  
WS : Cried all over him for the longest time.  
WS : Wasn't long after that that my parents decided to move away from the "bad influences on my manners."  
EB : that sucks D:  
EB : also kind of adorable, if i'm honest.  
WS : Haha, yeah.  
WS : First thing I did when I turned eighteen was move out of the house and start tracking him down.  
WS : Took me more than a year to pull it off.  
WS : He'd moved to California since, for school.  
WS : Which is how I wound up here.  
WS : He didn't recognize me at all at first.  
WS : Tends to happen when you get a cut and dye job and a big scar across your nose.  
EB : hahah i'd imagine.  
WS : I was so nervous, oh god.  
WS : I'd just gotten the shop with the money my parents wanted me to go to college on.  
WS : As it turns out, one of my first regulars was... friends isn't exactly the right term for them.  
WS : Long term argumentative acquaintances with him.  
WS : So one day, Allen brings the rest of the crew by.  
WS : I remember that that's the only time I ever dropped a plate.  
EB : bet you made quite a first impression.  
EB : or rather, second impression, i guess.  
WS : Oh, he started yelling to high heaven.  
WS : He hadn't changed a bit.  
WS : So I just started laughing.  
WS : And then crying.  
WS : And meanwhile Allen and the other two are just staring at me like 'what the actual fuck just happened'?  
WS : Thank god the only other person in the shop was Elliot.  
WS : Bit of a tightass, but a good kid.  
WS : God, he was what, fifteen then?  
WS : But anyway, yeah.  
WS : So I'm standing there shaking and crying and laughing and Yu is like "What the hell, are you insane or something?"  
WS : And all I can say is "You've still got a foul mouth, after all this time."  
WS : Not the reunion I had pictured, I tell you.  
EB : lol, I guess not.  
EB : makes for a pretty funny story though!  
WS : Wound up that I wouldn't have it any other way, though.  
WS : But anyway.  
WS : Does that help at all?  
EB : not really, lol, but it's nice hearing an answer other than "why do you think egbert ive always been a dude duh".  
EB : i love dave but he's such a pain in the ass sometimes.  
EB : ... most of the time.  
EB : basically all of the time.  
WS : Heh, well, different for everyone I guess.  
EB : yeah, i suppose.  
WS : Sounds like you two are close, though.  
EB : yeah, he's my best bro.  
EB : and we've shared a room for like, the last year and a half.  
EB : it'd kind of suck if we weren't totes besties.  
WS : Oh yeah.  
WS : My first roommate here...  
WS : Well, he was a nice enough guy, but he came and went at the weirdest hours.  
WS : I'm bunking in a little place over the shop now.  
WS : It's nice.  
EB : that sounds awesome.  
EB : probably the best way to run your shop too, huh?  
WS : Certainly keeps things simple.  
WS : That and stuffing my face with leftovers.  
WS : Much more relaxed than back home, for sure.  
EB : hahah, awesome!  
WS : So how'd you take it?  
WS : When you found out, I mean.  
EB : oh, uh, pretty well, i guess?  
EB : it was a little.. weird, i guess? for a little 'cause he didn't say anything until the start of college when we had already agreed to room together and stuff, but...  
EB : it's dave.  
EB : he's my best bro.  
EB : and he's waaaay more manly than me.  
EB : and super tall too.  
EB : you wouldn't even guess he wasn't biologically male just by looking at him.  
WS : Heheh.  
WS : That makes everything easier, really.  
EB : yeah, it does.  
EB : he doesn't make a huge deal out of it, and he passes really well as long as i don't like, start tickling him out of the blue or anything.  
EB : I'm pretty sure a couple of our friends have guessed, but it's just..  
EB : not a thing. like, at all.  
EB : so uh, this is like, way out from left field but do you have sex?  
EB : i mean, i'm not propositioning you or anything.  
EB : i'm just curious. and also really intrusive and rude, sorry Dx  
WS : Not currently.  
WS : The endless woes of being single.  
EB : but you would? it doesn't weird you out or anything?  
EB : ... i sound like such a creep, jesus.  
WS : Not really.  
WS : Can't say it's true for everyone, though.  
EB : yeah...  
WS : But yeah, it's not a thing that has a huge effect on me.  
WS : For my body or anyone else's.  
WS : The equipment works regardless of packaging, so to speak.  
EB : i see.  
WS : But not everyone has that attitude.  
WS : Life would probably be a bit easier if they did.  
EB : you're telling me :T  
WS : Heh.  
WS : Good luck with that.  
EB : with what?  
WS : Getting together with your friend.  
EB : i'm no  
EB : okay it's really that obvious?  
WS : I'm afraid so.  
EB : oh.  
EB  
EBEB : so thanks?  
WS : You're welcome.  
WS : Ah, customers beckon.  
WS : Hope everything goes well with you.  
EBEB : me too. and thanks. for like, humouring my really rude questions and stuff.  
WS : It was my pleasure.

\-- wiltedSoul [WS] has disconnected at [16:52] ! --

Well, that was an insightful chat. You don't think you even intended to actually ask Dave out at the start of it but.

Wow, okay.


	25. INNAPROPRIATE TIMING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWO CHAPTERS BECAUSE I'VE BEEN NEGLECTING AO3 YAY.

===>

Oh, Dave's home already.

===> DAVE : BE ASKED OUT?

That seems to be what John's doing as he offers up dinner, nervous for some reason. You raise an eyebrow; the two of you go out to eat all the time, so how is this worth the awkward fidgeting he's doing.

"Yeah, sure," you shrug, "lemme take a leak real quick then we can head down to the hall."

You're halfway turned around when he grabs your shoulder and spins you back. He rubs the back of his neck and shrugs himself, confessing, "I mean, like a date. A real date, with, like, flowers and candles and all the stupid ironic stuff you like that's, like, super ironic because, you know, it's, uh. Real."

His shoulders are tense and pulled in, defensive, and he hasn't looked you in the shades at all. Probably some sort of prank or stupid dare. He and Karkles get up to some pretty asinine shit for reasons you can't comprehend.

Never the less, you reply in all seriousness, "Never took you for a two-timer, bro."

He groans, pushing his fingers against his eyes, glasses going skewed in the process. "I know," he wails, "I've been such a fucking jerk to you and Vriska and I don't think anybody realizes it but me and I'm going to continue to be a giant asshole, 'cause I'm breaking up with her for you," he flops out on the bed you share with a sigh before continuing, "I mean, I'm going to even if you say no, which I'd totally understand 'cause I'm an enormous jerkass."

Holy shit, you think he's serious.

You sit next to him. His mouth is pinched, the frown out of place on his normal freakishly happy face.

"Thought you weren't a homo."

His frustration is tangible as he moans, "I don't even _know_ any more, okay? I just, I have all these _feelings_ and they're weird and they revolve around _you_ and I really try not to think on them too much because I _really_ have no clue what to do about them. I just know that I like you. A lot. And -- fuck, I can't even have sex without -- " he gestures meaninglessly, wide and passionate in his movements before he slaps his hands back against his face. You can see the blush spreading out from under his fingers, across his jaw to his ears and down his neck. " -- you," he finishes lamely, "I love everything about you, from your stupid shades to your adorable boobs to the way you could kick my ass without breaking a sweat, and I want _you_ , not all these stupid pretend fantasies and -- " he breaks off his confession with a warbling noise of despair.

You figured out a looooong time ago that you've got quite the not-so-platonic crush on John. You don't really dwell on it, but it's there, and you haven't really mentioned it to anyone since few actually understand the idea of having romantic feelings but lacking the urge to engage in sex. If you were anybody else, here is where you would make a real life collon-capitol-tee-face, but you're Dave fucking Strider, so you sort of just look at John with your usual blank expression.

"Sure," you say quietly, "I'll give it a shot."

He spreads his fingers, peaking out between them with one eye. "Really?"

You shrug; "Why not. Ain't gonna be much of a change."

"Yeah, I suppose," he responds with a sigh, tension sliding from his shoulders like water off a duck, "We do sorta already act like we're dating."

"We're so sugoi." He snickers at your deadpan snark and drops his hands to his sides, finally. The back of his knuckles brush your wrist and you twist your hand until your pinky is wrapped around his index finger.

You're disgustingly sappy.

John says, "You're a dork."

You roll your eyes.

===> JOHN : OH JEEZE DID HE REALLY SAY YES?

That he did. You are officially dating Dave Strider. Your chest feels tight, full to bursting with all these FEELINGS that you guess you don't have to squish away in the closet of your mind anymore.

Speaking of which...

===> JOHN : PULL THAT BOY DOWN AND KISS HIM SILLY

That is something you are very happy to do. The indignant squawk he lets out as you tug him over, into your lap, makes you laugh, and you can practically feel all the FEELS (capslock needed to distinguish the magnitude of them, even in your own head) you have for this dude bubbling over your lips with the sound. He loses his balance and slides halfway off the bed and you just laugh harder, dragging him back up and into your lap FOR REALZ this time. He humors you, straddling one of your thighs. The slight grin he has tilting his lips makes your insides go fuzzy and, fuck, he's gorgeous. He really, really is. You slide your hands up his thighs. He tilts his head at that, ever so slightly, but it emphasizes the line of his jaw and the length of his neck.

And wow, you have really been spending too much time with his artsy fartsy self if that's how you're thinking.

Your hands continue up, over his chest. You see the little twitch in his jaw, the slight tightening of his lips as your fingers cross his vest, hidden behind his shirt, and that sort of makes some of the fluff inside you solidify back into proper organs again.

"You okay?"

He shrugs, and you can tell that his eyes are pointed off to the side, even if you can't quite see them through his shades. "Yeah."

"You sure?"

He snorts and his cocked grin comes back full force. You can even see the curve of his eyelid as he looks down at you, making what you assume is one sided eye contact. He pulls your hands away from his chest, sliding his fingers through yours. The fluffy feeling is back full force. He pulls one of your hands to his mouth, pressing a kiss to your knuckles and.

Dear Jesus, you might just die from the cute overload.

===> JOHN : GET TO THE SLOPPY MAKE OUTS ALREADY

Hahah, yeah. Kissing is definitely at the top of your list of things to do. You wiggle the fingers of one hand out of his grip, touching your fingers to his cheek before skimming over skin and into hair. Your hand is gentle as you make your attempt at coaxing him down into smooches. He follows willingly, hips shifting against your thigh. Your pants are starting to get uncomfortably tight now, and you feel almost guilty that you're popping a boner at something as simple as _kissing_ but, well, he's your boyfriend now and also hot as fuck, so it's totally okay. You're allowed to get hard at the feel of his lips against yours and the way his knee presses against the outside of your hip as he hovers over you.

And fuck. You _really_ like kissing him. That's all there is to say on the matter. Besides, you know, the fact that he's somehow freaking _awesome_ at kissing despite, you're pretty sure, being a noob (though even if he is, he'd probably say he's so good because of some crazy Stridercentric awesome-clause, or something). And also how he actually parts his lips without any prompting at all, which you really weren't expecting. And alsoalso how he bites back the tiniest of moans when you suck on one of his lips and Jesus _Christ_ , if you didn't have a boner already, you would most definitely have one now; that has got to be one of the hottest things you have ever heard.

Even the way he flinches and pulls away when your phone clatters across your desk to inform you of a new message is perfect. And also pretty lulzy. You snicker even as he gives you a dirty look, which you kiss away. Or, at least, attempt to. Your phone goes off once more, then a couple seconds later, buzzes again. You arch your neck to give it its own dirty look, which apparently Dave finds funny, considering the snort that he muffles against your cheek.

When your phone buzzes yet again, Dave climbs off and you sit up with a disgruntled huff. You honestly don't care who the fuck is messaging you right now. The whole world should realize you're getting your mack on with the guy you've been nursing a _giant_ crush on for ages.

===> JOHN : CHECK YOUR PHONE ANYWAYS

Yeah. You should probably do that, if only to tell whomever it is on the other end to kindly fuck off.

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at [17: 17] ! --

AG : at viking.  
AG : joooooooohn? :::;)  
AG : i don't see you 8t aaaaaaaall.  
AG : you're l8te john.  
AG : you 8etter 8e on your way.  
AG : 8nd this h8d 8etter 8e good  
AG : i'm g8tting imp8ti8nt >::::(

"Fuck."

===> JOHN : CHECK THE TIME

You do so. The clock reads eight fourty-six.

"Fucking fuck."

===> JOHN : DEAL WITH YOUR IRATE GIRLFRIEND THAT YOU SOMEHOW MANAGED TO FORGET

EB : oh shit!  
EB : sorry, got distracted.  
EB : headed out now.  
AG : hurry the f8ck up alr8dy  
EB : sorry, i am. gimme ten.

With that, you shove your phone into your pocket and fully ignore any further message notifications as you all but fly to Viking Hall.

===> DAVE : WATCH JOHN FLIP OUT

You feel it's pretty safe to assume the massive influx of texts rattling John's phone like a fucking earthquake are courtesy of one Vriska Serket. Whom, at least for the moment, is also dating John. It's a bit of a cluster fuck your best bro cum boyfriend has gotten himself into, judging by the way his expression shifts from vaguely disgruntled at the interruption to full out panic as he spits, "Fuck," and glances at the clock, continuing with an eloquent, "Fucking fuck," as he types a quick reply. He hardly spares you a glance as he runs out the door.

===> DAVE : GO AHEAD AND BE YOUR FUTURE SELF

You are now Dave approximately a half hour in the future!

What do you do?

===> DAVE : GIVE JOHN A DIRTY LOOK

It is an opportune time, considering he just walked in the door, but you don't. You get why he fled so suddenly. Vriska's a bitch.

Instead, you ask, "How'd it go?"

"Honestly," he confesses, "A lot better than I had expected. Apparently I was just -- " he quirks his fingers into air quotes, a sour look on his face, "for fun."

Ouch.

He sighs and you hesitate only briefly before rolling over in your computer chair to give him an unironic comfort-hug. You're just a bit too short to tuck your head under his chin, your temple level with his collar bone. You are, however, at the perfect level to press your ear against his heart as you squeeze him 'round the middle and he slides his fingers through the hair at the nape of your neck, cradling your head against his chest.

You snort as a thought occurs to you; "So is this how it feels to be you?" You can feel the laugh that rumbles through his chest almost better than you can hear it.

"You're a dick, Dave."

"Yeah, but you love me."

He just hums at that, thumb stroking the soft skin just behind the lobe of your ear. The two of you stay like that for a long time and you won't lie. You're pretty freaking content with listening to the sound of his heartbeat.

Eventually, though, he interrupts your TENDER MOMENT, asking, "So, um, how's this gonna work?"

You pull an arm away to remove your shades from their stabby position on your face to hook one of the arms in the collar of your shirt. "Magic." You don't even get what he's referring to, actually.

"No, dude, I'm being serious," he giggles.

"Doesn't sound like it."

"Yeah, well, I am." He pulls your face away from his chest, hands cupping your cheeks like the most fragile of fruits. "This is some serious uncharted territory for me and I really don't want to fuck anything up."

You roll your eyes, over exaggerating the movement like you're still wearing your shades. The anxious set to his lips and his brow softens into a melancholy smile and you really need to cut off all contact with your pretentiously wordy sister if _this_ is how you're thinking.

"What should I do?"

You shrug, keeping your face carefully blank, "Whatever you want, I guess." Honestly, you have less of a clue than he does; he's actually more or less successfully dated people before.

"Well, what do you want?" You shrug again and he snorts, "You're impossible."

"Yup."

"Can we have sex?"

It feels like your eyebrows actually fly off your face with how quickly you raise them, sputtering, "What?"

"I mean, not like, right this instant, but at some point. In the nearish future. Is that going to be a thing that can happen?"

You almost say no. It takes everything you've got to keep that one word locked behind your teeth. As it is, you stiffen and swallow back your mounting panic. This is _John_ you're talking about. He's taken all your fucked up weirdness in, hahah, stride. The boy deserves a metaphorical gold star. Quite possibly a literal gold star. If you had to fuck someone, you'd probably chose John.

You finally say, "I don't know," and it's the honest truth. You don't know if you could go through with IT. The idea freaks you out; you're not supposed to have the bits he wants to mess with, not to mention that sex is just straight out nasty.

"Can I at least touch you back? I, I won't go any farther than you're okay with but... can I?" His blue eyes are wide and honest and full of emotions you can't all name.

You flick your eyes down to the floor, licking your lips before you bring your gaze back up to his face. The voice that crackles from your parted lips is quiet and brittle and sounds nothing like you when you say, "Okay."

He cups your cheeks, keeping your face turned up towards his. "Are you sure?"

“Yeah, sure, why not? 'S no big deal."

John sighs, "Yeah, it is Dave."

"No, it's really not."

"Are you seriously arguing with me over whether or not you're actually okay with this?"

"Dude, are you seriously arguing with _me_ over whether or not _I'm_ actually okay with this?"

He sighs, scowling, "Dude you've already shown that this sort of thing freaks you out. I just don't think you'd do a heel-face-turn just 'cause we're dating."

You flush. He's got you there. How do you even explain? "It's not a big deal," you start tentatively, "Because if it's a big deal, I'll freak the fuck out."

"Oh," he breathes, "Okay. Just. Don't do anything you don't want to just 'cause I want to."

You just kiss him in reply.


	26. CRAYON HAIKUS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy 413 oAo there may or may not be multiple updates today~

TG : oh my godddddd dabe!!  
TG : rosey just told me teh news  
TG : i am so proud of u honey :D  
TG : all my butiful bbs have grown all up and are dating sime fine ass ppl  
TG : i am cries  
TG : omg mom stop please  
TG : BUT DAVE  
TG : i one the bet!   
TG : *wonk*  
TG : now if u'll escuse me a certain classy gent oes me some mulah  
TG : mom dont  
TG : im serious john hasnt told his dad yet and hes freaking out about it  
TG : so please just dont okay?  
TG : o honey don't settle 4 someone who's ashamed of u  
TG : its not like that hes just  
TG : hes straight mom you know that  
TG : so hes flipping out over having to tell his dad  
TG : jamie ias already aware of u 2 bein more than bffs u know  
TG : yeah im not surprised  
TG : johns still freaking out though so just let him take his time  
TG : please  
TG : np honey i'll give u all the time u need ok??  
TG : but jamie will probably just bake u a congrats on the sex cake lololol  
TG : mom we arent even having sex okay???  
TG : suuuuure *winkwinknudgenude*  
TG : i am turning off my phone now mom  
TG : bye honey ilu gve my lobe 2 ur roomies ;3

===>

GG : jooooohn!!!!  
EB : jaaaaaade!!  
GG : you and dave are dating now??? :O  
EB : .......  
EB : okay we are not twins how the hell did you know?  
GG : dirk told me, duh  
GG: WHICH MAKES ME WONDER WHY DIRK HAD TO TELL ME  
GG : ASSHOLE  
EB : I HAVEN'T TOLD ANYONE!!  
GG : uuuuugh bad john worst cousin DX  
EB : okay jeeze dave and i are officially dating. i did not sink your ship.  
EB : YOU ARE NOW OFFICIALLY THE FIRST PERSON I EVER TOLD EVER.  
GG : yay :3  
GG : youre still an asshole  
EB : just don't tell my dad okay?  
GG : you know uncle jamie wont care  
EB : i know  
EB : it's just still weird for me to be dating a boy :T  
GG : youre a dork omg :O  
GG : just because youre dating dave doesnt mean youre magically GAY NOW gosh!!  
EB : i knooooow DX  
EB : i just still want a chance to actually wrap my head around it before i go off telling the whole world i guess :T  
GG : understandable  
GG : dumb but understandable  
GG : GOSH IT FINALLY TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH OMG  
EB : ahaha yeah.  
GG : lololol so whats it been like having your first boooyfriend??? ;3  
EB : it hasn't really changed anything? like he's still dave and stuff.  
GG : but like SMOOCHING omg how do you feel about the smooching???  
EB : um....  
GG : ???  
EB : that's kind of  
EB : normal?  
GG : already??? you cad :O  
GG : OMFG WAIT  
GG : YOU MEAN THAT LIKE YOU'VE BEEN KISSING HIM BEFORE????? :O  
GG : so there was more going on than just that one awkward friends-with-benefits thing??? :O  
EB : i hate you so much.  
GG : nope you are a total liar you love me :3  
GG : but if you had been all smoochy and stuff why did it take you so long to ask him out??  
EB : 'cause he was all like "gee egbert i dont want in your pants or anything gross"  
EB : except he was totally lying. he just doesn't want me in his pants?  
EB : so i guess i sort of assumed he was just normally pretty affectionate since he snuggled with you and all his family a lot too.  
GG : but he never kissed *me* oAo  
EB : well how was i supposed to know?  
EB : like, he told me that kissing wasn't a big deal for him so i figured it was like an ace friend thing idk.  
GG : so youve been kissing him for a while huh?  
EB : since like, summer?  
GG : ......  
GG : it seriously took you six months to ask him out.  
EB : yeah basically  
GG : wow.  
EB : except it’s actually been more like  
EB : eight months.  
GG : holy shit how did you EVEN MANAGE THAT?????  
EB : um, very carefully?  
GG : wow.

TT : So I hear you are now dating my brother.  
EB : holy shit does the whole world know already?  
TT : I’d think not. Dave told me.  
EB : diufohasioghafad  
EB : and dirk knows so jade knows too  
TT : Yes I’m afraid our mother commandeered my phone shortly after I received the news.  
TT : I have been promised it’s top secret information, so you may rest assured that your father will not be preemptively informed.  
TT : Mother has “zuppered” her lips.  
TT “whops *zippered”  
TT : Also I would like to remind you that I will not hesitate to inflict bodily harm upon you should I find you hurt my brother.  
EB : hfadoiahdgaodsfa  
TT : Dirk states that he also will not hesitate to inflict bodily harm upon you should you harm our brother.  
EB : you know what i think i am going to go.  
EB : i’ll talk to you later rose!

===>

You don’t log back into pesterchum for three days and, thankfully, when you do, your well being is not threatened again. Rose really did not help your worries about dating Dave though, and now you’re extra hesitant to go to her with any questions you might have, which sucks because you’ve totally been friends with her for ages -- almost as long as Dave, even! -- and your cousins are no help when it comes to relationships.

Not that you and Dave are having relationship problems! You’ve barely been dating for a week. Like, for real dating. Dating that does not involve someone else when you are clearly infatuated with your best friend.

Speaking of your best friend slash boyfriend, he wanders out of your shared room bleary eyed and wearing one of your tshirts. Karkat picks up on this fact immediately and discreetly points it out.

And by discreetly, you actually mean the entire campus is probably now aware of how Dave is wearing one of your shirts. You flinch and try not too look awkward about it, but Dave just shrugs Karkat off with a, “Yeah, need to do laundry,” and that’s that.

(You decide you like him in your shirts, especially since they’re too big on him, and that’s totally one you’ve worn recently, so he’s totally not borrowing it just because he needs to do laundry.)

===>

It’s almost midnight and you’ve spent the last two hours procrastinating on studying by watching stupid youtube videos from Dave’s lap when you realize, you haven’t taken him on a date yet.

You also keep meaning to take him to Beth’s, because you think he’d like it, but spring break is still a fair bit aways and you _really_ don’t want to study, so you look up at him and ask, “Wanna go out to eat?”

He shrugs, face lit blue from the glow of the laptop across his knees. You roll off him and sit up, kissing him on the cheek.

“Come on, I wanna take you on a date!”

He snorts and bumps his forehead against yours; “Dude, it’s almost tomorrow.”

“So? That’s the cool part.”

Your grin is apparently infectious, because one breaks out across his face and he snickers, “Yeah, you know what, sure, why not.”

You kiss him again, catching the corner of his mouth this time, and he kisses you back.

Twenty minutes later and you’re navigating your way to I-5, Dave blissfully unaware of your destination.

After another ten on the highway, he asks, “So where are we going?”

You grin a little deviously as you reply, “Seattle.”

He balks, “Dude that’s like a three hour drive.”

“Naw,” you shrug, “only about an hour and a half.”

You drive happily as Dave stares at you dumbfounded. Beth’s is totally going to be worth it. He’s going to freaking _love_ it there. Oh man, this is going to be a great date. The best date!

Dave dozes off before you get there, wrapped in one of your hoodies, which is quickly becoming one of your favourite things -- he just looks super cute in your clothes! You pick up speed once you get to the part of I-5 that’s well lit and mostly straight, blowing through two counties in no time. It’s barely one when you park and nudge Dave back awake. 

He blinks at you sleepily over the top of his shades and you grin as you nudge your face against his.

“Hey, sleeping beauty. Want some breakfast?”

“Yeah, sure,” he mumbles, pushing his shades up over his eyes. You hop out of the car, circling around to his side so you can offer your arm, like a true gentleman. He snorts, but places his hand gingerly just inside your elbow, his other hand folded over top primly and you can’t help but giggle. You lead him down the alleyway to Beth’s proper. Halfway through, you slide to hold his hand instead. It’s a lot less awkward, if also a lot less ironic, but he squeezes his fingers around yours and he’s totally got a dorky grin plastered across his face.

The cafe isn’t that busy, since it’s one on a Tuesday, now Wednesday, and you’re seated almost immediately. You make extra sure to ask your waitress for paper and crayons before she leaves. She’s the super hot rockabilly one that you totally did not have a huge crush on all high school, and you can see Dave checking out her tattoos as she leaves.

“She has this super sweet brain tattoo on the side of her head, under her hair,” you tell him. He raises his eyebrows at you and, with a shrug, you snicker, “Been coming here for yeeeeaars dude. We’re not all that far away from my house.”

He grins his beautiful, lovely, crooked, dimple inducing grin and you get butterflies.

“Why didn’t you just wait until spring break then?” he asks and you sort of wish you had sat on the same side as him, so you could kiss.

“It’s so much more fun this way! Besides, if we had come here from home, Jade would have wanted to come with too, and then it would have been less of a date.”

Your waitress brings your crayons and paper, and you decide, fuck it. You’re going to sit on the same side of the booth as your boyfriend.

Dave immediately goes after the cup of crayons, checking out his colour selection, and you slide over to the other side of the booth to nudge him into the corner. He scoots over idly, pulling out one crayon in particular.

“Dude, sweet, I got the mac and cheese yellow!”

You giggle because he sounds just way too excited over a crayon, but that was the whole point!

“Okay, quit being a dork and look at the menu already, gosh!”

You follow your own advice, flipping one open. You’ll probably just get what you usually do, but you set a good example anyway. Dave sighs next to you and scans the second one.

“A twelve egg omelette?” he asks, skeptical, after a moment.

“Yeah,” you grin, “They bring it out on a pizza tray thing.”

“Holy shit.”

“Yeah. I had one with some of my friends once. Even with like, six of us, we could barely finish it, but apparently a friend of a friend has finished one completely? Like, all by himself.”

“A friend of a friend, huh?”

You snicker, “Yeah. I think I’ve met him a couple of times. One of my ex’s was in the whole raver thing and that’s how she knows him. Oh! And one of my neighbors knows him too, the guy who ate the whole twelve egg omelette, that’s how I know him.”

Dave’s still grinning, his lopsided kind, and you lean over to kiss him on the cheek.

“You’re cute,” you tell him.

“And you’re a dork.”

You do go with your usual bacon and eggs, while he gets french toast, and you watch him draw with strangely coloured crayons. You laugh when he starts on one of the silly, first time in Beth’s draws that litter the walls, except his reads

my dorky boyfriend

drove two hours to take me on

our first date at beths

“Dude, is that a haiku?” It’s totally a haiku; you don’t even have to ask. “That’s sort of disgustingly cute.”

You steal his paper and pluck out the best blue crayon of the bunch so you can cross out his dorky and replace it with an even better awesome!! (which doesn’t break the syllable count, because you really are that awesome). You also draw an arrow at his haiku and notate best boyfriend ever, which makes Dave blush and hunker down in your hoodie.

(You take a picture of it and set it as your phone’s background.)

(You also text it to Jade because wow, Dave is so cute.)

And then your food comes, giving Dave reprisal from your teasing, though you have butterflies the entire time you eat, drawing stupid shit back and forth on the same piece of paper. Dave’s dead on his feet by the time you pay and walk back to your car, and you’re only awake through the power of caffeine. You manage to make it back to your apartment without any issue just before dawn, and you pass out with your jeans still on.


	27. THAR SHE BLOWS

===> JOHN : MACK ON YOUR BOYFRIEND

That is totally what you're doing. In fact, you've been kissing for like, twenty minutes now and it is driving you CRAZY. You think the last time you spent this long kissing was back in eighth grade, with your first girlfriend, and you've gotten so used to kissing leading to sex that just making out is kind of KILLING YOU.

But wow, does Dave kiss great. He's still very chaste, just his soft lips against yours, but his _hands_ are everywhere, fingertips skimming over the skin of your face and neck, down your chest, over your arms, touching every bit of you he can reach like, you don't know, he's a blind sculptor or something. You are total shit when it comes to making similes, and especially so when you have a lap full of Strider who is SUPER into kissing you.

(You, for the most part, have left your hands on his hips, fingering the strip of skin exposed by his shirt riding up.)

(You're also really glad that he's sitting on your knees rather than anywhere higher because you're pretty sure the massive boner you popped when he did actually climb into your lap would freak him out.)

(Which, you guess, is kind of dumb. The you thinking he'd freak out part, not the him freaking out over your boner part. He _has_ actually touched your dick and seems to be pretty okay with it? You would totally understand if he freaked out by you having a boner while he's in your lap, 'cause his crotch is really close to your crotch, and that is like, Dave Phobia Number One.)

===> JOHN : ANYWAYS

Oh shit, you think you kind of went on kissing autopilot there, because the next thing you know is Dave's super sweet closed mouth kisses have sort of evolved into slightly-open-mouth kisses and it takes a LOT of effort not to, you know, step it up a notch. The _last_ time you did that _really_ did not go so well.

(Then again, this time you're actually dating so maybe it's okay?)

You let him set the pace, parting your lips just enough to suck on one of his. He makes a tiny little noise at this and you open your eyes just enough to watch him flush in embarrassment.

And then he sucks on your lip right back and you can't help the groan that bubbles out of you. Dave shifts over you, pressing his mouth harder against yours, the tip of his tongue touching your teeth, then behind your teeth. You can’t help it when you take over, pushing your tongue into his mouth in turn.

He goes unresponsive pretty immediately and you pull away to find him pulling a face. He wipes his lips with the back of his hand and says, “Okay, that was really gross.”

You snicker at his grimace, “I’m sorry?” and he shoves at your shoulder.

“No you aren’t.”  
“Yeah, not so much,” you shrug and peck him on the lips again, “I liked it so...”

He wrinkles his nose and you giggle into his neck.

“Okay, okay. No french kissing, I get it.”

Instead, you press your lips against his jaw, relishing the way he gasps when you nip at the skin. It doesn’t much help your boner situation, but it’s worth it for the way he squirms in your lap, hands still against your shoulders with fingers wrapped tight in your shirt.

You’re ninety percent sure he’s horny and you really, really hope he scoots closer so maybe you can have a little friction against your aching dick.

You think you’re sort of unconsciously urging him forward, because he does scoot in, legs spread wide over your lap to make up for the lack of depth in your couch, and you squeeze the top of his thighs. You’re breathing hard against his collarbone and there’s no denying the fact that you’re really getting off on this.

Maybe he’d be okay with a little grinding? After all, you’re not the only one breathing hard, and you can feel the heat coming off his face even if you can’t see it.

You drag your teeth across the spot where his neck meets shoulder and the breathy little squeak he makes at that is super cute.

“Um, would you...?” you’re about two seconds away from just sticking his hand down your pants. Jesus _fuck_ , you’re painfully hard and you’re pretty sure he’s completely oblivious to how he’s affecting and it’s frustrating as hell.

You’re trying to wrap your brain around thoughts well enough to actually express what you want, without just begging to fuck him (because that would totally go down well) when you hear the garage door open. You attempt to not totally flip out, which doesn't go so well, and Dave laughs at you as you shoo him off your lap. You end up arching your hips to follow him because, wow, even your dad potentially walking in on you macking on your best friend is not enough to kill your boner, and he just snickers harder.

“Dave!” you hiss at him, shoving one of the couch pillows against your crotch, “Fuck off!”

“Dude, it totally looks like you’re hiding a boner,” he snickers at you and you just glare.

“That’s exactly what I’m doing, thanks.”

He continues to laugh and you bean him in the face with the pillow already clutched in your hand.

“Good to know I have that effect on you, perv,” he teases, practically purring and, fuck. That’s really not fair. 

Especially not since your dad walks in seconds later when you’re straddling one of Dave’s knees, calling out his usual cheerful greeting. You almost groan when Dave lifts his hand over the back of the couch in a wave, saying, “Hey Mister E,” but you figure it’d come out sexually frustrated since instead of regularly frustrated, so you just baff him with the pillow again.

He snorts in laughter, squirming under you as he fights off your attacks. One of his thighs, the one you’re straddling, slides up and you grind against him automatically, your torso dipping ‘til you can press your dick against his hip. He stills for a second when you push into him, your face buried in his neck. You bite down on your tongue to keep any incriminating noises from slipping out.

It doesn’t help when he rubs his hip up against your dick a moment later, grinding against you on purpose. It pinches a little since he’s so bony but it’s still so fucking great. He even lets you squeeze his ass, pulling him more firmly against you, his hands squeezing your biceps and his face pressed against your shoulder. You think he’s hiding, which sort of worries you, but he’s still moving his hips against yours.

The way he shivers when you breathe, “Fuck,” into his ear is fantastic and you come in your pants like a total loser.

You get about two seconds to breathe before he starts laughing again, hard and loud. The force of his giggling has his body rocking against yours more, squishing your oversensitive dick into the slimy puddle of your jizz cooling on the inside of your boxers and you are completely mortified.

You suppose you should just be really thankful your dad doesn’t come to investigate because you’re sporting a definite wet spot on the front of your jeans.

===>

GG : yoooou should really tell your dad already  
EB : but its still weird!  
GG : uuuuuugh  
EB : uuuuugh  
GG : youre duuuuumb  
EB : i’m not dumb i’m just dating my best friend and i think dad’s already a little weird about me and him living together because of him being trans.  
EB : i really do not want him to think we’re fucking any more than he already does.  
EB : especially since we’re not even having sex!!  
GG : yeah you just hump him and then leave your gross underwear in the bathroom.  
EB : ........  
EB : i don’t know what you’re talking about.  
GG : oh you better know what im talking about  
GG : even bec knows better than to leave a mess and i stepped in yours  
GG : youre just lucky i was already about to take a shower >I  
EB : oh my god i am so sorry  
GG : you had better be buster  
GG : also tell your dad already gosh!!  
GG : that is my price for stepping in your spunk  
EB : can i wait until we’re like...  
EB : back in bham?  
GG : siiiigh  
EB : dude i came in my pants literally two minutes after he came home from work.  
EB : in the living room and everything  
EB : dinner is going to be awkward for me as it is i really don’t want to also tell him that i’m dating and sort of but not actually screwing the dude i’ve been living with and bringing home for multiple holidays.  
EB : even though i’ve been pretty adamant that there’s nothing going on between me and dave.  
EB : that conversation is going to suck enough as it is.  
GG : putting it off isnt going to help you know  
EB : i know but i still don’t want to?  
EB : like i totally recognize i’m being really dumb and my dad won’t actually mind and it’s not a big deal but...  
EB : it still sort of feels like a big deal?  
EB : and i don’t want to make my dad feel uncomfortable because i’m living with my boyfriend.  
GG : so you’re going to be a total wuss about it :T  
EB : yeah basically.  
GG : youre so duuuuumb oAo  
EB : i knowww gosh!  
GG : so since weve established youre too much of a pussy to tell your dad.....  
GG : how the hell are you and dave having sex when you arent actually having sex???  
GG : that makes no sense!!  
EB : uh.  
EB : mostly i just jerk off?  
EB : sometimes he jerks me off instead.  
EB : that’s basically it :T  
GG : booooring :O  
EB : well excuuuuse me. i didn’t mean to break your yaoi fan bubble.  
GG : howd you manage to cream your shorts if you just jerk off?????  
EB : i wasn’t expecting to come that fast, now would you stop asking me gross questions? DX  
GG : heehee x3

===>

TG : so i got john to come in his pants  
TT : My, what an accomplishment.  
TG : ikr  
TG : it was kind of gross but he looked so shocked afterwards it was fucking hilarious  
TG : like surprise orgasm wtf  
TT : Fascinating.  
TG : it was really easy too like i pushed my leg against his junk and he practically exploded  
TT : Is that so?  
TG : yeah  
TG : wed been making for a while before so im not all that surprised he was hard  
TG : but wow fucking no effort to get him off it was cool  
TT : And how do you feel about him getting off as a result of kissing you?  
TG : aw dude no shrinking this  
TG : not cool sis  
TT : I am simply curious. After all, you’ve always been fairly sex aversive.  
TG : well its not like hes going to jump me  
TG : fuck even with me jumping him he wouldnt  
TG : not even joking hes actually refused to have sex with me hes not going to push the issue  
TG : and its not like our pants came off it was more like he tripped and fell into my lap and whoops thar she blows  
TT : So you aren’t as bothered by sexual relations as you thought you might be?  
TG : ih  
TG : french kissing is fucking nasty as shit i am now well aware of this fact  
TG : and it was sort of weird having him chew on my neck but not in a bad way i guess  
TG : kind of claustrophobic having him over me like he was  
TG : hes short as fuck but hes pretty ripped too and it got real fucking toasty in his arms  
TG : like uncomfortably warm  
TG : also i totally understand why theyre called boners im pretty sure ive got a bruise on my hip from him humping me

===>

You’re really glad you got to bring your boyfriend home with you for spring break. You mean, you got to last year, too, since he’s your best friend and he lives on the opposite coast so it’s kind of dumb for him to go all the way back to New York when he could just go with you BUT this time is extra special since he is your boyfriend now. And since both of you go to bed after Dad, and wake up well after Dad goes to work, you’re free to sleep in the same bed, so long as you make sure to shut the guest room door when Dave’s supposed to be in there.

You would probably sneak in his room anyway, if Dave didn’t sneak into yours first. You just really like sleeping with him. It’s really cute how he tucks the blankets under his chin, and your bed at home is a lot bigger than the one you share in your campus apartment.

“Hey Dave,” you whisper to him, nosing the crown of his head, “Wanna get like, an actual apartment next year? One where we can have our own furniture and stuff?”

He mumbles a sleepy sure and you grin into his hair.

===>

“Jesus dick shitting Christ, have either of you heard from Sollux yet?” Karkat snaps as soon as you walk through the door.

“I think he and Aradia had plans this weekend,” Dave says, leaning against one wall while he unties his shoes.

“Fucker should at least inform me when he’s not going to be here for dinner, I got up at like, five aye-em just to make all these god damned pancakes.”

You snicker at Karkat’s angry grumbling and Dave perks up, “Dude, breakfast for dinner?”

“No.”

“Dicks.”

Sollux stumbles in halfway through dinner (Karkat’s really awesome mac and cheese, which Dave proclaims better than pancakes) with one arm slung across Aradia’s shoulders. She’s smiling wide as usual with a shiny new nose piercing and Sollux grins with pink tinged teeth.

Karkat doesn’t even get to break out his usual, “What the actual fuck,” before Sollux sticks out his tongue, except now it’s _tongues_ , as in plural, wiggling each one separately. You watch as Karkat goes a ruddy red and Dave cackles, fistbumping Sollux.

You feel like there’s some subtext you’re missing.


	28. GUILTY PLEASURE

===>

GG : joooooh john john john uncle jaimie is sending me up to your dorm with a cake for your birthday  
GG : just so you know  
GG : i am driving  
GG : like right now  
GG : okay technically i’m at a stop light so im not ACTUALLY driving  
GG : but the point still stands  
GG : cake  
GG : caaaaake  
GG : delicious tasty cake :DDD  
GG : aaaand i am so excited to meet your roommates!!!!!  
GG : holy shit its going to be cool they sound awesome :DD  
GG : jooooohn  
GG : doooooouche  
GG : ill go talk to dave instead :((((

===>

GG : daaaave dave dave  
GG : guess what i have??? :DD  
TG : sup harley  
TG : what  
GG : cake :DD  
TG : bitch why youre gloating uuuugh  
GG : im not gloating >:)  
GG : im bringing it up to you guys for johns birthday :DDD  
TG : fucking sweet  
GG : i know!! its gonna be a lot of fun  
GG : and sort of a surprise for john  
GG : like i was texting him but he hasnt answered so....  
TG : shit girl you better be bringing your make up  
TG : you know my mom doesnt let me have any thinks im too young yo  
GG : oh i am >:)  
GG : super awesome sleepover times yeah!!!  
TG : youre a dork harley i ever tell you that  
GG : yeah have you seen your boyfriend????  
TG : touche  
GG : heehee x3  
GG : okay driving now so ill let you know when im close??? :DDD  
TG : jesus calm your nips ill see you soon  
GG : >w<

===>

Karkat is actually the one to open the door when Jade finally arrives and her cheerful demeanor floors him. It’s fucking hilarious. You can hear her happily introduce herself as John’s cousin before she bounces in with a fancy cake box that you know for sure is filled with an amazingly delicious home made confectionery.

You let Jade scoop you up in her traditional bone crushing hug after she sets the cake down in the kitchen, and Karkat raises his eyebrows.

“Sollux isn’t the only one who get’s all the bitches,” you tell him from your position three inches above the floor.

Karkat rolls his eyes.

“Oh hey!” Jade says, “We could totally throw John a surprise party!!”

You snicker, “You know, that would be hilarious.”

Karkat sighs.

The three of you make a special trip out to the grocery store and thank fuck Jade has a car. You would really not want to take all your glorious snacks back to your apartment via bus. Even with you intentionally directing Jade through a scenic route, you still get back before John does, and Sollux looks a little confused when you walk in bearing half a ton of Dorritos.

And then when John does finally arrive, Jade full out tackles him and you make yourself promise you will _never_ play any sort of sport with that girl. You are pretty sure she’s a linebacker or some shit.

===> HOLY SHIT BE JOHN??

You are now John and you are also on the floor after having been tackled by your cousin. This is a very strange turn of events considering your cousin should be in Seattle. She grins up at you and exclaims, “Happy birthday!”

Your night consists of eating cake and junk food while you watch Sollux and Jade alternate between dominating everyone else in like, four different video games. Funnily enough, Jade and Karkat get along really well, which you wouldn’t have expected. She gets a total kick out of his crass verbosity, judging by the way she snickers every time he opens his mouth, basically.

It’s a pretty fun way to spend your Friday night, actually.

When Jade _finally_ dozes off, thus freeing the rest of you from her party hard clutches, you and Dave head off to your room to cuddle up in bed.

“So what’d you wish for?” he asks, head on your shoulder.

“If I tell you, it won’t come true!”

(It was sex. You totally used your birthday wish to wish to get laid. You are a terrible person.)

===>

"So what do you actually want for your birthday, Egbert?" Dave asks you, leaning into his turn with Yoshi as the two of you play Mario Kart. You shrug. You hadn't really thought about it.

"Whatever you do will be awesome, I'm sure." You catch the dubious look he throws you as, in game, he slings a shell at your character.

"Dude, we're totes dating now. I gotta do something super kawaii special for your birthday. It’s my wifely duty, nya.”

You can't help but sputter into laughter at the way his face stays stuck on SRS BSNS and his blank intonation of nya. 

"No, really bro. Come at me. Whatever you want. I'll make your wildest dreams come true like a goddamn miracle train."

He crosses the finish line well before you do, setting his controller down to wait out you finishing the race. You end up third thanks to your bout of giggles. Whatever you want, huh? 

"Come on, man. Clock’s ticking. Gotta be quick before that offer expires. Miracle train is a-fuckin'-sail, bro, hurry up."

You grin and flop back, thinking with a greatly exaggerated, "Uuuuh."

"Motherfucking choo-choo, Egbert. Best run if you wanna cash in your ticket."

You'd totally be down for the latest Assassin's Creed, but Sollux’s already pre ordered the super mega fancy special edition, and you’re not _that_ invested in the series to want your own copy when you could just play his.

"Three," he says.

"Fuck, uh.."

"Two."

What's something only Dave could give you? Your mind wanders to one of your favourite guilty pleasures : Dave in panties.

"You're running out of time, bro."

You manage to sputter out, "Puh-panties," just as he counts off, "One." You see the jerk of his shoulders that means he's snorted silently. He flops back to join you on the floor.

"Didn't know you were into that," he has the slightest of grins as he looks at you.  
You flush, covering your face with your hands. There's really nothing you can do but go forward and hope he isn't insulted.

"Not for me," you whine, "You. I want to see you in, in the panties," Dave is silent beside you, and you gesture a little wildly as you backtrack nervously, "Not because of, uh, you know. I just think it'd be really hot. Like, wow panties are great, and you’re great, and so you in panties must be super great and, and stuff.”

You let your arms fall back to the floor and grimace. Dave's breathing has picked up; you can feel his chest moving in this tightly controlled way he has that way you've learned means he's panicking and you feel like the world's biggest douche. Really. It is you.

“But like, you don’t have to because I am a huge asshole, wow."

"Okay."

You turn to look at him, wide eyed. "What?"

"I said okay. I'll play into your fantasies, you sick perv. Why not?" You can almost hear the _you deserve it_ under his words, but maybe that's wishful thinking, "You gotta buy 'em though, and I warn you, I ain't no Walmart queen. Only the good shit gets to be worn by Dave fucking Strider so you best be heading your ass to Victoria Secret, bro."

All you can really do is nod dumbly because, wow, you really weren't expecting that.

===> DAVE : SHIT

Wow you totally just agreed to wear panties. You haven’t worn panties for like, eight years.

You just agreed to wear panties in a sexual context.

Fuck, how did you manage that?

Oh, that’s right. You’re intentionally pushing out of your comfort zone because you are completely stupid for John and it’s really hard to say no when he’s so awkwardly, adorably interested in something. Even if that something is you wearing panties.

Shit.

You guess it wouldn’t be so bad. He spends so much time sitting still for you to draw him that it’s kind of fair for you to return the favour. Except, you guess, instead of him drawing you, he’d be jerking off. Which is fucking weird, you’re not going to lie.

But kind of cool? You dig how he’s so into basically anything you do when it comes to his dick. It’s a fucking trip watching him get off because of you. You’re even pretty okay with him getting off _against_ you -- you’re still super chuffed to have gotten him to cream his pants. That is like, your crowning achievement and you hardly had to do anything, just wiggle your hips against him a little. He went to fucking pieces and you have no qualms with describing the way he moaned into your ear as “hot”. It was. You don’t need to think with your dick to feel that way; it was fantastic and even just remembering makes smug chills run down your spine.

You also kind of liked how he kissed your neck. More than you think you should, actually.

You groan at the memory, face awkwardly hot in embarrassment. You’re alone in your room, but even still, you throw an arm over your face to cover your blush. John had to jet to class after he so magically convinced you to crossdress for him, giving you a giddy peck and an hour and a half of free time that you don’t know what to do with. Naturally you’re thinking about how you’ll wear panties for him and the way his lips feel against your throat, because of course your mind will wander to the most uncomfortable thing possible.

You roll over onto your stomach, reaching for your phone. A couple of swipes across the screen tells you that you are, in fact, almost due for your next shot.

Fuck hormones. No wonder you’re being so awkward.

You shove a hand between your mattress and your hips to adjust your dick, it having slid uncomfortably to one side, and you gasp at the pressure of your palm against it. You gasp and grind against your hand and even your _toes_ curl.

You yank your hand away.

Holy shit, you have a boner. You have a boner and you’re pretty sure it’s because of you thinking about how hot your boyfriend is.

You roll onto your back and pointedly ignore the heat of your crotch.

===> JOHN : BE FRUSTRATED

You feel really bad that your patience with Dave and all his weird issues is running dry. That’s the only reason you can really come up with for how you asked (and actually got him to agree????) to him wearing panties for you. You can understand his hesitance, to some extent. It's not easy having FEELINGS for someone you never expected to -- you would know -- but you're the type to just... jump in and feel it out, rather than spend too much time thinking about things. Dave seems to be the exact opposite and that's frustrating, since him taking so much time to think gives you too much time to think and then you start to get weirded out because Dave is a _boy_ , has always been your bro, even though you know he's sort of also a girl and--

It's hard being straight and having a homo crush on a guy who's physically a girl. It's hard and no one understands.

Except for maybe that one guy you talked to on SecretChum.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] ! --

EB : can i talk to you about some stuff?  
TT : Of course, John. What's on your mind?  
EB : it's about dave.  
TT : Are you finding that your feelings are not what you had originally thought?  
EB : no!  
EB : i still like him!  
EB : i'm just  
EB : it's hard :T  
TT : How so?  
EB : well...  
EB : .... everything pretty much :T  
TT : Do explain.  
EB : *sigh*  
EB : i want to have sex with him but he's all wegoashgas sex is scary D:  
EB : and he's the first guy i've ever had any interest in.  
EB : and he's also sort of a girl, like physically, and that makes everything just so much harder.  
TT : I see.  
EB : you do?  
TT : It's entirely understandable to be conflicted about your relationship with my dear brother. People who don't sit neatly in society's gender norms, such as Dave, can make it rather difficult for the people who are attracted to them to define themselves.  
TT : After all, how do you identify what, exactly, you are attracted to in the first place? And even if that is possible, it's never the same through all situations.  
TT : Attraction to a trans person can easily be based off of their perceived gender and the genetalia that would usually go along when the person in question passes well. It's also possible for one to be platonically attracted to a trans person until their biological sex is revealed, in which case the attraction can shift to something sexual.  
TT : Attraction doesn't have to have anything to do with a person's sex at all. Plenty of people are attracted to other people because of who they are, not what is in their pants, although a lot of times the two go hand in hand.  
TT : There are many levels of attraction besides. It's a fascinating subject.  
TT : Did that help any?  
EB : no :T  
EB : you totally just confused me even more.  
TT : I apologize. Let me start again.  
TT : It's perfectly normal to be gay.  
EB : i know.  
TT : It's also perfectly normal for an otherwise straight person to, on occasion, harbor feelings for a person of the same gender. There's more than just gay, straight, and bi, and having the occasional interest in someone who is also male does not instantly turn you into a flaming faggot, if you will excuse my language.  
TT: There are plenty of homosexuals who have the occasional hetero interest.  
TT : I myself have not escaped such feelings, and while yes, I have dated a few men, I do still identify as a lesbian.  
TT : No one will persecute you for your identity. It is your identity, after all.  
TT : Well, there are plenty of people who will try, but they’re self absorbed cockheads who likely have self esteem issues, but I digress.  
EB : but i don't want dave to think i think he's a girl because i say i'm still straight :T  
TT : Ah, yes. That could be quite a problem.  
EB : yeah.  
TT : Well.  
TT : I suppose the two of you will have to sit down and talk about things.  
EB : you're not helping rose! DX  
EB : well, you are a little. but not much!  
TT : What's still troubling you then?  
EB : bluh...  
EB : everything?  
TT : I'm sorry, John. I can't tell you how to fix everything.  
EB : *siiiiigh*  
TT : I can, however, to tell you that you'll have to be patient with Dave. I imagine developing sexual interest where he never had any before must be quite frightening, and if you dare pressure my brother into doing something he's not ready for, I will make sure you regret it.  
TT : But as for your own sexuality crisis, that's something you'll have to figure out for yourself. I can give you counsel, but I can't tell you exactly how things are for you. I am good at making deductions but I am no mind reader.  
TT : Don't be afraid to discuss things with Dave, however. Open communication in a relationship is never a bad thing.  
EB : I suppose :T  
TT : There's no supposing about it.  
TT : I'm going to have to leave it there, though, I'm afraid. I have a class to attend.  
EB : ok.  
EB : thanks for the help.  
TT : You're welcome, and good luck.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] has logged off ! --

===> JOHN : WHY ARE THINGS SO HARD

Maybe you should just stop trying to define yourself. That would probably help a lot.

===> JOHN : OH LOOK, A PESTERCHUM ALERT

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] has logged in! --

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] ! --

TT : Also, I should also mention that sexual attraction and romantic attraction can be completely separate.  
TT : Now I really must leave.  
TT : Good luck, John.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] has logged off! --

===> JOHN : GEE, SHE'S HELPFUL

What even does that mean? Bluh, you are SO CONFUSED. How can they be different? You guess you can see how sex and romance are separate, since there have been plenty of girls you've found appealing but would never date but..

Oh.

You're dating Dave, who has no sexual interest, but he obviously has romantic interest in you. Duh. You think you sort of get it now. But what in the world did Rose mean? You're not like Dave; you have both romantic interest and sexual interest in people. Specifically, him, at the moment.

You still don't get it.

===> JOHN : PONDER

Well, your sexual interest still lies pretty firmly with the ladies. Even if Dave's a guy, he still has lady bits, and the other trans guy you were talking with, WS, said that it's pretty much fine for you to find his body appealing. And it's not like you aren't completely okay with Dave being a dude. You really are. At this point, it's kind of weird trying to think of Dave as a girl. You had a hard time connecting the long haired girl in all the pictures Dave's mom showed you over Christmas with your best bro. He's just really not a girl, so you feel pretty secure in thinking that you don't like him just because of his body. Even if you still feel a little like an ass for finding him so hot. Because you like girls.

WHY IN THE WORLD IS ROSE WANTING TO DO THIS FOR A LIVING GOSH. Your brain hurts from just trying to figure out your own problems. You really don't understand how someone would want to do stuff like this for a living. Then again, Dave doesn't get why you want to be a scientist so bad (although you can totally get why Dave wants to be an artist. He's really good and even if he can't make an awesome living off his art, his mom is LOADED so he can live fine and do what he loves).

===> JOHN : WOW YOU ARE REALLY OFF TOPIC

How in the world did you manage that? Oh yeah, you were wondering how anyone could find this whole psychoanalytical stuff fun.

But anyways.

You guess you could say that you find Dave physically attractive because he's got a smoking hot girl body, though that doesn't sound quite right. He's a good looking guy that happens to have a smoking hot girl body under his man clothes and you find him incredibly attractive for it?

You should have listened to yourself when you said to stop trying to define your feelings.

===> JOHN : BUT YOU LOVE HIM, RIGHT?

Yeah. You do. He's your best friend, the person you want to come home to, and you hate to think of any timeline where he's not in your life. If that doesn't count as love, you don't know what does. You love snuggling him and the weird little peeping noises he makes when you tickle him and the way he's a lot more expressive around you and you fucking _love_ his smile, his real smile, the one he has when his guard is down and it's just you and him and you make some stupid joke, not the cocky lip curl thing he does around everyone else, and you think he looks really great in your clothes, even if most everything he goes to steal hangs off his narrow body because you're two sizes bigger than him, and you like that he draws you all the time, even though his teachers must be sick of your face by now.

You just have all these FEELINGS for Dave fucking Strider that you're sure you can wrap up into this neat little package stamped with LOVE. Because that is how you feel.

And wow, none of that had to do with wanting to have sex with him whatsoever, did it?

Huh. You think you might have figured it out. Cool.

===> JOHN : RUN YOUR HYPOTHESIS BY ROSE

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] is offline! --

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] ! --

EB : so i think i figured it out.  
EB : like, i do like girls. that's the sort of stuff i'm interested in sexually, so in that respect, i'm straight.  
EB : but i really do love dave. not like a brother or a best friend or anything, but legit as someone i want to date and do all this gross, romantic stuff with and he is most definitely a dude.  
EB : the dudeliest dude i have ever had the dudely pleasure to dude it up with.  
EB : even if, you know, his body doesn't want to agree.  
EB : and i like his body. i know it's really dickish to say so but i do find him physically attractive.  
EB : because i'm straight. at least, when it comes to sexy things, i am.  
EB : but he's a guy and i know that and i am okay with that and also i like him because of it.  
EB : because he's a guy, i mean.  
EB : so i guess, romantically i'm bi?  
EB : so yeah. that's what i've got.


	29. PRETTY STICKY

===> DAVE : BE A GOOD BOYFRIEND

Yeah, not a bad idea. It's been awhile since you touched all up on John and you should probably do that since, you know, you're dating. So you do, snuggling against his side so you can slide your hand down his naked chest. He makes a little noise in the back of his throat, half asleep and questioning, as your fingers make their way down.

"Hey there," he mumbles, and you can hear the smile that undoubtedly tilts his lips.

"'Sup?"

"Not much?" You reach his dick and press your palm against it. His breath hitches before he states, "That's my penis, Dave."

You give it a soft squeeze; "Hm, so it is." You can feel it start to swell under your fingertips already and you don't think you'll ever get over how impossibly cool that is. It's absolutely fascinating.

"Not that I'm opposed to the 'ttention, but why are you...?" He's hard enough to start straining against the cotton of his shorts and he reaches in to adjust himself. Your fingers follow his along the outside of his underwear as you shrug.

"What, am I not allowed to all of a sudden? At least we're dating now," you snort. He sighs your name in a way that does not have anything to do with the fact that you're currently fondling his junk, but you continue before he has a chance to properly speak, "Dude, we've been over this. You like it and I like that you like it so shut up and enjoy the ride."

His breath catches in a way that makes you think he'll argue, but he doesn't, and it's not long before his hips are rocking against your hand. You take the little spot of wet that gathers on the front of his shorts as your queue to stick your hand in for some skin on skin contact. He hisses in pleasure at that, his dick arching up to meet your palm. It makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside to know that you can make him feel good like this.

You're rubbing the pad of your thumb back and forth across the slit in his head, sliding through the slick of precum beading there when he whispers, "Can I do something?"

Your hand stills as your eyebrows furrow and you shrug. "Yeah, sure. 'Sup?"

He doesn't reply but you squawk in surprise as he rolls the two of you over. Quite suddenly, you find yourself flat on your back with John kneeling between your thighs, one of his hands planted on the bed by your hip, the other shoving his boxers down. It takes all you have to keep from hyperventilating.

When John looks back up at your face, his eyes go wide for a split second before his expression shifts, showing you a sad smile. He presses a kiss against the corner of your mouth and murmurs, "Trust me, okay?" He kisses you more, peppering them across your jaw. "I'll stop if you really want me to but just. Give it a shot. Please?"

You swallow thickly and give a stiff nod because you're a fucking _Strider_ and you want to trust that John will make it alright, you really do. You’re a total chickenshit and you know it.

He presses his lips against yours firmly, almost desperate, and shifts over you. He moves to straddle one of your thighs instead, the leg still between yours sliding up until you can feel the way your own boxers brush against his skin with every microscopic movement either of you makes. He bends the arm propping him up, dropping to his elbow. The head of his dick is hot and hard against your hip.

"This okay?" he asks, sliding his free hand down your corresponding thigh, nudging it up with gentle fingers until he has it bent, pressed against his. The way his boxers are bunched together and pulled taut across his legs must be uncomfortable. You hook a finger around his waistband and give it a tug, knuckles brushing against his engorged flesh. You completely ignore his question as you tell him, "You can take these off, you know."

He laughs, resting his forehead against yours. "I take that as a yes."

You roll your eyes; "I'm not a little girl, Egbert."

"I know," he rubs his nose against yours, the disgusting sap, "but that doesn't mean you can't be," he licks his lips and your eyes follow the movement of his tongue like you're hypnotized, "intimidated."

You laugh at that, quiet but sounding a little more forced than you were hoping. The grin John shoots you in reply tells you that he knows you're scared shitless despite your bravado. Reasons why he's your best friend : this.

You also suppose it's a good indicator as to why you're dating him as well.

“Just tell me if I’m going to far, or if you don’t like something, okay?”

He wiggles over you, somehow managing to strip himself of his boxers without A) falling on you or B) getting off of you. Dude has skills. Even if you're reasonably sure his boxers are still around one of his ankles.

"Done this a lot, have you?" you ask, raising one eyebrow. 

He snorts and presses his cheek against yours, the top of his chest just barely touching yours as he slides his free hand up your side murmurs into your ear, "Naw, just wanted to be sure I didn't do anything you, uh, weren't okay with."

You roll your eyes -- "Referring to your suave undressing there, bro." -- and wiggle your fingers against the sheets. You're not quite sure where to put your hands, but you don't want to just lay there like a dead fish so you place your palms against his biceps. Anything that could be construed as hesitance in your movement is purely from the room being dark. That's all.

You feel John's cheek pull back in a grin even as he replies, "The undressing of myself or of you?" He punctuates his words by brushing the pad of his thumb along where your chest starts to swell, naked flesh against naked flesh. You jump -- how the _hell_ did you not notice his hand _under_ your shirt? -- and hiss a string of curses.

"Fucking Christ, Egbert, warn a guy when you go after his tits, Jesus."

He jerks his hand away like the touch of your skin burns and sits back a little. "Sorry, I didn't, I thought, you didn't _notice_?" His hand resettles against your waist, fingertips just barely poking under your shirt where it had bunched up on that side. You can feel yourself flushing. He continues; "Can I, uh. Do, do you want me to stop?"

You give his arms an almost unconscious squeeze. "No, it's fine. I just, I wasn't expecting... that." This time, you do feel it as his hand creeps back upward along your ribcage.

"Is it alright if, if I..?" Even his fingers betray his hesitance this time, twitching against your side.

"Fondle my tits like a drunken frat boy?" you finish the thought for him. His lips pull into an apologetic, almost hopeful half smile and he seems to be staring very hard at your chin. You lick your lips. "Yeah. Why not?"

He brings his gaze up to meet yours, his eyes wide in surprise. "What, really? I mean, it's, it's okay with you? Seriously?"

"Batman serious." You roll your eyes. It takes about three seconds for John to fully process that, you guess, as that's how long it takes for him to break out laughing, pressing his face against your shoulder to muffle his snickers.

"Oh god, Dave, you are _such_ a dork!" he giggles when he finally starts to get himself under control.

"Fuck you."

He purrs, "Is that a serious offer?" against your neck, not missing a beat. He's no longer laughing, but you can still hear the mirth in his voice. You open your mouth to reply to his dumb, pervy joke, but nothing comes out. He kisses your throat and goes on, "Gonna try and ride me like a cowboy again, Dave?" For some reason, you shiver at his tone, even while your blush spreads as he allures to your drunken pass at him. "We could even play dress up. You could probably borrow a cowboy hat from Sollux; he grew up on a farm."

His lips wobble against your throat as he fights and inevitably fails to suppress his giggles.

"You're an idiot."

"I know!" he laughs, "That was so bad! And Sollux doesn't even really _have_ a cowboy hat!"

You're not even going to _ask_ how he knows that.

And then his hand is on your tit like nothing happened, even though he's still grinning like a total doof. You gasp, your chest jerking up into his touch against your will, and his grin softens.

"This okay?"

You shrug -- it's not the worst thing -- and as you do, your flesh shifts against his palm and you make a face. He squeezes and kisses your cheek.

"Don't make faces like that, Dave. Makes me worry," he says, and you reply, "I won't when it's no longer weird."

He laughs at that, pressing closer to you. The head of his dick bumps against your stomach again, skin catching on skin until the sticky wetness at its very tip draws a line for it to slide along. You swallow hard and ignore the way you suddenly feel very warm, caged in his arms again.

"Good luck with that," he tells you, stroking his thumb across your nipple, "Sex is weird and gross and pretty sticky so, yeah. It's fun though, and it feels really great if you, y'know, let it."

Your shirt slides up farther, gathering under your armpit on the side he's fondling. The air is cool against your hot skin and you tell yourself that's the reason you shiver, your skin breaking out in goosebumps and your nipples hardening. John kisses along your jaw and his dick throbs and twitches, smearing more precum against your stomach. He's scooting down, you notice as his lips make their way down your neck. He has both hands in the mix now too, nudging your shirt up to reveal your other tit as well.

===> DAVE : TAKE A MOMENT TO BE JOHN

You are now taking a moment to be John because oh god, Dave's boobs are amazing and adorable, fitting perfectly against your palm, their itty bitty nipples rock hard against your fingers -- you were right about them being tiny; now that you're allowed to get a good look at them, you see there's hardly any areola to them, but fuck, do they seem sensitive. Dave is not nearly as good at hiding his reactions as he thinks he is and the way he keeps pushing his chest against your hands is very telling.

===> JOHN : GO BACK TO BEING DAVE

You return to being Dave and the way your shirt is all lumpy against your back and under your arms is starting to irritate you. You push at John's shoulders, mumbling, "Hold on a sec," to get him to move his face out of your way so you can strip the offending article of clothing off. John makes a noise, a pleased little squeak, while you arch off the bed, shirt momentarily tangled around your elbows and head. When you free yourself, you find him staring unabashed at your tits. He flicks his eyes to yours, grinning.

"You are really freaking hot," he tells you. You shrug and turn your head away, half hiding behind one shoulder. "You really are, " he continues, "Like, I don't even have _words_ for how gorgeous you are." You want to groan and cocoon yourself away from this embarrassment, but you are a Strider and Striders don't get embarrassed, so instead you bite your lip and shrug again. His knuckles bump against your stomach, breath hitching. You spare a glance down at him and yup. He is totally jerking off while staring at you like a creep. The muscles in your thighs twitch at this and you have the sudden, inexplicable urge to squeeze them together.

You drag your eyes up to his and he gives you a sheepish grin and half a shrug, like he's embarrassed but jerking off to you is too much of a common occurrence that he doesn't really care.

"What?" he says with a laugh, "I can't help it. You're sexy, man."

This time you do groan, hiding your face under the guise of a times-two facepalm combo. He laughs again, almost too loud for the quiet of your apartment, and you feel him move over you.

"Gonna go after your chest again," he warns good naturedly. You grumble in acknowledgement, pressing your palms harder against your face.

His nose bumps against your collarbone and he snickers while he spatially re-orients himself and.

And the high pitched little squeak that happens when he wraps wet lips around your nipple totally was not you. Not even. When he sucks and it happens again, you tell yourself that Karkat lit something on fire and now your apartment is burning down because that was _not_ you, there was no way that was you. And then there's a breathy little moan as he gives your boob a squeeze and the way he grins around a mouthful of tit makes you give up because he knows it was you.

"You okay?" he asks, breath hot against your spit damp skin. You shiver and your voice catches in your throat as you attempt to croak out a "yeah". You feel him grin again; "Feels good, right?"

Your answer is to grab for a pillow from behind your head and squash it against your face. John laughs at you some more, his hand and mouth leaving your body in a glorious reprisal from all these weird FEELS you've been having. His touch returns, fingers wrapping around one wrist while your shield of fluff wrapped in pastel ponies is stripped from you. You keep your eyes firmly closed, scowling. John just keeps laughing.

"Dude, there's nothing to be shy about," he tells you, leaning in for a kiss. You squirm under him, continuing with your face-making, because there is totaly THINGS to be embarrassed about right now. Lots of things. Things like how your face is giving your eyes a run for their money in the redness category. Things like how your cool is so non-existent, it's now residing in a completely different universe. Things like how John keeps laughing like you're the most inexperienced twerp to ever attempt anything remotely sexual. Which, okay, yeah, is kind of true.

Your squirming brings your crotch in contact with the leg John still has between yours and fuck. You suck in a hard breath between your teeth, damn near every muscle in your body tensing, pulling your back into an arch. Dimly, in a corner of your mind, you notice a hitch in John's breathing, which he had been keeping remarkably calm.

You deflate with a wobbly peep, curling your toes into the sheets. You're actually getting off on this. The random boner you popped at the beginning of this quarter wasn't a one off thing. You are aroused and that is kind of terrifying.

"Dave?"

You crack one eye open, grimacing, to see John still hovering over you. He somehow looks both concerned and amused.

"Basement's flooded," is all you manage to squeak out, hating how high and weak your voice sounds.

His eyebrows raise in surprise; "Oh?" then he grins one of his more mischievous grins, "Want some help?"

Your crotch actually _throbs_ at that, how the fuck? And you have nothing to hide behind, not even your shades to cover the panic you're sure is showing in your eyes. This is stupid, this pointless, asinine _fear_ you're holding for some reason. You may not have ever expected this to happen, but it has and, at least on some level, you're enjoying it. What are you so scared of? That you'll suddenly be a girl, that John's view of you will change?

You steel yourself, swallowing back your doubt, and lick your lips before you say, "Yeah."

John touches your cheek, thumb brushing over the corner of your mouth. "You sure?" he asks.

You meet his eyes for a long moment; inhale, exhale, scrub your hand across your face to wipe away any lingering anxiety, and nod. "Yeah."

He nods back; "Okay. Just let me know if, if I'm going to far, okay?"

Your eyes slip shut as you nod again, agreeing. Your chest still feels tight with nerves and you still want to run away and hide like this never happened because this is _wrong_ , you're not supposed to feel like this, not supposed to _ache_ like this, even if you're not quite sure what you're aching for.

John's fingers seem almost hesitant as he places them against the bottom of your stomach, palm half against the waistband of your shorts. His touch snaps back into confidence a split second before he starts sliding his hand around, down your thigh, to bring your knee more firmly against his hip. The shift has the cotton of your boxers rubbing against your nether regions and you shiver; you weren't nearly this sensitive before.

That's all John does from the waist down, his lips descending on yours in light, sweet kisses. You devour them, eager to distract yourself with the familiar. He moans into your mouth when you thread your fingers through the short hair at the back of his neck and you make a noise in return that you're ashamed to say could only be termed as a whimper.

And then he presses his thigh against your crotch and you grind down without thinking. John grins against your lips as you squeeze the back of his neck in a deathgrip and curse. He rolls against you again, harder, making you choke on your breath and arch against him.

Fucking Christ, how can you even be this sensitive?

===> DAVE : BE JOHN AGAIN

You are now John once more and Dave's so wet you can feel where he's soaked through his boxers. The damp spot you keep pressing your thigh against makes your dick throb with want and you hope to god that Dave asks for more so you can sink into him like you've been fantasizing about for ages. You're dying to know exactly how he'd feel wrapped around you, whether he'd be able to bite back all his little noises the way he is now with you filling him, fucking him.

You moan at that thought. His breath is hot as he pants against your lips, his legs squeezing around yours as he rubs himself against you. You don't think he even realizes how much he's moving, sharp, tense jerks of his hips.

On second thought, you think you'd rather continue with this. There's no way you'd be able to last if you were in him right now and you like him squirming under you maybe a little too much.

===> JOHN : BE DAVE AGAIN

Oh fuck, oh fuck, dear sweet Jesus in heaven above, your body is on fire in all the best ways you never could have imagined prior to this. Every synapse is burning with pleasure and it's fucking weird but so fucking _good_ too, you can hardly believe it. John starts trailing kisses along your face, down your neck. Every press of his lips makes you shudder and when he bites the meat of your shoulder, you moan and buck up against him. The hand he has on your thigh mirrors his mouth's migration, sliding back up your leg to your hip, leaving a trail of goosebumps in it's wake that does nothing to dampen your arousal. At this point, you think nothing short of the world ending could stop this strange, runaway train of hormones you're on.

Not even John's fingers working their way into your shorts as he whispers, "Tell me if I'm going to far, okay?"

You just nod and cling to him as his hand disappears into your shorts and.

Oh god.

Dear fucking lord.

His fingers are unbelievably slick as they move against you, rubbing against over sensitive skin. Sweet mother of god, you have to shove your hand against your mouth to muffle the sound that pops out of you. He finds the nub of flesh and nerves you have in place of a dick, fingertip catching the slit of your urethra, and you keen behind your hand, your body arching into his touch. He chuckles softly against your shoulder as you squirm, your free knee slowly gravitating towards your chest.

He keeps at it, every press of his fingers against your clit making you gasp and jerk into his touch, every brush lower making you moan. You can feel him breathing hard too, lips pressed against your collarbone.

He slides a finger into you, in then back out, just once, before adding a second one. A different one? You’re not sure but jesus dick. You let out a string of curses that has him stilling and asking if you're alright and all you can thing to say in reply while you claw at his shoulder is : "Just, fucking _please_."

He groans against your skin and fucks you with those fingers until you see stars and you moan with every breath like you're a cheap whore cast in a shitty porn.

But you can't help yourself. It just feels so fucking good. It’s terrifying and _amazing_ and strange as shit but John’s gasping in your ear again, sucking at your jaw and you can feel his hip rock in time with the hand he has down your pants and it takes everything you’ve got to not clamp your thighs around his wrist and, and fuck.

Fuck.

Less than a minute goes by before you're clawing at the pillow under your head, literally choking on air how the fuck, and you're pretty sure you come. You ride out the influx of pleasure in shuddering waves, damn near every muscle in your body tense, and gasp a moan.

John doesn't stop for an instant. You barely manage to gulp down a couple breaths of air before you find another ripping through you, and then a third. By the time John decides to pull his hand out from your shorts, you're nothing more than a trembling mess of liquified bones.

Yeah. Those were totally orgasms. Holy shit.

"You ok?"

The only answer you can give is a high pitched, warbling, "Uhn," and a nod. He kisses your temple.

"Good."

You watch him through half lidded eyes as he sits back, dick hard and flushed an angry red. He notices your gaze and grins. "Will you do something for me?" he asks, sticky fingers against your hip. You nod, dazed, and his grins spreads. He takes your hand in one of his, pulling out the waistband of your boxers with the other, and pokes your fingers underneath. You can feel the blush spread across your face.

Your crotch has either transformed into a swamp or been teleported to Florida, the skin you touch humidly moist. It's kind of gross, really, but the way John licks his lips as he watches encourages you to push your hand lower. Here, it's practically slimey and -- oh.

Oh wow.

You shudder as you rub at yourself, still hyper sensitive from John's attentions. Just, holy shit, _wow_.

===> LET'S BE JOHN AGAIN

You return once more to being John and.

And holy fuck, you got Dave to start jerking himself off, this might beat everything else you've ever thought was hot before. He's jerking off and unabashedly enjoying it and it only takes you a firm squeeze and three hard strokes before you're coming, hips twitching to thrust into your grip.

"Fuh- _ffffuck_ ," you hiss, trembling, and watch as your first shot clears Dave's stomach entirely, spattering against his breastbone. He jumps, red eyes snapping open wide to stare slack jawed at you and, yeah. _That_ is the hottest thing you've ever seen. You dribble onto his stomach and across your knuckles as you ride out your orgasm, breathing hard between your clenched teeth.

===> AND BACK TO DAVE

You're still all liquidy and crosseyed in leftover orgasmic bliss. John's liquidy orgasmic bliss is slowly cooling on your skin. You pull your boneless hand out from your shorts through sheer force of will, running slick fingertips through the puddles of jizz on your stomach.

John makes a strangled noise as he stares hard at your torso while you deadpan, "Way to make a mess."

"It, uh, seemed like a good idea at the time."

You snort, brain cells slowly activating, "Acting out a scene from one of your favourite pornos?"

He balks at that, flushing pink. "No!" he assures, climbing off you and then the bed.

"Yeah, sure."

He drops a towel on you, still slightly damp from his earlier shower, before leaning over to kiss you. It's soft and sweet and you eagerly kiss him back. He mumbles against your lips, "I just thought it'd be, you know, more intimate than if I came in my hand or something."

You roll your eyes and whisper back, "That makes so much sense, I am absolutely flabbergasted."

He tries to kiss you some more, grinning like a doof the whole time. "Well, my hand's covered in your jizz, so it's only fair that you're covered in mine."

"Dude, nasty."

He just laughs as you make grossed out faces at him. He sits back so he can wiggle his sticky, crotch-juice infused fingers at you. Then he pops two of them in his mouth, giving them an over-exaggerated suck. Your jaw drops as he moans, "Oh man, Dave, you taste _so_ good."

Oh dear lord.

===> DAVE : BE JOHN INSTEAD

Since Dave is currently embarrassed to the point of in-coherency, you are now John, and you weren't kidding when you said Dave tasted good. Wow fuck, you like going down on girls in general, but Dave is sharp and tangy and pretty much the flavour of sex in it's entirety. Your dick gives a feeble twitch as you suck the residue of Dave's orgasms off your fingers, watching him squirm as you do so.

He's gone red from ear to ear, splotchy pink cheeks making his freckles stand out, his milky blue on red eyes still staring at you in shock. You give another moan, slurping noisily at your fingers.

"Oh god, that is so _gross_ ," he whines, covering his face with one hand -- the hand that you had tucked into his boxers containing the fingers he had slid through your jizz on his belly. He makes a noise of disgust as he inadvertently smears your combined spunk across one cheek. You just laugh.


	30. BOYS ARE STUPID

===> THE NEXT MORNING

John gets up before you, shuffling off to the bathroom. You roll over into his warm spot and crack your eyes just in time to see him scratch at his nuts. Wow, your boyfriend is seriously attractive.

He leaves your shared room and comes back in short order. You don't hardly move; his spot is very comfortable, and very warm. But as John returns, nudging the door shut with his hip, he's making faces at hand, the one that was very much down your pants last night.

"Dude, I am going to have to remember to wash my hands after we do stuff. I totally had to scrape your spunk out from under my fingernails."

It is. Too early for this. You opt to drag the blanket over your head and pretend those two sentences were never uttered. The bed dips as John sits next to you and they're brief pressure against the nape of your neck.

"It doesn't bother me," he mutters at you, his fingers brushing against your shoulders, "Promise. I actually sort of really like it.”

His chuckle is sheepish and awkward, and he climbs over you to lay back down.

“It’s a good thing,” he tells you, “You being that, uh, wet. And you liked it, right?”

It’s too early for this. You’re blushing like a schoolgirl.

“Don’t wax poetical over my crotch, okay?” you grumble into the pillows.

He snickers, “I’m not! I’m just appreciating your crotch?”

You snort, “Okay that’s even worse.”

“But I do! I _like_ your crotch. It’s a nice crotch.”

You huff a sigh and he snuggles close, chin on your shoulder and an arm around your waist.

“You know, pouting isn’t going to make me think you’re any less attractive,” he teases. You let him pull the blanket away from your face, scowling as he kisses your forehead. “Come on, Karkat’s cooking breakfast. I think there’s bacon.”

He stands and steps over you and you figure you might as well emerge from your cocoon. Bacon is always worth it.

You catch John watching you as you sit up, blanket wrapped loosely around your shoulders. You never bothered putting a shirt back on after last night, too jelly boned to move. It’s a little weird, but John’s now officially had his hand down your pants and his face in your tits so there’s no point in being embarrassed.

You’re still embarrassed. You just pretend you aren’t because it’s dumb.

John hands you your binder with a lopsided grin, averting his eyes while you put it on. You decide fuck your usual routine. It’s Sunday morning and you’re trying not to flip out because you’re pretty sure last night qualifies as you losing your virginity.

“So, uh, you should probably not wear a shirt with too loose of a collar,” your boyfriend tells you bashfully, pink in the face, “I sort of left a couple of hickies.”

You slap your hands around your neck, eyes wide, and he sputters, “No they’re both pretty low it’s okay! Just wear a regular shirt, instead of one where you’ve stretched the collar to shit.”

You finish getting dressed, your face hot, and duck into the bathroom before facing the world, to piss and take a peek at the hickies. They’re not all that bad, brownish red in the middle, but they stand out brilliantly against your pasty ass skin. You’re really glad they ended up not actually on your neck.

Halfway through breakfast, Karkat tells you, “Stop fucking with your hickies, dickhead.”

===>

You spend all day trying to figure out a way to tell your sister about you and John going at it but in the end you decide you don’t want to talk about it and before you know it, spring classes are over and you’re flying back home.

===> JOHN : GO WHINE ABOUT YOUR BOYFRIEND TO HIS SISTER

EB : roooooooose!   
EB : dave is stupid.   
EB : boys are stupid. why am i dating a boy?   
TT : I do believe you have sufficiently answered your own question with your previous statement of "boys are stupid". Forgive me if I am wrong, but I do believe that can be applied to you as well.   
EB : bluuuuuuuh DX   
EB : not what i meant.   
TT : Well then, do enlighten me. My day is just not complete with a dose of yours and Dave's drama.   
EB : we don't have drama!   
EB : dave's got all the drama!   
EB : all of it DX   
TT : I take it then that my darling brother has done something? Despite, of course, being in the room next to mine, minding his own business, on the opposite coast of the country from you.   
EB : it's not what he's doing, it's what he won't do DX   
TT : John, if I have to reiterate the consequences of you pressuring my brother into activities he is not yet ready for, you will very much regret it.   
EB : i'm not! promise!   
EB : it's just...   
EB : it's like, something will be perfectly fine one day and then he just kind of flips out and it's not fine anymore.   
EB : and it's really frustrating.   
EB : really really frustrating DX   
EB : he's even making jerking off frustrating!   
EB : and it SUCKS Dx   
TT : Have you discussed this with him?   
EB : ao'ghaldxkg   
EB : no.   
TT : Well, there you go.   
EB : but i don't know hooooow DX   
EB : he goes all weird if i even try to bring up the topic, so i mostly just let it go until we're actually DOING stuff and then it's mostly just me asking if what i'm doing is okay and stuff.   
EB : which works, i guess, because he's a lot less hesitant in, like, the heat of the moment when he doesn't get a chance to think things to death, but now i'm really worried that he regrets it which would SUCK because it was AMAZING.   
EB : like, really, really great.   
TT : The two of you actually had sex?   
EB : uh, yeah, i guess?   
EB : mostly it was just foreplay things but we both got off so i guess it counts?   
TT : Nothing penetrative then?   
EB : uh.   
TT : John.   
EB : i just suddenly realized that you're dave's sister and discussing the specifics of our sex life is actually really creepy.   
TT : Well, you did solicit my help in regards to your relationship issues.   
EB : yeah i guess.   
EB : it's still really awkward, okay?   
TT : I understand. However, my concern is also perfectly reasonable, given Dave's, shall I say, quirks revolving around non-platonic intimate relations.   
EB : and if i hurt him, you'll gut me, et cetera, et cetera.   
TT : Indeed.   
TT : I take it there was some form of penetration?   
EB : yeah. i fingered him, okay? i asked if it was okay and he basically said yeah, so.   
EB : yup. i'm just gonna go die of embarrassment now.   
TT : Basically.   
EB : yeah.   
TT : "Basically" leaves a lot of room open for interpretation.   
EB : *SIGH*   
EB : he said something along the lines of "oh fuck, please", okay?   
EB : i get this whole super protective sibling thing but i really don't plan on hurting him.   
EB : i'm pretty sure the next time i ask if something's alright, i'm gonna get punched.   
EB : dave's more than capable of taking care of himself and i'm being as patient as i possibly can.   
EB : it's just..   
EB : i've only gotten to touch him once and i know he liked it but i've barely gotten to kiss him since and it's frustrating as fuck but if tell him this, he'll start thinking he owes me and then HE'LL push things faster than he's actually okay with.   
EB : because he's STUPID.   
TT : I see. I shall discuss things with Dave here shortly, on your behalf, as I do agree that he is stupid.   
TT : Is it safe to presume you will be joining us at our estate for a brief period?   
EB : yeah, that's the plan.   
TT : Alright. I shall bid you farewell for the moment while I attempt to talk some sense into my idiot brother.   
EB : thanks rose.   
EB : i really appreciate it.   
TT : I should hope so.   
EB : and good luck.

===> ROSE : GO TALK SOME SENSE INTO YOUR IDIOT BROTHER

Yes, you suppose that is something you should take care of. No use in procrastinating. You stand from your place on the living room couch, closing your laptop to set off to the side, and dust off the simple yoga pants you've taken to wearing around the house as of late. You take your time making your way up to Dave's room, stopping in the kitchen to retrieve a couple of cans of soda -- a peace offering -- and scooping Mutie up off the stairs -- a different sort of peace offering. He likes to pretend to be impartial, but you are quite aware of your brother's love for your mutant cat. Dave finds her numerous toes to be adorable and she's the only other living being he allows up in his nest, barring, you presume, John, now that they are dating.

You rap sharply on his door, just twice, before you open it. Dave's head peeks out from over the railing in the lofted part of his room, a cheese puff sticking out from between his lips. He pokes it the rest of the way into his mouth, likely storing it in one cheek in order to say, "Yeah?"

You nudge the door shut behind you, dropping Mutie to the floor, and show him your bounty. "Your boyfriend has requested my interference in your relationship," you tell him, crossing the room to perch on the edge of the dresser acting as the step up to the loft. He makes a face, chewing his powdered cheese flavoured snack slowly, and leans over to take the soda you offer him, only to settle with his back against the railing.

"He is quite frustrated," you continue, "by a number of your actions."

Dave sighs and you hear the crinkle of plastic marking the bag of cheese puffs. You pop the tab on your soda, taking a sip while you wait for him to reply. When he doesn't, you once more proceed.

"He seems to think that if he were to contact you directly about his frustrations, you would automatically assume that you owe him something; specifically, sex. I am curious as to why he would think that."

He doesn't respond. Such is the way your conversations tend to go with your darling brother.

"He also mentioned that, at one point, the two of you had intimate contact but also that you are now hesitant to engage in even the most chaste of romantic affections."

Your brother's voice is quiet when, much to your surprise, he answers; "I liked it."

You raise your eyebrows. "Pardon?"

"I got off and I liked it and it was fucking weird."

"And so you do not want to engage in such activities again?"

"How would you feel if you suddenly realized you liked some dude's dick shoved in you?"

You smirk, "I do, actually, quite enjoy penetrative sex, although the dicks have always belonged to fetching young women." He shoots you a glare over his shoulder. You take another sip of your soda. "I suppose the simile is accurate enough. It would be quite disconcerting if I were to suddenly acquire a taste for a more heteronormative sex life, but I don't see any reason to stop if I found it enjoyable. Do you regret what happened?"

"No. Maybe. I don’t know. It was weird."

"You will have to elaborate, dear brother."

He sighs, shifts around in his nest, chews on some more of his stashed away snacks, before flopping out so his head is by the opening for the long abandoned ladder and, eventually, grumbles, "I don't know. I liked it and I really liked that John liked it but -- " another sigh, " -- I don't know. It's the wrong kind, I guess."

"So you're uncomfortable with the set of genetailia you have?"

He snorts at that, "Understatement of the year, there, Lalonde."

"I suppose so," your lips twist into a wry smile, "But I take it they cause you more issues with sex than having the corresponding set would?"

"Dicks, sis. They're called dicks." You chuckle at that as he continues, "And yeah, probably. Then again, if I was a real boy, I probably wouldn't be in this situation with John anyway."

"You never know. He seems like he genuinely likes you for _you_ , darling brother. He's a good man," you assure him.

He lets his head fall to the side, giving you the smallest of smiles. "Yeah, he is," he agrees, his voice soft. You smile at that yourself, pleased to know the depths of your brother's feelings for his partner.

"He's also a very frustrated man," you remind him.

"Yeaaaah," he drawls,"I just need to suck it up, is all."

"Yes, avoiding what is causing you worry is not the best course of action."

You watch as he rolls his eyes at that, snarking, "You're a stuck up bitch. Get the fuck outta my room."

You smirk but take your leave, the quest you were sent on complete.

===> DAVE : PESTER YOUR BOYFRIEND

TG : yo   
EB : hey dave <3   
TG : sup   
EB : nothing much.   
EB : miss you though. can't wait 'til i get to see you <3   
TG : yeah thatll be cool   
TG : so i heard youve been getting your feeling jams on with my sis   
EB : uh, yeah. i hope that's okay?   
TG : yeah its cool whatevs   
TG : you really think id   
TG : you know   
EB : uh, not really?   
TG : jump you and shit because i owe you?   
EB : wow, dave, breaking out the punctuation and everything ;B   
TG : fuck off im being serious   
EB : I know.   
EB : and maybe a little?   
EB : i guess it wouldn't be like that time, when you were drunk and stuff, but i donno.   
EB : it kind of seems like something you'd do :T   
TG : great knowing you hold such a high opinion of me bro   
EB : daaave! you know that's not how i meant it!   
EB: you're just kind of stupid about the whole sex thing.   
EB : which i don't mind, like, at all. it's really adorable <3   
EB : and i'm totally down with being better at something than you.   
EB : but you kinda only have two modes when it comes to sexy things.   
EB : either "idk what the fuck i'm doing, let's go full speed ahead" or "idk what the fuck i'm doing, so i'm not doing it".   
TG : bite me   
EB : that can be arranged ;B   
EB : but we should probably discuss what your limits are at the moment.   
TG : yeah i suppose   
TG : what do you want?   
EB : wow this is totes a serious conversation. twice you've broken out punctuation.   
EB : but it's less what i want and more what you're okay with.   
TG : fuck you   
EB : yeah, i'd be down for that ;B   
EB : though i think that'd be moving a little too fast and i'd really rather not be murdered by your siblings.   
EB : especially since i'm going to be at your house for a couple of weeks.   
TG : heh   
TG : yeah   
TG : idk   
EB : ?   
TG : i am the epitome of the good little virgin   
TG : masturbation what is that   
EB : you've never jerked off?   
TG : ive tried a couple times but its boring so   
EB : so you really don't know what there is to do?   
TG : nop   
TG : help me obi wan   
TG : youre my only hope   
EB : wow, okay.   
EB : uh, so what we did before class ended?   
TG : yeah thats cool   
EB : k, cool.   
EB : and sloppy makeouts too, right?   
TG : no shit   
TG : except the whole tongue thing   
TG : that shits nasty yo   
EB : lol, yeah. i remember :B   
EB : so what about blow jobs?   
TG : yeah sure i could give some dick sucking a shot   
EB : and i can return the favour?

===> WHOOPS LETS INTERRUPT THIS PESTERLOG FOR SOME DESCRIPTIONS YO

You are now the guy hiding behind the pesterchum handle turntechGodhead while you discuss sexy thing with your boyfriend and at that last line he typed, your face does a fantastic impression of a normal person's range of expressed emotions, from eyebrows-in-hairline surprise, to cherry-red embarrassment, to an ashen cocktail of nervous panic-shame, and it is a damned good thing it's just you and your sister's cat in the room. You'd take being fucked straight out over that. At least that way, his face isn't directly in line with your god damned cooch.

===> OKAY, YUP, BACK TO THE PESTERLOG NOW

EB : dave?   
TG : nop that shit is also nasty   
EB : and sucking a dick isn't?   
EB : daaaaaave :O   
TG : its weird   
EB : ?   
EB : being on the receiving end?   
TG : yeah   
EB : how so?

===>

You don't know what to say. Hell, you hardly have any idea what the fuck you're even _doing_ most the time. All of your previous relationships have really not gone anywhere, let alone gotten you laid, and you sure as hell haven't gathered the nerve to explore the ol' fun tunnel yourself. And there had never been any reason to.

Fuck, this is hard. It's hard and nobody understands.

Not even you.

But unfortunately, you still have to answer John.

===>

TG : im not supposed to have   
TG : that   
EB : okay now i am totally confused :T   
TG: thats cool forget about it   
EB : dave.   
TG : no worries bro you just keep doing your thing and ill just   
TG : be over here   
TG : and shit

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has logged off! --

EB : damnit dave!   
EB : we should talk about this!

===> JOHN : BE FRUSTRATED

You're boyfriend is really dumb, Jesus. You just really don't get why it's such a big deal. Which, you guess, probably makes you come off as an insensitive bastard, but you're trying! Dave is just dumb and frustrating and likes to avoid anything that makes him uncomfortable and it's stupid. Really, really stupid!

It's stupid and frustrating and you really don't know how to go about getting things with him out and in the open. Except maybe now he'll be okay with more frequent sexy things? Or at least general not-platonic things, like kissing. That would be awesome.


	31. CONFLICTED BONERS

===> JOHN : FLY OUT TO NEW YORK

Oh man, yes! You are so excited to see your boyfriend again, even if it’s only been like, two weeks since he went home for the summer.You are just way too used to spending basically all your time together. It’s not a bad thing! It just makes the fact that, technically, the two of you live on opposite sides of the country a little difficult.

But after a plane ride and a really long drive, you’re back at the Lalonde estate, ready for three weeks of non-stop boyfriend snuggles.

===>

EB : omg dave.   
EB : dave.   
TG : dude im like ten minutes out fucking cool your tits   
EB : dude your bro wears panties.   
TG : .....   
TG : brb laughing ass off   
EB : no, dave! it's not fucking funny!   
EB : i totally just ended up manhandling your BROTHER'S panties and making an ass out of myself because i thought they were rose's.   
EB : but she was all like ye verily, i'm too prim and snooty for orange panties, those belong to my darling brother, you should return those to him, his door is at the end of the hall.   
EB : but i just stuffed them behind the washer instead because there is NO FUCKING WAY i am knocking on your creepy brother's door to hand over a pair of panties that i found in my wash that actually belong to HIM.   
EB : why does he even wear panties anyway?   
EB : it's weeeeeeirrddddd DX   
TG : says the guy who asked his bf to model frilly lady undies   
TG : whyd you think it wasnt a big deal for me   
EB : dave, a little sympathy would be nice.   
EB : i mean seriously.   
TG : yeah yeah fine   
TG : oh my dearest john i am entirely sympathetic to your plight   
TG : how dare my brother put you in this situation where you have *GASP* accidentally come across a pair of his underwear   
EB : but he's a guy, dave! he's not supposed to wear panties!   
TG : and again i mention that you yourself have asked me   
TG : aka your boyfriend   
TG : aka the guy you are dating   
TG : to wear panties so you can get your rocks off   
EB : well, like you said, you're my boyfriend so it's totally fine for me to think about you in something lacy and see through.   
EB : but i could have really lived a full and happy life never knowing that your brother wears panties.   
EB : i really could have.   
TG : yeah yeah shut up   
TG : pulling in again   
TG : come get your fucking pizza you dork

===>

It's early Sunday morning. You've spent the last half hour staring at Egbert's profile, hosting an internal war with yourself. A really stupid war. A war between the side of you that you think wants in John's pants and the side of you that's a huge fucking pussy. Metaphorically.

The former, in the end, outweighs the latter and totally squashes it into submission. You're going to do this. You're going to make this happen.

You’re going to suck your boyfriend’s dick.

You kiss John awake, pressing pecks against his cheeks and lips until he starts kissing back. "I'm gonna suck your dick now, Egbert," you tell him, tone completely flat. You wait for him to mumble an affirmative back at you before you crawl down him until you straddle his knees. His dick tents his shorts. You place a hesitant hand on it and give it a careful squeeze. He's not all that hard, but that's okay. You palm him gently through his shorts and listen to him hum in appreciation. He's still half asleep and you almost feel bad about that but, well, you did tell him, and he did, sort of, ask, even if it was hypothetical and a while ago.

(You still feel like an ass for just ditching that conversation.)

You lean forward, pressing your lips against the bulge. One of John's hands come up and he slides fingers through your hair.

"You don' have to," he murmurs.

You could say something cheesy like, "But I want to." You could be a total sappy romantic moron about this. Instead, you shrug and continue.

Sucking a dick is not something you're terribly knowledgeable about. You have, obviously, never done it before. Mostly, you just know that a blow job consists of a dick going in a mouth. There's sucking and licking and bobbing your head up and down, and really, it doesn't sound too difficult. You figure you’ll be able to manage.

Wow, okay, maybe you are pretty knowledgeable.

You're still a little scared that you'll fuck up.

But the sounds John is making at your current ministrations are fairly reassuring. You squeeze him gently and slide your palm up and down his clothed length. He’s reasonably hard now; there's a spot of wet darkness on the front of his shorts, where his dick ends, and the fabric is starting to stick to his skin there. You press a finger against the spot and come away trailing a line of goo. You make a face you really hope he doesn't see. It’s a lot grosser actually seeing how his precome clings to your skin compared to just how it feels.

But you roll with it anyway, slipping fingers through the fly of his boxers to touch skin. He hisses at that, rocking his hips up, and his erection twitches, arching out with his hips.

You grin; that’s your favourite part.

You snake your hand back out of his shorts, having deemed him hard enough to put in your mouth, and pull on the waistband. He lets you tug them down, leaving them mid thigh and you’re faced with his naked dick. Literally; his dick is basically right up against your face. It’s flushed ruddy, jutting out and curving ever so slightly to one side. 

You give him a gentle stroke, bare skin against bare skin, and he rocks into the motion. You do it again, a little harder, a little faster, and he breathes a moan. You lean down to kiss it, and it jerks against your lips, and, in turn, you part to let your tongue run against the underside.

Mostly, it just tastes like skin. Down here smells maybe a little thicker, musky and dark, compared to the rest of him, but not all that different either.

The hardest part about this, for you, you find, was just getting started, but fuck if the way John’s gasping your name is worth it.

You lick at him, kiss along his length, suck here and there, your fingers touching where your lips aren't, fucking _worship_ his dick with your mouth and hands. It’s actually kind of boring to _do_ , but he’s almost continuously lets out tiny little noises, gasps and groans and his hips twitch up with every couple of breaths. That’s the part you like.

When you finally wrap your lips around his head, you yourself are uncomfortably aroused.

You ignore your crotch in favour of focusing on how he fills your mouth. Your jaw aches a little from being stretched so wide and you don’t bother trying to suck back more than the first inch and a half, but he doesn’t seem to mind. He’s still running his fingers through your hair, practically petting your head. You succeed in not snickering at that, pressing your tongue firmly against the underside of his head. The tendon there is interesting to push against and John hisses, “Fuck,” at the increase in pressure.

You grin around his dick, backing off before flattening your tongue back against that spot and John groans, low and long.

He throbs in your mouth and it’s hilariously gross, but pretty neat, you think, as you lap away the precome gathered at his tip. It doesn’t taste that great, but whatever. It’s also not the worst thing, especially considering it’s the prelude to baby batter. The grossest part is how it sticks to your tongue like the slime of okra.

His fingers tug at your hair, urging you to to go faster you guess. You shift your weight, grimacing at the wet mess you’re making of your boxers sticks to your skin.

You pick up the pace, wanting to get him off as quickly as possible so you don’t have a chance to make an ass out of yourself. John gasps and cants his hips up, thrusting into your mouth just a hair. You squeak out a noise, face hot, and redouble your efforts.

“Oh shit, fuck,” John breathes, his voice a harsh whisper and just a tiny bit desperate, “‘m gonna come if you keep that up.”

He lets out a tiny, nervous laugh and you press the tip your tongue against the bottom of his head again.

“Fuck, Dave.”

He’s gone tense under you and you think you feel his dick swell just a little more in your hand just before he comes in your mouth.

It doesn’t dribble onto your tongue like it did your fingers. It shoots against the roof of your mouth and you jerk back just in time to get the rest of it across your face, choking on how bad it tastes. You swallowed out of instinct and you can feel his jizz coat your throat as it drips down your face.

John’s gone limp, breathing hard with his eyes closed and your hand still on his dick. Which is basically the only part of him that isn’t limp.

“You okay?” he asks you and he’s not the only one breathing hard.

You gasp, “Yeah,” except it comes out sounding more like a question than a statement. He drags himself upwards, propping himself up on his elbows as he peels his eyelids open.

“Fuck,” he groans, flopping back, “Dave, why are you so hot.”

You’re still straddling his knees, hand on his dick, with his spizz dripping down your wide eyed face as you gasp like a fish out of water and you’re alternating between wanting to hump his leg and vomiting because you want to hump his leg. You’re not sure how that qualifies as attractive. You’re not even lit well!

John tugs you up, his hand gentle around your wrist, until you straddle his hips instead so he can wipe your face clean for you. It’s really fucking sweet and he moans when you kiss him.

You think you’re dripping down your thigh.

“I really want to fuck you,” he whispers against your lips, “I really, really do.”

You don’t even think about it. You just say, “Okay.”

You can feel his dick brush against your junk as he squirms under you, exhaling hard through his nose. His hands are firm on your hips and you think he really wants to pull you down against him. You think you really want him to pull you down against him.

“Please don’t say that unless you actually mean it.”

You don’t tell him you do mean it. You just drop your head to his shoulder, hunching over him, and push one of his hands against your crotch. He groans at that, pressing his lips against your neck.

“What do you want me to do?” he asks, ever the gentleman.

You hiss, “I don’t know, jerk me off or something.”

“Can I go down on you?”

You shake your head no, clinging to his shoulders.

“Can I take your underwear off?”

You shove your boxers down your legs, your face burning and your cunt throbbing.

“You sure?”

You nod, jerking your hips against his hand when his fingers finally slide over your junk.

===> JOHN : TOUCH YOUR BOYFRIEND

You really hope he does actually want you to and isn’t just doing this to make you happy. He’s been a lot more willing to mack on you and stuff since you arrived but this is the first time you’ve actually _done_ anything since ages ago. You don’t want him to think he’s obligated to let you touch him. You like it, sure. You like it _a lot_ , and he seems to like it physically but you don’t want him to regret it.

But he’s so fucking wet when he pushes your hand against him, wonderfully slick when you rub your fingers against him. Shit, he’d slide onto you so easily and you’re still so fucking hard and he said okay. He said fucking okay. You aren’t going to take him thinking with his dick as a go ahead but he’s actually considering it.

Holy fuck, you want nothing more than to be balls deep in your smoking hot boyfriend.

You also really don’t want him to regret it. Your boner is conflicted.

You think his is too, considering the way he clings to you, face buried in your neck as you rub at his clit. He’s gasping and groaning and rocking into your hand, even if his limbs are stiff, so he _likes_ what you’re doing, but you don’t think he likes that he likes it.

It’s cute and also really worrisome, and you think he’d punch you if you stop.

He pushes at your hand with a frustrated keen. You let him position you where he wants you, focusing on keeping your breathing even while he tries to get you to do what he wants. He’s not conveying his message very well, grinding against your palm, but you can feel how he’s slicked up the inside of his thighs too and your dick throbs with want.

“Fucking finger me,” he whines, sounding desperate. You bite your lip and press a finger into him and he’s _so fucking wet_. Your hand squelches against him as you thrust, crooking your finger to push against his insides. He hisses a curse, body trembling, but he’s moving fluidly against you, no long wound tight. You add a second finger and he moans, but you don’t have enough leverage to fuck him with them, his hips tilting away from you so he can grind against your palm.

You drag the thumb of your free hand against his clit, rubbing it as you wiggle your fingers inside him and he’s so unbelievably _noisy_ , moaning and cursing in between the sloppy, wet kisses he presses to your neck.

He pants, “Oh shit, fuck, fuck,” directly into your ear as he tenses up again, squeezing tight around your finger, pulsing as his hips twitch and his thighs quiver. It’s the hottest fucking thing.

He comes with a breathless gasp as you suck a bruise into his neck and slowly, he starts to relax, jelly limbed, drooping until his torso is pressed flat to yours with his ass in the air.

You pull your fingers out of him and he gasps, groaning, lips wet against your throat. Your hand is sticky and so fucking slick and it feels amazing when you rub it across your dick, jerking off with his spunk as lube. You come again in no time.

Dave tugs his boxers back up and rolls off of you when you’re finished, shifting his hips with a grimace.

“Okay, my crotch is literally the grossest thing. All my childhood dreams of being on Slime Time Live have been corrupted. I have successfully slimed myself and it’s really not that great.”

You snicker and spread the fingers you fucked him with. He cringes at the wet sound of them separating. You don’t think he can see the gooey string still connecting your middle and ring fingers, which is probably a good thing.

“Gross.”

You laugh harder, “Proof of a job well done.”

“Ew.”

“Did you not like it?” you ask with a half grin, a little worried.

He shrugs, “I, I don’t like the mess.”

“But making the mess was okay.”

“Yeah.”

He’s still squirming, rubbing his thighs together, and it’s kind of distracting.

“You okay?” you ask.

“Yeah, I,” his face goes red and he presses his lips together, “I think I’m still kind of, uh, aroused.”

Oh.

“Did you want me to continue?”

He bites his lip, thinking, but shakes his head no anyway. “I think I just want to change.”

“Okay.”

You watch him climb down to the floor -- you can definitely see the wet spot he’s left in his underwear, which is really hot -- and he lands without a sound. You use the same shirt you used to wipe Dave’s face clean to mop up the mess you made on your stomach and the one he made from between your fingers.

“Okay, no, fuck this,” Dave says. You roll over, propping yourself up on one elbow to see him, and he grumbles, “I’m sticky all the way to my knees practically. This is so gross. I’m going to go take a shower.”


	32. THAT INTERCRURAL THING

===>

TG : so lets do that psychotherapy thing  
TT : You do realize I am not only in the same timezone as you currently, but also within the same house?  
TT : You do not have to confide in my via pesterchum.  
TG : dont wanna  
TT : Are you having an issue with verbal communication? Because it is perfectly alright for you to be non verbal. I am quite used to it.  
TG : dirks the one with the autisms not me jesus dick  
TT : Autism is genetic, darling brother, and both you and I show manifestations of quirks often associated with ASD.  
TG : gee you dont say  
TG : again  
TG : for the three millionth time  
TG : just fucking humor me  
TG : if you must know mutie is on my lap and i am too fucking comfy to move okay  
TT : Of course, darling brother. What is it that is causing your mind turmoil.  
TG : john wants to fuck me  
TT : So it has been established. Are you having second thoughts about your relationship with him?  
TG : naw shits just dandy  
TT : So your issues with the idea of him wishing to copulate are what?  
TG : dont think im down for that atm  
TG : big step for this innocent maiden here  
TT : Are you searching for alternatives then?  
TG : yeah  
TG : egberts ready and roaring to go  
TT : There is nothing wrong with maintaining abstinence. A partner who pressures you into doing something you are not comfortable with is not a partner you should be involved with.  
TG : yeah no its cool  
TT : Dave, don't leave me hanging.  
TT : I can see you typing. Would you rather I come up there so we can discuss this face to face?  
TG : ugh no  
TG : i like the attention  
TG : its pretty cool knowing that i get him all hot and bothered by just being there  
TG : i mean the strider sex appeal is freaking amazing  
TG : aint many people out there who can deny that shit  
TG : and  
TG : i like it  
TT : Very forthcoming of you, Dave.  
TG : fuck off  
TT : Are you sure that penetrative intercourse is not something you are willing to do?  
TG : yeah  
TT : You could engage in oral activities.  
TG : sucking dick  
TG : been there done that  
TG : just makes him want to suck my dick back  
TG : but spoilers  
TG : i aint got one  
TT : I am assuming you are not comfortable with being on the receiving end of oral stimulation then?  
TG : nop  
TT : Hmm.  
TT : On a somewhat related tangent, where is John right now?  
TG : knuckle deep in your pussys hair  
TT : Why, thank you for that lovely image brother mine.  
TT : I was under the impression that he was still in the shower.  
TT : I take it that's why you didn't come search me out in person?  
TG : hes not dirk his showering habits aren’t ballfuck weird  
TG : john is about as normal as a dude can get with that shitty of a taste in movies  
TT : You have such a high opinion of your boyfriend.  
TG : yeah hes not half bad  
TG : youre way off topic here lalonde  
TG : the bureau of bullshit will be by any second to take away your phd  
TT : Just biding my time, dear brother.  
TG : for what  
TT : Answers.

===> ROSE : PESTER JOHN

You are in the midst of a conversation with your brother, and have just had John's location confirmed. That boy has a terrible habit of leaving himself logged into pesterchum when he is not actually at his computer.

TT : I implore you to keep your reactions minimal in relation to what I am about to confide in you, John.  
TT : My brother is inquiring about alternative sexual practices to engage in with you.  
TT : It seems a majority of what he is comfortable with deals with giving you pleasure.  
EB : uh, you remember that thing in one of our last conversations? the one about how you're my boyfriend's sister and it's sort of really weird to be discussing our sex life with you?  
EB : yeah, that's still a thing.  
TT : Yes, but I care immensely about my brother's well being, and as he has directly requested my help with such matter, I feel it is best that I get both sides of the story so that I may give him the best possible advice I can.  
TT : Especially since he seems to have issues with talking to you about this directly, and I am oh so meddlesome.  
EB : how can i be so sure that you're not just messing with me? dave totally doesn't look like he's talking about sex.  
EB : in fact, he looks kind of disgruntled.  
TT : Just because I wish to help my brother as best I can, does not mean I won't talk in circles and frustrate him.  
TT : I would rather he discuss this with you rather than me, but I won't turn him away when he very pointedly asks for my help.  
TT : So do humour me, John.  
EB : bluh, fine.  
EB : yeah, dave pretty much just wants to get me off and not let me get him off in turn.  
TT : Which would please you all on it's own, I assume.  
EB : yeah.  
TT : I see. Thank you for confirming my suspicions.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at [14:23] ! --

EB : wait, what?

===> ROSE : RETURN TO YOUR CONVERSATION WITH DAVE

TG : what answers  
TG : you know i hate this cryptic bullshit  
TT : Yes, but sometimes it is necessary.  
TT : My knowledge is not always unlimited. I am not actually omnipotent.  
TT : I am guessing that John would enjoy being able to touch you more than he is able to currently.  
TT : He does seem like the type to take charge, although maybe not so much here, with the threat of Dirk and I down the hall.  
TG : so what you saying i should let him have his wicked way with me  
TT : Only if you're comfortable with that, which I doubt you are.  
TT : There are other ways to, shall I say, give up the reins without directly defaulting to penetrative sex.  
TT : For example, mutual masterbation, frottage, or, if you would like to try something more like penetrative sex without the penetration, there is intercrural intercourse, or "thigh fucking", which could prove to be a good happy medium for what he wants and what you're comfortable with.  
TT : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intercrural_sex   
TG : oh good  
TG : a wikipedia article  
TG : im thrilled  
TT : I am just sharing information, dear brother.  
TT : Have you considered anal sex?  
TG : i am definitely not interested in having a dick up my butt thanks sis  
TT : It’s not unpleasant.  
TG : nope not going there kindly shut up okay  
TT : Are you assuming that I’m talking from experience, brother dear?  
TG : i dont want to know either way thats fucking gross okay  
TG : please no more informing me of your sex life i cant even handle my own  
TT : Alright then, I suppose I’ll go do something else now.   
TT : Your boyfriend is not terribly thrilled with the idea that you and I discuss your sex life either.  
TG : oh god you told him  
TG : you are a dirty whore  
TT : Yes, but I am perfectly fine with this ;)

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at [14:27] ! --

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] has logged off ! --

===> DAVE : PROPOSITION YOUR BOYFRIEND WITH YOUR NEWFOUND KNOWLEDGE

New found yeah. Yay Wikipedia. You shoo Mutie off your bed and out of your room, coming back to lean against John so you can get started on that propositioning thing before you chicken out.

===> JOHN : BE INFORMED OF INTERCRURAL SEX

Oh wow, you've never even heard of that. Dave rambles on, "It was really common in ancient Greece, what with their rampant homosexuality and the thing the politicians had for pretty boys and shit and -- " You interrupt him by pushing him down onto the bed and straddling his lap. He lands with a gasp, his amazing, gorgeous, utterly kissable lips parted perfectly. Naturally, you kiss him. Those lips were begging for it. In a non verbal fashion, at least.

You really hope that, eventually, you'll get him to beg for it.

"Shoosh, Dave," you laugh against his lips, "I get it. I'm down for giving it a shot if you'd like to."

You feel his lips purse against yours as he does that little mouth-pinched-tight scowl he has. You grin and kiss him again.

"Haven't the faintest on how it'd work," he confesses. He's got legs a mile long, so you see his point, but you're sure the two of you can figure it out. You have experience in being sexually creative.

You sit back and pull your shirt over your head.

"Getting naked would probably be a good start," you tell him. He snorts and gives you an exaggerated eye roll behind his shades, but he still lets you take the aviators off for him. You smile at him while you brush your thumb across his cheekbone, his eyelashes ticking against the tip of the digit. Then you're leaning back and pulling him up by his wrists, declaring, "Your turn!"

He squawks his protests at you while you pull his shirt up, even though he dutifully raises his arms so you can strip him of it completely. He's still binding, the black compression vest hugging tight around his ribs. It's one of the ones with a zipper, your favourite for the easy access potential. You smooth your hands down the front; it's kind of amazing how different he looks without the vests. When he's binding, it doesn't look like he's even remotely feminine but naked he looks so fragile. Well, as long as you ignore the fact that he's pretty ripped, you guess.

It's him who pulls the zipper on his vest down, which is a little surprising, but you roll with it, pushing him down on the bed again. He goes without a sound, laying back smoothly and fuck, okay, you really need to stop thinking about what it'd be like if, _when_ he moves with that sinewy grace under you before you bust a nut in your jeans. Which, yeah, technically, that's exactly what's happening, the him moving like that under you part, not the nut busting part, since you're sitting in his lap and all.

You decide to address that situation, crawling down the (immense) length of his body, kissing his skin the entire way. He gasps when you nibble on his throat, shivers when you press wet lips along his breast bone, peeps when you lick along the curve of his ribcage and squirms as you trace the faint outline of his abs with your tongue. By the time you reach the top of his jeans, he has his face covered by both hands and his blush is crawling down his neck.

You press another kiss against the front of his jeans. His hips jerk against your face, pressing the bulge of his fake dick harder against your lips, before he flails at you with both hands. You can't help but crack up.

"What, really?" you snicker, "You want me to fuck your thighs but I can't touch your dick?" He groans, slapping his hands back to his face, and attempts to roll away. You pin down his legs so he can't and continue to laugh, "Dude, what's the big deal?"

"It's weird, okay?" he whines from behind his hands, "I don't like messing with it because it doesn't do any of the things it should and, and it's _wierd_."

"So you wear it ironically?"

He sighs, sharp and hard and exasperated, "Yes, of course, I've spent hundreds of dollars on fake rubber dicks that aren't even good for fucking, for the ironies, never mind the possibility that it keeps me from doing a spectacular flying pirouette off the bloody handle because without it pants only serve to remind me of what I'm missing."

You feel absolutely terrible for finding the way he spits out every word with vehemence kind of hilarious. Naturally, you use his crotch to muffle your snickers. Yeah, it's weird having a dick, even if it's fake, so close to your face, but this is _Dave_ and Dave is your favourite. So it's okay. You only sit back when he stops squirming.

“Quit being so grumpy!” you tell him with a grin.

He's making a face that looks as though he's being force fed boiled spinach while he lays limp against the sheets, but it's such a stupidly exaggerated expression that you feel like he doesn't actually mind. You tug at the button of his jeans as you fight back another round of the giggles. He takes over after a moment of your fumblings, his thin artist hands working his pants open much quicker than you could have managed from this angle. As he starts pushing them over his hips, boxers and all, you're struck with how absolutely masculine he is. From where you're sitting, you kind of have to remind yourself that you're _not_ about to suck a dick.

Speaking of dicks, yours protests it's confinement as you watch Dave's pants descend, revealing pale skin and even paler hair that contrasts so nicely with the black of his jeans and the dark red of his boxers. He arches his hips out to get his pants over his ass, supporting his weight with his shoulders and heels. His stomach is flat and hard, perfectly toned between to two sharp lines of his hipbones, and he’s really, really hot, wow.

"My pasty ass is white enough to be mistaken for a movie screen, but that doesn't mean any of your shitty Nic Cage flicks are gonna start playing, so you can quit _staring_ any time now, fuck."

You look up at him, at the way he's glaring down his nose at you, his chin tucked against his chest. He's frowning and the way his arms are pushing his chest together has actually given him something remarkably close to cleavage. You grin. "Nope! You're my boyfriend and I reserve every right to stare at you as much as I want."

Dave opens his mouth for a scathing retort, you're sure, but ends just turning his head and muttering, "Dork," to his shoulder.

"Yeah, but you wouldn't have me any other way."

You watch the corner of his mouth curl up into a soft smile, his eyes falling closed, and your heart wibbles around in all of the FEELS you get from that tiny, non verbal confirmation.

And then Dave's pulling his knees towards his chest to pull his jeans, boxers and dick and all, off completely. He tucks them into the extra space around his bed, keeping his knees firmly together, bent legs acting as a wall between you and your view of his crotch. It's a little frustrating how easily embarrassed about his body he still is, even though you've been dating for a number of months now and you’ve _seen_ him naked. Then again, you suppose it's also pretty endearing. It's really the only time he ever gets flustered and him blushing is absolutely adorable. You set your hands on his knees, the invisible, barely there fuzz of his leg hair tickling your palm, and give them a little squeeze.

"You okay?"

His smile widens ever so slightly and you see the twitch of his stomach as he laughs silently. "Fine. What happened to the whole getting naked thing, Egbert, or did the fine print contain a stipulation of exemption applying only to you?"

"Mm, maybe I'm waiting for you to do it. I took care of both our shirts, after all. It's only fair you take care of the pants."

He gasps at that, the sound thick with sarcasm, and raises both his eyebrows. "What?" he asks, acting stunned, "You mean you’re giving up your control? Handing over the reins to this inexperienced twerp? You sure, sailor? It's a lot of responsibility."

"You're mixing metaphors, Dave," you snicker, "There are no reins involved in sailing."

Dave just shakes his head at that, sitting up. You watch as he rolls his shoulders, sliding his vest off the rest of the way, and gosh, he is absolutely beautiful. And wow, you just realized, this is the first time you've gotten him completely naked. Well, barring that one time where he was totally shitfaced. It's even still day time, too.

Awesome.

He follows his momentum forward, knees brushing the insides of your thighs as he brings his legs down, sitting on his heels in front of you. His expression has smoothed out into it's usual poker face, just the tinge of pink dusting his cheeks betraying any embarrassment. And then his hands are on your crotch, fingers working the button of your shorts open. You swallow hard and watch as he makes quick work of your pants to reveal the very obvious tent in your boxers. He touches the pad of one thumb against the wet spot at your tip and a delicious shiver runs up your spine. You breathe out a groan.

He makes a little noise of his own and you look up. His face is no longer one of blank deadpan. Instead, he's watching you, blatantly staring with his amazing red eyes, his cheeks dark again and his lips parted in what might be awe.

For a moment, you wonder if this is real. How else but by imagination would you have this perfect, strangely innocent, androgynous beauty kneeling naked in front of you, their hands on your dick with the full intention of getting you off. It’s a lot different from a couple of days ago, when he sucked you off. You think it might be because the two of you are starting out with the intention of both getting off, and he’s a lot more relaxed because of it.

"You're gorgeous," you whisper to him, reaching out to cup his cheek. He rolls his eyes and snorts, "Yeah, right," but he leans into your touch and you feel the way his hidden cheek pulls into a barely there smile.

"You are!" you insist, tugging him into your lap. He stumbles as you pull him forward, straddling your hips with the awkward hesitance he seems to always have at times like these, and it's perfect. "You really are! You're perfect and gorgeous and handsome and wonderful and absolutely amazing!"

And he really is, even when he's frowning and disgruntled and and refusing to make eye contact because you've embarrassed him, and you can't help but to grin up at him, as you take in everything about him, from his perfect, perky boobs tipped with his cute little nipples, to his stiff, perfect posture that you're sure he's maintaining so strictly to make it seem like he's totally cool with being naked. Which, you know, he's not, and even that is perfect about him.

And he’s also perfectly placed above you, his lean, milky thighs straddling your hips and his weight just barely on you. You want to say, "I love you," the words on the tip of your tongue, but you read somewhere that you shouldn't ever say that while having sex because it makes it seem like you're saying you love the sex, not the person, and you don't want Dave to think that, because you're absolutely almost certain that you really do mean it. Instead, you just roll your hips against his and watch as his breath hitches and his shoulders tense.

"You're still not naked," he mumbles, shuddering as you rut up against him.

You grin, "Yeah, but I thought getting you all wet would be a better choice of action."

He plants his hands firmly against your stomach, his wrists blocking your view of him, and though his blush had receded somewhat, it comes rushing back full force. You rub your palms against his thighs, giving his hips a squeeze as you pull them down against yours, grinding against him more firmly. This time, you hear it when his breath hitches and the sound goes straight to your dick.

He leans forward without your prompting, enough that he has to move one of his hands to beside your shoulder to keep himself propped up, and you watch as the way he's rolling his hips against yours makes his chest jiggle. You move one hand to cup his breast, your other firm against his side. The way his torso always jerks into your touch makes you grin, and the sound he tries, and fails, to bite back when your brush your thumb across his nipple has your dick throbbing. Which, in turn, has him breathing out another soft moan.

And fuck, the sight of him over you, all hot and bothered, with his eyes closed and his lips parted is amazing. You want him so badly. You can't wait for him to get comfortable with the idea of having sex so you _can_ have him, without him being stupid and awkward and trying to fuck you even though he doesn’t actually want to.

Although, you really shouldn't be complaining. Since you got here, you and Dave have participated in a number of sexy things. It's just, with Dave already there on top of you, grinding his wet self down onto your dick and making the most amazing noises while he does so, you really, really can't help but hope he'll throw caution to the wind and let you sink into him.

But you know he probably won't and if you want to do anything more besides this, like he suggested, you're going to have to figure out how to do that intercrural thing before you cream your shorts.

===> JOHN : DISTRACT HIM FROM RUBBING HIMSELF ALL OVER YOUR JUNK

As much as you love the feel of Dave against you, the two of you have PLANS. Thusly, you wind your fingers through the short hair at the back of his head and tug him down. You immediately go after his mouth, sucking his bottom lip between yours for a good nibble. His hips shift over yours, his butt up in the air now, and you're in the clear for a moment of cool down. Or so you think. Dave continues to push his hips against yours, the shift in angle apparently making it so you're rubbing against him amazingly, judging from the high pitched, needy noises he's not even bothering to stifle and the way he's positively devouring your mouth.

Fucking Christ.

===> JOHN : GET THAT BOY'S ATTENTION

"Dave," you mutter against his lips between kisses, "Dave, Dave listen." He starts trailing his lips across your jaw and you're reasonably sure your boxers are damp from how wet he is already, and the way he's panting against your neck makes you just really want to pin him down and fuck his brains out.

But thankfully he stills his hips and gasps against your throat, "'Sup?"

Oh crap, you don't remember what your point was supposed to be when you called for his attention. You're so hard it hurts and you're still absolutely thrilled that he's been initiating so much, even going so far as to suggest some sort of actual _sex_ , and, and oh yeah. _That_ was the point. You turn over every conceivable position for thigh fucking in your head and come to the conclusion that you'll probably have to be on your sides. You ask, "Do you want to face me, or spoon?"

The thought of thrusting into him, even if it's just between his thighs, makes your dick twitch and Dave lets out this shuddery keen as you brush against him.

"Whatever, either's fine," he mutters, pressing his wet lips against your collarbone, "You're the lead bro, the star of the show."

You think spooning will be easier. As much as you'd love to have Dave facing you, you don't know how well the two of you would be able to keep flush against each other, plus, you suppose, this way you'll also be able to grope him the entire time. You kiss his temple and pat his hip, telling him to lay down instead.

He clambers off you, jelly limbed and flushed ear to ear to flop out in the spot next to you while you shimmy out of the rest of your clothes. Boy, is he gorgeous, you can't help to think yet again, with how his head lolls off to one side and exposes the length of his neck and the way the leg closest to you is bent at the knee and raised ever so slightly to hide his crotch from view. And jeeze, he's watching you with half lidded eyes as he pants and he is just so sexy, it is unbelievable.

You roll to face him, pressing a kiss against the curve of his shoulder. "Turn over, okay?" you ask him, scooching closer. He does so, twisting in such a way that you're once again overcome with the urge to fuck him silly. You really hope that you'll be able to last long enough to get him off a couple times before you come yourself.

You plaster yourself against his back, dick nudging against the cleft of his surprisingly ample ass and Dave snorts, "Jesus Egbert, that's an exit only."

You snicker against the nape of his neck and wiggle down about an inch, sliding a hand around his front. He gasps when you brush fingers across the crook of his thighs and jeeze, he is absolutely _sopping_. You take a minute to tease him, rubbing at his clit until he's squirming and muffling his moans with one of his numerous pillows.

===> JOHN : DON'T BE SILLY, WRAP YOUR WILLY

That is indeed a thing you will be doing. Unfortunately, you didn't think to bring any condoms, considering your expectation of a distinct lack of sex. However, since Dave seems to have spent a fair amount of time considering the possibility of said sex, he's bound to have some.

"Dave? Dave, you have condoms, right?"

He shivers and presses his ass back against your crotch, his voice needy as he hisses, "Naw, 's fine."

Oooooor maybe he doesn't. Sigh.

"We should really use one," you tell him, pulling your hand away from between his thighs. He whines at the loss of your touch and Jesus _dick_ , please just let it be that Dave's too horny and impatient to be thinking straight.

"Dude, ride's closed. Ain't no babies gonna be made up over here. Shit's as chemically barren as Chernobyl, so fucking _please_..."

Oh fuck, there he goes again with the begging. You moan against his shoulder blades, your dick arching out to press against his skin. "Please what?" you ask, your voice now a husky whisper.

You feel the shudder that crawls down his spine, hear the way his lips part and he sucks in air between his teeth. You mentally plead to whatever god happens to be listening that the next words out of his mouth are "fuck me".

None are paying you any mind, as Dave says, albeit with a bit more breathiness than snark, "Stick your sweaty man meat between my sticky thighs, yo."

You sputter into full blown laughter against his spine, falling limp behind your dorky boyfriend. "Dude, way to kill the mood."

"Kill the mood? I don't know what you're talking about. You're the one who went all serious."

"But Dave! It's always good to practice safe sex!"

"So you're clean, right? And I'm the goddamned Virgin Mary over here, so what's the problem?" He reaches back for one of your thighs, pulling your hips flush against his rear, before he mumbles, "And I only wanna fuck you, so whatever."

===> JOHN : OH GOSH YOUR BOYFRIEND IS THE SWEETEST THING

He is the sweetest, it is him. You nuzzle the nape of his neck, completely unable and unwilling to stifle the doofy grin that spreads across your face. Your chest tightens with all these gross, sappy, romantic FEELS and you think, even if you never get to have THE FULL SEXTM with Dave, you will always be happy dating him. Being able to cuddle him and kiss him and tease him and know that he cares for you as much as you care for him is enough.

Not that you would turn down having sex with him, of course.

In fact, you're about to do some of that right now.

===> JOHN : HAVE SEX WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND

Sure, it's not going to be THE FULL SEXTM, but you are so not complaining. You are the opposite of complaining. That is, if the opposite of complaining was nudging your boyfriend's legs apart so you could stick your (very naked) dick between his thighs. He follows your voiceless request, lifting his left knee just high enough for you to slip your fingers all the way between his aforementioned thighs, fingertips just brushing the head of your dick. Dave moans as your knuckles touch hypersensitive skin, the heel of your palm resting against the mound of his crotch. You nudge your hips forward, guiding your dick into place.

His thighs really are sticky, slick and wet, your so called man meat sliding against his skin with ease with gratuitous thanks to his.... wetness. Wow, you really can not think of a single euphemism for girl jizz, and you're pretty sure it's not just because you're currently balls deep in the stuff. Well, balls deep between his thighs, which are coated in the stuff. Metaphorically, you are balls deep in Dave juices.

Wow, that train of thought really got away from you, and you can't help but to giggle at it. Dave twists to give you a dry look out of the corner of one eye, pressing his thighs tighter together as he moves and _wow_ , that feels nice. You thrust against him shallowly, experimentally, and watch as his sarcastic deadpan expression fogs over. You grin and do it again, tucking the arm you're laying on under Dave's head and the pillow he's clutching at, the other winding around his waist so your fingers can again join the party. Dave peeps, a shuddery, high pitched noise in the back of his throat, and his thighs tremble around your dick.

This is not the best sex you've had, by far, technically speaking. The muscles in your thighs are already starting to feel strained with the effort it takes to continue thrusting against your boyfriend in this position, but it is nice to be able to rub up against Dave like this. He's so hot and crazy wet and making fantastic noises as your dick bumps against him and your fingers stroke at sensitive places. He's moaning, quiet and muffled against a pillow, with every move you make; soft, embarrassed, _pleased_ little noises as he squirms against you.

You like that, how he's wiggly and completely enjoying himself. Rose must have been really convincing, and you think you'll have to thank her at some point. You probably won't get off like this, but that's okay; you think Dave is getting pretty close. He's trembling, his torso starting to curl away from you so he can better hide his face against a pillow.

Then he shudders hard with a low moan and yup, you were right. His thighs clamp around your dick as he rides out his orgasm, hips twitching as you continue to rub your fingers against him and _fuck_ , that's the sort of friction you're looking for. You breathe a moan against the nape of Dave's neck, pressing your lips against his skin while you pick up the pace.

Dave goes jelly limp not long after his orgasm, his breath hitching with your every touch, and your glorious friction is lost.

"Enjoy yourself?" you ask him, rubbing your palm against his hip. He nods and snuggles back against your chest.

"Yeah. You?"

You shrug. "Yeah. You make really sexy noises."

Dave groans in embarrassment at that, trying to roll away from you. You don't let him, wrapping an arm around his waist to pull him back flush against you, grinning against his shoulder blades.

Your dick is pressed against the base of his spine, and he wiggles his hips. "You're still hard," he says, his voice betraying his confusion despite the deadpan he's returned to. You shrug again.

"It happens."

He rolls over in your arms and you bask in the feeling of his perky chest against yours. He really does have great tits.

You're nudged back, to lay down prone for your boyfriend. Dave stays on his side, propped up on one elbow to observe you, his legs partially crossed -- unconsciously, you bet -- to hide his groin, and the twist of his spine makes the curve of his hips way more obvious.

"You're really gorgeous, Dave," you tell him. He rolls his eyes, ignoring you in favour of your dick. You groan, arching into Dave's grasp. He's got a self satisfied smirk plastered on his face, the bastard, but you suppose it's deserved. You come pretty quickly, squirming under his gaze. He's gotten a lot better at jerking you off, which is really great, you're not gonna lie.

He raises an eyebrow at you, after he's wiped your spunk off on a conveniently close towel. "That was fast."

You snort, tugging him down for some naked cuddling. "We've been fucking around for like, a half hour. That was so not fast, you jerk." He squirms in your grasp, probably itching to get dressed again, but you keep him pinned to your chest, your arms wrapped tight around his torso. "And even if it was, it'd only be because you're smokin' hot and I -- " love you? Naw, this isn't the time to say that, " -- I think you're wonderful."

He snorts against your neck, giving up his struggles. At least for a little while. You get a couple of minutes of naked cuddles before he grumbles against your chest, “Okay, my crotch is still the grossest thing. Lemme go so I can shower.”


	33. FUCKING WEIRD

===>

TG : so sex  
TT : Yes? What about it?  
TG : how does it even work  
TG : and why the hell do people find it so great  
TG : its really fucking gross  
TT : Have you taken to perusing porn again?  
TG : why do all porn blow jobs include the girl making noises like shes going to vomit  
TG : how the hell is that attractive  
TG : because its not  
TG : its really fucking gross wow  
TT : Porn does not, in any way, actually reflect sex in a real life relationship.  
TG : no shit  
TG : but like the basics are still there right  
TG : and its gross as shit  
TG : it looks hella uncomfortable too  
TG : why would you even want to do that  
TT : I assure you, sex is quite pleasurable.  
TG : yeah i guess  
TT : Is this your attempt to figure out whether or not you would like to engage in penetrative sex?  
TG : idk  
TG : john wants to  
TG : you can quit typing btw i dont need another one of your lectures  
TG : i love him  
TG : im comfortable with him  
TG : getting laid aint on the top of my priority list but i guess it wouldnt be a big deal if it was with him  
TT : I understand.  
TT : May I ask, then, if you’ve come to the conclusion that you are comfortable with engaging in penetrative sex with him, why have you decided to freak yourself out with porn?  
TG : what if i dont like it  
TT : Then you don’t like it.  
TG : but he does  
TT : You should never think you have to do something you’re not comfortable with to please your partner.  
TG : i know fuck  
TG : but what if i do like it  
TT : Then you like it. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying sex.  
TG : what should i do  
TT : How do you mean?  
TG : when it happens what do i do?  
TT : Enjoy it, and, should you find you do not enjoy it, inform John.  
TG : but what do i DO  
TT : I don’t know what you mean, Dave.  
TG : do i like shave or something  
TG : is there some sacred vagina ritual i must complete first  
TT : No, I assure you there is not.  
TT : And it is completely up to your personal preference if you want to shave or not, although I would suggest you trim yourself a little if you don’t already.  
TT : Dave?  
TG : will it hurt?  
TT : It might, if you’re hasty. The initial penetration can be a bit of a tight fit if one is not wet enough, but other than that it should be enjoyable.  
TT : Are you alright?  
TG : peachy  
TT : You aren’t actually.  
TG : no im freaking out  
TT : About what?  
TG : i dont even know anymore  
TG : its just  
TT : Just?  
TG : big  
TT : Are you referring to your boyfriend’s penis or to the situation as a whole?  
TG : jesus christ  
TT : Well?  
TG : both i guess  
TG : id guess hes pretty normal since   
TG : you know   
TG : i dont really have anything to compare him to  
TG : but hes a lot thicker than his fingers  
TG : and im practically shitting myself over here because i am likely going to have sex any day now  
TG : and dont tell me not to rush into it  
TT : Don’t rush into anything you’re not willing to do.  
TG : god damnit  
TG : stop with that shit  
TG : i honestly think its starting to freak me out more than the idea of me being stuffed full of johns cock okay  
TT : Alright.  
TT : Is it something you are actually alright with, though?  
TG : yeah why not  
TG : idk if i actually have the balls to initiate it  
TG : didnt go so well last time i tried  
TG : but i guess if he wants to id be down  
TT : I see.  
TT : Well, if you find yourself wondering anything else about your genitalia in regards to sexual please hesitate to ask TT : One final bit of unsolicited advice, however.  
TT : Urinate afterwards. UTIs are a bitch.

===>

You’re back in Washington with John and you’ve decided, yeah. You want to Do It. You think. You’re still kind of flipping your shit because wow, your crotch is gross and sex is gross and nothing you’ve seen has convinced you any different but..

Well, you’ve liked everything you’ve done so far, mostly. John, at least, knows what he’s doing and he makes you feel. Good, you guess. He’s gotten you to come, which is weird as shit still, but really nice. You might as well go all the way, especially since he wants to. You love John. You _trust_ him and you want to make him happy and he wants to fuck you so you need to quit psyching yourself out and just fucking _do it_.

It still takes you two hours after you decide to grow the balls needed to tell John, waiting until you’re alone watching stupid youtube videos on his bed.

It takes you another twenty minutes of chewing on your lips before you’re able to open your mouth, blurting out, “This is me officially okay-ing sex. Permission to board granted, bro.”

You snap your teeth shut before you can ramble out another awful euphemism, your face hot as shit in embarrassment, and you very pointedly stare at the video on screen.

“Oh, uh. Wow. Is that you saying like, right now?”

You shake your head, covering your face with your hands.

“So, for future reference?”

You nod and he giggles, pressing a kiss to your temple.

“Okay, duly noted.”

===>

It’s been a couple of weeks since you okay’d sex.

They’ve been surprisingly sex free. You figured he would have been all for fucking you but mostly you’ve just been... doing what you normally do, which is almost a relief.

But you’ve been lounging in John’s bed all morning. John’s dad has long since left for work and Jade’s informed the both of you that she’s going to hang out with some friends and you think, when he waggles his eyebrows at you as he invites you to join him in the shower, he was waiting for the house to be empty.

You tell him that and he snickers and shrugs, turning pink, “No I just thought it might be nice.”

You follow him to the bathroom, intending to join him in the shower. Why the fuck not. It’s not like he hasn’t seen you naked before, and the brilliant, giddy grin he shoots you when you shut the door behind you makes you blush.

You strip, stepping into the shower after him. His stupid grin hasn’t faded any, even as you ask him to pass you the shampoo.

“Hey Dave?” He asks, and you hum. “Can I kiss you?”

You’ve got foamy shampoo dripping down your neck and the side of your face. Now is totally an appropriate time to kiss. You roll your eyes and peck him on the lips, shuffling by him so you can rinse out your hair. His dick jabs you in the thigh when you step out from under the spray, bumping into him. You look down at his boner and then up at his face.

He snickers, “Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” you tell him, and you find you don’t actually mind all that much, reaching down to wrap your fingers around him. His dick is hard, hot and slick with soap and he groans when you squeeze, nudging closer to you.

You jerk him to completion, liking how smoothly he slides through your hand with the addition of soap.

===>

You take showers with John more frequently. By the next time Jade leaves for the day, you’re sort of eager for it, and when you’re in there, naked with John, it hardly takes any time for him to pin you against the tile, his dick hard against your thigh as he kisses your neck.

You squeeze his dick and hiss, “Don’t leave any marks,” and he groans against your jaw.

He goes to nip at your shoulders instead, totally ignoring what you said. At least he’s not leaving marks where his dad’ll see them, you guess. 

He pulls your hips to his, grinding against you and you gasp when his dick slips between your thighs, snickering an apology only to replace his dick with your fingers. You don’t complain. You don’t complain at all, having not realized how aroused you were, and your legs feel weak all of a sudden.

You gasp, “Fuck,” and he kisses you, hard and on the mouth, sucking on your bottom lip.

“Do you wanna?” he breathes. You nod dumbly and he kisses you again, closed mouth but possessive, as he fumbles for the shower’s nob. The water shuts off and he drags you, dripping wet, out of the bathroom, a towel slung around your waist. He kisses you all the way down the hall, into his bedroom ‘til the back of your knees hit his bed and you tumble down, gasping. He’s on top of you immediately, the two of you scrabbling away from the edge.

He goes back to kissing your throat and you’re only half on the towel, legs spread for him to kneel between. You’re kind of uncomfortable sprawled out like this, but he’s not looking at you so it’s not that bad you guess. It’s definitely not that bad when he presses a finger into you, sucking on your earlobe. You bite your lip to keep quiet, rolling your hips against his hand.

He’s got his thumb rubbing at your clit as he fucks you with his finger and you’re a trembling mess of uke in no time.

“Fuck,” he groans, pressing his lips against your jaw one last time before he sits back, hand transferring from your junk to his; “You okay?”

You drag his sheet across your damp skin awkwardly, a little chilled without him hovering over you, even with the heat of summer, and nod. He nods back, tucking your knees against his shoulders. His dick slide against you the first time, dragging across your clit and you gasp. He snickers but doesn’t miss the next time, pressing into you..

It’s not that bad. It’s weird as shit and it stings a little because he’s fucking _thick_ , holy shit. You’re not sure how he even _fits_ , but his stomach’s flush against the back of your thighs and he’s pressing his lips against one of your knees, breathing hard. You make eye contact and he laughs.

“Oh man, I can’t see your face from here _at all_.”

His grin is infectious, even if it makes you blush. You arch your back a little, trying to get comfortable around his girth, and he fucking twitches _in you_. It’s simultaneously really weird and really awesome.

“You good?” he asks, hands sliding down your legs to grip the top of your thighs. You nod and breathe an affirmative.

He thrusts into you, shallowly, and it’s.

Strange. This whole thing is just really strange.

But it’s not bad. His next thrust is deeper, harder, and you sigh comfortably. The sting of his initial penetration has faded and you’re not quite sure if you like it or not still, but it’s not bad.

Your knees slip away from his shoulders and he leans over you again, one elbow planted near your shoulder, his other hand on your hip as he rocks into you, over and over. He’s breathing hard, forehead against your jaw. You twist to kiss his temple.

He gasps your name and your toes curl, trying not to grin against his hair. Fuck, you’re stupid for him. You’re not all that invested in the actual sex but you’re way too fucking chuffed at how much he’s enjoying it.

“Is this okay?” he asks breathily, “Can, can I...?”

You nod, squirming a little under him. He picks up the pace, groaning, and returns to kissing your throat, sucking and biting at your neck as he fucks you and.

And you think you actually sort of like this.

“Fuck, Dave,” he moans against your skin and you shiver, gasping with every one of his thrusts. You keep making all these tiny, high pitched moans and they’re embarrassing as fuck but you can’t get them to stop.

It’s only you and John in the house though, so it doesn’t really matter, you guess.

And John’s surprisingly noisy too. You’re not sure if it’s because every sound he makes is basically directly funneled into one of your ears with how he’s plastered against you, or if it’s just because you’re extra awkward about the sound of sex.

You figure it’s the latter. Your crotch is _squelching_. That is an adjective that should never be used in relation to a healthy, intact body part. You can’t help your awkward snickers and you can feel John grinning against your neck.

“Shut up,” he giggles, sitting up a little. Then he asks, “This is okay, right?”

You would give him a snarky reply, but you’re a little distracted by being on his dick, so you just shove his face away with a snort.

“Wow, asshole,” he tells you with a grin, leaning close again. He scoops up one of your legs, pushing your knee to your chest. You practically punch yourself in the teeth, slapping a hand over your mouth to muffle your surprised shout.

Fuck.

“Good?”

You nod and John groans, burying his face back in your neck. You’re not sure what just happened but, fuck, it’s nice. Better than nice. You pant against your hand, rolling with his thrusts, arching under him, tense and shaking and you think --

His hips stutter to a stop, flush against your ass. He exhales hard against your collarbone after a moment, kissing your skin over and over, and you let out a whine. He giggles a breathless apology and returns to fucking you, sitting back so he can thumb at your clit again.

Your breath catches in your throat as you come, back arched and toes curled, and John stops a moment later, much to your relief. John pulls out and you gasp, hips twitching up.

You feel uncomfortably empty now. It’s really fucking weird.

John flops onto you, cuddling close, his head on your chest.

“Wow,” he sighs dreamily, “That was great.”

You snort and he props himself up back on his elbows.

“Was it good for you too, baby?” he asks, batting his eyelashes and you snicker.

“Your dick is magical.”

He just waggles his eyebrows and you laugh, kneeing him in the chest. You laugh harder when he slips off the bed entirely.

===>

GG : sooooo for future reference you should really close your bedroom door when youre gonna get laid!!  
GG : ;3  
EB : asdfhoaidhg  
EB : but you weren’t even home!  
GG : heehee i forgot something so i came to get it  
GG : congrats on the sex!! >DD  
EB : uuuuuugh  
EB : bad jade worst cousin DX

====>

TT : So how was it?  
TG : how was what  
TT : Your copulation.  
TG : son of a dick how the fuck do you know?  
TT : Jade told me. And as of right now, we’re the only two who are aware.  
TT : Besides you and John, of course.  
TG : okay how the fuck does jade know she wasnt even here  
TG : what the actual fuck  
TT : Apparently she stopped by and the door to John’s room was open.  
TG : fuck  
TT : I assure you she’s not bothered. This is not, apparently, the first time something like this has happened with John.  
TG : ugh no stop  
TT : So was it that bad?  
TG : no fuck  
TG : it was fine  
TG : it was gross as fuck afterwards but otherwise okay  
TG : i am idk unopposed to deep dickings i guess  
TG : i ache like a motherfucker though  
TT : That will fade, I’m sure.  
TG : yeah  
TT : Are you actually okay?  
TG : yeah  
TG : my world has not suddenly come to an end with the inclusion of sex  
TG : im fine promise  
TT : Alright.  
TT : You know Mother is going to want to fly out to congratulate you in person, correct?  
TG : yes precisely why im not going to tell her  
TG : meaning you keep your trap shut too  
TG : please  
TT : I suppose that would be feasible.  
TG : thanks

===> END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's the end. Thank you everyone who's read and commented and kudos'd and fed my ego. I intend to write other things set in this 'verse, and am more than willing to take questions or prompts over on [tumblr](http://redux3.tumblr.com).


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